marathonman:

Sounds like you have the chores covered okay. Main thing is to take pressure off her, even if it's only in her imagination. It's amazing how much a little kindness can accomplish.

As far as having SF is concerned, definitely hold off until she feels comfortable with you. For now, that might take quite a while. She's got an awful lot on her mind. In my case, it's not been "long" since the last time for us, maybe a couple or 3 weeks, but I'll wait however long my W needs me to. She never left me, but she's gotten uncomfortable with the whole "meaning" of SF lately. At first, I wouldn't have thought I could "survive" without one of my "most important ENs", but I have, and the more I think about it in the scheme of things, the more I realize that it isn't a legitimate need so much as a "want", and for right now my strongest expression of love for her is to show her that I can be patient for her.

I hope each day becomes a little better for you than the previous one.

-Qfwfq

MM,
If you get on the right AD's it will also take the edge of your sexual frustration. Let you doc or therapist know ALL of your sypmtoms and they will set you up with the right "Cocktail" of meds. It really is a blessing in disguise.

went to emerge this morning...got a dose of ads to last 40 days.. after that not sure what my own doc will do...as far as sf.. she has none for me..hell! she does not want me to even touch her..my freinds and co workers are telling me that it is over and I have to get on with life.. thety say.. "she aint coming back" . and that I have got to accept and move on..she is set on ending the marriage with me leaving..end of story..I hope the ads help me have a great weekend with no stress for everyone and me trying to be the best MM possible..I really am beginning t think that this is worthless and before to long I'll throw in the towel and call it quits.. if she is saying that she wants out with fire in her eyes.. and is looking at all assets and how to split them up...sure dont look like fog..or PB..we're talkiong fire here...how can I belive that it is fog..if she says that it is over with her and the OM.. it will just be for now..she is chipper again which can only mean that they are back in each others arms...IM LOSING MY MIND!!!

went to emerge this morning...got a dose of ads to last 40 days.. after that not sure what my own doc will do...as far as sf.. she has none for me..hell! she does not want me to even touch her..my freinds and co workers are telling me that it is over and I have to get on with life.. thety say.. "she aint coming back" . and that I have got to accept and move on..she is set on ending the marriage with me leaving..end of story..I hope the ads help me have a great weekend with no stress for everyone and me trying to be the best MM possible..I really am beginning t think that this is worthless and before to long I'll throw in the towel and call it quits.. if she is saying that she wants out with fire in her eyes.. and is looking at all assets and how to split them up...sure dont look like fog..or PB..we're talkiong fire here...how can I belive that it is fog..if she says that it is over with her and the OM.. it will just be for now..she is chipper again which can only mean that they are back in each others arms...IM LOSING MY MIND!!!

TM94..she is not leaving...she'll wants house have everything.. I'll be the one suffering and I'm the d$%M ww spouse..
Q.. For me its been almost 2 1/2 months...she has got to be getting it somewhere.. but swears that she hasnt.. I cant beleive her...although its been on a stck of bibles..guess they'll lie about it anyway it takes...but I figure it'll be very l9ong time.. there is no possible way she is coming back.. even I was as nice as God himself...I really thinl I'm living with false hope.

MM,
Chill my brother. No sense in worrying about something you can't control. Can you stop her (without breaking ANY law) from seeing OM? NO! Can you get in her little brain and make her stop having feelings for OM? NO! Can you make her love you again? YES! That is what Plan A is about, showing the best side of MM and making her decision that more difficult:) Does that mean she won't leave? No, it doesn't. But, if she does leave which MM do you want her to remember? The winy, sniveling, depressed begging MM, or the strong, supportive and resourceful MM? Sorry to crack your head with a 2X4 buddy, but you have to get a clearer picture of what’s going on. You cannot stop them from being together, and she cannot force you to leave.

My friends STILL continue to tell me to let go, but you know something, they’re not living my life, I am. My wife went through the exact same things, “Don’t touch me, Don’t look at me, Don’t be in the same room with me, etc). That my friend is WITHDRAWL. That is what you want. Be ready for her to become ENRAGED at you for no reason. She is blaming YOU for her breakup with OM. And if she suddenly turns over a new leaf and becomes happy and bubbly just go with it. Be patient my friend, you ARE NOT loosing your mind, no matter how it feels right now. Just look around, all of us have been through this and had the same feelings, and we’re still here.

