21 more days , wow that went fast , so this is the count down .

NOW the fun begins LOL. LIFE is a living HE!! .
I am sick of making decisions and sick of thinking of decisions to make .

THIS is the most depressing part , watching the days go down to the end , counting them down 1 by 1 till my M is finally over .

What a sick feeling I have inside me , thinking that I was going to ultimately get what I wanted and I am sure I am not .

MY M is going to be over !

I thought about that feeling people get inside , that at peace feeling , (I even had it once , when I was ready for it though )

NOW all I got is this nasty feeling of throwing up my insides .

MAKING a dead line having to stick to it and not being ready for it .

Reflecting on ones self some times is not a good thing , YOU can be harder on your self then anyone else possiablely can .

TO look inside and be empty , see nothing but some one who has failed , not others but themself .

NO not a pity party , just a dose of reality to ones self , hey no human is perfect .

I have 21 days to sleep this all away , CONFLICT AVOIDER , yep for the next 21 days I am avoiding life and all it is in evey way .

MB has been an eye opening , in alot of ways , having to face things you don't want to , learn things you didn't think you could , and seeing yourself for who you are , and seeing your M for what it is .

AS eveything starts to spiral out of control , and go the opposite direction of what you thought it would , I finnaly relived that I was playing a game .

WITH my own head , I was in reality beliving him , I learned more about me now then I care to .LOL

I was saying I don't belive, knowing I shouldn't belive , BUT never letting go of the MAN I once belived .

I really truely do not care what happens at this point , I don't think anything will make me happy any more .

I am not a strong person , I am indeed very weak .

BY tolerating this it was not strong , IT was weak and better then CONFRONTING my fears and my self .

IT was I guess easier to have some of him then nothing at all . Funny how it all comes to bite you in the A$$ .

I am pissed cause all this time alone I had to be with MYSELF and I don't like me .

REALLY I am worse then he is in evrey way , EXCEPT I don't lie to others only to myself .

I am in fact just a coward as he is , not wanting to resolve this issue unless it was 100% in my favor .

I am sitting back just as he is to make the decisions , cause I don't want to .

I am useing excuses as well as him if you think about it , just different ones .

I am scared , confused, upset, sad, angree , betrayed , ect. AS he is .

I place blame , so does he . I am abusive , as is he .

I in reality am selfish also, I feel this is owed to me .

OK enough self reflection , this hurts .

NO one can 2x4 me better then me . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WELL 21 days and I don't no if I will be coming as much , cause well it just will all hit the fan weather I want it to or not cause I set the boundery now I got to eat $hit and move on it .

BUT I will say this it is not a peaceful feeling it is horriable .

YOPU guys are great and I may be around to vent , who knows . LIke I said, sleep is looking really good for 3 weeks .
LOL

3,

Read MIMI1234's post from this weekend on GQII, she is going thru a similar situation as you. Not as many LB's LOL, but it might help you to look at that. Also read spacecase's post. There is a lot of wisdom there.

Yes 3, I know you are very hard on yourself, as you said, no one can 2x4 you better than yourself.

If you want to hear what I have to say to you, let me know. It won't be that easy to hear, because I know who you are. You are who I was about 3 years ago. And I was wrong. I was my own worst enemy. Yes, my husband was wrong, yes I was justified with my anger and withdrawl from him. But, I was WRONG in how I treated him. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong. My pain and anger at him, and all the awful things I said was WRONG. The bible says that where words are many, sin abounds. Just because I was hurt didn't give me the right to be so mean to my husband. I have said and done many things that I regret to this day. It is a miracle that I have a good marriage now. But, it was ME WHO CHANGED FIRST.

I praise God that I had Him during my time of need, and I was obedient to God for the first time in my life, and it saved my marriage. It was very ugly and very scary, and I was in plan A for about 2 1/2 months before I went to plan B.

I know what low self esteem is, I know what putting myself in the worst light is, I don't need anyone to trash me because I trash myself.
Been there, done that, still do it sometimes.

Leave your H alone when he comes home, give him time to chill and relax after work. Don't pressure him for answers to your questions.

Emotionally remove yourself from this drama. Yes, you have had a hard time with plan A. Just try to do it for the next 3 weeks. Let go and be the good wife. Tell him ow talk is too painful for you and to do what he feels he has to do. You need to be in a strict plan A this next 3 weeks. YOU MUST BREAK THIS CYCLE OF ABUSE. This is a deadline you have set. This is what you said you were comfortable with. But you haven't done all the work that you have needed to do in order to feel you did the best you could.

