3,

Wait a minute. I said let WS deal with ow phone calls. I didn't say for YOU to call!! LOL!!

So you stirred up the kettle before you were even awake! Try to have your coffee before you even think about anything like that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Waving the white flag? What are you surrendering to? Sorry, have a wierd sense of humor today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a good one. Praying for you 3.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

3,

Read TessAngels thread on Emotional Needs forum.

It might be of some help to you.

Love,
Miss M

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Good morning , OK MONDAY up date .

WELL after he strolled in 9am from feri. night , HE stated NO CONTACT .

OW has not called all weekend . VERY sceptical of this (wonder why LOL )

UT was not very convincing , I don't know all just little of what he told me .

SHE wanted to get together with kids , he told her get over it your never seeing my kids and I am sick of playing this game with you for you to have me here to yell and scream at me and remind me I left you .
ITS not healthy for you or me you need to leave me alone .
SHE yelled some more then he told her I would appreciate if you did't have ANY CONTACT with me any more .

Some thing to that affect .

I really don't belive this , he is acting weird now I mean really .

Saying things like , Ok if she doesn't call any more this sittuation is over and will never talk about it again its in the past .

I need to change my attitude and he is who he is I better except that and deal with it .

There is nothing wrong with just forgetting and moving on .

HE is less affectionate ( we had sex on sat. but I don't know )

Sat . night went shopping and to party .
SUN . was alittle fight , I had a really nasty nightmare and he was cold in my opoin , He said, no he is just doing what he wants .

He said, I am not going to deal with this talking all the time .

I explained to him I do have exspectations of what he should be doing acting to me considering these are the things he said, he wanted and way he would be knowing what he has asked me to tolarate for him and our M .

He said, well thats not me I am not going to jump through hoops for you . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

JUMP through hoops NO I want you to climb mountains and go through fire bare feet .

I deserve it and this is waht was basicly haw you poured it on to me when you needed me to sit around and wait for you night after night dealing with her , what we are just going to forget the pain you put me through for all these months .

After cryimg awhile I just let it die I was getting no where .

I sware some times I think HE is going to drive me away knowing everything I will not tolerate and pretend that he is leaving cause we can't make it work , and will be sneaking with her all along . I am thinking that he will start lying about being with her now .

Be back later.

Sorry , I am back now .

I no this is early and N/C is preobbly BS , But if not I think some where right IF so I don't ahve it in me to save this M .

I can't go through the rest , withdrawal and everything else . I can't even comprimise .

I gave up so much of me at this point for him and our M that I Want to do nothing but RECIEVE .

AND my honest feeling is selfish I want to recieve my WAY no other , I feel he owes me .

I want the M I want nothing less and I don't want to settle at this point .

I feel very needy lately for his love .

I can't stop myself for feeling like this .

If I can't get the changes I want by JUNE 1 I am going forward with getting rid of him even if n/c is still in place . I want instant results with n/c . I feel I wasted my time loving and careing for someone who is going to sit back and just have the benifits of a good wife and I will not ever get my pain , hurt and anger agnoliged .

I am going over to read TESSANGELS now.

I am scared very scared I have not felt this way in a long time like it really is coming to an end if I don't get what I want .

OH and SUN we spent rest of day doing work on house together outside.

You want to have hope but are afraid to.
Afraid to trust again (because every other time you have trusted has turned out to be false hope).
Don't want it to be over, but can't live with the disrespect.

He seems like he is honestly trying to get together with you but is still getting SOMETHING from the OW. Who knows what it is...excitement, romance, anger release. And now he is in withdraw from that, like a drug. And now is a dangerous time, and he may go back to her. Ask him what he needs to take his mind off of her. Go out on a date (dancing?) Spend the day at a doubleheader (stay after to neck in the car).

After my husband stopped contact with the OW the last thing I wanted to do was coddle him. But I knew if I wasn't the sweetest person to him he would go back. The first few weeks were the worst. How dare he not bend over backwards to try to please me (that came later after he came out of the fog). How dare he expect me to cater to him as though he had the romance flu (I got much more back in return later). I gently talked with him and asked questions, without expression in my voice. And knew when I had asked just enough questions (could only get out about 2-3 questions at a sitting, but did that 2-3 times a day). If I needed to talk to him I would start with an embrace and whisper something sweet in his ear ("I don't want to lose you, I'm scared").

This can be an interesting time. He has a time schedule and he can be stubborn, trust that.

3,

Read your posts very carefully. Have a couple of questions and comments.

