I wish that I could tell you that things are better, but right now they are very confused. My W moved in with her mother 2/27, left there for two days and no one could get in touch with her, then came to the house Sunday. She and the girls spent two hours talking and crying. She is telling them that she would like to come home but that she can't, that she and I can never be the same because she doesn't have the feelings for me that she should. The girls don't understand why she won't at least come home and try. The truth is she spent the weekend with OM and I can not have her here at the house living a double life. I cannot be a willing party to what she is doing now, and the disrespect she would be showing to the girls and I by livng here is too much to bare. She can't be here and she can't tell the girls why, that's the life you lead when you enter into an A; cheating, lying, hiding.

Thanks for the concern, rb. Yes, we are seeing a MC on Friday. I think I'm going to try today to get an appointment with IC. You're absolutely right, I have to control myself and I may need some medication to do that. I know that H is simply trying to make it easy on himself, make me unhappy then I'll leave and H can have what he thinks he wants and needs. That doesn't make me feel better about myself, and the part I played in all of this. Ignoring the warning signs, spending more time with friends than with him. I'm equally at fault here and I know it. I HAVE to keep my emotions in check. To show him weakness now would be tantamount to giving up on my marriage.

Boy, it's going to be a long hard road isn't it?

Kim flowers, my FWH said all the same things. Unhappy, not you, it's me he said. Just don't feel the love anymore, there is nobody else, don't want another woman, blah blah.
All lies to cover the fact he was in a full blown EA/then PA! He just thought it was the most wonderful solution to his life!
All it did was make matters worse in our marriage and then he woke up the moment I found out! Wanted to restore marraige, rebuild, get forgiveness, etc.
Best thing you could do is hire a PI to get the facts! Then confront is what I'd do.
Once an A is out in the open, it changes all their little fantasy world!
As many suggested, read the book His Needs/Her needs. Find out where you may not be meeting some EN.
This is hard because we already know our WS's haven't been meeting ours! Yet we're the ones who have to take the blame most times and try to fix ourselves! SIC!
Protect yourself financially for sure. Watch assets to see he's not moving them!
I know here in Ca. when you file, whether you intend to go through divorce or not, it puts a restraining order on removing assets!
If you can get your H into counseling, do so. AS Dr.Phil says, you aren't ready for a divorce until the two have done everything possible to save the marriage!
God bless, LouLou

Kim. never, never leave! In some states that is called abandonment! Stick in there and work the plans SH recommends.
If you save marriage, OW has to be moved or H has to move. No matter what it takes. I think they have to be permanently separated for good!
LouLou

K: You are equally at fault for the state of your marriage. You are not at fault AT ALL that he is trying to deal with your problems in a way that is making them worse, not better.

Kim
I wanted to respond to you because you could have been me a yr ago. except that H never left our bed.But all the words are the same. In my case my H was looking for an excuse to proceed to the PA.

I was plan A and didn't even know what it was. He still had one time PA with this woman. They also worked togeter. Even though i didn't find that out for months later. If they are set not sure we can stop them. Keep to plan A

You have been married to this man so you know him probably better than he knows himself.That's the worse part. I knew where my H was going with all this even though the i care about you and don't want to hurt you im not happy. denies OW. I knew.

I blamed myself (wrong) It was 50/50 in the marriage but the A was 100% him and you are not to blame for those decision.

It has taken me this long to figure this out. Everyone will tell you to take care of yourself and trust me you will try but just feel like you don't have it in you. Take care of you first.

I am at an age where i never dreamed something like this could happen to our marriage that was always the one thing i was sure of. (wrong again)

I have now started college and doing way more for me at the same time if my H is still in want or need i can't do anything about it as i give 200% to him.

With the help of this board and deep searching i have been working on me and what my part was in the marriage becoming weak. and I work on that daily. Somedays are easier than others.

Don't leave your home, and if you want your marriage to work don't ask him too. I handled the money for 22 yrs and all the sudden my H wanted to take over the bills. NO way but we from that time on did them togheter.

The biggest part of me thinks this was a mlc thing but will never probably know for certain.
Their are so many with great advice on here. Use it I was reading alot and not asking many questions wish i had ask more early on.

Stay strong and follow your heart because even though it is breaking it is more stable than your logic. Best too you

An update:

Okay, I think this is a good sign. I gave H the article on Emotional Infidelity Monday night. I had doubts that he would read it, but Wednesday he came home and talked with me more than he has since D-day (Mar 2, a day that shall live in infamy). He said that he had read the article, and it was right on target. It was exactly the kind of relationship that he was having with OW. They had not gone P yet, but probably would have eventually. Strongly attracted to each other, and able to talk about their marriages with each other.

H voluntarily cut it off with OW on Wednesday, calling it a "Cooling Off Period". Although it is impossible for them to have NC since they work together, they have agreed that they will spend no time without other parties present. They will no longer discuss their personal lives with each other. H told OW that we were going to MC and were going to have a serious try at working it out. Each has cancelled various business trips to ensure that they are not on a trip alone together anymore. I think that we may be on the road to recovery. I know that we still have a ways to go, and perhaps some more setbacks with OW, but now I have hope that we will make it.

OWH also opened his eyes on Saturday night, and saw what was going on. I guess he thinks it has already been physical, I still believe it did not quite get to that stage and stayed E. OWH is making demands on OW, she may be thinking divorce is only solution.

I called OWH today and had a short chat with him. I gave him this website as a resource for his pain. I also suggest MC if he wanted to save his marriage, which he says that he does. I sent him an article on EA, perhaps he will be a little less angry if he can see what happened in all likelihood in black and white. I told him that I would miss their friendship, and I had only the best hopes for him and OW. He began to tell me how angry he was with H, I told him that it was all of our faults. OWH and I for missing ENs and them for looking for it somewhere else. I told him I wasn't angry at anyone, I just wanted to save my marriage. All in all, it was a nice conversation. I'll tell H about it when he gets home from work.

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: kim flowers ]</small>

We talked last night about work, what each of us had done all day. He told me he had seen OW, but that he called in secretary in with him when they met. There is still one business trip that neither of them can get out of taking together. Fortunately, it is with 5 other people, so they should be able to stick to business and stay out of the personal stuff. It will be hard for them though. My best hope is that OW and OWH start working it out so that I can get H back on track.

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: kim flowers ]</small>