3,

I'm here. Finally. Just got home from work and got right on to see if you posted.

Sorry you are going thru it. Told you it would be a hard week.

Don't even try to speculate what WS says, does or acts right now. You can't make WS change, only they can do that. You, however, are a different story, you are looking for change, improvement in yourself, and help.

You need to look into getting on meds to handle this 3, they really help to even out your emotions so you don't LB so much.

Personally, I was on Xanax and Celexa. Xanax for anxiety. Closest thing I ever had to a happy pill in my life. Celexa for depression. They saved me.
I never stopped crying for 6 weeks, couldn't eat sleep, etc. Lost 25 pounds, went in and got help.

Xanax helped immediately.

Sorry it is so bad for you.

It must be difficult to be calm considering your situation.

But just try to step back from it all. Why can't you tell ow? You aren't telling family.

Enough of that, you will decide what you have to do, just try to make best decisions for you and kids. WS will do what he does, you can't change him, he has to. As for you, you have to take care of 3 and kids, because that is what is yours right now.

It is EASTER, 3. Happy Easter!!! Don't let ow ruin your holiday with the children. As for WS, he makes his own choices. You need to concentrate on having a great Easter for little ones. Easter is special too, I have some great Easter holiday memories from childhood.

Pray 3. Thank God for all the blessings that you have in your life. Your kids, your health, whatever you have that is good. God is good and Easter is about something very wonderful. Concentrate on making this good for kids.

Let it all go for a moment. Three deep breaths, 3.
Breathe in , breathe out.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Love in Christ,
Martha

<small>[ April 20, 2003, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

HI I hope work was well , thanks so much for the sout out .

Yes I know the drill He is lieing to both of us , but can't get it through myself to understsnd it .

The why ? haunts me , what does he gain .? I mean he knows and I know he knows he can't have the 2 of us cause come june I will blow I know it I know me .

He knows that , he knows I don't belive him , its like a sick game I don't know .

Ever since he meet her , there is such a different person going on .

I mean he is trying thats whats wierd I see changesa in him I do see him trying on communication , I see his interst in asking about my day , the kids day , I see him taking as more active role in all that .

Its just this , I hate it , theres an excuse for everything .
He can't lie well never did , thats what I don't get either .

Why can' t he say hes confused , needs time , made a mistake coming home .

No he says nothing other then , He wanted to come home and everything is ok except for this " situation"

He can't tell her he is spending anything with family , always told her to many lies that he really doesn't speak to any one in family .

See he says thats the hole thing ,all the lies he told her is cause he never intended on introducing her to anyone cause he always knew he did not want anything with her .

So thats why she is more devastated cause the realitiy is she was not what she was told she was and now that he left her she fears what every one around her told her is true , that he would go home to wife and she would fight and defend him to everyone .

This is where all his supposed guilt is she throughs it up in his face and he can't see her for anything other then VICTOM >

Probbly venting to fast for replys LOL

Evry second the clock ticks I am expecting him to walk in and evrytime another goes by I am more disappointed and shouldn't be cause I know he will let me down .

What happens if this is a waste ? what happens if she does go away and I can't get past it? what happens if he can't make me heal ?

What happens if he thinks A is over so kets move on forget the past? What happens then ?

Do I break down all over again? will I be more bitter ? Will I feel more stupid ?

OH MY GOD you can not answer all that LOL I don't expect you to either just shouting the $hit .

DAM him will he be home on time for easter hunt with kids?

Is her pain worth it , is it I mean wow how can anything or anyone be more important then your childrens faces on any day let alone a holiday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

We have to leave at 11;30 am for family dinner at sisters house and I sware my gut is telling me he will walk in at 10am and shower then leave and not say a word just sit there and socilize like the jolly soul everyone knows and inside I will be om fire .

I can't belive I screwed this week up , man I want to kick my own a$$ , I should not have reacted I said, it in my head and screwed up .

I am stringer then that I know it I can't let this get me I can't . I can stck this out I wanted this I choose this .

This is not his fault its mine , my choice I can't back out , I will hate more self more for that .

I really don't feel god by my side at all .