1. WS says you need to change your attitude. Have you asked him specifically what he wants you to change?

2. Are you still in plan A? Or are all bets off because of NC?

I think WS is going thru withdrawl. Once again I urge you to step back from this and don't pressure him.

Do you know what his top 3 EN's are? I found that by fulfilling my FWS EN's, that he ended up fulfilling mine, it took a few months for that to happen tho, so you have to be patient.

Try to give WS a calm, loving environment. My suggestion is no relationship talk, just calm, no questions, nothing. Just try to meet his EN's for now. No more drama. I think your H has had enough drama for awhile.

Sounds like your taker is in charge right now, do you want to have it your way or do you want to be married. Marriage is a compromise. Don't LB and send him running to ow right now.

You only want what everyone else wants, to be treated well and treated with respect. Now is not the time to make a bunch of demands about how you want to be treated, how you deserve to be treated.

Don't pressure. NO RELATIONSHIP or ow talk. Just let it all go right now 3, and be the best you can be. I know you are scared, and it looks like WS is trying to push your buttons so he can have the excuse to do WHATEVER, because he will provoke you into LBing.

His coldness is because he is withdrawing. He finally drew a line in the sand, said no more contact. Just chill and see what happens.

Remember, plan A, observe, meet EN's, and it just might turn out that you get your EN's met too. Maybe not now, but you have to stick with the changes that you are trying to make to help your marriage. Being a pitbull about how you want to be treated now that there is NC will not help your relationship right now.

I know it really hurts 3, just try to observe the situation and be nice, I know it is hard, but it should be easier to plan A and start some healing and recovery if there is NC.

This will not be about making things up to you. He can never make it up to you. You cannot change things that happened. You can't go back. But you can go forward. Like I said, show your changes and perhaps WS will start giving you what you need.

You still have till June. Ignore the coldness, etc. It is called withdrawl.

Praying for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

EN wow thats a laugh he won't say , no thats a lie . I have asked (won't take ENQ) he says nothing , not to here yelling , to be left alone except when he wants and for nothing else .

SEX is not even a need . (LOL)
Sware he told me it does not matter if we ever do or not its not needed in M . If it happens ok but he really don't care .

So thats what I have to work with , he wants to just be "NORMAL " thats the total of the hole thing he wants . YES the hugs at night and enjoys cuddling.

SEX does not care one way or the other .

Today was good so far , he says no calls from her yet and we talked very nice today laughing alot and have some more home projects to do .

Working on house alot has been put off , now trying to do some fixing , he says now he will have the time .

OK fixing favrate dinner and desert .

Do what I can with PLAN A , as long as theres N/C .

And yes SHMI, I am scared to death , I am starting to relize now I am scared maybe was all along and to proud to admit it .

I just have been so depressed , angry and confused for so long .

I really don't think this is N/C for real .

And Miss M you asked what he wants from me , I did ask that to along with his EN , same response nothing , to be normal , no yelling , and the only thing he asked to change exactly was that I do not make things up . EXAMPLE , something like he tells me his phone is off and he didn't know , I will usually say BS he was with OW and shut it off . SAYS I HAVE TO BELIVE HIM , If I ask then I should be satisfied with the answer .

OK AND HE THINKS TRUST IS RESTORED 100% IF HE HAS n/c .

OK I AM THROUGH FOR NOW , THANKS . i AM NOT DOING NO HAPPY DANCE ON N/C FOR AT LEAST A MONTH OR SO .

Agreed , comments ? And one question , your thoughts please ,What happens if contact starts up again well after JUNE 1 ??????????????????

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>

3,

If there is contact after June 1, then you need to think about this. If it were me I would stick to the origional plan. You made a decision about NC after June 1. I would stick to it so I could retain my sanity. Your deadline is about you and how much you can take. You said June 1.

If your H wants no yelling, then don't yell. Like I said in last post. Calm, normal (whatever that is)LOLLOLLOL!!! Sorry, I digress. Anyway, its seems your H is being upfront with you about his needs. Calm, not yelling, normal family things. Likes to cuddle? Do that. The rest will come around. Meet those 2 EN's. Plan A till June.

No relationship talk, no ow talk, yes, I know I am repeating from last post. In my very humble opinion, this is important for the next couple of weeks, at least. It might help both of you. You might tell him you are frightened when you read his mood and think he may be receptive.

I think WS needs a break from the drama. You are the good girl. Yes, I said the GOOD girl, and you can do it. Everyday life, and try to let it go.