I would mail you a bible if I had your address. There is so much I want to share with you, not all of it is easy to hear, but I know who you are 3, I might be able to help if you would listen to me.

3, you are a good gal doing some bad things. Life and death are in the tongue. Someone needs to stop this madness. Your WS is not. You are at least trying. I am not trying to be mean, I just know exactly where you were at. I was there.

It doesn't matter who is right. It doesn't matter who is wrong. It doesn't matter how justified your pain and anger is. You need to pull yourself out of this viscious cycle. You need to make the changes in yourself. I've given you plenty of stuff to work with. Why don't you re-read your thread?

Dr. James Dobson (Tough Love) stated on his radio show that "Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt someone because they hurt you."

Stop trashing WS and ow, stop giving WS all the ammunition he needs to never end his A, to go to ow. You already admitted you have said this. STOP IT.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

3,

fyi, spacecase's thread is the one that says "Affairs that don't end, THE END"

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I do read through most posts here, I also see alot of people doing for as long as me and longer with contact going on .

When I go through with JUNE 1 , I have still failed , I failed myself .
I did not condust myself with every effort to be the best ME . I did not successfully PLAN A .
AND having the A in my face is the EXCUSE .

IF I do not go through with JINE 1 then I still fail myself cause I did the talk and not walk the walk .

I know MISS M , I do know all the rest you want to say , I am pretty sure that anyone who reads this is stuck on GO TO PLAN B , confront ohter women ect. I am also sure theres no one saying stick out .

I am not saying I would advise many to do so either unless they are made awre of the long haul .

THERE is someone in "JUST FOUND OUT " that I posted to , she is in the same situation . GOING down same road .I wouldn't give advice to not save her M , BUT just experiance to know what you may face .

FEEL free to let loose I always told you that , I know you don't think I will like what you have to say , but it is your poion that I do want .

I am listening , I am reading , I am battling within myself . I do LOVE this MAN . I really do .

I just , think she may love him more , better , what ever . MAybe its not fantasy , fog ect.

MAYBE it is the nice guy thing , he thinks its the RIGHT thing to do , live up to the responsiablity end of being here for the kids and the fintial support and living up to those promises .

JUST that he should have someone he is truely happy with to .

I mean come on all these A can't all be fantasy and fog . WHY can't this be the real thing , ?

IN away I wish he would say he loves her , or that it is his soul mate , or that he is home for those reasons and wants a M of convenance.

It would make it easier to accept this .

HEREING this was a miss take , I love you , I want a future with you , we are meant to be , I am nothing with out you .
Begging me to give him understanding and to belive in him is worse (JMVHO)

It makes it harder to give up . I want to belive and surrender to him , take a leap of faith in him the man I LOVE .

I am scared that he is telling me the trueth and I am going to regret this for the rest of my life for making all this time we had horriable instead of as good as it could have been .

I am sick of holding back , the part of me that just wants to hold on to him for dear life .

OK so this might sound nieve and childish , I don't care this is what the HE!! is inside of me .

I want to be wrong I want to love him UNCONDITIONALLY , I always took the good with the bad . Why can't I do it again ,? why can't I just deal with this ?

I am re-reading all my posts , all the time .

I understand people want to help , I am having a hard time dealing with TIME !

DEAD LINES , limits , THINGS OF THAT NATURE .

AND my need to have things BLACK /WHITE .

I don't do gray , and that is what I feel I missed , IT is something to what WS explains (not those exact words but basic )

WS is stating this is not BLACK and WHITE , THERE are shades of gray .

I so wanted to accomplish one thing while on MB , and it was to understand what WS go through and need from the BS .

All I get out of him is , I just want you to be there for me and not give up in us or our M and to understand and not be hurt that he feels guilt for what he did to OW .

I did not find that answer or maybe I did but did not apply the princepal . WELL this took long in between had phone calls and D to attend to .

Any way just things going through my head I offten need to clean it out LOL

3,

You acknowlege that you haven't done a good Plan A. Are you starting to understand it better at this time?

YOU set the deadline 3, you are holding yourself to that. I guess we all remind you of that because it is hard to see you going through so much.

However, in MVHO, you have been not doing as well as you have wanted in plan A. You are really still learning and trying to put your plan and behavior changes into action. Very hard considering.

I believe you had been making improvements in how you are reacting to things. You are learning and I want to encourage you to step back some more.

If you feel like you have not shown WS changes that he needs to see, or that you are not happy with what you have done, and you see what you need to do, this is good.

