She called me at work yesterday morning, crying,
said om had put her out and she had no where to go and no money,she sounded so terrible,I had to go help her. I tried to call my wife on her cell
but it was turned off. I go to ow, seems her and the guy she was living with had a fight,he told her to get out ,he was going back to his wife.

The only thing I could think of was to get her a room, I called the om, told him we wanted her things, at first he said no, but I was going to get her things for her so he agreed. She didn't have much, just some clothes and a few other belongings. We spent 5 or 6 hours together talking, trying to figure out what she needs to do. She called her husband and asked if she could come home, he has mixed feelings about this
and I don't blame him. Her kids are staying with her parents so maybe she can go there.

Anyway, I told my wife, she wasn't as pissed
until she called ow to verify the story and ow
said I kissed her. I had forgot that, it was one kiss, not even a romantic one.

I broke the no contact rule, our agreement that
I would call her if ow called me, everything.
I really want to fix our marriage.

OnlyHuman,

I'm sorry for the harsh tone, but you've made a HUGE mistake, bud. HUGE. Your actions don't match your words and if you're not set back to square one in your recovery - your wife either needs a serious wake-up call or in some deep kind of fog herself.

When the OW called, you should have immediately shut her down and got off the phone and called your wife to report that you had received the call and hung up without a conversation. And that night, you and your wife should have composed a NC letter and mailed it together, and reaffirmed your pact and commitment to NC. Period.

Instead, your actions demonstrate that you are not committed to rebuilding your marriage, you are not committed to restoring your wife's trust in you by living your words, and contact with the OW sends you into a tailspin and out of control.

If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to go back to square one and ask yourself why? And your wife needs to know the truth so she can start making some decisions about recovery - with you or without you.

Be the man she deserves. Be the man you should be. Or do the kind thing and allow her to get on with her life and find a man that will love her and fill her days with joy - rather than the misery you continue to heap upon her.

-pendragon-

Forgive me for being blunt but THE OTHER WOMAN IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. THE ONLY WOMAN WHO IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY IS YOUR WIFE. I hope I was clear enough.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I can see your marriage is going to die a death of a thousand cuts with this kind of crap. I don't know what to tell you, but I hope your W takes steps to protect herself. This has to be pure horror for a BS.

As long as you let yourself get manipulated by the OW to continue contact with her, your marriage is going to be on death row.

OnlyHuman,

Is this this same woman that drove 500 miles to come to your house...so that she could defecate in your car??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

OMG....what could you have been thinking?? Why would you think that you owe this woman? For the love of gawd, she isn't even housebroken! Or at least not carbroken! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I cannot imagine how you could "forget" something like kissing her. Why do you think that she "remembered" to tell your wife? Get a clue.

IMHO, you are not really wanting to fix your marriage or you would not have done what you did.

committed

This was a colossally stupid decision. You rode in on your white steed to rescue the damsel in distress .... what emotional need of YOURS did this meet?

Is admiration one of your top needs?

I guess you gained the admiration of a woman who poops in cars, congratulations! What a terriffic compliment .... a totally dependant, babyish, weak woman needs you.

? Got milk ?

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Um...

you might be able 2 afford the kind of therapy you need if you sell this thread 2 Hollywood.

-ol' 2long

Well, you did what Lug did early on. It was always "just one more thing I have to do to end this."

Problem is...he almost lost me 2 years ago over it.

And now, this same sort of "one more thing" excuse gets used almost daily in our life.

So, your wife, like me...gets to feel like WE will never be "the thing" that is valuable enough to get the attention of the person we love. We'll always be further down on the list of priorities.

Think about what you have done..you've just negated every good thing your wife has seen since your recovery began. You didn't help the OW as much as you hurt you W...and you've hurt your credibility more.

I won't even go into the trust quotient.

Think about it, OH. You want to work on your marriage, but you want a special set of rules that you can use for yourself for "special circumstances". Well, it works both ways. If this is true for you...should be doubly true for your W.
T

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Twyla ]</small>

I just can't understand the attraction to these women that seem so sleazy and nutty? What is their spell that makes WHs unable to get away from them.

OnlyHuman,

What a jerk you are! Beg your wife's forgiveness and never speak to OW again. OW is a grown woman (with a husband, an old boyfriend...you, and a new one..that's kicked her out). How many more men do you think it'll take to make her feel really important? She's playing games, seeing who will jump through hoops for her. DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now you showed the OW what it takes to keep you coming back.

