Orchid – My heart aches for you. I am one of your pray warriors that you help probably now over a year ago when my emotions were exploding. I am better & stronger now, but your words to me help so much. Something about an iron, boy does that seem long ago. My 1st court date is this coming Thurs., it was postponed last month. It seems kinda weird, but in just this last month I am more focused on whom my love should be totally about. Now when my emotions seem to being going else were, I just focus my thoughts on god by repeating “Focus on God” over & over. It does help.

I received this e-mail from a friend a couple of days ago, thought you could use it to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?"
"Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"

God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.

He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose YOUR heart.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The cake is waiting for you to enjoy.

Hey, Have you ever heard about the Butterfinger chocolate cake &#8211; pure heaven & it is wonderful.
(((((((((((((Orchid)))))))))))) &#8211; your heart has given all of us so much, & I know whom to put my trust in.

L,

Wanted to let you know that SoDuped sends you this...

(((((((((((Orchid))))))))))

Hugs and Love!
K

{{{{{{{{Hugs to you Orchid}}}}}}}} & {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} to son. Also, here is a hug to your husband {{hugs}}.

Keep your head up high. Just to let you know, SNL and I went to my lawyers today, to go for settlement. Did not go well, today was quite hurtful, and I saw the husband that I didn't marry. Was a difficult afternoon, cried a lot at the office, husband doesn't even know why I cried, he even stated it there, so that was sad to hear. Lawyer stated that we both are having a hard time separating from each other. Yes, we are, cause I love SNL, and I that SNL loves me. That is what the crux of the problem is. We both love each other. My lawyer said, the same. This is hurting both of us.

Orchid, you have done this before, now you are stronger. The pain is going to be there, and that is going to be hard to accept. The WS doesn't see the pain they are causing, they just see the infactuation, fantasy, etc. They are in lala land, and nothing else matter. Cause it is a selfish act. Only those who have been wayward spouses know it is a selfish act deep inside. They talk selfish, act selfish, and hurt their family and friends selfishly.

Keep your little chin up, on your little body. Even with this miniature body of yours, your heart is big and strong. All of us are here for you Orchid. I am sure SNL is here for you too. Keep that heart pumping strong, and we all are here for you. Will pray for you tonight, and every night. Goodnight, dear loved one, good night.

Hi,

Wanted to let you all know that I have read your responses. Thanks for your support. I think the WS may be reading here. He called to mention that he was going to get help. He did not clarify with whom so I am skeptical. He said I had support here @ MB and he had none. It was the 2nd time he said that in the last 3 days.

I will respond later.

Thanks again. You have all touched my heart.

L.

Hey Girl:

I haven't been here in over a month and this is why. This hurts. I hurt for you. For all of us and anyone who has ever felt this pain. I pray for you. For us all. God, this world just needs some help!!!! Thank you for all the love and support you gave me and as I can see, so many others. You are wonderful, exquisite, the stuff, and you take care of yourself and that child of yours. Luv ya. wu

Isn't it great to know you have people here that care and love you? Your husband is maybe starting to realize that he needs some counseling. Good for him. Keeping you and your son and husband in my prayers. Prayers are for you and your family.

Hi Orchid, I was shocked to read this, but unfortunately not surprised. I see why the road to recovering a marriage from A is not the easy one.

I felt so disappointed and sad, and hurt too. I know you are strong and everyone loves you because you love and care for them.

What else can I say Orchid?

Liz

Orchid, have you reported her to E-Bay? If not, why not?
Get her kicked off Ebay too.
God bless, LouLou

Will pray for you at church tomorrow, Orchid. Good advice from Lou about getting her reported on ebay. Goodnight.

Dear Orchid,

I hope you are OK. I saw a ray of light at the end of the tunnel when you said that your H had called you to tell you he wants to get some help. And that he recognizes that you have support here at MB, but feels that he has none.

I do think that my H and I still have a chance to heal our marriage, but that is only because last March, almost a year ago, I asked my H to leave, since he had not ended his R with OW2. It was only then that he got himself into individual counselling.