You can change your deadline. I know it is really scary to go to Plan B. Only you know what you need to do. Now I know people will think that you need to plan B, but if you feel like you haven't done a good plan A and you need more time to be successful at this, that is your choice. You have only been trying this for a couple of months, and you are very much in the habit over a long period of time to react to everything.

Just be honest with H 3. If you feel you aren't ready for deadline, fess up and say why. Tell WS you feel bad about things said, treating him bad, whatever, you know. What do you have to lose? If you need more time, that is up to you. It's okay to decide that you might need more time. Or that you have made the wrong decision and you need more time.

You have been doing some good things. Focus on that. It was good that you wouldn't lie to MIL. Don't lie or enable the A.

If you feel like you need more plan A time, to show WS what it SHOULD be like, it is up to you. But you have to take into consideration that contact is ongoing. And you have to decide if you can live with that and try to show WS how good it can be while this continues. If you cannot do it without having a nervous breakdown, then stay with your deadline.

It's your call. Only you know what is best for you. You can also continue with the changes you feel you need to make in yourself if you are in Plan B. It's all about you and how much you are able to deal with right now.

Praying for you, as always!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

PS. Sleeping the next 3 week won't make everything go away! LOL

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

DID NOT want to go to bed until I told you thank YOU !!!!!!!!!!

I will post in morning , and I am mad that you are saying I can't sleep for 3 weeks LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear 3,

FYI about the June deadline. Just make sure that if you change the date, it will not be construed as giving in. Now I know that might make you upset but remember the FOG!!!!

Your best of intentions will be distorted in the fog. U also may be more ready than you think. Pre plan B jitters get most of us until we realize plan B is a stress reliever. We may not realize how much of a burden we are carrying.

Sleep? Bet you haven't been getting much anyway right? Your body will soon go on strike and force you to sleep. When? Depends on how strong your adrenaline flow is going.

Right now, work on you. Make yourself better and strengthen yourself. Inside and out. Keep busy. Easier said than done but worth the effort.

I don't regret going to plan B..... still have it in my back pocket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

ORCHID & MISS M - ok I read both post and I am re-reading them . THANK YOU .

TO address some things , about PLAN B jitters , yes I do know about that (PRE-MB) THAT is how he basicly lleft the first time (back in 2001)

THIS time its not about the jitters of knowing what PLAN B will do for me , cause I know it is a srtess reliver .

ITS about GETTING him out with out the "DRAMA"

YOU see my WS personality is HE DOES what HE wants no one FORCES HIM ( thats funny and makes me angree considering the excuse about OW )LOL

IN order to go to PLAN B it will get "DIRTY"

ITS not going to be , "I told you N/C so now please leave its time and I can no longer live like this "

NO NO NO , IF it should come down to it , he will say I need more time I will say no .
THEN he will say I am not going NO WHERE !

THE only way will be to : CALL OW, EXPOSE A to fam. &FREINDS , or FILE D MY SELF .

1- I WILL NOT FILE D ....END of that one .
2- CALLING OW , well as much as I want to RING HER NECK , run her over, slame her in to a wall , OK OK you get it . I feel she knows he is home or suspects and I belive this ALL is being done to PRVOKE ME to call her .

WITH her knowing if I do , she will indeed take him in , and he would leave me .

THIS is true , he would leave , I know him that well on this it will be more of a scene .

ANY other way other then DRAMA is not going to work .

NOW I know you may think I am crazy , but all these things I am not ready for .
IF I could just say leave and he did I can handle that . UNDERSTAND .

PACKING HIM don't work I did that , if you recall in my posts, I did it a couple of times even put $hit out in car in middle of night . HE comes back and unpacks .

SEE theres a differents from last time to now , then he said, HE didn't want to be around me , there was to many "PROBLEMS with US" IE:HIM .
SO when I said, start putting M back and face the problems and work on it he BOLTED >.(A WAS GOING ON)

NOW he says , HE don't want anyone but me , BUT wants to handle her his way .

NOW all of you know as well as me , OW will not go away with all this attention . AND YES this job threat .

WITH part of that , I have seen him apply for other work and make all those attempts.(NO he does not work with her , but in same area as she works and lives ) PLUS she has cell # (can't be changed & beeper all company owned )

IF he goes to boss to change it , she ends up getting it anyway and if not threating him to call company . It aslo is not hard to get the NUMBERS anyone can if you pose as a rep or something they will give it to you , cause it is for company use only .

THESE are not excuse just the facts I know and have checked on .

