Wow, I would be numb by now too. What about your counselor? wflower

he will find out at our next session. I personally feel he is no good. She is using him to say that she needs to "find herself", to get over the pain that I have caused her, but the truth of the matter is she wants justification to leave me and be with this other guy. The counselor can't see that. He says she has so much hurt, she needs time, poor wifey. Yuk! All that I did to her I did over a year ago. We dealt with it and moved on. All of a sudden, once she meets this guy, those things are unbearable and she is so hurt. Whatever. She said it herself, "if you tell me something, give me solid proof about the OM, I would leave him and we can work on our marriage". BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PAIN I'VE CAUSED YOU THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER?!?!?!
To be honest, she loves and me and wants to be with me. I know that. But, I was not filling all of her emotional needs (conversation) so this guy comes along and is filling it. So she's confused. But she sees me and knows that I am a good man, so she tried HARD to get me to do something mean to her to give her an excuse to leave. The woman is confused and I am fed up. I am going to sit back, see if she moves out, if she does, I WILL be taking applications! (just kidding) I am hurt and confused too and this thing is upsetting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says she has so much hurt, she needs time, poor wifey. Yuk! All that I did to her I did over a year ago. We dealt with it and moved on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAKE UP!!
Yes, I meant to shout. No, you (two) didn't "deal with it". You said you cheated on her. It normally takes about 18 months to two years to get over a betrayal. She is telling you that, the counselor is telling you that, why aren't you listening? Why are you dismissing and belittling her feelings and concerns? Why do you think anyone would "apply" for someone who treats their spouse this way?

um...when I said we dealt with it, I mean we discussed what I had done, we discussed what SHE had done, she had an affair and ended up pregnant, had an abortion and told me it was mine. I didn't find out until years later that my the child that I thought we had aborted because we weren't ready for another child was really another man's! We faced these things. No, we weren't OVER them, but we accepted it and decided to move on with the marriage.

There is no way, get this now, there is no possible that I can treat her any better. In the face of her saying she wants out and she is moving out she will tell ANYONE that her husband treats her well! Its just that this guy has her by the throat. I missed one of her needs and he is there filling her head with nonsense, reminding her of what I did in the past while causing her to forget what she has done.

I really don't know, Jazzey. I don't know what I am doing. It changes by the day, by the minute even.
Thank you for your support and your self-disclosure. I know it must have been hard. It was hard for me and we never talked about it afterwards. But once she came clean and told me it was not mine in the first place I felt a huge relief. But for you, there was no relief. But God has forgiven you and in that there should be huge relief.
I won't talk to the clown (the OM) anymore. I will let her decide what she wants to do and support her in whatever decision she makes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is no way, get this now, there is no possible that I can treat her any better. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So why not just give up, or at least go to Plan B, if this is true? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In the face of her saying she wants out and she is moving out she will tell ANYONE that her husband treats her well! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, but my wife called me to my face, to our frineds and aquaintances, and to the OM: "The Greatest Husband in the World". Why then did she have an A? Well, it was partly true that it had nothing to do with me - her decisions were hers. But the fact is I was nowhere near the greatest husband in the world - but neither she nor I recognized what she was missing until the OM gave it to her. And it was her decision to continue to seek that from him, not me, until their relationship became a physical affair. She did eventually try to get from me what she got from him, but found that there was an invisible wall between us that she had constructed without my knowledge, and eventually decided she had to take down the wall and tell me. Right now it sounds like your wife is in almost the same place - the affair is keeping her from receiving from you what she gets from him. Unfortunately, you are worse off because your wife is not trying to get them from you. However, if she says that you treat her well, then it is probable Plan B will work - because there are things you are doing for her the OM probably cannot do, and she needs them, too.

Frankly, though, based on my experience w/ my W, and based on your conversation comments here and elsewhere, I would bet big money that there ARE ways you can treat her better. See my response to you on Marathonman's thread for one example in the conversation arena. (I learned that one mostly from Gary Smalley books, tapes and radio programs.)

