<small>[ March 10, 2003, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had drawn boundary that ws cannot be Drunk around me or the kids, now I think I have to say he cannot drink at all aorund us </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You drew the boundary, so it is time to show him you meant business!

If you let him cross the line, he will know that he can do it. Be firm! Do this for your kids sake.

If he does not want to go to counseling, say "fine" and YOU go.

Honey,

Were you collecting the kids clothes or were you searching his apartment without his permission?

Honey,

I know my post is going to upset you but someone has to speak up for your children.

Why are you still leaving your children in the care of an alcoholic and drug user? I don’t care if he is the father of your children; he is a danger to them. This is not new, it’s been going on and on for a very long time.

You say that the student is probably a supplier? And you leave your children there?

Please start protecting your children. Maybe drug and alcohol abuse is ok for you. From your continued failure to protect your children it seems that it is. Your children, more than likely, are going to grow up to be like their father… drug and alcohol abusers. Why? Because unless you take steps to show them that the behavior is unacceptable, you are showing them it is all right. In junior high, when their friends are using alcohol and drugs they will be able to justify their own use. After all dad does, and mom thinks it’s ok.

I wish someone would help your children not have to deal with the issues children of alcoholics have to deal with. You think he’s mean to you. What do you think he is like to your children? Was the ski trip really worth it?

Whether or not you wanted the children’s clothes, is not the issue. To go through his house looking for them when he did not give you permission it wrong. It is inappropriate and it escalated the discord that your children witnessed between the two of you. When things get out of hand, it does not matter who said what to whom. It only matters that the two of you cannot get along and it escalated out of control. To end the hostility, all you had to do was leave.

Every time he is under the influence and he is with your children you could call the police. If the police were there they could have assessed if your husband was in a state to take care of the children. It would not be long before he was not allowed unsupervised visitation. When you were at his place and he was getting belligerent, call 911. Would have ended the problem right there.

Honey - you are very stressed today - and I don't blame you - but really did you think leaving them with the kids this time was going to be different - You were trusting him - when maybe you shouldn't yet.. I am going to tell you I think you have the patience of a saint to deal with his crap.. I don't think that you should have rummaged through his house looking for the clothes because it is house - but I can see why you did it... I just read a book that I think would be wonderful you - it is called Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie - Really you will get some great insight - And also I heard through your post that once again you were blaming someone else and not WS - You blamed the druggy sitting on the couch for probably giving WS drugs in exchange for lessons - You cannot blame him - he doesn't matter - It was WS's choice - I am sure that you deserved that time away - as I know we all do at one time - but really imagine what those kids saw in those four days - You know you cannot trust him - so I think you should rethink trying to trust him - he hasn't changed - he is their father and he does deserve to spend time with them but hopefully he will do it when he is sober.... You have every right to be angry and frustrated but is it going to change anything - Isn't it only getting you more upset??? Really try and get that book -

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: maw64 ]</small>

Hi Honey,

I'm so sorry your return was met with such disappointment...

While I don't take the harsh stance the other posters have, they do make a point. His actions were predictable. VERY predictable. Count your blessings that the kids are safe for now. But each time he is left to be a single parent for your children, you roll the dice. Ypour H will crash and burn at some point. It might be today, it might be 40 years from now, but it will happen. It ALWAYS happens to alcoholics who drink.

Perhaps this was the event you needed to take the next step? Perhaps the line in the sand has been drawn in your subconcious and it is just now making its way to your consious. Maybe you should call him on his bluff...file for D?

Only you can answer these things. But, also, only you can protect those kids.

IMHO, I think God wants you to protect those kids first, then take care of Honey second...

I will say a prayer for God to give you courage and wisdom today.

Gib

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

Gibby,

There are two reasons I take such a strong stance on this.

The first is that since July 2000 I have been dealing with the fallout of three children whose alcoholic mother visited hell upon them. On the surface it did not look even as bad as what Jim does. But what was going on behind closed doors is a nightmare. A nightmare that my step-children, me, my husband and even my son have to live with every day for the rest of our lives.

The danger Honey allows her children to be exposed to is not funny.

The second reason is that there is no way Honey should be surprised by her husbands actions. He's been doing it since long before the day she first signed on to MB.

The topic of her protecting her children has been alive and well since day one. I feel for her kids. They, nor any other child, deserves what they are going through.

Perhaps you think mine is a strong stance. I only wish someone had taken one with my step children a long time ago. Now the damage is done. It's a little bit late.

It seem that our society take a light look at alcohol and drug abuse. Unless of course it's after the damage is done. But as long as our society can, it hides it's head in the sand. Only to pull it out AFTER the damage is one.

Honey,

Not sure I know your whole situation, but a great support group you aught to look into is Alanon. If your not attending, you might want to think about it. Might give you some better ways to cope with your husbands behaviers.

God's stength and much patience to you.