NOW to adress alittle on moving deadline , I am not changing anything as of yet .

MM , you do read me well , I am insecure right now and need some reenforcement some times to tell me its ok , and my choice . I do know everyone wants me to stick to JUNE , for MY sanity . I greatly appreciate that .

THIS past week of "DRAMA " as we are all calling it has been well a bit much . THIS is never where I wanted it to end up , for I know HE is trying to justify this A and the yelling around here gives that to HIM . ( FOR his brain is scrambled )

I need to post another this is long .

Ok pick up , on a couple of other things , yesterday calm and quit , 2 phone calls from work him to me (I do not call unless necessary)

I always hang up first . NICE and no R talk .

THEN OW called as he was leaving work told him stop by , she needs to tell him something .

HE said, all she said, was so how was W that you didn't see her MOTHERS DAY ? DID she have anything to say? He said, to her no cause I don't live with her so she wouldn't say anything ,and then she said, no more threats I am going to find out what your lieing about once and for all , I will find out if your at home and then I will deal with you . HE said, what ever .Came hame basicly 10 min alter then normal time .

HE told me what was said, I did not ask he told me about an hour and a half after he was in .

I did not react , I really had nothing to say .

I wanted to say , she probbly knows he is home and being there more and more is her way of getting me to call her , as I have done in the past . (SO she to has learned to think she can push my buttons )

I am starting to belive if I do not focuse on her at all it will in turn force her to LB more .

I feel like if they can't break me into going down the " DRAMA " with them then one of them will be forced into making the moves , now when will either one of them do that ? I do not know.

MAYBE if would have happened already if I was not letting them get to me to LB all the time .

FOR all I know he could be telling her the same thing , that I will get feed up and go away and to hang in there . AND she is just as pissed as me that she can't force the issue .

THE only difference is she don't have the support of the wonderful people here at MB . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MM, you asked some questions before that I may have not gone into , I will .

ONE is do I think I know now the changes I need ? and if I am srtong enough now to get to work on them ?

YES I see most things and being strong enough well I need to see how I handle myself for another day or 2 to judge that .

MAYBE I am just a slow learner REAL slow (LOL)

I do feel I start to get a handle on stepping back sometimes . I am just an ants in the pants girl !LOL

I want to do it and see him REACT to it at the snap of a finger ( and we know fog doesn't work like that )

ok got to go keep busy things to get doing . OH by the way , while PREPARING coffee for him this morning I wrote him a note on the cup (DISPOSABLE ONES)

I lOVE U, HAVE A NICE DAY & and my KICK boxing class IS at 6:45 pm I am so excited !

NOW the KB thing was alittle LB I think I was trying to get across not to see her tonight , and I got the change of her schedule in my head , SOMETHING 2 weeks ago happened , REMEBER I post they see one another wend. & FRI ( mostly all the time )

WELL 2 WEEKS in a row it was tues & fri.

AND something he said, when I was making plans for this class was I don't no if tues is going to be a good day . I said, why? WS said, YOU never know what will come up with the OW .

I at the time said, SHE shouldn't be dictating my life , and he said, shes not , shes doing mine and doesn't know I am home so it is complicated .

I said, well YOU know your home , so you do something about it , and I thought I have nothing to do with this and I am wrong when I tell you this is my problem to . YOU always say it has nothing to do with me . SO If thats true , I guess it won't interfear with me having a life and you to be here for kids .( ok maybe LB ) BUT that took place 2 weeks ago .

see ya later .

Wow!!!

I must say I wouldn't have lasted a visit with my MIL without spilling the beans.

It's funny that after only a few days visit your MIL knew what was going on. Your friends are probably the same way too.

I was very much like you (and Miss M).
I spent the past 10 years in my M doing what can only be described as abusive behavior...flying off the handle, constantly criticizing, judgementalness, etc. The only difference is my H didn't fight back. He sought out OW to help him feel better. We would fight and "work it out" but it was only after I made some REAL changes in the way I treated him that things turned around.

At the beginning I was afraid to hope...what if I tried so hard and it still wouldn't work out? I would get my heart broken twice as hard (if there is such a way). But I had to really look at my part in all of it. Sure, he had the A, but I was 60-70% responsible for our M being unhappy. So I had to change the most. It has not been easy to change, but it had to happen, and it was almost immediate (it's amazing what we can do when we really want to). It took losing my H and my M to make me see my part in it.