And she had no one else that would help her? Please!
She has a family, and a H!!?!?!
How presumptuous that you are the only one to save her.

And if they weren't willing to help her, maybe there was something she needed to learn from this...and you prevented her from learning it because you bailed her out.

How many times in the past few months have you sat talking with your W for 5-6 hours straight? I'm guessing not many, if at all. So what message does this give your BW?

Pardon the anger, just thinking how I'd feel if my H did this....

Why did you tell us this? Do you want a medal for running to aid of a damsel-in-distress?

Let me guess, you did this out of 'guilt'... out of 'caring' ...

You sound just like my SO, whose behaviour makes me want to despise him. It's pathetic, you're pathetic!

Listen to everyone! You would like to 'fix' your marriage? Where are your priorities???

This makes me sick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I too wonder why you even wanted to tell us this. This is a marriage building site.

I feel sorry for your wife. She deserves better. You do not sound like good marriage material.

Susan

Pendragon and toomuchcoffee,
Even though I have told myself she wasn't my responsibility, I still feel responsible that she
left her husband, her kids, and came here to the same city I am in. I just feel if I can get her
back home,to her kids at least, I feel so much guilt about her kids, they are like 12 and 14.
When we were talking about marriage and all that
stuff, I would have never let her leave her children, right now they are staying with ow's parents, they don't have a father or a mother.
I don't love ow as in ,in love with her, but
I do care about her as a person, I don't want to be her friend, her crutch or anything else, I just want her to go home , I want her to be with her family. Yes I know, I should have thought about that in the first place.
I am always posting about no contact and I'm the one that broke it! It didn't bring back those old feelings like it would have if I had seen her maybe two years ago.

Melody Lane,
my wife wasn't as upset as I thought, unless she
just didn't say it.

committed,
yes it is the same woman, yes they still laugh
about it at work, call her 'the mad shetter'.
When I went to pick her up, she got in and I told her, this is my new truck, shet in it and you die. I knew she had done it, she told me yesterday, I knew she was the type of person that
wouldn't let something go without pay back. The
kiss was accidental, she was sitting there crying, I HATE it when women cry, she was crying about her kids and I put my arm on her shoulder,
she stood up, I put my arms around her and I kissed her head, the top of it, when I realized what I done, I stepped back, that was it.

I told my wife what happened, she asked questions, then she called ow to verify it.
Did you touch her, did you kiss her, did you boink her, etc. She gets on phone with ow,
he told me he hugged you, he told me he kissed you, what? I didnt kiss her, she listens, shoots me a bird and kicks me hard ,real hard.I had forgot about the kiss, it was a kiss on the head,
I kiss my daughter on the head, I use to kiss my mother on the head, my son does the same thing.

Pepperband,
admiration use to be one of my top needs, since
we've been trying to recover I felt that need was selfish actually, I felt my needs werent important and I need to worry about what my wife needs and I am pretty sure number 1 is honesty
and I blew that when I didn't tell about the kiss.

2long,
don't think there is 2 much hollywood 2 this
and I know I'm not the only person 2 screw up
and do stupid things even though it's my wife I
love and want 2 be with.

Twyla,
you're right, it was one more thing
I felt I needed to do, I just needed to fix this
to take care of it. My wife wants rid of ow as much as I do, she just gives me a hard time about it, she says alot of things . She hasn't called or
come home yet and I'm so afraid she went over
to see ow. I imagine the two of them saying things they shouldn't be talking about, like
oh, he was so bad in bed you know?
I know I can't have a special set of rules, I know I can't keep breaking the rules but it was one last time.

mimi,
when I fell for her, she wasn't sleazy or nutty.
She probably didn't think I was the ******* I
she knows now either.

tooOld,
I know I'm a jerk, I just want her to get on
a bus or a plane or even a cab, I'll pay for
it, I just want her gone.

Stillhere,
her family is about 500 miles away. She left
her husband for this other guy, left her kids with her parents. Her husband is a basket case,
I can understand why. We talked, we talked about things ,well we each wanted some answers, she wanted to know why after she broke up with me,
I didn't care enough to try and get her back, things like that, things that only we could answer, it doesn't matter now, it's over.
The only time my wife and I talk is after a blow up like this, it's always about only humans affair. I would gladly talk to her if it was about something good.

up&down,
where are yours???

