Cow-a bunga!

Good idea!

Blah

I am sorry -I don't have the time or energy to read all this post through - I have skimmed it, and it seems you weren't listening to what I said. Thank goodness for the other fine folk that have jumped in here in my absence.

However, I cannot (will not) comment until I have read this properly. I was in the middle of a mini MB break due to being away with work and tomorrow play for a few days. However, seeing my name being called - well, just got to jump in, see if I can help.

Blah, there are people out there much wiser than me. Please listen to them. However, I will be back... (oops, sound a bit like Arnie).

One last thing Blah, what don't you understand about the concept of NC? Think about it and give me an answer please....

Take care
Lisa

This is plain and simple. Blah doesn't take responsibility for anything so he tells his wife about the contact not to make improvements, but for the hopes that his wife will divorce him, therefore letting him off the hook of having to decide anything in this situation. He wants to be guilt free to say, well "SHE DIVORCED ME", to ease his guilt and then go to be with the OW and he can live happily ever after with the added feeling of relaxation for not being the one to end his marriage.
I think his wife should let him go. I have to smile to myself when I say that, because when that happens, we all know what's going to happen next! The outcome is pretty predictable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blah34:
<strong>thanks adgirl...I appreciate and respect you for caring about me I know I need to either end the affair or the marriage. Thanks for bringing it all back to the reality and the simplicity of the situation. It is NOT complicated. It is simple. Its the pain that I am trying to avoid that is uavoidable.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You just remind me too much of my ex and he is a mess right now. I think you both have a problem realizing the pain is ultimately dragged out when you waver between two and that it really is simple. You made a commitment to your wife. Are you going to keep it or not? I challenge you to read "A purpose driven life"...if you don't read the whole book, go to the store and read the first sentence.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying2_4give:
<strong>This is plain and simple. Blah doesn't take responsibility for anything so he tells his wife about the contact not to make improvements, but for the hopes that his wife will divorce him, therefore letting him off the hook of having to decide anything in this situation. He wants to be guilt free to say, well "SHE DIVORCED ME", to ease his guilt and then go to be with the OW and he can live happily ever after with the added feeling of relaxation for not being the one to end his marriage.
I think his wife should let him go. I have to smile to myself when I say that, because when that happens, we all know what's going to happen next! The outcome is pretty predictable.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got it, trying to4give- no need to take responsibilty right- and the outcome is very predictable.

Lisa,
In answer to your question, I do understand NC. I am just unsure of myself. I am trying to convince myself to do it, that it is good for me or the right thing, but to be honest I am not sure. I know that means I should let my wife go if I am not sure, right?

Blah

In answer to your question, I do understand NC. I am just unsure of myself. I am trying to convince myself to do it, that it is good for me or the right thing, but to be honest I am not sure. I know that means I should let my wife go if I am not sure, right?

No, it doesn't mean let your W go now if you are not sure. You made a commitment when you married and you keep it. You have NC with the OW and you work on your marriage for 4 or 5 years and then if you BOTH figure it won't work ( read up on POJA) then you get a D and you are free to find someone else. NC means NC, and it starts yesterday.

Does that make sense?

SS

Blah,

What outside support do you have? MC or IC? Have you ever done any phone counseling sessions with Steve or Jennifer?

If you 'know' what you are suppose to do but can't seem to implement what is right, then you need help. This is not a negative statement. It is a constructive one. Most would just leave you be.... since your problem is not there's. Yet many here have taken the time to write to you and I can see that their words have been hard to swallow but it does not lessen the importance of their posts.

See if you can find another vehicle (continue to keep posting here) to help you get over that hump so you can benefit from the support here. If not, in time even those here will get weary of helping you. Wouldn't you?

Another suggestion is to go to the doctor and see if you are suffering from depression (which by itself could hinder your recovery and viewpoint). Maybe he can help you. See if any type of foods or excercises will help stimulate your immune system.

The ow and A situation appear to be 'addictive' for you. This is a common disorder. You are not alone in it unless you force yourself to be.

Please work on making yourself well before you tackle your M.

L.

Blah ....

You are unsure if you want to return to a marriage that was very unsatisfying for you in most ways.

Start where it was satisfying, and build from there. What were/are your strengths?

Does your W ever make mention of the degree of unhappiness for both of you in your pre-A marriage?

Has your W described to you her perception of your marriage, pre-A?

What was missing from the marriage before the A?

You and your W might like to try this:

Each of you makes 2 lists. Title your lists....

1. Things about our marriage that worked well.

2. Things about our marriage that did not work well.

Don't even attempt to "solve" things until you both agree, in a general sense, of what it is you are trying to solve.

This first shared husband/wife exercise is only to identify the problem areas. NOT to work on them! You need to agree what you want to work on, and then tackle that area together.

See if you can get your W to agree to do this 2 list exercise. You can do this separately, then, hand it to each other, or mail it if need be.

