My husband left me 3 1/2 months ago. He'd been talking alot to a Female co-worker that had many problems in her life (single mother living w/her parents). When He left me he said he just wanted out and had come to realize there was much more he wanted to do with his life. Soon after he left me he got together with OW. I asked him if he had been having an affair while we were together and he said no. I believed him 'cause he has never lied to me before, but then again he has been a completely different person lately. I don't know if he's still with this OW but if he is, Is it considered an affair now? Even if we're already separated?

If both of you are still married to each other, then yes it is an A(affair).

Being separated does NOT make a spouse single again with freedom to start a romantic relationship with another person. And if he thinks otherwise, ask him if during the separation you won a lotto jackpot, would he consider he had a right to half the money? His answer may surprise you.

Hi,

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry you are going through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

There is no doubt in my mind that your husband was having an EA (emotional affair) before he left and it may possibly have been a PA (physical affair) as well. Of course he said no... they all do. I know you want to believe him... and he may be telling the truth.. but I would bet my last dollar that he isn't.

You need to decide if you want this marriage back, and if you do, I would read Surviving an Affair and start Plan A.

I'm glad you found this site. It was a god send to me and I believe it's what saved my marriage. There are soo many kind and caring people with such helpful advise.

Good luck and keep us posted. You'll find lots of wonderful support.

H&S

Thank You for your replies. Yes, I do believe he was having an EA before he left. Isn't that how they usually start? I don't know if it was a PA before he left me but I do know it was after he left. Yes, I definitely want this my marriage back but it is so much harder 'cause he doesn't. We've seen each other about 3 times since he left. What am I supposed to do to try to make things work? We haven't really talked about US since that night he left. We've emailed back and forth and he's told me many times that we're just THRU, DONE, FINISHED! I'm afraid of hearing those words straight out of his mouth. Should I take the risk and talk to him and tell him I'm willing to work things out if he is? I need advice.

One quick question...

What is D-day?

d-day = discovery day - day the affair was discovered.

Hello H98,

There are many ways to go about telling your WS (wayword spouse) that you love him and want to work on your marriage. But just because you tell him doesn't mean he will say "Oh ok, she wants to work it out, so I will return home". Doesn't work like that. First you have to stop the begging, crying, emailing, pleading for him to return (if that is what you are doing). That doesn't work. It only angers the WS and makes them not want to communicate with you at all. They don't want to keep feeling the guilt everytime they have contact with you. Read about Plan A and there are a list of books that this site mentions which would be good for you.

hopeful98,

I know how you're feeling... the questions you have... wanting to go back in time... make things right again... but you can only go forward.

From my own experience, it was when I let go of trying to control him... trying to make him see things my way... I decided to live my life for me... I became a Big Sister, I bought a new red sports car, I made new friends and I went out and I had fun... I was happy and independent... this is what my H saw and admired... this is when he started coming back to me...

You need to Plan A. Do you understand what it is? Have you read up on it?

The most important thing is no relationship talk with your H. Be happy... have fun... let him see what he's giving up.

H&S

(I should add that the experience I’m talking about is not in my sig. line. My H and I moved in together when I was 23 and he was 22. 5 years later we broke up. (I've heard there's something with the 5 - 7 year mark and discontentment, affairs etc.) There was another girl involved but at the time I believed him when he said it wasn't why we broke up. I planned A (not knowing at the time of plan A just something I did) and we got back together. We went to counselling and things got back on track and we married the next year.

My sig. line is what happened most recently. Which is why it’s important to deal with this properly the first time. I didn't think he had an A back then - only when I started reading here and dealing with his EA did I realize it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Hurt & Sad ]</small>

Regarding the lottery scenario, I would think that most WS's would say something that is consistent with something like "money doesn't matter when I've found my true love" kind of reasoning. Especially when one is talking about hypotheticals.

So I'm curious what the "surprise" answer would be.

H&S, Thank You! It's good to hear encouraging words and advice from someone that's been there. I haven't really read Plan A yet but I'm headed there right now.

It's hard to live my life for ME, since I've lived it for H almost 5 years already. I really want my M to work but I do have to get up and keep living.

I'm glad to hear things are working out in your M. Any other advice?

hopeful98,

Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you.

How are things going? Have you read Plan A?

Try not to let what he says about being thru bother you... I know it's hard... but it's fog talk. I've heard it and I think everyone else here has as well.

Something else that helped my H and I get back together... we saw eachother at least every other week, sometimes each week. I always had a reason... the dog needed a sitter... something needed done at the house that only he could do... etc. But each and every time I saw him, I looked great and I was on my way out... busy living my life. Sometime he seemed so sad... I really felt sorry for him.

Do you have contact with your H? How frequent? What is your relationship like when you're not talking about what's happening? Is he making himself available to you?

Sorry for all the questions.. could you let us know how you're doing?

H&S

Thank You H&S!

I'm doing pretty good. Yes, I've read Plan A. I didn't really understand it much but I found NSR and he has given me a good link to a more detailed one.

Fog talk, huh? It just hurts so much but I will not let it bother me anymore.

I've only seen him 4 times since he left. Two days after when he came to get some of his stuff. A week later when he talked to me about wanting a divorce. One other time at his mom's house for dinner and then 2 weeks ago when he asked to meet with me to go over some bills and our taxes. I'll try now what you say. Yes, he also seems VERY sad. Everyone that sees him feels so sorry for him 'cause he's so depressed. He won't admit it to me, of course. He just says he looks that way 'cause I'm there but that this is his life now.

