Hi All,

Well, I guess I "slipped". I wanted to call H and explain that my actions and decisions to apart from him are not meant to be a rejection of him. That I was trying to make things clear for myself, the kids and him...protecting my heart from further hurt, and rebuilding myself without the draining presence of him...his moods, indecision, etc. I told him I loved him, and that if he wanted to reconcile, we could talk then.

It was meant to be a follow-up on the plan B letter which he said he read twice! It must have been a shocker for him to do that!

He said that it seemed I had "made a decision to cut all ties with him" and that in his mind, this would mean we would be growing apart, and probably split in the end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH! What the hell do I do??? what am I doing?????

I asked him to put himself in my shoes and tell me what he would do...ooohhh boy this man is so emotionally illiterate, he says "well, just be yourself" huh???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> What does he think I have been doing while he has 2 A's, and making complete hash of our lives?????

One thing is for sure, the more time I spend away from him, investing in my own life and refusing to think about him, the lighter I feel. I have felt better in the last couple of weeks than I have felt in years. In a way...he's right! I think for us and me, plan b will end our marriage...but for a combination of reasons.

I know I can make a happy life for myself without him, and the further I go down that path, the more I don't think I will want to go back!

Do I want that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I want my H, the one I love, with me in the house, being my husband and a daddy to our kids. I don't want to worry about A's, moods, withdrawal.

MB'ers, I am really worried now that plan B is going to push us apart, and take away some of my options.

I feel like I may have screwed up...is the assertiveness that I now feel and am "doing" part of what I should have been doing in plan A??? I definately did not place the boundaries that I have now put in place, when I was doing plan A. I tried, but it was soooo hard bcs I am so sensitive to his mood swings. I am always trying to figure out: where are "we" today. Talk about a miserable existence that was.

In a way, I feel like I could do an amazing plan A now. Boundaries, space for me, and a break from him!!!!

I know there are lots of people who do a great plan A with the fence-sitter around...but with our history...and I guess my personality, it was hard to do the boundaries part, as well as the "taking care of Eleanor" part. It's like H has set the emtional/mood thermometer in our house...and I let him.

I know I am throwing everything onto the carpet for discussion...but I need to not mess this up.

Thanks.

Litch,

I meant to respond to you too...

H hated the counseling thing so much when we did go (about 10x) after A#1. He admits that he did feel good discussing issues to an "impartial party" but does not want to delve into his deeper issues in IC. I have about 0% hope that he will do that. he does have 2 good guy friends, that he respects, who are pro-marriage oriented. Also, our whole 'entourage" is family oriented. I know h is confronted with this reality at every turn.

he knows something is "broke", but often his instinct has been to act out/cheat/lash out at me, rather than to dig down deep. That's why i am trying to remove some of the distractions (me) in the hopes that it will all bring things to head for him sooner....I hope.

I am having a day of "weakness"...oohhh it's bad. I want to re-consider the whole thing..but I have learned that if I can postpone a decision until tomorrow, there is a good cahnce that the feeling will pass by then.

I really think h needs the occasional positive reinforcement, so I am thinking of a way to incoporate that into a plan b...don't get your 2x4's out everyone...I am really trying to see what will bring me the result I want in my case. Opinions are welcome.

I don't want H just telling himself "oh she's mad"...it would defeat some of the purpose of my message. My letter made it clear that anger was not part of this, but he's confused....

more soon.

E

Eleanor,
Blessings to you and your family...you have been through a lot...

I believe that plan B especially in your case (three small kiddies)... will and does call for fine tuning...and perhaps rule bending...

I mean on one hand ...you have seem to attracted his attention....

The concern is that he WILL take the easy way out...and use you plan B as the nail in the coffin ..which is laughable based on his two affairs...and refusal to commit even at this time....

What I suggest when you do decide to engage in more "deeper" conversations about this....let go of your own fears and holding back of missing opportunities to turn it all back around to him...

He said that it seemed I had "made a decision to cut all ties with him"
This is where you turn it back to him...no dear you made the decision that you couldn't committ to marriage and being faithful...I want nothing more than to have a committed relationship with you...

I asked him to put himself in my shoes and tell me what he would do...ooohhh boy this man is so emotionally illiterate, he says "well, just be yourself" huh????

Say but dear that is exactly who I am being...someone who would never allow someone to disrepect them. I want to be with someone who respects me and I respect them...don't you want that also?

don't be afraid to take him on....in a positive rational way....

MB'ers, I am really worried now that plan B is going to push us apart, and take away some of my options.
Eleanor...you must grow to become to realize that it is not your plan B...or anything else that ends this EXCEPT your husbands choices and refusal to act in way that YOU are worthy of....
settling for anything less once you have truly learned the meaning and value of a committed married couple..will only bring you misery....you must never settle for less...

reiforce things by telling him you worry about how he is...how is sleeping, his health...unexpected things....but keep steady and focused on you

ARK

Ark,

Your post has had such a soothing effect on me...maybe I won't need that bubble bath tonight.

And, I have to admit, having such an esteemed MB'er give me "permission" to tailor my plan B is GREAT!

My gut feeling is that H is "fragile", and while I am gaining so much strength and confidence in myself and my new-found assertiveness, I think I can "afford" to give H a few morcels, now and then. I do not want him to feel that I have stopped caring, but he has to know that my caring will not make me accept disrespect ever again.

I feel that I can tinker with this a tiny bit...enough to show H that I am happy, confident, not pre-occupied or angry with him...but have placed "us" on the back-burner until he can decide to reconcile, or not.

I will see how I can incorporate this aspect into our rapports.

Ark: thanks again for your thought-out post.