It has taken almost a year and much pain, with fights, sleeping apart, stopping counselling and starting again, hurting the children and finally reaching the point where we both acknowledged that we have NO future together unless we embark on joint counselling. We had our first session last week and are committed to six sessions - the jury is still out, but at least he stayed in the room for the full time period and did not explode. (He exploded after we got out).

My point is that while some WS are simply people who take advantage of the BS, thoughtlessly and shamelessly, and the BS would be better off without them in any case, there are some WS who are good people, with heavy problems of their own. I love my H, as I am sure you love yours, otherwise you wouldn't be trying so hard to save your M.

But your H has to get help for himself, and want to try to understand himself and why he is hurting you and his family by letting himself be controlled by this crazy OW. There is a REASON deep inside your H WHY he has got himself hooked up with this type of OW - the controlling type who will not let go. This is at the heart of the matter. I feel for your H - he needs to take the power over his life back into his own hands and start to take charge of himself again, instead of letting himself be pulled between the two of you. You go on sticking up for yourself and setting your boundaries. And when he decides that he is in charge of his own life, then he will be able to put his foot down and not let the OW control him, because that is what is happening right now - he is letting her control him. That way he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself.

I will pray that he gets the help he needs - getting counselling for himself can only help him, not hurt the situation.

LIR

Oh Orchid, I'm so sad for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> At the same time I'm glad you found out.

Your husband isn't whining because he doesn't have SUPPORT here...he hasn't even given MB a chance to offer real support...what he means is he doesn't have SYMPATHY here. Boo hoo.

Mr Orchid, I walked in the shoes your walking in. I would GLADLY SUPPORT you in a good decision. I would NEVER sypathise with your end of things, and I would NEVER give you the ol "you gotta do what's right for you" bullcrud. Because I HAVE BEEN on that path your on and sympathy doesn't do any WS any good.

Every night when I go to bed I reach across and touch my husband. I touch his arm or run my hand along his back. Sometimes I just watch him sleep for a while. Sometimes our son is crammed in between us. Times we all are squished together on the couch. Chasing each other all around the house. Spitting water on each other in the bathtub. We always tell each other how much we love each of us. Recently our son (he's 4.5) has decided he's going to marry us, after all...we shouldn't get to keep that to ourselves! We are one big happy, committed and completely in love, married family.

A couple of years ago I couldn't have even imagined this. I've never felt so safe and loved in my life. I've never felt security like this. And all it took was a decision, essentially. I decided to remain with my husband, and I decided that this time it was going to be forever. Now the pressure of "would I, should I, could I?" is off. Because this is my choice. It happens to feel like the best choice I've ever made.

When I was in your shoes I felt sick most of the time...there were a few moments of feigned freedom...but "freedom" also comes with great fear of what might or might not come to be. I'll take security any day.

Quit being a coward...quit being selfish...and make a decision to do something about your life. One way or another. You are an adult with a wife and child...you have other peoples lives that are affected by your choices. So grow up and do something about all of this. Quit running and hiding and whining about the support you don't get. You made your choices and you decide what choices you make tomorrow. I hope for all of your sakes they're the right ones.

Take care.

Dear Orchid,
I've been around MB for 2 years now, and I've kept track of your story, watched your struggles and your triumphs, seen your strength and generosity. Now I'm going out on a very fragile limb! I know I often sound harsh. I don't mean to. I am truly upset about your situation because it is so like my own first marriage, to an abusive alcoholic, so much of what I'm saying is what I'm saying now to that young me.

I don't think your WH is weak, or in a fog. What I see emerging from your posts is the pattern of the USER. I see a man who is playing his BW and his OW off against each other to ensure that he gets exactly what he wants all the time, and never has to give anything real in return. He gives OW sex, unprotected at that so she can keep crying pregnant, he gives you half-hearted promises, just enough to keep you hoping. When you start asking him for any investment in the marriage, he not only stirs up OW but makes really damn sure you find out about it! Why? This will toss Orchid back into Plan A mode.... and Orchid supports him financially. Life wouldn't be nearly so good without Orchid's house and money, and Orchid always there to pull him out of whatever trouble he's gotten himself into. Orchid pays his truck, Orchid takes him in and nurses him when he's ill. Should Orchid toss him out, he scorches over to OW and LETS YOU KNOW.... This, to me, looks like manipulation and emotional abuse and battery. Not to mention the irreparable damage this is doing to your child.