I really don't have much contact with him. In 3 1/2 months, I've only seen him 4 times. I used to email him but he told me to stop and that he prayed I had a good life. We've never really talked about what's happening. The last time I met him we just pretty much talked about everything else but that. Last night he called me and I asked if I could meet with him to talk. I'm so nervous but I need to tell him how I feel. He's the kind of person that would not want to come back because of all the pain he has caused. He'll probably say somethin like...You deserve someone better. All I've done is hurt you. I just KNOW he's going to say that! Is that Fog talk as well?

I've been praying alot for guidance and to say the right words to him. I don't expect him to make a decision. I just need to tell him what's on my mind (nothing mean). I feel that if I never give it a try and things don't go the right way, I'll always feel that I didn't even give it a try and blame myself for it. What do you think of all this?

I don't mind the questions. There's so much I haven't posted anyways. I just didn't know where to start. I know you've been thru the same things and I've read some of your old posts. You felt exactly how I feel now and it's comforting to know that you're still hanging in there. Thank You! I'll definitely keep you posted.

One more point...

When our friend Pastor asked him how long he had felt this way? (not loving me) He said for two years now. I was really shocked when I heard that but then I didn't believe it. I just remembered all the times he did and said such loving things. How could he have done all of that if he didn't love me? Is that also Fog talk? Have you guys heard the same things? How long does the Fog usually last? I remember about 2 or 3 weeks before he left me, I found some wedding bands on-line that I liked. I emailed them to him at his work and he emailed back and said they were nice and that if I wanted, we could go see them the next weekend at the mall. Why would he WANT to buy wedding bands if he didn't love me? (the reason we were looking for wedding bands is that ours were stolen almost 2 years ago) I just get so confused when I start thinking of all the things he said. Was he just trying to justify himself and to make others believe that what he was doing was right, since he DID deserve to be happy? I want to know what your experiences have been. I'm just very CONFUSED right now.

I think it is Fog talk. My WW told me that it was for 'years' maybe 7 or 8. Then it was all 9 that we were married and the way she felt on the wedding day, then it was 2 years. She too would tell me she loved me several times a day, that she wanted to die at the same time as me so she would never be without me etc. All up to 3 or 4 months ago when this hell started <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by est:
<strong>Regarding the lottery scenario, I would think that most WS's would say something that is consistent with something like "money doesn't matter when I've found my true love" kind of reasoning. Especially when one is talking about hypotheticals.

So I'm curious what the "surprise" answer would be.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reason I beleive this to be the case has to do with how a great many of the WS beleive that the BS, especially the BH, is still responsible for fulfilling such EN's as FS. So it's not so much of a stretch of the imagination that if the BS won the lottery, the WS would want to claim half of the winnings because s/he is still married.

It's definitely Fog talk then.

It's amazing how many cruel and painful things they'll say when they're in the fog. It really is like an alien has taken the body of my H. I'm not going to let his painful words get to me anymore. Just taking that attitude is helping me be much stronger.

I hope to some day be able to help others as much as MB is helping me. I know that I'm barely starting the work in getting my M back but I feel confident that I am going to do the right things. I know that I may not be able to get the results I want but I'm definitely going to try.

attagirl Hopeful!

I know how frustrating that alien talk is. I too feel stronger and more hopeful now.

Make sure you look after yourself during this time - have you been to a doc for anti-depressants?

S

Yes, I am looking after myself. No, I haven't gone to the doctor for any anti-depressants. I'm doing alot better now.

I met with him last night. I told him everything I had to say (nice, of course). I feel much better for letting him know. I feel like a load has been taken off my back. I know that this might now convince him to come back or anything but it will definitely make him think about it. I was VERY strong and did NOT cry. I wanted to but I didn't. At moments I thought HE was going to cry. Thank you for all your help here.

Hi hopeful98,

You sound good! I can tell you've been doing lots of reading. Good for you... I know it really helped me.

So you talked with your H... and it sounds like he might be a little remorseful? Did he give you hope or is he still in the fog? Did he admit to having an A? Is he still seeing her?

Sorry for all the questions again... but lets see where you're at and where you should go from here.

You should be proud of yourself - you did good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You really do sound strong and in control.

H&S

Hi H&S,

Yes, I've been doing alot of reading. My TV hasn't even been turned on for weeks now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I talked to my H. I didn't really get any type of reaction. He just sat there and stared at me. I did notice his eyes get a bit red a few times but that was it. No, he didn't really give me hope but he didn't reject me either. I guess that's good. No, he didn't admit having an A but I never really brought it up. I'm not sure if he's still seeing her or not. (they work together though) I did notice a child seat in his SUV and some tweety stickers on the windows (he's always been very protective of his MANLY SUV). OW has a 5 year old but I think she's a little big for a seat. He told a friend Pastor of ours 2 weeks ago that he was not seeing her anymore but I guess things can change (especially if he still sees her everyday at work) I'll just assume he is seeing her.

That's the last I heard from him. I don't really want to contact him for a while 'cause I really want him to think about all I told him. He was very nice to me when we met. He even complimented my hair (I've dyed it). That is something he NEVER did before. I used to ask him what he thought of my hair and his response was always something like....yeah, whatever, it's your hair. I guess that's another plus.

Any advice on what I should do now? I just recently ordered the book "Surviving An Affair" and can't wait to get it in the mail. I've just been praying alot and asking for guidance and LOTS of patience.

Yes, I am proud of myself. Thank You!

I really think my Faith in God is what's kept me strong. And of course, this website.

Any more encouragement and advice will be welcomed. Thanks

H98