The second major area to look at is LoveBusters. Read what Harley has written on the subject. Eliminate the disrespectful judgements I have seen you make here, and replace them with investigation of what she means - find out the meaning and the feelings behind the words she uses. Read "If Only He Knew", by Smalley. Take the LoveBuster questionnaire, if your wife will do it (OK, I know that is improbable at this point). Read what Smalley has written about how to approach someone whose spirit is closed to you.

Lastly, keep praying, and keep doing those family devotions. The real reason my wife told me is that God got through to her. She knew she had to repent to get her integrity and her relationship with Him back.

I give you alot of credit, because I wish my H could be like you and forgive me. My H cheated on me the 1st 5 years we were married with numerous girls, didn't come home at night, he sometimes not all weekend, he was an alcoholic then. He went to rehab and stopped drinking for 6 1/2 years. He never admitted to cheating on me, I just heard stories, but never caught him, but he denied it when I asked. In August 2001 I cheated on him with a guy that worked for the same company as me, but lived in a different state. I realized after I did cheat, I didn't like the guy like I thought I did, but I could talk to him and he can talk to me. My H found out and I admitted it. Then I spoke to him over the phone once in October, and once in February and my H found out. That is when he told me of all the girls he cheated on me with the 1st 5 years of our marriage. He met a girl last June and I found out in August and kept on seeing her and wouldn't take me out or anything. I thought I deserved it and I would forgive him no matter what. Then he started living with her in December, Christmas night he left me and the kids. Only to come back 2 more times and leave again for her. So at least you have forgiveness in your heart and she is very lucky for that and that you want to work on your marriage. I would give the world for my h to come back and say he forgives me and he wanted our marriage and family together.

Goldie, I wish my wife could hear you say that.

And John, I do not equate treating her well to being the perfect husband. I now know that there is more to making a marriage work than simply treating the wife well.

So, yesterday, she told me that she needs time to clear her head and to pray and see what God wants her to do. I had to discipline myself because my first thought was to ask "how long will it take you to figure out that God wants you here with me, and Adonis and Athena? Is it really that hard?" But, John, I did NOT do that. It was only an initial thought. I do not always speak the first thing that comes to my mind. If I did, she would have been gone a loooong time ago. Not only that, I would be out of a job, beaten up, slapped, etc., etc.

Anyway, I told her okay, and that I will be praying for her. Today, after speaking to a lady from our church that she spoke with, I emailed her ALL of my personal info. I told her that my life to her should be an open book and even though she may not want to know, here it is. I then gave her my email passwords, my cell phone passwords, my work voice mail password, I told her if my phone ever rings to feel free to answer it and if she does not know the person on the other end to ask who it is. I leave my journals in the open for her to read if she chooses. If trust is an issue she has with me, then I will make it easier to trust me. Some of you may think, "Well, she should have known these things already" and you are right. She should have. But she didn't and we are where we are now. Maybe, just maybe, things will progress. Who knows? I do believe that in all of this God is making me a better person. It might have been His plan to have this come into my life to straighten me out. Once I'm straigtened, things may be like they should be, maybe not. But one thing will be for sure, I will be closer to Him. It took a big fish to bring Jonah back. For me, I can say it took a big fool named Randy(this guy irks me something terrible). But I love my wife and she knows it. I take full responsibility for what has happened and I will wait now to see how it plays out.

I would tell her if you wanted me to. She is very lucky that she still had a chance to be married to you. My H is hurting me so bad he doesn't care because of what I did. I just wish he can forgive me like I could forgive him. I thought in the beginning when I found out about his A I thought I deserved it. But now when I was trying my hardest last June he wasn't or he would never had been seeing her or thinking about it. Then he tells me our marriage was over 1 year 8 months ago when I cheated on him. Since he is living with her since December he was going back and forth to her and me. Seeing me secretly, and then he came back 2x's and both times he would just take off without a word and go back to her. This time since he left he is treating me worse than I can ever imagine.