Dr Laura said if you justify staying in a relationship because "it's for your children", say out loud, "It is better for my son to have a man in the house who abuses his mother and constantly puts her health and life at risk than for him to grow up without his father." Ask yourself, "Is this man truly a FATHER or is he just a sperm donor?"

Orchid, I don't see him saying he should get support as being a hopeful sign. He's in victim mode! Poor WH, he's getting picked on at MB..... nobody loves him, boohoo. If he wanted HELP, that would be different. If he acknowledged he's doing a lot of damage, and actually committed himself to a course of therapy, and went through with it, that might, just might, be a sign of hope. But you see, I don't think he sees any of this as wrecking his life. Behaving in this way gets him everything he wants, he doesn't have to take any responsibility, he doesn't have to put his money where his mouth is.... why should he have any desire at all to change?

I see a previous poster begged your WH to please make up his mind and give you a chance to get on with your life. Excuse me, why does he have the power of veto here???? Orchid, you have the right and the power to decide about your life. Have you truly, consciously, of your own free will, decided and chosen to stay in this relationship, or are you waiting for your WH to make up your mind for you? If so, why????

Harley says an A can only survive in the same way a three-legged stool does. The A needs the three "legs" of WS, OP and BS. Take one of those out and the whole thing collapses, right?

If any of this helps you, great. If not, discard it all! No problem.

I wish you well, Orchid.

BTW, I stayed in my first marriage for 17 years because "I have to for the sake of the children." My son is serving a 24 year sentence for armed robbery with aggravating circumstances. He will be 21 in 2 months. It is true that my son chose his own way, but I cannot deny that growing up in that dysfunctional household warped him. My IC told me that research has shown over and over that it is better for the children to be with ONE parent than in the middle of the sickness, where both parents actually make each other worse. My daughter is chronically depressed. She told me how she and her brother used to actually pray that I would leave their father..... My son told me that he treated his girlfriend the way he saw his father treat me, and indeed my son himself carried on his father's behaviour towards me.

((((Orchid))))

So sorry to hear this, but so proud of your response. Stay strong - not only are you protecting yourself, but you are really doing the absolute most loving thing for your husband, by allowing the consequences to happen to him.

Good for you sweetie.

(((((((((Orchid))))))))
Damn it anyway - you don't deserve this. You are amazing and strong and such a support for others here at MB - I send you all I can in positive energy and prayer.

Hi - just wanted to say that I'm sorry if my post to Orchid and her WH was off-base - I don't want to encourage her to do anything that would enable her staying in a truly abusive relationship. I simply meant that if her H showed REAL signs of seeking help, that could only be a good thing.

You guys have been around longer and know her story better - and perhaps you are right about her WS. When I said that "I feel for him" I did not mean that I pity him, or feel sorry for him - I meant that he is a human being - and as such, deserves to be loved as much as any other human being. But I do believe that as an adult, he has to earn his place at the table and right now, he is not living up to that responsibility. He is obviously screwing up his life big-time and hurting people who for some reason, still want to be in a R with him. I did not mean there was any justification for his behaviour. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
I wasn't saying that Orchid should tolerate his behaviour. But I do believe that he can turn his life around - however, he is the only one who can do that - she can't do it for him. I would still like to encourage him to get counselling for himself.

LIR

Dear Orchid,

I'm praying for you and hoping your H proves himself and his worthiness. Hope he's doing that as I write.

You don't deserve to have to go down any more rocky roads. I often wonder what goes on in the crazy minds of WS's.

Your strength and your stand for your marriage have been and remain to be inspirational. You have often given me and so many others the courage to face the day.

In the end, your H may not either be or feel "deserving" of you and your family. Can I give him a virtula jolt or two??

Thinking of you