Hi, I am new also. On the advice of Dr. Harley, I am looking for veteran members to submit to me samples of their Plan B letters so I can get a feel for what they should consist of.

I would like to complete my Plan B letter by this Saturday, August 23rd. If you can help, thanks.

PandJwillsurvive

PandJ

Sorry didn't get your message till now, I have been away for a few days.

I am not in plan B yet, so haven't written a plan B letter yet. There are some scattered around the site if you look.

Good luck

S.

Hi S.:

How are you doing? I haven't heard from you in awhile.

as I said away for a few days. Got a nice break with some friends.

WW was staying with her mother and had our D with her, so fairly sure she didn't have contact (apart from phone) with OM.

To summarise since I last posted (was it really 6 days ago!)

WW went out to her sisters that night, but I had told her that it was on condition she stayed the night. She rang at 10:45 to say she was coming home. I immediately text-messaged her sister to find out if she was still there, but received no reply. WW wasn't home by 12:00 so I went to bed, turning on the alarm and locking the door <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
WW arrived home at 1am and set off the alarm (as I expected her to), and I went down to let her in. She was pretty mad tht I had locked her out and set the alarm, but I didn't react. She calmed down the next morning and apologised. She called me before leaving for her mothers and once she had arrived. She also left a nice note for me wishing me a nice time while I was away. She is still away but there have been several phone calls during which she has been affectionate and interested in what was going on.
She won't be back for another day or two.

Not much else to report, but I do expect to be starting the mediation/separation process soon, as I got a call from them on Friday afternoon.

More news if and when it happens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

S.

well, so much for hoping that WW wouldn't be seeing OM while she was satying with her mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I rang MIL's house on Tuesday afternoon to talk to WW and to D. D tells me WW has gone out with her (WW's) uncle. Not beyond the bounds of possibility, but in the current scenario enough to raise suspicion. D rang later on to talk to me. We chatted for a few mins and I asked to speak to Mom. D replied that she was still out. I didn't make a big deal but asked when she was done to be put on to MIL. Talked to MIL and found out that OM had arrived in MIL's town the previous night and WW was out with him.

I was really pissed off and was seriously considering getting in the car there and then for the 4 hour drive. I was pissed of with WW primarily, both for what she was doing to me and our D, but also for dropping MIL in the middle once more, but also with MIL for not putting up more resistance to WW going out with OM. However I held fire and didn't vent any anger on MIL. I decided to contact WW and tell her I wanted her home with our D the next morning or I would come down. I tried to ring her, but couldn't get through, so I sent a message to this effect.
Wednesday morning (was that only yesterday?!!) I rang MIL's house to see was WW on the road yet, only to find out that WW had not returned home the previous night at all.

Talked briefly to WW shortly afterwards, and told her why I was so annoyed. I probably LB-ed quite a bit, but at the time I didn't really care. What annoyed me even more was that our D knew she was out with OM on Monday and Tuesday nights, but supposedly 'just as a friend' - WW's version. However, D, who is only 9, had taken it on herself to lie to me about who WW was out with, because "Dad doesn't like OM". This is what D said to MIL, who told her that she shouldn't lie, and if WW was out with someone who Dad didn't like, that was WW's problem not D's. I Agree with MIL here and am thankful for her intervention. However, I have never mentioned OM, disrespectfully or otherwise to D, so any idea she has gotten here has been from elsewhere or from something she is inferring.

I am quite upset about this actually, because now D is being dragged into all the deceit, even if she is doing it for her own reasons and for the best of intentions. It is just not right to put a 9 year old in that position.

Anyway, much to WW's annoyance I got in the car and drove down. WW rang me continiously and tried to get me not to come, but I either ignored her calls or told her I was coming anyhow.

Arrived last night and after stopping for a brief chat with MIL's sister, I met up with MIL, D and some cousins who were in the area. They now know the situation too apparently and were very nice to me. D was delighted to see me and I her. MIL convinced me to stay the night and leave early this morning rather than get straight back into the car for another 4 1/2 hours drive at that late time. I accepted her offer and stayed in her house. WW was out with OM and returned home at 12:30 - I was in bed but heard her come in.

I decided against having a confrontation with MIL - figuring I had made my position clear through MIL's sister and MIL's other daughters. MIL was good to me and is plainly caught in the middle of an akward position. She will not encourage WW, will not lie for her, but is afraid of shutting her off completely and/or losing contact/time with her granddaughter (our D). All in all I think I can deal with this.

