You have lots of choices T.

Make decisions for yourself instead of letting him make them for you.

Have you called Steve H?

Lex, I need to be reminded of those choices every so often. I need to force myself not to want to hide my head in the sand when I actually go out somewhere and see people I know.

Last night, when I spoke to H, he said "you failed your test miserably a long time ago"...I responded, "Okay, tell me something I don't know." Then as a followup to his coninuing snideness, "did you get something in the mail today?" I responded, "Oh good, H. Glad to hear that I should be expecting something.". He replies, "Happy now?" "Ecstatic."

He's in his car during this conversation and changes gears in conversation to "did you see the store renovation? Looks good, don't you think?"

This morning, when he comes to pick up D, I'm explaining things I've put in D's knapsack. He then yells at me saying I always make simple things far too complicated. I turn around and walk away (I've decided to go out tonight to a retirement party that is work-related so I'm always hesitant when I leave D with him). D is still sleeping at this point.

Now that I'm on the train on the way to work, H has called me twice. One to ask about a bill and the other to ask about D's breakfast norm.

I hope you're doing well Lex and look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Have a great weekend.

My response to "Happy now"..."I'm ready" and/or "I'll be happy when it's over and I can finally move forward again".

And you should be working towards moving forward in life anyway!! Accept, release and move on! It doesn't hurt to hope and it's only normal to not LIKE the chain of events...but if you can accept that they are what they are and move forward, it makes a bigger difference than fighting it.

Terri ~

Sorry it took so long to reply. My life is more than a little out of whack at the moement!

Anyway, I just want to point out that your isolation from MB has affected you - because in your isolation, you've gone back to believing that what your husband says is reality.

Sure, you made mistakes and weren't the best wife ever. Who is? Even in recovery with all my MB under my belt, I still screw up! I'm sure every woman on the recovery board could tell you the same.

The problem is, the affair and this entire situation is your H's failure. NOT YOURS. And you've cut yourself off from those who would keep you from falling into that trap!

Do you honestly think that his fear of people finding out about your separation was because he was worried that people would think that YOU were a failure??? Puhleeze, he was worried that everyone would think HE was the failure. And guess what? They do!

The only blame you carry in this mess Terri, is allowing your fears to overwhelm you, guiding your decisions that keep you locked in this limbo.

You can set yourself free (and I'm NOT talking legally) from this mess at any time of your own choosing!

He keeps doing what he is doing because you allow him to. And I think its fair to say that he has been protected from the full consequences of the affair, due to your fear.

What's the worst thing that could happen? He'll leave you? He's already done that..years ago...and you are just fine. Not only that, but people like you ANYWAY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you think you are a failure Terri, perhaps you ought to redefine success - because your current defintion isn't quite working for you.

Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie.......
UGH that man drives me nuts.

Stop buying into his BS!!!!!

You need to find your anger again!

He says you "failed your test"....and you just say "ok".....UUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
WHAT ABOUT HIM???????

Who really failed here buddy?? Gosh you weren't the perfect wife??? Well only the perfect husband deserves the perfect wife....how many times has HE FAILED YOU???

Stop worrying about LB's and start kicking his butt! Stand up for yourself! You're not in plan A, stop being his doormat. Fight for some respect in this new relationship. And stop making things nice and easy for him. Let him start missing all those nice things T.

PLEASE?

What is so very alarming is that it seems that day after day he slings his anger and blame and crap at you....

Top comeback to terr's husbands ridiculous
statement..

"you failed your test miserably a long time ago".

cool!! Now I can throw out all those number two pencils I have been saving for so long...

test?? test??? I thought you were still studying on how to be a perpetual jerk

There was a test?..perhaps I was to busy watching our daughter while you were off in infidelity land to take the test...

Dang I think forgot to put my name at the top of the paper...

Well even if I failed the test I am sure I get extra credit for putting up with you...

Thanks for saying so professor jerk....