Post here when you are scared, mad, hurt, etc. Vent here instead of to your H.

And pray 3, get that bible, NIV version I hope, and start reading the book of Proverbs. Short, sweet, and a lot of wisdom there on how to live a good life.

Glad you did so well yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know you are scared, it is okay and perfectly normal. Sometimes I still get scared. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Praying for you always,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Sounds like you're making it work, laughing, cuddling. The trust may never come and Dr. Harley says that we should nver trust our spouse 100%.

I talked with my FWH after the A and told him I would be checking email (that was his primary way of contact). If he has nothing to hide he probably won't have a problem with it, depends on how sweetly you ask. I told my FWH I needed reassurance. And after a month or so have told him that every time I get on his email and find nothing to suspect him of contact with OW that I feel better. I told him I would probably need to keep this up for awhile if not indefinitely. It helps me feel better and trust. But I have to ask very nicely. He has only seen the tip of the iceberg of the hurt I am feeling and one day when he was in a foul mood and I asked what he was doing on the computer he replied "talking to my girlfriend" it sent me in a tailspin of anger and hurt. He apologized, he was only joking but resenting me checking up on him...we still have a ways to go, but it's working out.

Counseling helps, and one thing I learned in counseling is that men (sorry to generalize here) view a peaceful home in high regard. I think of that often and have tried to manage that. No yelling, complaining, criticizing. If I have a complaint I will bring it up very sweetly, and one at a time (I used to bombard him with "I'm tired of the way you...."). If I can't get all my complaints heard one day I wait till another (it usually doesn't bother me the next day). I mostly hold my tongue about the little things I used to get after him about.

This is the way I have changed to keep him around. Some of my friends think I'm a fool for wanting to stay and trying to please him so much. Then others are supportive and say "No one knows your relationship except the two of you."

He sounds like he is trying to change, and the two of you had started to feel some peace (which will be a big difference from the anger and chaos at OW's house). Good luck.

HI MissM & SHMI , good to know you guys are with me .

well evening went fine no fighting and solved the probblem of waking H up when he falls asleep on coach (I think ) HE tells me wake him up not to let him sleep there , and i do but he is nasty and it takes an hour or 2 so I want to kill him .

THE other night I decided to say his name softer and hug him when waking him he got up not nasty . LOL and in half the time .

I am scared to death , I feel like when OW was calling I at least knew what to expect . (thats sick I know ) But it is honest .

I just feel like I did alot of work already and yet I know I didn't I just tolerated alot of $hit .

I mean lets face it my plan A leaves alot to be desired . Now that IF OW STAYS out of picture I should be able to plan A but I am tired .

I don't know but I am not yelling and helping him a great deal . Its only 3 days of N/C . BUT my fear of all is that MOTHERS day is coming and I can't imagine her staying quit for that one .

But I do feel this little sign of n/c will help prove to me that if it starts again that it is not him starting the contact and it is her .

I know that might not make sense to anyone else but me or mean anything to anyone , but to ME it means a sign that it is her prosuing him and not in the reverse .

I need to belive him , It means alot to me that I would be able to think that as sick as it is he is being HONEST .

Honesty is my big thing #1 in my book . I don't care if the trueth hurts just as long as I get it .

I just feel like I need a sign something that shows me he is not ling anymore or that he hasen't since he has been home .

One of my things about contacting OW is that she lied about a couple of things big things the first time I ever cintacted her .

So if I was going to her to sheed some light she may just be lieing to keep him and I won't get the trueth anyway and be more confused .

See I am a mess . Something very bad is going to happen I can feel it .

This gut feeling I got for 4 days now is not going anywhere and it means trouble .

I get this gut and I know when its bad news , this is that feeling I can't explain it . Its like I am going to throw up every second of every day .

I got it a week before my dad died, before they found a prblem with my nieces heart surgury, my mom-in-law accedent , my mom dieing , and yes the A .

No I am not saying I got any special power for future just this thing a week or 2 before something really bad happens .

I don't mean something small either , something BAD .

Maybe its the situation thats bringing it on maybe my imagination is just running crazy .

But I am not comfortable , not at all .

Well for me I am just rambling , I don't feel right today not myself . post later if not tomorrow .

WEll how do I say this , HUSTON WE HAVE CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now that didn't take long .DID IT ??????

Well I couldn't have done anything that fast to make him run into her arms again .

