Conan:

I'll be cautious. But it's precisely because I can accept what little she's able to be "honest about" at this point that I've been able to recognize the progress.

At this rate, I'll be one hundred and eleventy seven years old by the time she can call me "husband" again, but it's still progress, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

-Qfwfq

Remember that thing I said about coming over to break your leg... you are really tempting me!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Did you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I realize I just said above that she's given me little honesty. Heck, that's not true. She's been honest, to the extent she even UNDERSTANDS what she feels, all along. She's been secretive about DETAILS of the email convo between her and RM all along, too. She's been forthcoming about the convos since last November, to the extent that she's told me when he asked her to come live with him after he caught his W with her OM at their home when she asked him to COME home. There are other things too.

But even the earlier stuff, with only a FEW exceptions (like details about their sexual emails), I've been able to verify independently when I snooped. And so I haven't felt like I've had to in a very long time.

I believe that, if my W decides she doesn't want to be M'd to me, she'll tell me. I also know that I could decide that I don't want to be M'd to her, at which point I would be ready to DV. I'm working toward that possibility even now, though it's certainly not my "goal." My goal is a better me. I won't be hurt by whatever she decides to do from now on. I won't stay in a "loveless M" if that's what it looks like I'm up against. For now, all evidence points to a better future with her as being quite likely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

-Qfwfq

Alright that sounds good!!

By the way, my broken leg comment was on your thread. It was just to make a point.

This last post of yours sounds much more convincing then what I had read from you. I just don't want to see you get beaten down brother. I have been there and it was very sad and took a good friends/family to give me a kick in the pants.

Okay, Conan. But enough about me! This is YOUR thread. Tell us more about how you're doing. I couldn't even tell: Is your W home? Or are you separated?

-Qfwfq

Damn right... you hyjacked my thread!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Still in same house. Kids know nothing. We are in mediation and talking $$ (real fun). WW driving me nuts!! She is back to acting pretty hostile since she says now there is no point to be acting all nice to each other (she just can't handle separating her emotions like that).

Good times brother!

Conan:

Now we're going to get somewhere... How can we help you?

"Still in same house."

Hm... after all that's happened? Why would she have stated? Why would you have stayed?

"Kids know nothing. We are in mediation and talking $$ (real fun)."

It's hard to imagine this, but you're certainly not the first or last in this kind of situation.

"WW driving me nuts!! She is back to acting pretty hostile since she says now there is no point to be acting all nice to each other (she just can't handle separating her emotions like that)."

Hm... And how do YOU act? She's fogged, so we can't expect rational behavior from her. You need to be the rational, caring one for now. How does all THIS affect the kids? And can she see it? Does she care? Do YOU care? I'm not sure I understand what you mean about separating her emotions. ?

"Good times brother!"

Not hardly, it sounds! We need MORE information. Do you want to fix this? How do you interact with your W? When she's nice to you? When she's not nice to you?

Take care,
-Qfwfq

2long,

Thanks for the reply. I am really not looking to fix this right now. She is acting very much like she wants to "try again" but my thread started by discussing how I think this is the "same old story". She promises that she is reformed and will "do anything", but the reality is far different. I feel like she is just between boyfriends right now so is focused on us for the moment.

Anyway, I am acting quite nice, but not trying to meet her needs or anything like that. She mostly is mad at me right now because I show no emotion about our breakup. She says it seems to just be another business deal to me. Well, that is the attitude I have. I am all business regarding us and all the negative stuff that is going on. I don't overreact, but respond in calm measured fashion. This drives her crazy and pushes her to call me not a human being and uncaring about the future of our children. I assure her I do care and this does sadden me deeply, but this is the road we are on. I tell her that I WISH things were different, but I am dealing with REALITY now.

The separation of emotions has to do with the fact that I am "all cold business" with her and the divorce, but I can still act kind to her like a friend and have a wonderful time playing with my kids and encourage us to still do things together with the kids. She cannot "separate her emotions" in that since she sees we are not going to be together she cannot act friendly with me and enjoy doing things as a family. She says it just makes her say, "See, we can be OK together and should try again." Not my feelings at all. I have made it clear that I am convinced that she holds me in such contempt and has so little respect for me that there is no marriage for us. I look forward to being friends and raising our kids in that manner. That is it in a nutshell.

I was the "I'll do anything" guy for years and now I am done. She seems to be shocked and mad about the fact I am now done. After three D-days (#'s 2, 3 and 4 overall) in 2002 realating to the same OM from the original D-day 4 years ago and D-day # 5 relating to a new guy this fall (which she admits was PA) I think I have heard all the talk from her I can stand. Did I mention D-day #4 involved the police because she was harrassing OM's W? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

At this point I think she is coming to grips with the idea we are going to have to move out of our new million dollar house and her Mercedes has to go. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This is what I hear.... "I will do anything to keep all the great stuff you worked for, have you go back to doing everything in the world to win me back and fulfill my needs, continue to refuse all sex with you for months at a time and eventually find another guy to fawn over me and give me the sick thrill of having a secret life/lover." Hmmm.... I DON'T THINK SO!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thoughts?

<small>[ March 07, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Conan ]</small>

Thoughts?

Well, I think it's over if you do. And it sounds like you do. So... ...why are you still in the same house?

When does the DV go through? Do you have plans after that? Why sell the house? Why not stay in it and ask her to move out?

Gotta run,
-Qfwfq