MarathonMan, stop beleiving what she tells you. Actions speak louder than words and until her words are backed up by actions (i.e. serving you with divorce papers), they amount to nothing but hot air.

Take your anti-d's and concentrate on other things in your life, like your children and your health. Come here for support and guidance.

guys the thing about dont do this and dont do hat.. has been going on for quite a while.. its not new...How can this withdrwal be good shes been there for a long time..all she wants is to be with the OM..and hopes they willl be together. I felt the 2x4...thanks..I'll start taking the ads at supper after the guniesses( beers) settle..Mortarman.. I know that you may be p$##wed at me.. but I'm trying to forget about the OM.. its just hard.. I have to build my confidence and a new MM.. hopefu;;y she will notice.. keep in mind were talking about one stubburn woman..she has been thinking about this for some time.. and once she has made up her mind .. good luck in trying to change it!!

What comes after withdrawl.. is it rage..If I can continue with Plan A..what else should I expect.. We had a little fight last night...and she did blame me for driving the OM away..I really think it is temporary..but she says its over.. she also went on to say hat next night she wanted to go out with some friends but would not say who and that I will come looking for her..I finally got ker to admit it.. and the there is a good chance that the OM will be there..this is so confusing..How do I knows that Plan A IS WORKING..when on one side she says that it over, leaving me an opportunity to be the best I can be,, and on the other hand she is seeing him .. is this normal..WS are so evil..they just dont know how much pain they are throeing around

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: marathonman ]</small>

How do Di take control of all the matters,,, seems like she is running the show.. I cant make her leave..and it seems she thinks that the house and everything will end up hers...and she is very smug about it.. I have to find a way to get her out on her a** so she can get a nice dose of reality.. I wil continue to be the best MM but now if she is set on breaking up the family shes got to go... how do I get her out!!!

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: marathonman ]</small>

MM,
You take control not by actually "taking control" as you would think, but by being sneaky about it. You take control of the situation by first taking control of yourself. That's easier said than done, I know. But, you have to get your emotions under control, you have to stop thinking about the A and OM all of the time. Find something to occupy your time and mind. Spend time with your children, no matter how much you may not feel like it. Do you go to church? One of the things that I started doing was taking the kids to church, Sunday is our day to have fun, eat donuts, play air hockey, etc.

When your wife begins to see the real changes is when you begin to "take control". As far as her getting everything, and making her leave. I would suggest seeing a lawyer and reviewing your options. You can't make her leave, and right now you don't want her to. Why? Because then she won't see the changes your making, she will run to OM, and you will drive yourself insane checking up on her.

from your post I think your plan A *is* actually working - anger/blame are a direct outcome of her insecurity now (remember - before she was absolutely certain to have found 'soulmate' etc). So keep it up. BUT - you shouldnt expect instant results. keep on reiterating what you feel if you know she is seeing him, that it's not too late etc

I am just so scared..I know that there is no coming back once this deal is done..and for her the sooner the better...I really have to accept thatv it is hopeless.. I tried to call her the past few days at work and she is not answering my calls.. This woman is set in her ways.. she will not acccept that i am sorry for the past... I CANT CHANGE IT!!! BUT I CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE.. BUT SHE HAS TO GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY.. she is not interested..Plan A is hard I am tring to be the best MM possible but she keeps on throwing this in my face...How much more of this do I have to take.. I just want my family to stay together.. I love them all too much to let go.. theyv are all I have.. I need a miracle.. so I will keep praying..

Stop persuing her with your calls because it is obviously driving her further away. Be aproachable, and cordial with her when she seeks you out, but don't try to communicate with her unless it's something that is truly urgent like an emergency.

How long have you been taking your anti-d's?

just a few days...she is still in the house.. I have been told to basically shhut up be the best MM possible.. and let god take care of the rest..But I am losing my mind ..I want her back to bad...I am going to start MC myself and try to get her there ar least.. but.. it has to be up to t=god to see awhat happens.. I am so alone and scared.. and I want my family to be happy together..

