I'm extremely on edge today and all I keep thinking about is calling the OM! I keep thinking how good I've been not calling him, but then I realize it's only been a week and a half but feels like an eternity...time definately seems to be at a standstill.<P>I realize that what I'm going through is not nearly as hard as what most of you have been through, but I still cannot help but feeling hurt. I think I'm starting to get over the OM little by little, and my feelings for him are subsiding (at least I'm trying to convince myself of that). But, I'm still left over with these feelings of emptiness and total sadness of how I've been hurt.<P>Things with my H are getting better, I've purchased almost everyone of Harley's books and I'm really making an effort to get back the feelings I had for my H. At this point I want to give up any feelings I ever had for the OM...I just want to be happy.<P>So, even when things seem to be getting better how do you get over the total emptiness...?

try to think of all the work you have done so far, and that contacting him will set you back, that it may hurt you further. And that the longer you can go without contacting him, the greater the chance of the feelings coming back for your H. Time will help. Be strong.

Hi Holly...<P>Hey! Remember that post I had at the beginning of the week? "Posting here instead of writing her"... Man, was that only Monday? Seems like years ago! <P>I know what you feel!!! Oh god, how I know. And really, nothing I say or anyone else says is going to minimize your longing! I was able to hold off for only a day after my post.<P>Okay, I'll try anyway... Your OM is currently trying to make his marriage work right? How will contacting him help him? It surely won't! Think about that. Don't call him for his own good, if not yours. That's actually what you told me! But it's such good advice. Your one post helped me the most that day.<P>--airheart<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 20, 1999).]

Keep focused on your future. What is the situation you want a year from now? A fulfilling relationship with your H? <P>I know how hard it is to keep from calling the OM, but you are imagining that if you call him you will regain some of the emotion you had earlier in your time with him. This won't be the case because you will feel guilty for the call and disappointed in yourself for calling. Just keep posting here. We'll love you!

Airheart - <P>Part of the reason I'm so scared to call the OM is that I'm afraid he's going to tell me he has gone on with his life and I think that would just hurt too much. I know this happended to you earlier in the week...do you feel like it has helped you move on?

Reason #1<BR>THE PAIN<P>Reason #2<BR>Back to Square 1 with withdrawal<P>Reason #3<BR>The Pain<P>Don't do it! I speak from experience!

Holly,<P>Yes, it did help me to move forward. I realized how futile it was to keep hanging on to my feelings. It DID hurt ALOT!!! It still hurts ALOT! I keep saying to myself "How could she get over me so fast?!?"<P>But I understand now how useless and unhealthy it was to keep hanging on, and to also to hang on to the fantasy that she still wanted to be with me. I can now start to focus on whether I can truly be happy with my wife (and believe me, I've got big doubts about that still).<P>It's ironic though. It's helped me to move forward, but it's stopped my wife. She now sees herself as being the second choice and she can't really accept that.<P>Holly - be strong. One day at a time.<P>--airheart

You and me both!!<P>Just when I thought I was getting over the OM, a wave of neediness washes over me and it's everything I can do not to email, call, etc. When I'm at work (he works there too) I come here to vent, read or just stare at the screen. Today is bad because I actually said more than 3 words to him yesterday - and I am trying not to have ANY contact with him. Just seeing him kills me... and yet, I feel so wretched about the whole thing. My H is sick from the pain, I am sick from the pain (you'll know exactly if you read my past posts)... and you know what? The only person NOT sick from the pain is the OM. That kinda irriates me, honestly. Actually, it really ticks me off! I need to remember that!

Holly,<BR>I've been where you are - I've been there nearly 25 times over the past year or so. (Please feel free to read my profile for details). I am going to second what MAYA says. The pain, the set back and the pain! I, like you, am in W/D. It is now week 6 for me and the pain has not gotten any more manageable. I am very confident that I'll not contact OM, but if he contacts me, I am just as vulnerable (and likely to give in to him) as I ever have been. What keeps me from contacting him (and probably what keeps him from contacting me right now) is the well-known (from experience) way that the love all comes flooding back to both of us - BUT it is quickly followed by insufferable pain. Certainly, if you and OM revive the contact, it will abate the pain you currently feel. Nevertheless, you and I both know the pain will violently invade your heart after the euphoria from the contact wears thin. I do, however, want to offer that I know the pain and the struggle in not reconnecting - if only for a moment.<BR>FC<BR>

I don't know how you can continue to work with the OM...that would kill me! Don't give him the best of both worlds...I wouldn't speak to him at all!<p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited August 23, 1999).]

I've honestly thought of quitting my job, but my H and I both decided that it would be stupid to do that. I won't share the whole story, but I was a temp for seven yrs. and finally got the job as a permanent employee, which meant double pay, benefits, etc. So I guess I'm hoping that the OM gets another job. Though I don't think he will... but one never knows. And God can and does work miracles, so... it could happen. I'm praying for it. What makes me maddest about the OM is that he was leading a double life. His sig. other (they never married but live together - 9 yrs.- and THAT should have told me something!) is either the most forgiving woman or an idiot or both. He goes along happily while my family is in the middle of an emotional hurricane! H has lost nearly 40 pounds, we all have continual stomach probs, headaches, etc. Yes, it's been the worst time of my life. And the very scariest part of it all is how sometimes I still want the OM in my life. Where in the hell does that come from?? These are the days I hate myself!