Your husband sounds like he's doing things backward, but....he's doing it. It looks like he's making changes in his behavior toward you, and being committed (at least while he's home) and N/C with the OW will come after. Seems backwards to you and I, but that is his choice. Praise him for the good he is doing....and overpraise him. You are the one he is being honest with. He is cheating on her now (ironic isn't it).

June 1st, I will not hold you to it if you feel you need more time to give him all you want. I had read somewhere it takes 30 days to change a habit. Once you've changed a behavior, and kept it up for 30 days, then it becomes your new habit.

Wise people gave me advice when I decided to stay with my M and work it out (when I found this website), "Only you and your H understand what's going on in your M and can make decisions that are best, no one else can understand and make decisions for you."

About things getting "dirty" if/when Plan B begins? It takes two to take it there. You can be firm without getting aggressive. You don't have to play into it. You can remain calm. Have you thought about leaving? Do you have a plan? Sign a lease so you're not tempted to move back in right away. That's what bothered my H so badly, he didn't want the kids living in an apt.

Write him letters.....write him what you think....edit it before you give it to him for any LBs, rewrite it...you write well.

Thinking of you!

You mentioned that maybe one or both of them would have made a move if there hadn't been all the LBing on your part...interesting notion.

Dr. Harley says that A's will almost always die out, and we often times have to just wait for it. (That's what your H has said all along, in my own time). Just be the sweet person waiting for him when he "wakes up".

The Kick box LB. Don't know that it was honestly an LB. You can apologize for it later and let him know you didn't mean to hurt his life by writing that on the cup but had purposely planned something on Tuesday night because you thought that might keep him home another night. That you will help him come up with an excuse for OW, but that you needed time for yourself to work things out too.

It's time for you to have a life. And you have been keeping the family together. Time for Mom to regenerate!!!

Remember to Praise, praise, praise. I know you hear us bash the situation here a little, but that's what this forum is for, venting, so you can joyfully be around H.

Is there hope? Always. What are you willing to change to get there?

3,

Not to put any pressure on you, and although in my last post to you I told you you could change your mind, if you really feel you aren't ready.
However, I am an advocate for you going into Plan B. I know you don't want the drama. But it is what it is. You have drama whether you go to plan B or not.

Sometimes you just have to accept that this is the situation. You need to acknowledge that there will be drama. It may not be right, it may not be fair, it may not be how you want things to go, but you need to accept that it is. And with that knowledge make your plans and do what you need to do. Be prepared for what will happen.

Don't yell for the next three weeks. I don't think it was a LB to tell WS that you are going kick-boxing. Not a LB to say you are not going to let ow dictate your life or keep you from living. That's right 3, it is your life and you need to live it. ow may control your WS right now, but not you.

If WS cannot be there for kids, find someone to watch them while you go to your class. Take a taxi or bus if you have to. Find other ways besides WS to live your life. And don't LB on the way. If you don't have any resources for babysitter, time to find some. You are doing good.

Have you read Orchid's replies to MIMI1234? They are great. I have been keeping up on that post and really thinking of you.

Of course everyone's situation is different. I think you need a break from the stress of all of this. Sometimes you need to push WS into ow arms to bring them out of fog.

I believe you are going to have DRAMA whether or not you go to plan B. WS is all about the drama, and so is ow. Let her find out the truth. Don't call her 3, it's got nothing to do with you. You are right to take a stand by not letting her control any part of your life.

WS knows your deadline. He's had plenty of time to deal with his situation. You have a time limit that you have set as to how much of this you can take. Just prepare yourself, cause you know what's coming. You are setting limits and boundaries. This is good.

So ow is threatening to go to ws job and cause trouble. Maybe he needs to circumvent that by talking to the boss about all of this. Maybe he can't. Is that why he is looking for another job?
What kind of LB do you think that will be for him? That he will have to change jobs, etc because of ow? You just stay out of it, don't call his work unless very important, and be nice, nice nice the next 3 weeks.

Do your best to show WS how it should be in a marriage. You have 3 weeks. Do your best.

You have been doing great since the big blow up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FYI, I went into plan B after 2 1/2 months, it was the hardest thing I ever did, and I was really scared, but it worked. Not how I wanted it to, not when I wanted it to, but it did work.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

THSNKS ALL ,theses responses are helping me alot , always knowing someone is listening . I can't explain it , thanks .

Ok I told you I am not altering the PALN B decision , for JUNE . I heard you MM .
I know all on board is PEO PLAN B . AND I know it is my choice .

I am going to still see the next couple of days how I handle myself . I ahve been reading that post MM and I see the points where you see this situation .