That's cool cause Freedom from Insufferable husbands University called and offered me a full time scholarship...
majoring in how to take the garbage out... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I like that one...)

And here I thought it was just a pop-quiz...

Yeah well report cards came out..I may have failed the test...but you dear...failed the course and whole semester....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ARK
go get him terr...

threadjack...bramble..hope you are well..and things get better...

Terrified,
I think you really need to sit down and think about something.
1)Is it that you enjoy the dramatic BS your WH throws at you because at least he is giving you some attention?

2)Is it that you enjoy the dramatic BS that your WS throws at you because it at least gives you something to think about besides the fear of being without a husband (and I use the word husband losely because he has not been one in a long time now)?

What is it that keeps you putting your hand on that stove for more abuse? You are in every way in an abusive relationship, plain and simple. I know that it takes some women years and years until they have said ENOUGH, I just hope that it doesn't take so long that your daughter beleives that this is how a man should treat a woman.

Hello everyone and thank-you,

Weekends are sometimes difficult but it goes by and somehow, you survive it.

I had a retirement party on Friday night...decided to go because it was a guy who's been with the company for 22 years. I still get that "terrible" mom feeling because I worked all day and went out at night (didn't get home until 1:30 a.m. and quite honestly, had a great time...!) H picked D up from daycare, took her out to dinner, dropped her off at a friend's because he had a soccer meeting until 10:00, picked her up and put her to bed. Called my cell at 1:00 a.m...WHERE ARE YOU, he says.

He left when I got home. Came over the next day to pick things up around the lawn (sorry, Ark...didn't know he was coming AND I had ballet with D in the morning...he came while we were there.)

Then spent some time with D in the afternoon. Had supper with her and left at 7:00 p.m.

Next day (Sunday), I took D to church, then for a few errands, home for lunch, nap and then to a friend's (with three kids she adores) for supper. I didn't say anything but when we got home, she was disappointed. "I miss my Papa, Mommy." "I know sweetie." What do I say. My child is attached to both us. What do you do? She becomes more resentful if he's not around. Does that mean I'm not doing enough for her or with her to fill the gaps??

I really do become confused sometimes. My mother tells me time and time again, "don't let him see her whenever he wants. He'll take her away from you. He'll make her love him better." Well, I think that's ridiculous. She's a child that wants both parents equally and if she yearns for her father, I let her call him. He can deal with her pleas. Right?

Hi Hope, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My response to "Happy now"..."I'm ready" and/or "I'll be happy when it's over and I can finally move forward again".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I could master the art of response. I'm better but not good enough. And yes, moving towards acceptance is what I must do.

Hi Bramble, Hope you're okay. Thinking of you and your health.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, I just want to point out that your isolation from MB has affected you - because in your isolation, you've gone back to believing that what your husband says is reality.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I think you're right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can set yourself free (and I'm NOT talking legally) from this mess at any time of your own choosing! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I do this? I keep losing track of what it really means to set myself free from this mess because I really do feel like I'm consumed by IT.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I think its fair to say that he has been protected from the full consequences of the affair, due to your fear. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But hasn't he suffered the disdain, the consequences and continuously said he doesn't care what people think?? Or perhaps this is what he tells me, I don't know for sure. How have I protected him from the full consequences? Do people now need to know of the affair?

Hi Lex, H doesn't believe there were any NICE things anymore...he's got me forgetting them too.

How can I help him remember?? God...12 years of marriage on May 11th...20 years of being together and he remembers nothing or possibly refueses to...

Hi Ark, You made me laugh...as always.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cool!! Now I can throw out all those number two pencils I have been saving for so long... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since my H is an account manager with a office supplies company...the pencils analogy is so on target! LOL

You are TOO good...

Hi Trying, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1)Is it that you enjoy the dramatic BS your WH throws at you because at least he is giving you some attention? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not really but at least, I see some emotion, some sentiment, some feeling...but I don't enjoy hearing his insults.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just hope that it doesn't take so long that your daughter beleives that this is how a man should treat a woman </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want my daughter to believe this is GOOD behaviour but she is very defensive of her father. It is difficult to put up the boundary because she does miss his company.