3, glad you are here, read my post again, I edited, I wasn't helping you. Please read it again, and I will read your posts.
Miss M

3,

Don't EVER say you are a bad person.
You are worthy. You ARE a good gal.

You are trying and reaching out to learn the skills that you don't have, or haven't had in the past. You are trying. And you are trying to learn in the midst of a very hard situation. Please give yourself some credit.

You are good and worthy. You are doing your best with what you have in a VERY difficult situation. So get some help from the Dr. Blurt it all out and cry while you are there. It's okay. You are going thru a tough time. The Dr. will help you. You are in a crisis and it's okay to get help. It is healthy to get meds sometimes and counseling. Professional. And I am not professional. BUT, I have had some really good counseling. Christian. Don't be ashamed.

Healthy people seek help when they don't know what to do, and they are acting how they donl't want to act.

So that is a cool thing to do.

Seek the Lord and He will answer you 3, in His time. Remember that. Seek God's counsel in his word. If you want me to quote you some scripture, I will. God is Great. God gave me the answers in His word, and I still marvel at it. And I didn't always see it then. I see it now. Pray and read your Bible, 3.

God WILL help you if you SEEK him. He loves you and will make you do things that you would never do. But you have to have faith, and be obedient, even if you don't want to. I had to pray for ow and for God to bless her. I even prayed for another man to come into her life. (That was later) And she married 1 year later and lives in another city 40 miles away. (Too close, LOL!!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Praying for you.

Miss M

<small>[ April 20, 2003, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Ok read again , and you are helping just being there helps , i am a pretty esay going person LOL

Ok alittle white lie and before I get to self absorbed HAPPY EASTER to you to .

Yes easter was good times as a kid very family always do the HUNT and the big lamb & pork dinner always games and good love in the room .

My sisters and brother-in laws and 6 nieces and nephews all manage to keep this family strong and close after the death of our parents .

We all blend well , very close all different yet lovingly the same .

I know the kids will have a ball and I will be happier on the outside then on the inside .

Its just this has always been my dream I know not such high goals all i ever prayed for in my life since I was a teen was to fall in love , marry , have kids and have a happy family .

Not money, not a great looking house, not cool firniture but a loving family .

I feel as if I failed at my only career, goal ,achievement what ever you want to call it , in my life .

I truely never wanted anything more then that .
I always felt it would complete me .

I know to some who know me even my own sisters always found it hard to really belive but they all realized that is what I was most happy with .

He knew this , always said, what could he buy for me I always responded love it does not sost a dime .

Freinds would say are you nuts get that mink coat , he had it in his hands or more resent 3yrs ago dimond tennis bracelet .... no I wanted love with honesty .

In would buy for him he loved it I loved watching his face when he recieved it gave me much more pleasure .

I mean he bought me things materail things through the years but the ones that meant the most ...... my engagement ring and a diamand cross they both had a meaning from the heart .

What does all this rambling mean ?

I wanted Love why couldn't I get that ?

3,

Edited my last post! I guess it is edit night.

I know what you mean on your last post, my family, kids, and husband, especially, were all I ever have wanted or needed. It is my life. So I understand. Praise God, my FWS, understands that now, and I know I am blessed, because God has answered my prayers, I hope He will answer you prayers. God has given me back my husband, who was lost to me, and it has been a hard row to hoe.

Love to you,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Ok this may be last post I am getting to emotional and am going to need sleep for tomorrow .KIDS will rise early excited about the BUNNY GUY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What hurts also and I think your going to think I am crazy is I could trust him I really could . I wamt to right now I want to surrender to trust .

I feel like this will be less painfull , I mean not trust maybe thats the wrong word , DENIAL

I want to sit back and denie this is happening , I know some who read this are saying you are in denial already , NO I AM NOT , thats what hurts is watching some one lie and knowing you don't belive a dam word you here .

I am up front and cinfront all he says I come back and conteract everthing he says .

OW_-won't leave me alone
I say why don't you leave her alone

She calls all the time I have no control
I say change the numbers

She wants to see me and I don't want to go
SO don't

I want to come home when I am with her but she makes me stay and starts another fight
SO leave get up and leave .