I do have to say on your insight about the DRAMA either way .
YES there is DRAMA but the one I am haveing is here and I can take action to make it lesson .

THE one there will be if he doesn't leave willingly will be the one I can't handle .

HEY what can I say I am being honest , I know my WS , the GET OUT JUNE 1 will not go smooth for me in anyway . Unless he wants to .

UNLESS HE totally belives I will call OW .

I am so much more calmer yesterday and today , I seem to be able to talk better to him . Even if and when he mentions OW . WITCH just in 2 days I realized he talked first about her , I did nothing but listen and only said, very little if asked . STRAIGHT and to the point with no feeling either way .

I think for me , I need to play a head game on myself .

I need to forget the H part and go on removing myself and be a freind .

Just a listening freind , make any sense . ??

I love some of the things ORCHID says that she said, to her H back then .

REALLY makes me laugh .

I do love him and I am sure you all know that by now , I am so sorry If any here feel there advice is falling on deaf ears IT IS NOT , I can asure you of that .

SHMI, THANKS for keeping up , and for the support to continue .

MM I have a question ? well for anyone who cares to input ?

ANY chance of PLAN B in the HOME ? I know I saw a thread on it long tome ago but don't rember all .

AND about pushing him into OW arms , can I do it with him home ? I mean LIVING life but right infront of him .

SEE I have more parties coming up , I am going with kids he doesn't sem to be to impressed with these parties as they may cause a timing problem for OW 's calls ect.

SO I told him i am going and its with or without him . THERE will be freinds there , that knew what happened the first time and he would not show up to things .

SO I am thinking If I don't push for him to go , just be like no problem I'll tell all you said, HI . HE may start to think , what are people saying and on his own , be choosing to come .

AND if he don't then he may feel the bitterness to her that he is taking a chance of people knowing or even assuming?

AM I confusing anyone ?

I am , and will sit back for awhile and I don't mean a day this time LOL .

I am going to remove them from my life , even if it means me not spending time with him .

AND does anyone know anyone here whos WS snapped out of fog and went N/C after being a cakeater and living at home . ?

WITH OUT PLAN B ?

Don't get crazy on me just asking ? HAVE faith in me . I am so far sticking to JUNE .

I need to see where these 3 weeks takes me , I feel if it gets heated up again (closer to june ) I will be angry enough to do it , I hope you all don't think Its going to be leaving him with a good impression . NO WAY I told ya if I have to ask him to leave and things get dirty It won't be a good thing of our last encounter .

AND he won't be coming back , ONCE he is gone this time theres no coming back so in away its not PLAN B its PLAN O (OVER) LOL

IF he leaves HE will this time bring children around her , and thats the thing I will never except once my kids go lock stock and barrel around OW on a perment bases I will and never can turn this around I won't do that ever .

HE knows it and I know it . I think it is wrong to leave bring kids into that change and then cahnge it again ,NO WAY NOT FOR ME !!!

JUST like I will never file for D , only protect myself , but never file .

I will also never be the one to leave my house .

I explained the house thing long ago .(has to do with parents mine )

so in this hole mess those are the only things I know for shore . THEY are not changing , never will .

From what I understand about Plan B, it's as much for you as it is for the WS.
This will give you a chance to not be faced with the situation every day, not be reminded, not be expecting calls, visits, etc. It begins N/C with the WS and gives their R a chance to meet it's timely end. Once he has her and her alone, he won't stay.

Can you do it in the house...sure, but is that what's best for you...or him? Have you thought of getting legal separation papers drawn up. You can have it agreed upon June 1st. He will probably make all kinds of promises. You both can agree on terms of separation, have papers drawn up and signed and then wait to have them filed. You can make a list of ...if there is contact with OW, if you call or visit her, etc. then I will file these papers and we will be legally separated and you will need to move out (if that is a term of the separation). This will protect you, and make things more permanent in his mind, yet not a D.

Have you thought of starting another thread? Give a short synopsis of your story. I'm thinking some more voices in here would help but this thread has gotten so long not many people have the time to read through all the posts...
I know how much you appreciate knowing we're here. There are more people out there.

SHMI,I was getting ready to post to a comment you made earlier , about WS doing everything BACKWARD .

I was thinking about that for a long time now , but I thought if i say it out loud it would sound as if I was looking , searching for something good in him .

Something that would make sense out of this situation .

And I thought of new thread , but there is to much back round involved .