I don't know anymore.

Hugs to all

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 05:28 AM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>

Terri,
Spouses don't test each other. If he was testing you...he's the failure. (not a snappy comeback or meant to be said to him).

The vows he took were for better or worse, not highest GPA for goodness sake!

I think you've gotten the full ride to Ark's Freedom from Insufferable husbands University...(uh, Ark, would that be F U? Oh my.)

You know, if he'd just keep your daughter overnight, he wouldn't be at your house or have to call at 1 am. And what on earth is that about? Unless you want her home and not at his house? It's ok with me if it is your daughter you are thinking of...as long as it isn't for H's convenience at this point.

I don't see how he thinks he could get full-custody if he's NEVER had her overnight in well over a year of separation.

I hope I don't sound like I'm berating you, I'm aggravated on your behalf, ok? You handle so much of this situation with your H so well, under some pretty crummy circumstances. You are the good guy, not him.

Hi Lor (thanks for your reply)

My H is ALL about competition...always about who's BETTER with him. Funnily enough, he used to be the one labelled as the most romantic and thoughtful husband. Always sentimental gifts came from him...now the story is that I never appreciated those gestures enough so he found someone that really does. In ways, he may be right about the appreciation thing but I did always feel I was lucky or rather, that WE were lucky.

And another thing Lor, not that it's important...but because you mentioned it, I had to laugh, I did excel academically...and throughout the early years of our relationship, I always helped him. Wrote essays, typed essays, helped him with reports, exams...all of it. SO much history. Fun history. We actually met formally after our first university economics exam and became instant friends...always together through the years we were at the U.

Okay, I promise. No more nostalgia.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...(uh, Ark, would that be F U? Oh my.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">REALLY good one, Lor.

And I do prefer my daughter sleeping at home. So I put up with his BS so that she doesn't suffer because eventually, she will.

Last night, after he left, she took a fit. "I want my daddy to be home like the other daddies."

She was sobbing. "Do you miss Papa too, Mommy?" She sobbed for one hour solidly. I sat with her. I stroked her hair, her face...didn't know what else to do. Assured her that Papa loved her.

Before he left, she went up to my H and said, "Papa, me and Mommy miss you." Wow...I couldn't believe it.

H, says, "oh yeah"...and said nothing else.

I'm really worried for my D. Is there something I should be doing right now? Is it time for her counselling?

Terri,
I think you can do more for your daughter right now than any counselor. It doesn't sound like she's really acting out, like destroying her toys or hitting, biting, screaming tantrums. And all of those can be among normal stages!

I think laptime, stroking her face, reassuring her or your presence is good. The only thing I'd maybe suggest when it goes on for so long is putting on some music she likes (or that you do) and while holding her start to dance and sing. Or go make a fun snack. Or build a blanket fort. Something to distract her.

Your daughter has a lot of self-confidence for her age, to go up to her dad and tell him she misses him.

Hi Lor,

Thanks for replying. I'm glad you don't think my D needs some counselling at the moment. The idea of music distraction or other activities is a really good idea.

I guess I'm just hurting deeply for my D. The younger and reactive version of me would have called H, called OW...blasted them for ruining my daughter's young life but I did neither which is really thanks to the strength I have found through MB.

It's terrible to watch your daughter cry for something other than than the toddler norm.

I'm encouraged to see that you think of my D as confident. It sheds a different light on what I've tried to teach her.

Hugs to you

Hi everyone, I've been avoiding H as much as possible. Polite whenever I must speak to him. No LB's. No R talk.

H now calls me by my full name (at least when he remembers). Twenty years ago, when we first met, he came up with a short form of my name which rhymed with HIS short form. We were known as Mer & Jer.

I still hate hearing the full name but I say nothing.

And next week should be my 12th anniversary.

Thanks for listening.