oh crap, maybe I should erase my age real quick! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mel:

Don't worry. I could remember stuff when I was 45. Or so they tell me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

♥Qfwfq

Where to Start? First what does DUDE-UNIT mean?

Anyway, I think it is time to move to PLAN B. Friday morning before I left I paged her and we somehow ended talking about us for about 20 mins. I asked the wrong question? Do you want this marriage to work? She said I already new the answer????? I said I want you to say it to me. She said she did not want the marrigage to work. We argued some more and I finally just "let go". There is alot more to this but I realy and not in the mood to type. I just got back from ny "little time away" and it sucked, all I thought about was her and my kids. Alot happend friday, she acused me of "breaking in house and her car" and god knows what else. Thank the lord I had someone who could verify I was where I said I was. I think she was tryig to set me up. I ended up finding out the OM home number and called it. And I think thats why all of this happened. Anyway all of that is over but I am not sure what to do. My MIL says to just not talk to her and bacisly do a plan b thru her. She will not take any of my wofes **** thru this and would be a great liason (SP). My MIL said she needs to fall flat on her face and let GOD handel this. She is a very spiritual person (a reason I am becoming one with GOD) and I truley beleive in this, in that GOD will handle this if I let him. I told her about PLAN B and she agreed. My MIL was the one who stood up for me. She talked to W today and wife said to her that "he thinks him giving me cards, letters, cheesecake is going to win me back, its to late, the love is NOT there <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

I wish I could have a confenece call with you guys....

Is it time to write that PLAN B letter????? I need your words of wisdom WAT!

Hey ATN,

The purpose of Plan A is to get her to a point where she WANTS a relationship with you because of the changes you have made. This will not happen overnight. She is not saying anything that many WS say. You are just expecting miracles overnight. There is nothing different here. But you can't move into Plan B at this point or you will lose her. You need to take it slow and continue your Plan A for a while longer.

I would, however, BACK off from giving her the cards and stuff. I suspect that is a lovebuster because she feels patronized. Better to be calm, cool, attentive, and friendly but a little detached. Let her come to you.

Be assured, ATN, that this is not a lost cause by a LONG SHOT. Just because you haven't had overnight results does not mean this over.

I wish you would consider counseling with Steve Harley. It would be well worth the money and he could help you develop your own plan.

What happened when you called the OM's house?

MELODY....Sorry I left ya hanging...went to bed.

I am going to church and will be back in a few hrs and will give you more details.

I agree completely with Mel. But I want to amplify her point that what your W is doing and saying is what we expect from a WS in an ongoing affair.

Very typical. OF COURSE she doesn't want the marriage! - at this moment. A large percentage, if not most, of WSs have concluded the marriage is "over" at the time they begin the affair - whether it's a premeditated, conscious thought or a rationalization when the opportunity presents itself.

Please tell us what happened in the phone call.

Perhaps your MIL is a good one to spill the beans to OM's employer?

WAT

OK. I restart from thurdsay nite. Went to D's program at school with IL's. Ww arrived first and got a seat (saving 2, W & S). Wife arrives and does not see us. I get up and my son starts yelling "Daddy Daddy" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and I pick him up and I say to wife that we saved some seats. Of course I got one h3ll of a look and her dad even said she was rolling her eyes at me as we walked to the seats. Anyway my parents were visitng my grandmother and down south and my dad asked if I could call them at a certain time. So knowing my daughters portion of the play was not for at least 10 mins, I went outside into my vehicle to call them. Sometime during this my wife notices I am gone and my MIL says she started to freak out and was rushing to put sons coat and rushed outside to meet me walking from my truck (its cold out and my cell signal was low in school so I sat in my truck with heat on) and she starts screaming at me and acuses me of getting in her car. I began to ask her what the problem was and told her to calm down and I said for someone who is "thinking" about our marriage you sure are pretty protective of things. I asked her what could be in her car that she is so afraid of. She of course said nothing. (I have a feeling it was her cell phone). Any way all of this happend BEFORE the Daddy Daughter Dance thing. (see a few posts abve about that).