IT is possiable that I will start one JUNE 1 .LOL

OR maybe 10day count down !

this is the theard thread I had since I started MB , I am not that popular LOL

NO only kidding alot of people do not like to post to people who have the A ongoing .

And won't move to PLAN B after a certain time .

EVERYONES time and reason for PLAN B seem to be different .

I do know it should be to preserve what love is left and to give WS a reality check to what they can loose .

SEPERATION PAPERS no thanks , see WS is the type I descibed where if you push he pushs back to piss you off( he really is the cut your nose off to spight your face guy ) very imature .
ACT first , regret later .

I know I will get everything , if I go for papers he will take it as an attack and will put in writing what he knows I could get .

AND in the beging I will get more if nothing is in writing (if he leaves )

OH well got to jet , WS is with bimbo , and I made the only 2 calls I could to get a sitter to go KB , but all failed . NO big deal I will be with kids and then tybo work out instead at home .

SON needs me anyway to study with him , so it is better that I didn't get a sitter . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Its ok , I am calm really I am .

I made an appt. with my cardioligist 2 weeks , Ihate doctors LOL

I have had some light headed and small black outs and got to go again to wear that stupid monitor over night . no big deal .

I went 21/2 yrs ago , I was stressed LOL ya think anything changed .

I am sure he will do alot of yelling , I never really laid off the coffee (2pots) and 2pack a day smoker .

I know I know not good for ya , but hey I like it .

AND YES MM I AM GOING TO TELL HIM AND ASK ABOUT MED'S , now you happy with me women LOL !

AND LUVBIRD , WHERE ARE YOU , your not aloud to come on get your "RICHARD" comment in about WS and not come back LOL DIDN'T think I missed that oops I called him a D!CK on sun. thing and not LOL

YOU guys are growing on me , am I nerving you YET ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WOW I am in a weird and good mood .
SEE ya tonight !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3,

Yeah, you've "nerved" me a little bit now and again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Not at this particular time tho. Mostly triggers and anger at your WS, which I have tried really hard not to respond to. I'm not into name calling. Cause the bible says not to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Doesn't mean I don't feel like it sometimes! LOLLOLLOL!!

I guess I never read back far enough on your posts to know what the situation is with your house. That was in the JFO forum, right? Would you be so kind as to refresh my memory so I know you are going to be somewhere if it comes down to it?

Why do you say it will have to be ugly when and if plan B comes? That is YOUR choice 3. Ugly or not, that is up to YOU. Remove yourself to the point where it is WS drama and 3 doesn't respond.

How about "How to Plan B when WS Won't Leave?"
You could start a post asking if anyone has been in plan B with WS in house. That might help. I don't have much of a clue on that one.

You are doing well considering WS blows all kinds of FOG FOG FOG your way. Just stay out of the way of the FOG and don't let it get to you.

And I have a few scriptures on WS feeling bad about ow and that GOD (excuse me don't you mean SATAN) wants him to make it right for her before it is over. EXCUSE ME. You are posting to a girl that KNOWS the Word. If you could show him what God says about that, not 3, what do you think he might feel about that. That is for later, of course.

Looks like everyone is figuring out on their own what is going on with WS. This is good. 3 doesn't have to say a word. You go to those parties and answer no questions, tell no lies, refer all to WS and tell all he said hi! Although he is too embarassed to see them, because he is being controlled by ow. 3 is living her life. She is at party, seeing friends and getting a little break from DRAMA. This is good 3, let WS be in control of his drama, or let ow be in control of WS drama, and 3, well, 3 is in control of 3 and living her life.

Dig me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 12:45 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

WELL try tyo make it short LOL(never happen )

THE house is not about I get all (but I will)

MY dad died JULY 4th 1995 , he only owned a home , he worked all his life 4 chilren and the only thing other than US wonderful kids , material wise was his house , withch was left to MOM , .

Family meeting , all siblings and spouses decided that me and my WS should help mom and sell house take the proceeds and buy a house in witch MOM lives with us and we in turn care for her .

While H was going through his supposed DEPRESSION (ie: AFFAIR never admitted it )
HE was building apt. for MOM .

WELL on MOTHERS DAY 2000 she died, the house is OURS , I never had so much guilt about it in my life and so much anger to my H that she never got to enjoy what she was changing her life for .

AFTER going through greiving her death or should I say while going through it ALONE WS turned away
THAT is when the A stared to truely take place THEY were "FRIENDS " but I never knew .

SEE this house is an emotional position , IT is a simble of everything my PARENTS worked for , it represents eveything my family had faith in me to take care of , IT is a chance I was given to have a start in life I would of never had . ( I had no money and preobbly never would have owned a home .

