Yo Mortar --
I'm not usually on this thread, but I try to keep up on your posts since we're both in the military.
And take this for what it's worth: I'm not in the sitch you are. My S is home, and I'm basically screwing up by the numbers. So I may end up in your sitch, maybe not.
But, if I read your post right, I think you do need to step back a bit.
There were two things that struck me: 1.) That she was implying she'd have As willy-nilly if you didn't change and B.) your take on marriage.
1. I don't think she was saying she'd have As. I think she was saying that if she gets home and you're still the guy she wasn't too thrilled with, she'd probably have to leave, as she already has. Yes, the OM was a factor in her leaving, but he was a symptom. Had she not had an A, and left anyway, you'd be in a different mind frame. But I'm thinking you get that. The point is, if she doesn't feel safe coming home, she's not going to feel safe when she gets there, so why should she commit? It's not that dissimilar from making the decision to marry you. She felt...safe.
2. Marriage is a wonderful thing, right? And God says it's forever, right? BUT... it's only a rare person who can say "Well, this blows, but God says do it." Most people need to know the marriage is fulfilling, loving and warm. They stay, frankly, out of a choice. They decide -- often on a day-to-day basis -- that marriage works for them. If you're lucky, she'll see marriage works AND see how it fits in God's plan. Maybe, in a way, God's word isn't the reason for the marriage staying together, but a thing she discovers by virtue of staying.
Now, from the strictly emotional male point of view, you have every right to say "Hey, if you won't say it's forever, shove off." And if that's what you choose, that's fine. But her experiences have shown her that forever isn't really in the cards just yet. After all, you married her under the pretext that you'd be this great and wonderful guy, and something went off kilter somewhere. You didn't keep your promise.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, let her come home, when she's ready. Make it nice and cozy and loving for her. She'll recommit, and when she does, you will know it's forever. I just don't see any value in demanding it right now. Take it day by day.