NICK123... she was leaving me anyway.. the OM was just something that happened after the fact supposably with wheelchair man.. the guy services wheelchairs..her issue was that I treated her like garbabe... I did not realize.. the whole blame circle.. controlling/ cruel words... I am so sorry..this is why I am trying to be the best MM..People can see tyhe light and change..My other concern is that even though the OM apparenmtlty called what they had off...my wife says nothing more than " really" kissing.. no skin on skin...HE IS STILL COMING TO THE HOSPITAL. again try to keep all ths out of my mind .. be he the best MM and leave Mrs. MM alone and let her come to me for affection..SHE WON'T... howver last night she let me rub her neck while she was sitting down..SO!!!! if she says dont't touch me... dont't hug me.. dont kiss me.. why is she not telling me not to give her a neck rub???
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Marathonman,

I hear your frustration. I lived it, remember? Is your wife a nurse? Mine is. that would make us even more alike. If you went back and read my posts, you would see that I had several EXACTLY like you are posting here. Listen to these others. They are right. Settle down. My wife was over us. She said she was done with the marriage and that is why she started things with OM. This is all fog talk. Fog talk is really sincere, although sincerely wrong. She believes what she is saying right now. but once reality sets in, she will see the error of her ways. but it will take time. how long? Depends on her, and you. Each person is different and it will take her as long as it takes her. But YOU can extend that by chasing after her (not good) and LBing.

Stop all of this. Go back again and read my posts. You are frantic. So was I. In another week or so, the meds will start kicking in and help. Remember, this is a war. Stop getting all hooked up in each battle. there will be some losses and some victories. In the end, it only matters what the final score was.

In His arms.

continue as planned with plan A.... dont be too intrusive.... just be there for her, offer your help, ear, heart. share your feelings - does she know how you feel about her being in contact with him? let her know. good idea about going to MC alone - maybe she wants to join in under the pretext of 'helping YOU understand what happened'?
most important thing: dont rush it. be aware that these phases play in timeframes of 6 months or so. as hard as it sounds - adjust your expectations accordingly

Mortarman she is an OT..I just want to set all out in point form: hopefully I will try to make sense of it all..
1.she says that I traeted her like garbage for the past four years..afetr she got pregnant with second child
2.OM was best friebd foe 3-4years..he was working on her wheelchairs.. became good friends.. although nothing esle.. so she says..
3. new years says those five words...
4. As seperate issue .. OM enetered piture.. after some questioning.. has feelings for him..
he also not happy
5. Says she wants out and does not want to try anymore// sick of me .. cannot and will not try..
end of story 6. Sees lawyer and starts seperaation proceedings
7. No S%% Contact for three months now... leeping in sepaerate rooms... demanded not to touch, hug, kiss ect
8. Cant wait to be seperated so she can have peaceful life
9. OM apperently calls it off going to stay with his family...WW says that contact was nothing more than hugging and kissing..
10. still anrgy and wants out!!
trying best with Plan A.. and taking ads...
looks hopeless.. she is set in her ways...no way she is coming back...
keeps telling MM to get with it and accept the it is over....
I am losing my mind .. but I love her too much to give up.. continue best with Plan A and try best not to LB...
WW.. still has daily contact with OM...she is not going anywhere.. neither is OM..

Mortarman... I am working my way through your treads.. I really hope all wotks out between you and mrs. Mortarman...I have faith that God is going to keep us together...Its all in his hands and I will continue to pray.. the above points make me want to believe that it is over...But I just love my wife to much to give up on her and our family