Well when I got home I had recieved confirmation of the OM home number and address so I decide to call it. The phone rings and he says hello and I say who is this and DUMBA$$ says "OM". I said well isnt this a coinsiedence. He began asking how I got his unpublished number and also because he is a certain type of agent said all calls coming into this line ios taped. I said something like "good, then anser this, ARE YOU FUC&ING MY WIFE and his reply was we have been over this before. We talked about him filing a RO agaist me if I called that number again, he said this is a private number. Thats last for about 10 mins. I call wife and we start to argue about DDD. and we both argued heavily.

I will post about Friday tonite....I am leaving for movies....Alot more has happend.

Contacted OM'W. She wants to get together and discuss. She has thought something has been going on for some time now. Should I meet with her. She wants revenge, I want my wife. How to I handle this. It has become clear that my W is also scared od this coming out for two reasons. First, she is involved in many "federal cases" and two, I am sure no one at work knows about affair, but knows about the divorce. If that is so then if her co-workers/boss found out that she is doing this thru a divorce then she would ge a bad rep, plus she would be considered a liar and not trustworthy.

What do I do?

Meet with her and give her the facts. She has a right to know what is going on, remember? She is the VICTIM here. She may be very angry, which is a natural response, so send her to us and don't get involved in any revenge schemes.

One other thing, ATN, you shouldn't help her hide the affair. That would only be enabling her. If it comes out, it comes out. Don't protect her from the consequences of her behavior. If there is any fallout, it will be a result of the affair, and not anything else. If she gets a bad rep, it will be because of her behavior and nothing else.

OK...thanks Melody. I am trying to get a hold of my lawyer. I want to know becasue I can now prove the affair if I can get my kids and home back and make her get out until she wants back in.

OK....Lets just say that my lawyer said I can not do anything. Juat in case wife is reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . So what can me and the other woman do. I mean without LB'ing. I need for my wife to know I know. Thats it. I do not want to humiliate her at all. It is quite clear the affiar is strong because the OM W said he filed 1 1/2 weeks ago. I am meeting her tonite if she calls me.

Any suggestions?

ATN:

Quit [censored]-footing around!!!! CALL STEVE HARLEY AND GET YOURSELF AN APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW!!!

You're not firing on all eight cylinders! And you're climbing a steep hill with a full load. It's 100 degrees outside and you've got the AC on full blast!

Okay, enough vehicular metaphor nonsense. I agree with Mel and WAT, this is a very typical A that appears to have just gotten into full swing. As such, it needs to be handled carefully, and there's NOBODY better than either Steve or Jen. Don't flop around so much. Get their help now!

Did I get my point across? Good!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Qfwfq

ATN, does your wife read here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>and don't get involved in any revenge schemes.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">double dern ditto!

Be very careful dealing with OM's W. It would be a bonus if she has the attitude and intelect to embrace MB principles. But she may be like OM's W in my case who is her own worst enemy.

Q-dog has his nose on the trail. If you can swing it, start working with Steve or Jen. All of us have been pretty much in agreement on your sitch - indicating to me that you have a classic case here - all the better for Steve's advice. He has an uncanny ability to be dead on right.

WAT

Again I am confused. Talked to OM's W and everything fits. All of thier lies match. I am at work and cannot go into detail except to say my wife and I had nice convo last nite. Very peacefull.

This morning my lawyer called and said my wife has countered. (my hearing is thursday and if we come to an agrement we could be divorced) or if we (I) disagree are final hearing could be in another few months. The funny things is I never thought my wife would take my offer, ALL THE DEBT. I do not want this DIVORCE. My lawyer said because we have not attended cope (for the kids) that we can post-pone this. I think this is what I am going to do.

Please give me your thoughts.

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>ATN, does your wife read here?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think so, why?

BTW....Is her counter offer considered to be FOG.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ATN:

Her counter offer is whatever it is. It probably has all kinds of things in it that her lawyer recommended she put in as negotiation "starting points".

"his morning my lawyer called and said my wife has countered. (my hearing is thursday and if we come to an agrement we could be divorced) or if we (I) disagree are final hearing could be in another few months. The funny things is I never thought my wife would take my offer, ALL THE DEBT. I do not want this DIVORCE. My lawyer said because we have not attended cope (for the kids) that we can post-pone this. I think this is what I am going to do."

Yep. Disagree!

Take care, and keep being loving to her.
-Qfwfq