Susan,
do you think all people who have had an affair
are not good marriage material? What makes good marriage material?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pendragon and toomuchcoffee,
Even though I have told myself she wasn't my responsibility, I still feel responsible that she left her husband, her kids, and came here to the same city I am in. I just feel if I can get her back home,to her kids at least, I feel so much guilt about her kids, they are like 12 and 14.
When we were talking about marriage and all that
stuff, I would have never let her leave her children, right now they are staying with ow's parents, they don't have a father or a mother.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OH, listen well.

You are fooling yourself if you beleive that you can get her home to her kids because that is something that she has to decide to do for herself, without you or anybody elses help. The OW is not, I repeat not, a child. She is a grown woman who chose to betray not only her H but her children as well, when she chose to have an A with you.

Do you really value your M or are you just paying lip service? If you do, then commit yourself to end all contact with her FOREVER and truly start rebuilding your M. But if you don't, then divorce your BW so she can start to heal and move on with her life.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Susan,
do you think all people who have had an affair
are not good marriage material? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sure don't. Matter of fact, H and I both have had affairs. But, I do know this, I have had enough lying and pain from affairs to last me a lifetime.

Good marriage material to me would be a truly repentant spouse that did what was required to heal the marriage. This does not include still feeling responsible for the OW.

You say you felt responsible that she left her husband. Did you not feel responsible for the pain your wife would feel just by giving her a ride?

You forgot about the kiss. Did you also forget you put your arms around her?

Why didn't you just call her a cab and tell her to go home! I would imagine that you have not heard your last from this OW.

Susan

Originally posted by OnlyHuman:
Even though I have told myself she wasn't my responsibility, I still feel responsible that she
left her husband, her kids, and came here to the same city I am in.

Orchid: Well you are the cause but you do not have control over the remedy other than take yourself out. Do you realize that continued contact for any reason (good or bad) is detrimental to both of you? Even if it was because the OW was in the hospital or even dead.... it is still not worth your breaking the NC condition. Would you like to be the one responsible for her doing more damage?

Do you realize that you are the 3rd wheel? You listed so many others that can help her yet she called you..... do you see why?

Are you guilble enough to believe that you are the 'only' one that can help her? U know this OW is an actress of the adulterous kind. Don't defend her actions...... that sweetness that drew you into her web of deceit worked again.

If you saw one of your children fall for someone's excuse like that what would you say or do?

I just feel if I can get her back home,to her kids at least, I feel so much guilt about her kids, they are like 12 and 14.

Orchid: Not your job. Stay out of her way so she can go home. The more you contact her the more guilt you will feel... so your reason is not making sense.


When we were talking about marriage and all that stuff, I would have never let her leave her children, right now they are staying with ow's parents, they don't have a father or a mother.

Orchid: So you say but look at what really happened. Now what do you have to say about this?

I do care about her as a person, I don't want to be her friend, her crutch or anything else, I just want her to go home , I want her to be with her family.

Orchid: If you are really a 'friend' or even a 'fiend', then action is stil the same, leave her alone. You are bad medicine for her. She is poison for you.

Yes I know, I should have thought about that in the first place.

Orchid: Now with this statement, I see a flicker of hope. Almost ready to write you off..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

OnlyHuman,

In your first post, your wife got a casual mention toward the end of it.

In your second post, your wife was mentioned toward the end--to say that you would gladly talk to her if it was about something good instead of the affair (a funny thing to say after you just brought a big dose of the ow into your Wife's life AGAIN).

Where are your true priorities? You said that you want your BW and marriage but it is hard to see that by who and what you posted about.

Btw, you said you would pay ow's way back home. Don't you think that your BW would have a better use for HER half of the money you would dish out to ow? Would you have informed your BW that you were intending to spend HER money on the ow? What if your BW didn't answer the phone again, would that justify your doing it without getting her input FIRST?

Where are your priorities really? Are your actions backing up those priorities? Only you have the answers to these questions OnlyHuman. Maybe that's a conversation you could gladly have with your BW--unless you don't consider talking about direction in recovery to be "talking about something good".

Good luck to both of you (you and your BW).