Marathonman,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mortarman she is an OT. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mine is an RN (well, she will get her RN in 6 weeks&#8230;she is a nurse extern right now in the ER while she finishes school). My wife tells me how sexually charged the hospitals are. Now wonder most soap operas are based around hospitals. It is a profession ripe with divorce and affairs. Just like the military. But that is a study in itself. Let&#8217;s get to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just want to set all out in point form: hopefully I will try to make sense of it all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a great way to do this. What I will do is take your point, and then tell you exactly what Mrs. Mortarman said in the same circumstances. Hopefully you will see that Mrs. Marathonman is not unique. Mrs. MM will be for your wife; Mrs. MO will be for mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM says that I treated her like garbage for the past four years...after she got pregnant with second child;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO says that I ignored her, abandoned her and treated her like a terrible husband would over the last 5 years before the affair&#8230;which puts everything right after the birth of our third child.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM was best friend for 3-4years (with OM)...he was working on her wheelchairs&#8230;became good friends&#8230;although nothing else&#8230;so she says;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO said OM turned into her bestfriend, when no one was there for her while I was deployed.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: new years says those five words...;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: last year said those five words....</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: As separate issue &#8230;OM entered picture&#8230;after some questioning&#8230;has feelings for him&#8230;he also not happy</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: said OM was separate issue&#8230;that she was done with the marriage before she started up with OM&#8230;said she had feelings for him when I questioned her after D-Day&#8230;OM is newly divorced a year before meeting my wife (his wife left him for the OM that she was cheating with&#8230;she married him).</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM says she wants out and does not want to try anymore// sick of me .. cannot and will not try...end of story</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO said she wanted out many times and did not want to try anymore// said she could not handle me anymore and cannot try again&#8230;as you can see, it wasn&#8217;t the end of the story.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM sees lawyer and starts separation proceedings</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO saw lawyer while I was in Bosnia while in full tilt with OM; wants to start separation proceedings in July after I came home; actually separates from August 1, 2002 through the end of this week, when I am moving her home.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: No S%% Contact for three months now...sleeping in separate rooms...demanded not to touch, hug, kiss etc</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: Only two S%% Contact for three months before she moved out...slept in same bed, but only because I refused to leave my bed...demanded not to touch, hug, kiss etc</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: Cant wait to be separated so she can have peaceful life</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: couldnt wait to be separated so she can have peaceful life; said she needed a life free from conflict</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: OM apparently calls it off going to stay with his family...WW says that contact was nothing more than hugging and kissing&#8230;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: OM takes my wife to Florida over Christmas to meet his family; she finds out how much OM still loves ex-wife; this caused the beginning of the end for my wife and her. There was a lot more than hugging and kissing&#8230;but until I told her I had the goods on her right after D-Day last April, she had said to me for days that there had only been kissing.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: still angry and wants out!!</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: still angry and wants out&#8230;right up until the day she banged on my door in January, wanting to see if we could find us again.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: looks hopeless.. she is set in her ways...no way she is coming back...</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: looked hopeless right up until January&#8230;she was set in her ways right up until January...no way she was coming back, at least not until she showed up in January...</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MM: keeps telling MM to get with it and accept the it is over....</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. MO: kept telling MO to get with it and accept the it is over; said &#8220;Why cant you just divorce like a normal person?&#8221;</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marathonman, thanks for your prayers for me and Mrs. Mortarman. You too can have this. But you need to first realize that your situation is not really unique. Our wives could be twins. By seeing your situation unique, then you will not trust the plan. You will feel like the plan works for everyone BUT you. &#8220;But they don&#8217;t know MY wife.&#8221; How many times did I say that here to the rest of these people (okay Q&#8230;no need to start counting&#8230;it will take all night!)? YOUR SITUATION IS NOT UNIQUE. WSs ARE REALLY NOT THAT UNIQUE! As soon as you understand that, then you will trust the plan, and will stay with the plan. That is why everyone here encourages you to read, read, read. And post. And get counseling. You need to get to the point where you know this and trust this.
When you do, then you can get your act together. And then (and only then) will you TRULY be ready for Mrs. Marathonman to come home.
In His arms.

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Mortrman.. how did you get the "goods" on Mrs MO.. Mrs MM swears by it but I know that she has do it..and she wants me to believe her. Once again it really seems thatthe end is on its way... Man she really does not love me..and Plan A is hard to keep up..but I'm doing my best. Met with my boss yestaerday who understands and is concerned.. but he also telling e to let her go so I can get my mind back on my job... otherwise I may lose that as well. I am praying like there is no tomorrow but I have to stop LBING..I really think that Mrs. MM is very serious.. fire in her eyes.. I am trying to get her to go to coucelling.. I have told her just for support for me.. she said if it is for us to get back together forget it..I know that I'm starting to sound like a broken record..but I raelly feel hopeless.what ever happened to her marrriage vows???? the ironic thing is that she wants to save her weddings rings to give the girls when they are older... for what reason... to show them that she did not love her father and its okay to not honor your weddding vow...
I will continue to pray for you my friend!

THE SUPPORT IS APPRECIATED..I am getting ready to throw in the towel....I cant live with her in the same house.. and I cant go anywhere..this is driving menuts.