Dear Holly,<BR> I will give you yet another reason not to call the OM no matter how you feel right now about it. Your Husband.<BR> He has been through enough pain and that will only make it worse for him.<BR> After my husbands short affair, he felt lonely for her during withdrawl and they contacted eachother 3 times during a 2 month period.<BR> Although I thought the affair itself was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life, the fact that after he came home and wanted to make it work and looked me in the face and promised never to talk to her again, and continued to have contact hurt almost as much.<BR> To this day, a year latter, that is the thing that hurts the most.<BR> I found out about the calls from her husband because she wanted to hurt him and he in turn called and told me.<BR> Here I was thinking things were going to be okay, and every time it happened it was a knife twisting in my back.<BR> It made the forgiving and trusting issue very hard, and probably set us back quite a bit.<BR> I understand how hard withdrawl is and believe me there I was being supportive and that is hard enough without being deseved again.

I have some input for you. I am where you are. He said he had to "stuff his feelings" and that he didn't want me to think he had forgotten me, but that he had to act like everything was fine. (He didn't tell his wife) If we ever talk or see each other, he's always "normal" and very polite. It hurts. <P>The few times we've talked I've got off the phone feeling like I could care less if I talk to him again. Seems wierd after feeling like I have no control over those fingers dialing his number...Takes about a week or so to start wanting to talk to him again. He's just so callous ( says he has to be) but it helps me move on I think. My marriage is doing wonderfully, and talk about falling hard for someone! My H is almost perfect!!<P>OM can't compare. EVER. It's hard to think of him working on his marriage, but it has to be that way. We made our choice. I can either hold on and hurt, damaging my chances w/my marriage, or I can let go and see my H for all the wonderful glorious things he is. And he belongs to ME, not someone else!<P>My prayers are with you...take it from someone who gives in to the inklings...just ignore them. Like quitting smoking...cold turkey....you'll just feel like crap if you do anyway, hearing that tone in his voice, wishing he'd tell you he still loves you, but knowing he won't...it will hurt too much. Don't do it to yourself.<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Sad4Now<BR>I had to check this post again because I was just about to pick up the phone!!!<BR>Thanks for your response. Why do I have such an urge to call someone who will make me feel like crap?! What's my problem?!

Holly,<P>One word - a word that Dr. Harley uses to describe an affair:<P>ADDICTION<P>It's true - an affair is an addiction. The "rush" you get from the secrecy, the passion - that literally releases chemicals into your body which make you feel "high" - just like a drug.<P>And when you separate yourself from the source of these feelings, you fall emotionally flat ... you crave that rush, that high you felt when you were with the OM... That addiction can be as powerful as nicotine, alcohol or other commonly abused substances - separation from it produces marked withdrawal in some people, not in others.<P>Think of your longing to hear his voice as a craving for a cigarette or a drink. You know that using either of those too much is unhealthy for you - same thing with the OM/affair...<P>If you are really having trouble and have not considered it previously, perhaps you should talk with your own doctor about an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. There is nothing wrong with using a crutch to help a broken relationship heal...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Holly,<P>You're hooked. All the talk in the world won't stop you. Please get this book and read it. It is ONLY about women having affairs and what happens. It is written by a woman for women betrayers. Please get it and read it while you continue to ride this roller coaster. It will help you.<P>"The Passions, Perils and Agonies of Female Infidelity" (1994) by Carol Botwin.<P>Maya, have you gotten this book yet? It sounds like you are making good progress anyway.<BR>

Thanks Cuckold--<P>Looks like it would be a good idea to buy that book since I did break down and call the OM. I've been surviving the past couple of weeks without speaking to him, but I have been feeling a little down. I have to say I feel much better since I have spoken to him, but know that I will be feeling down again soon...I'm already starting to feel down just writing this. <P>I know it's hard to believe, but I have been trying to work it out with my H. We've been having some good conversations about relationships lately, but sometimes I just miss the OM so much it hurts. I keep comparing the "feelings" I had with the OM to the "non-feelings" I have with my H. I think my biggest problem is that I miss having an "in-love" feeling! Sure my H and I can get along and basically love each other, but I can't imagine us ever having that "in-love" feeling again.

Holly,<P>You called him? <Sigh> Do you wonder why it had to be you who called him rather than vice versa? Why is it that he is so strong and can resist his powerful love for you, but you can't resist your powerful love for him? Doesn't that make you wonder?<P>He was going on with his life, no matter what he tells you. If he weren't HE'D have called you. Doesn't that bother you at all?<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

New Woman,<P>Yes, it bothers me that he doesn't call. I know he is trying to go on with his life...however I know he still cares about me and that's what keeps me calling. It's so hard to stop when he says nice things. One thing he did say that upset me was that he could live without me he just needs a fix from me every once in a while.<P>I did tell him about this website a few weeks back telling him how helpful this forum has been and I just found out today that he found out my User Name and has been reading my posts.<P>That made me very uncomfortable...he said he was mad at some of the things I wrote and that I'm being too honest. I felt very violated that I've been pouring my heart out and he knows all the details and I know nothing about what he's thinking or feeling. <BR>I asked him to stop reading and I believe that he will.

Well, from what you've said about him, I wouldn't believe him. I'd change my user name if I were you. Didn't you say that the two of you ended your affairs so that you could work on your marriages? Well, how is he going about working on his marriage? Especially if he is saying he still needs an occasional "fix" from you! Uggghhh!! It sounds to me like he hasn't changed, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he finds someone else to give him his "fix" in the near or distant future.<P>If he isn't going to really work on his marriage, why did he let you go? Why isn't he trying to get you back? Why isn't he trying to be with you for real?