We left early this morning (I and our D), while WW stayed on. I didn't exchange any conversation with WW other than a greeting. I found it quite upsetting to deal with her, especially knowing what has gone on over the last few days. She wished me a safe journey and asked me to drive carefully quite a few times, and was I think, surprised and a bit upset that I blanked her to some extent.

Our D called her when we got home, but I haven't talked to her since. She will probably be home on Friday I guess.

It might be a good idea if you could make yourself scarce as much as possible when your WW is around. The more contact you have with her, the more you love bank drains and it will only be a matter of time when you will no longer want the marriage. You are very much painfully aware that at this moment in time, she is nothing but a cake eater who wants to have a H and OM, and will continue to lie and cheat to maintain the status quo. Besides, this distancing will ease your transition to Plan B when the legal separation starts.

TMCM

As usual you are on the money. I have kind of reached the same realisation myself and have been 'rationing' my contact with WW. I do still love her, I have no doubt about that, and I find the current scenario very painful, but increasingly am finding negative feelings towards her as a result of her continued relationship with OM. Subconciously, primarily, I have been distracting myself and finding other things to do. It is nice to have a wise poster such as yourself giving guidance to that effect.

On that note, can I say thank you to all those who have contributed to this thread. I may not have always acknowledged each personal contribution, but all of you have helped to prevent this particular MB-er from doing anything silly. Thank you all, sincerely.

S.

Well the cake-eating continues. Not a lot to report since I last posted here. WW took her sweet time coming back from MIL's house, spending lots of time with [censored].
Back to school this week, so I expected some sort of settling down. However, WW is still abusing the house and going and where and when she wants. I haven't had the energy a lot of the time to fight her on it.

As TMCM has suggested I am trying to stay our of her way to avoid withdrawing from the LB where possible. I will also make more of an issue when she tries to go out with OM and simply be obstructionist.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"...I am trying to stay our of her way to avoid withdrawing from the LB where possible. I will also make more of an issue when she tries to go out with OM and simply be obstructionist."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't the latter betray the former?

as I posted it, yes it does.

I suppose what I mean is that I will stay out of her way in general terms as you suggested, but if she is looking to go out, will simply leave myself so she has to get a sitter if she wants to go out with OM. Obviously I won't do this for 'legitimate' outings. I don't plan a confrontation or an argument - simply putting an obstacle in her way to demonstrate my boundary in this regard. Does that make more sense?

Salerio I understand why you don't want to be her babysitter while she goes to see the OM, but aren't you going to be one anyway after the separation happens, when you'll have custody of your child, and Plan B is in place?

My point is that IF she truly wanted to work on rebuilding the marriage she would:

1. Inform you that she is ready to end all contact with the OM forever and that she has written him a NC letter for you to review and send it with her.

2. Agree to follow a marital recovery plan which is based on the four rules for a succesful marriage (see my link below).

She would NOT be wasting her time continuing to go out whenever she pleases, and would stay with you and your child.

My suggestion is that you stop this 'if you want to go out, hire a babysitter' because it's not going to stop her from going to visit the OM, and it will only drag you into more contact with her which is what you are trying to avoid in the first place.

Salerio,
Haven't seen you around for a while. How are things going for you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the enquiry STBXWife

Haven't been around a lot lately. I suppose I have become resigned to a degree about the end of this marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WW is still seeing OM regularly, although I have taken on board TMCM's advice and limited my contact with WW to avoid draining LB any more than is already happening.

Have had discussions with WW and we are at present agreeing the details of a legal separation.

I have been directing more energy towards my job (making up for 'lost months' after D-day), my relationship with our daughter and looking at options (financial, routine day to day etc) for a life apart from WW.

I do miss the companionship and often long for someone to hug me and tell me 'I love you'. I do appreciate it more when my D does that now though, so that is a positive I guess.

Being honest, at this stage I find it hard to see a life with WW again, but I am trying not to think negatively about this - it is just being realistic - she is showing no signs at present. Maybe when the separation is in place and I can move towards a full plan B, I (and she) will feel different.

Anyhow, thanks for the concern, and best wishes to all of you with your own problems. I will try and check in more regularly.

S.