She will get even with me if she ever finds out I am home and life will be misarable .

NO I will stand by you for better or worse we fight together .

She has a bad life so unfare the cards she was dealt .
SO it is HER life she needs to be an adult and pick up the pieces

I did this to her
No she choose to be with you no garenties

I did a terriable thing
Yes it was a mistake .

See I kmow he knows his way makes no sense to me ,
this is just something he has to do , I need to except that and if I am here when he is done then well I guess he is pretty lucky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

3,

WS did a terrible thing, and is still doing it, as far as I can tell.

Take care of 3.

Don't listen to fogspeak.

Take care of 3.

Prayers, prayers, read read.

Love in christ,
Miss M

OK another post , PRAY for OW let me think about that ,,,,,, well not there yet at all . MAYBE thats the ticket I am only wanting harm to her and I mean that right now .

SORRY not to christan of me but hey I don't lie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know this is not all her it is him it is him married to me , but she knows for along time now he is married and has kids .

And even after hereing kids upset once about him asking to be around her I mean screaming crying , she still told H they need to get over it .
If they don't except OP in your life you shouldn't see them then they will learn .

( the first time he was out of house ) So she stepped on the wrong nerve even use to tell him he sees them to much when he was out . And unless they can spend that time eith ALL of them together then there was no need ,

SEE I have different veiws on that , Even in D I do not feel you should involve children till your at a leavel of knowing this is the next person you will marry . no need for them to meet all OP in your life till your ready to settle down

So can't pray for her yet I will work on it soon though , I'll try anything LOL

Happy Easter and god bless , good-night and thank you so much for being there .

Enjoy the day and make sure you give thanks and a kiss to that H of yours for seeing the light .

You are blessed and so is he .
One more I hope D is doing well in school .
AND enjoying it I here college is a great experiance .

Take care ..

3,

YOU care about family, kids, your above post shows that ow cares about ow. And that is that.
You are worthy.

Fogspeak.

Take care of 3, and kids.

Happy Easter, read posts, praying, and you pray too.

Scriptures?

Pray for your enemies, pray for those who curse you, pray for those who hate you, you will be blessed. My enemies sometimes included my own spouse. People get turned over to Satan because of their own sin.

that would not be you.

But Satan attacks. Turn this over to God. Let God fight your battle. At least for tomorrow. He is stronger. He will always be faithful and never let you down. Let God fight the good fight for the next couple of days.

Happy Easter 3. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That is what Easter is all about, a rising from the dead, a new birth and saving the world, if they choose the right path, which is Jesus!

Peace out

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ April 20, 2003, 03:00 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Hi 3 --
Just wanted to let you know lots of people care about what you're going through.

I don't have the capability to post very often, but I read all the time. So I have been following your story and updates.

Did H get home in time to spend Easter with you and the kids?

I also just wanted to say that I think you are incredible, you know you want to save your marriage and I can't believe what you are going through to save it. And I think you have tremendous inner strength. Your H is a fool to jeapordize losing you.

One thing I have learned the hard way. Look at a persons words and actions -- and always believe in their actions. Words are easy. Its what they DO that counts.

3,

Checking in. How is it going?

By the way, you can go and get a new keyboard of about 20.00. Or just unplug. Turn off computer, plug back in and see what happens!

Have had to learn to be mechanical, computer lit, etc. H is not so good in those areas.

Love,
Love in Christ,
Miss M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear 3,

Been reading your post and thinkin' about you.

I think you need to look at your post from the 20th and try to find more areas to agree with him.

U actually have avenues to help him but it won't seem like help. Why not? Because the help he needs right now is you NOT telling him what to do.

Try being more agreeable when he is blaming himself or the OW. When he is reluctant to change the ph# and he blames her say, ok so what are you going to do or what do you think you should do?

Put the onis of coming up with a plan with himself and you keep silent on your 1000s of ideas. Remember he does NOT want to hear your ideas, he may just want you to hear his side. Foggy and illogical as it may be, he will eventually hear how dumb he is.

Periodically let him know you love him but find his answers and thoughts confusing.