After you study her list, and she studies yours .... you find one common area, something both of you wish to work on .... and you decide how to "solve" that one particular area.

Sound simple enough? Clear enough?

We care Blah .... you matter.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

My wife moved in for a week. We were fighting alot, mostly because I was telling her how unsure I was and I was thinking about OW. My wife and I have been touch and go all week. Then Friday I called the court to find out the status of my divorce, I was suprised to find out that it had been processed, and there is 2-3 weeks until there is a judgement. My wife was very upset and she had enough of my "unsureness" and feelings for OW. My wife told me to show her that I wanted her to stay, if not she would go for good. We decided to end it and she is moving out again. I contacted OW, she is also hurt and angry with me, she does not want me now. My wife said that when she left Saturday she will not come back...I guess I am losing all the way around.

Blah

My wife told me to show her that I wanted her to stay, if not she would go for good. We decided to end it and she is moving out again. I contacted OW, she is also hurt and angry with me, she does not want me now. My wife said that when she left Saturday she will not come back...I guess I am losing all the way around.

Blah,
You really are unbelievable. I wish I could throw many 2x4s your way. Since I can't...I will just say this. You are unbelievably selfish. Your wife leaves because you don't do anything to show her a reason to stay, you immediately call OW and all you can say is Well I am losing all the way around. Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? You cheat on your wife, you constantly go back and forth, you ask us for advice and then ignore it, and you still are thinking about YOU and YOU only!?!?!? Well, I think it is great that you are alone, so that you can either change and perhaps get the focus off you for once and realize that YOU are the cause of all these problems, or you can wallow in your misery and not harm others in it.

Who filed for Dv? And when?

Your wife kept her word, she left when you didn't make it clear to her that you wanted to stay. By talking to her and "telling her how unsure [you were] and [that you were] thinking about OW" of course drove her away.

So neither your W or the OW want to be with you right now. I can only imagine how frustrated and alone you feel. Don't run to either one of them begging. It isn't attractive and I doubt it will bring either of them back. Take some quiet time alone to get your head straight. I'd say go for some counselling, or maybe even call S. Harley for some advice.

If nothing else, don't you dare continue trying to keep both women in your life while you decide what you want. That's hurtful and selfish behaviour. The way I see it, you owe to yourself and to them to figure out exactly what you want before you bother your W or OW again.

Please reread my post (and perhaps everyone else's while you're at it) and don't just say to yourself "Oh that's not what I want to hear" and discredit it. You really need to wake up and realize how much pain you are causing other people, not just yourself.

Take care,

Jen

pepper,
thanks for the helpful tips and the caring.
Blah

Jen,
thanks for reply. I filed the divorce in January when I went back to OW after taking a month away from her. I had to file an additional paper but did not, I thought the divorce would not go through...well they said the judgement is in 2 weeks.

As it stands, I did tell her that I want time to think, she still seems open to me. OW just humiliated me today but I do realize that is exactly what I deserve from both of them. I lied to OW about the extra paper i didn't file for the divorce. I thought it wouldn't go through, but I was promising her I would be divorced soon, while I was keeping my wife waiting telling her I didn't send the last paper.

Now I start grad school in 3 weeks, my divorce will be decided in 3 weeks unless I stop it, and I need to decide all of this.

OW is saying how she doesn't want to be involved with me anymore, how I made her cry at work and with her daughters, and how terrible I had been, but she wants to be friends. She thinks I will just go back to my wife.

I wish I could just tell OW to buzz off. I wish I didn't have such attraction to her. I wish I never fell in love with her.
1 1/2 years with her and now she wants to be my friend, I don't think I can do it. I should tell her that. She always tries to keep me even when she flat-out rejects me and humiliates me. I wish I could say goodbye.

This quote really blew me away....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wish I could just tell OW to buzz off. I wish I didn't have such attraction to her. I wish I never fell in love with her.
1 1/2 years with her and now she wants to be my friend, I don't think I can do it. I should tell her that. She always tries to keep me even when she flat-out rejects me and humiliates me. I wish I could say goodbye. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you find this troubling? This is a scenario that YOU constructed. One that you brought on yourself.

However, it is ALSO one that you placed on your WIFE. She didn't ask for it, nor want it, I'm sure.

That exact quote could have been spoken by your wife about you, and probably are her feelings towards you to some degree.

Tell me, blah....Why are you so eager to place people in situations that you damn3d well do not want to be placed on you?

This whole shebang is your making. I see an attitude of which you are determined to satisfy yourself, and you don't give a rat's behind who you trample on in the process. You have shown to me that you hold an attitude of which it doesn't bother you to "poop" on someone, but you don't want to be "pooped" on.

My very wise Dad taught me that if you "stir up poop", you are bound to get it on yourself as well in the process.

You tore it up. You fix it. You hold all the cards.

Be a man.

HCII

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: hcii ]</small>