I will not walk out of this house , I mean in time if I had to sell cause of D or something to that nature I would if I had to . BUT to PLAN B by me leaving NEVER NEVER !!!!!!!!!

WOW sometimes it still feels good to say all those things out loud to someone , I offten keep them in . I tried to leave those issues behind , I was greving and started the tracking of A at the same time it was not at all a place I want to go back to it went on for a year and my son was affected alot to , that is how me and him are so close . ALthough he was young it was amzing the feelings he had .

YES a preisthelped me with him and I did the rest .

AT age 8 he is one of the most open little boys you can ever meet . I belive in it strongly and is how I raise S & D open honest and never affraid to express there fears to cry or ask a question .

OK I am going alittle off here , see YOU get me to open girl LOL ITs nice to talk to some one . thanks

Do you have a plan of how the Plan B will be?

And please don't ever think I begrudge you for having faith and hope in your M. That's why you're here, right? There is always hope. I've read stories on here of people who have turned things around after a year (can you wait that long?) or shorter. It took a good Plan B. No contact with the WS. Any contact was through a mutual friend. It took the BS going out and having a life, being seen with other men (friends, friend's relatives).

Health...I don't think you want to hear what I have to say, but I'll say it anyway...the coffee and cigs are a crutch (and you're probably finding you're using more). In times of stress they can be a stress reliever, but often cause more stress. I wouldn't recommend quitting cold turkey, way too much stress on your mind and body, but make a plan to cut down and quit. The anti-d's will help.

Keep up the good work with your WH. You wrote a list of good things he's doing...send that to him, let him know you appreciate him.

Read, read, read, there are some great books out there.

You are VERY strong. Start more topics. Honestly, there are more people out there to help, but when a post has too many replys it's hard to read them all. You are worth it!

3,

Just wanted to let you know that my father died exactly 2 months before your father, May 4, 1995. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'm tellin' you, the Lord has sent me into your life, you need to accept that! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't be mad at WS for mother dying and not being able to enjoy new apartment meant for her. It was her time to go. She is okay. With your dad. It was just the timing and what was going on that you are still angry about. Not your WS fault that she died and couldn't enjoy. It was meant to be.

My mom is still alive. Has Lupus and 2 strokes behind her right now. She is okay. Decided to be with my brother. Well, he died at 45 years old, of cancer and now she is alone, not near me, and I would have taken her to live with me. But my mom is not my mom anymore, strokes, etc. means she is just not the same. Still love her tho! So she is all I have. No other siblings. I get to see her once a year, she lives 2 states away, and I save all my change from my tips so my H and I can go to see her for about 5 days a year. What can I say, my H is a musician, I am a waitress/wanna be a musician again. Can you say POOR? It's okay, we are happy and hurtin' financially! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You don't have to leave the house. But plan B is not supposed to be plan OVER. It is supposed to be for saving whatever feeling you have left for WS. Never say never. Just set some BOUNDARIES.

Praying for you 3, keep me posted on all that is going on. Glad to see your new post.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

FORGET about new post , thats why I don't start them , something about me I guess . LOL

MM , I know all those things about the my moms death, NOW . JUST not then and it hurt my WS for me to forget he had feelings to . Considering I am the only one who REALLY knows HIM (LOL)

IT took along time , I had n=very close friends go through that and the suspicion on the A with me all at the same time . BUT I got to say no one could quit relate to either situation and I got trashed alot .

ONE of the friends thouhgh was very different she never judged nor did she put WS down never accussed him until I had the proff .

AND never told me to through him out , UNTIL .

ONE night he had pulled a big stunt , you know the lies well one to many ,

ANY WAY I was on the phone with her , and I was histerical (always was , but it was different )
FOR THE first time she said, when he comes home you tell him its this M or your out of here , and you tell him it starts now you will sleep with me starting tonight .

WELL I did and he walked out .

MY point , I don't mind anyone judging me , or saying things THEY think is the way to do something , I am not a person who gets upset by OPINION , I just expect the same in return .

I wanted to save my M thats all it is , most of the issues that may have brought the M to the point is was pre-a have been talked about most worked on .

ARE they all fixed , no, main reson is OW is still around , some of the problems pre-a is our anger both have tempers . well OW being in is one of the issues . of that anger .

HAS he gotten better well about 85% on control and more communication .

HE shuts down yes, the longer this goes on , he don't want to explain himself anymore .

I have some good to post .