I have done as I outlined above. For me it worked since I was the one carrying most of the burden (making sure all was in place for everyone). The giver in me pooped out and his giver had to step to the plate. I am not lazy mind you but his giver had to get off his tousche and start walkin'.

I recommend you let your H carry some of your burden. Also learn to give that puzzled look when he starts getting foggy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Yes , he made it home for egg hunt . 6am in the morning . The jerk, then b!tch called oh just before walking out the door 11:30am that was fun .........NOT . Now that I was stomch knoted and want to rip his hearst out of his chest with my bare hands , I went to families house .

Put on my smiliy face and played with all the kids while every bone in my body wanted to really kill someone (HIM & OW)

It was a wonderfulsunny day , oh yes I had a fabulas time . LOL

Then we come home and to what a call on cell phone from the twit , A call witch I wanted to here so was happy it came while we where in a 9 pm . So he had to take call in house , cause his lie to her is he lives alone at brothers house .

So kids asleep and hhouse quit I got to listen to them fight about who was suppose to call who .

This was a thrill , him telling her " I told you call me when you got in so I would know your home "

Mean while he swares to me there not a couple (aahh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Oh yes you would always get angree with some one about there were abouts or them not calling you when your not with them . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That lasted about 20min and then she called back , that was fun to WWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ok get the picture , no I need no 2x4 He is having an A !!! yes I can take the steps to say it , I am in reality . NO do not ask I am not going to call her YET not YET ....BUT you know what she is in the same place I am . She is plipping out just as much , and you know what , I should start to feel satisfied with that she is going through pain as well , she knows he is lying and she is bangin her head against the wall .

And you know what else he is all screwed up to , he has to keep up the pace and the lies and the running home and waking up and the no sleep .

You know what I decided , YES I am loosing it sometimes and screw that I can this $hit is hard . Yes MY decision but he!! a hard one .

I may vent and I may get fed up most of the time but HE!! if he wants out of this Marriage he gonna be the one to walk and if she wants him so bad then she better roll up her sleeves cause HONEY I have only just begun .

And you know what if he leaves me for her so be it but I will Always be in his life and there is nothing she can do about IT .

I also realized , I have a great inner streangh and will AND belive this or not there ganna have to do better then this to break me .

Hell I am not raising my kids to quiters unless they hane done everything they can to achieve what they set out to do .

I want the trueth out of him and I will not quit until he has to look me in the eyes and give it to me .

I read alot around here ALOT and well HE is still HOME , he don't have it all that easy , and he is tiered to , !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here comes the wind again I don't know I lost count and I sware I don't know where they come from some times but the blow in and oick me up .

So here I go again , ENERGY time .

He is with her tonight , cause I am sure he needs to beg her to stick around . The way it sounds from my preseption is she is ready to bail , she wants the life , she wants him to move back in and dam she wants to be apart of his kids lives .
She wants to meet his family .

Now thats funny , cause she knows nothing but a ball of lies about his family so that will be funny to see if they ever really get together .

She told me when I called her (before he ever came home)
THAT his mother HATED me , never supported his M to me and gets sick that she has to be around me to see here grandkids . I laughed so hard I pissed myself .

ME & MY momther-in-law are closer then she is with either of her own children .

SHE told me all his aunt& uncles hate my guts and put upwith me for him and they don't speak to me . WOW did they all pee when I told them this .

He does not even speak to them If I don't call all the time and his godfarther comes over for coffee all the time when I am home with out him there .

HIS brother well put it this way owns a con-do (not a house he is suppose to live in )

And his sister-in- law hates everyone .

That would be a family I would love for her to MEET . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
LEXXY - thank you for chimming in I apprechiate any input and all support !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well guys weather I do perfect PLAN A or not I am going to make it through this .
And by the way he was suppose to stop there for an hour its going on 4 .

Bye for now !!!!!!!

Orchid - Thanks I will re-read post from 20th , thanks for input I agree . I will calm down get my self together and forward .

Keep the advice and thanks for hering me vent !!

3,

Miss M to 3, come in 3. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS must be home. LOLLOL!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>