Maybe HORNEY ? Maybe just misses her to much ? Maybe needs to fight with me ? May be feed up and needs me to say one more time GET THE F^%%^ OUT OF MY LIFE ALREADY !!!!!!!!!!!!!???

Ok folks he palyed me , calls all pissed off OW called yelling saying she is going to call ME (GOD I WISH SHE WOULD DO IT ) and how she is going after him once and for all .
THEN I said, well try to have a better part of whats left of your day .

NEXT call comes HI I am leaving can't talk I am on my way to see OW I am going for a MINUTE to see what her problem is , He was abrupt and hung up . that was an hour ago .

ok WHITE TOWEL IN ............

SEE ya later , I can't do this i was stupid and foolish and this is just a waste to think i was going to be the one he wanted . ITS been her all along .

3,

I'm sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know that it wasn't just you hoping for NC, I know I have been.

However, I am not surprised. Just stay calm to H. You have a plan, even if it is not going like it should. You have until June I guess, for your plan B. I could understand if you don't make it till then, but perhaps you need to just focus right now on minute to minute things, kids, etc.

Breathe in breathe out.

Don't ask, and if WS decides to talk, just listen and don't LB. This ow is not goin down easy. So just try to be calm.

I know you are hurting and how much you wanted this to be over, but alas, not yet. I know you don't want to yell or have grief. In as much as you are able, try to be at peace with everyone. Make it your choice.

I don't know what else to tell you. I would think this has been going on long enough that you CAN step back, observe, not react, and make the decision that is healthiest for you and your family. Choices WS makes are his alone. You are good, so remove those buttons. Make a conscious decision not to be the drama.

As for WS drama, that is his choice and problem. ow is not important in your choices for your family and future. WS chooses his drama. Don't buy into it or feed it in any way.

Praying for you, as always.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Ditto on everything Mis M wrote.

I understand about being tired and not wanting to work anymore. I got to that point too.
But then I realized I had been wanting to fix everything and had been going about it the wrong way. I had been spinning my wheels. I had been working very hard, but doing all the wrong things. I had been yelling and coaxing and persuading and complaining. I resolved to give up, and love him the way I wanted to be loved, the way I wanted to be treated. And when he saw that I was giving up, and that I was changing, then he REALLY started to turn around.

I pray for this to happen your your M. You have been working so hard. You have been losing your love. I agree, waiting to June 1st may be too long. Have you read more about Plan B? It's a time of no contact with the WH. A time to let the affair run it's natural course (and it will, he won't stay there). And a time for him to learn respect, love, and miss you.

There are many stories on here of how relationships have turned around after Plan B. I read one yesterday from a WW. I will try to find it and post it here.

You don't deserve this! You deserve love and care and protection from being hurt.

3,

Just wanted to let you know I am praying for you today, will keep you in front of the Lord all day while I am at work.

Won't be home until about 11pm your time.

Just know that you are a good person and that you are not alone. And that someone will be praying for your situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope your day goes well.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

GOOD day , well this has been the battle of a life time personaly to much of my life .

THANK you both for the words of wisdom .

SHMI as you agreed with MISS M a very bright string women as both of you are ,I to know all of this .

AND SHMI I kmow all about PLAN B , its in my post here all reasons, explanations , excuses ect. of the whys?

I can't rehash them , MISS M knows what I am talking about .

I stayed away last night out side , then went to bed alone didn't bother to wake him . (I of corse got yelled at for that ) WHO CARES .

YOU know what I am battleing the the wrong person here . THIS WAR is in ME not about HIM OR OW.

It is about ME I have comprimised my self way to much , I can loose him thats ok , BUT I am mad and angry and confused cause I lost the most inportant person in my life MYSELF .

Something I swore I was not doing , I have been doing it all along .

NO , I can not blame him or her for that I have only myself to blame .

I did this to me , I betrayed ME .

It is not for him to fix , or for her to go away .It is for me to change , change back to the person I am .

I am moral , I am indepedant , yes I am nasty 2(LOL) and whats wrong with that , to hell with waht ever he wants he M ME this is me .

And I M him , he changed and I don't like it .

YOU see when things where getting nasty around here I asked him to let his actions speak to me (pre-a) I said, Open up more , be more caring , loving , giving , kind , have a heart again not an ice burg .

WELL guess what he mad all those chages .

HE is wonderful , he loves , he gives , he cares , he bends over backwards he SHOWS me his heart ..........ALL TO OW ALL FOR OW .