Honey,

You should have taken advantage of that situation and called the police. I think that they would have responded to a call about the conditions of the house where your children were, and the condition of the adult that was entrusted with their care. It was the perfect opportunity to have it documented so that future times with him would be limited and supervised. He is truly a danger to his children. And, your children are like sacrificial lambs. (jmho)

One point that I feel the need to make, you should have NEVER gone skiing in the first place and left them with him. Never. Yes, we all need breaks. Yes, we all need fun time. Your situation is different. You are ultimately responsible for their well being since their Father has no desire or sense enough to do it. Your needs are going to have to come after the safety of the children. They have to. I am afraid that you could have possibly came home and found your children in the care of social services. Are you prepared to have that happen? All it would have taken was a phone call from a concerned (some might think nosey) neighbor and the police would have responded and the rest would have been ugly.

When you returned, you would have been asked questions. You have knowledge of his drinking and drugging and you would have had to tell them so. Yet, you still chose to leave them with him. I do not think that they would have looked kindly upon you either.

As Always, JMHO
committed

Honey, this is a running issue with you. Do you remember a few years ago a woman in the process of divorcing her H allowed him to take their daughters out in his car, although she knew he had been drinking? Remember the accident? The children were killed. AND THE MOTHER WAS JAILED FOR CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE.

I feel my anonymous nature here is compromised by some of you referring to my wh's real name, please remove that info from your postings now and in the future if you have the heart.

I appreciate the posts but feel the stir- my look for support has awoken,to be inflammatory. of course I know much what you people have sd and more.....

I appreciate the support, but not the cruel and angry nature of some of the posters.

Have a good day. I will be talking to some people in alanon about this... they are more experienced in this arena...

Thanks Gibby, I know you know...
I only post as I know others are in like situations, and I really felt a need for SUPPORT this am.

As always, I do not come here for flaming, but support. I know we are all from different walks, and I will take what I like and leave the rest.

Thanks, H

[

[

Honey,

~Whew~ I am so glad you were able to save the childrens clothes from such an irresponsible person. I think it's great that you are drawing boundries by not allowing this man to have more than a day or two worth of childrens clothes at a time. Can you imagine what could happen to those clothes should he decide to take them for a ride in his vehicle while intoxicated and/or drugged up? The man simply can't be trusted with them.

It's a good thing that you can replace them, because some things are truely irreplaceable. (hint) (hint) I don't mean the photos of your trip either.

Keep drawing those ever important boundries, Honey...you're doing great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Honey -

sorry...

won't mention names again

post edited...

Gib

Honey - Again I think that you are again taking offense to other peoples opinions because they didn't say what you wanted to hear - I really don't think that anyone meant any harm whether by mentioning your WS name or by saying that they were worried about your children.... You gave us his name - so if I used it I am sorry - I go from not wanting to offending you to maybe saying something that I think will click - but I wonder did you want everyone to say - Oh Honey I am so happy that you went away for the much needed days away ( which I am sure you deserve) but I am so sorry that you had to come home to WS Drunk with a Druggy in the apartment - that just isn't right - he shouldn't have done that ...Do you want everyone to justify your opinion of leaving the kids with him ---?? I just don't get it - I don't think anyone was throwing flames at you...

Honey,
I missed reading your first post.

But you are receiving support.

You are also receiving strong, legal advice.

I can't comment on the situation because I don't know the all details you gave.

But, I do know you can't undo what was done, all you can do now is go on in the best possible way. It sounds like your H made some very bad choices that affected your kids. Make sure it doesn't happen again--however you need to do that.

Lor,

Thanks for your reply.. .sometimes it is all in how it is said... things are said that is. I have approached this subject before here and some just don't get it.

We all make mistakes, easy does it, I like to say.

It is so hard to be in a rough situation and go to a support group, and get more harshness....

Of course I understand what kind of situation I am dealing with - with alcoholism. I have professional counselors working with me and my wh, and will be discussing issues with them shortly.

I do hate that when I post truthfully and from the heart hurtful details of things that have happened to me... I get put downs and snipping comments back. I know some of the harshness was meant with care and I do appreciate that... but some people certainly exaggerate in their postings.

I have legal counsel and certainly don't come here for legal advice. I come here for SUPPORT...

Anyway, sorry that some of you think so poorly of me. I hate to see it, and can't say much more. Keep in mind you do not know the whole story, HOW could you possibly?

The sarcasm and put downs are not what MB is for in my mind.. I doubt Steve Harley would approve of the harsh and unkind nature of some of the posts.

I know some good was meant, unfortunately some of the stinging comments were unkind.

Thanks anyway, H

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

[

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I only post as I know others are in like situations, and I really felt a need for SUPPORT this am.

As always, I do not come here for flaming, but support. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey,

What kind of support would that be? I do not think this forum is a "support" group as much as it is a place to find help and ideas on what to do to better a situation.

You do realize that certain types of "support" can actually be enabling...right?

I think that might be closer to the type of "support" that you are looking for. Is that what Alanon offers? Just support? Or do they kind of give you ideas on what you need to do to have a better life with an alcoholic in it?

I am really confused on exactly what it is you need from the people here.

If you can take a moment to answer, I know that I (for one) would so appreciate it.

committed