SO I god my wish he is a wonderful loving kind man , its just for some one else . LOL

ISN't it funny , they say be careful what you wish for . MY wish was for him for him to always be happy and forfilled . WELL he is whats the problem , ain't I a good person helping my HUSBAND find himself to be the wonderful man I always knew he was . ALL for someone else .

THIS is really enlighting . I am just so happy for them .
Glad to know that there really is PRINCE CHARIMGS and that the CINDERALLAS of the world really do become princess's .

I wonder if for a gift she will take the kids and the car and the house and the bills ?

DO you think she will get overwhelmed by my act of kindness . ???

GUYS you have been great to me , sitting here listening to my pathetic sorry [censored] day after day .

I do apprecate it and do , so want to belive that the right people get happiness .
I just have to come to the party and realize this is me I choose to live in this $hit and shouldn't be upset about it , I mean I wanted a family and a home and love of a good man .

2 out of 3 ain't bad . SETTLE yes I am .

I am going to settle to give him happiness , to give him to her and in turn just live with one day at a time in my life .

BUSINESS partners M of convenice after all thats the only thing I did not conced to yet and its about time I do after all isn't it what it is .

AND why should I do anything about it ?

WHY should I cuase them unhappiness , why should I stir up trouble for him or there R .

After all why CONTACT HER she is a lier to . I already know that . So what does it get me trying to belive 2 liers? thats not healthy .

SO on I march , living day to day and just be me .

ITS over with me and HIM the sooner I acept that the better I will be .

HE will have her and I will have well everything else .

3,

Okay, enough of the pity party. I know one when I see one, because I can be the QUEEN of pity parties.

Anyway, I have to disagree with you saying you are nasty, that is who you are. NOT. You are nasty because being nasty is a manifestation of being hurt.

You are hurt. And you are REACTING. I understand why you do it. The situation couldn't be more in your face than it is now.

Good that you stayed away last night and then went to bed without waking WS. If he is tired he can get his own butt to bed. It's not your responsibility. And you were gently avoiding him because you were angry/hurt. That is OK.

Yes, you have betrayed yourself and hurt yourself. This is because you have not set the boundaries that you needed to. However, you have set the June 1 boundary.

June 1 is when you push WS off the fence with plan b. Force him onto ow without your support, love, without family etc.

And I wouldn't tell anyone in family why if I were you. Tell them they need to ask WS why. And as his wife you deserve house, kids, car, etc. Sorry if I sound vindictive, but your WS has had all his cake and no consequences from you.

Plan B is to protect whatever feelings you have left for WS. Maybe he needs to be with ow and NC with you, family, home, etc. for message to get through. Also plan B is for you to get off fence.

Don't mean to be harsh. Just do your plan. PLAN A, 3, give it your best.

Hopefully you can find 3 again. I remember reading a post that warned someone not to become isolated or diminished over WS affair. That is exactly what I did. Went nowhere, talked to no one, hid out, gave up my music, etc. Am finally coming out of it. Is that what is happening to you?

3, I feel so bad for you. Glad that you have at least one place to go, vent, and talk about it. And stop being nasty. Don't let your WS turn you into someone you are not. You need to realize who 3 is, and go find 3 again.

Let go of WS and his drama. You have to keep your sanity somehow. His choices have nothing to do with you. You have kids to take care of, so, 3 deeeep breaths, and on you go. Look forward to June 1.

Keep me updated.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

You are a wonderful, honest, caring, hurt, thoughtful, articulate person that has given up much of their time and attention to this M. It doesn't seem like it is worth it. Wasted time. But there is something there, or else it would have been easier to give up on it earlier. How can you make this the M you've always wanted? A friend has an expression, "fake it till you make it", which means acts loving, caring, and kind, (and honest) and act as though you have the M you want. Then if things don't change by June 1st...then No contact, but let the last memory of you be a sweet loving person, but not a doormat. Make him truly afraid he is losing you.

But do this for you...make the changes in your life you want to make. Become that person you know you are. You have not been happy with the kind of person you are, but that can change.

Have some posts I've found of M's turned around if you want to read them...

web page

web page

Hope this help to give a little bit of hope.

3,

Are you ok?

Kept you in prayer all day.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

The only response that I can give is NO , I am very far away from OK .

THINGS are VERY VERY VERY BAD right now , I knew that GUT feling was a BIG one .

I will TRY later TO post ,THINGS have spun very out of control .

THIS will be the only time I ever ask for PRAYS !

I do not think I am going to make it through this part I was not ready yet .