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How do you know she's not that great? He left his family for her and lost most of our relationships...and he doesn't seem to care about those losses??? Top ten reason why ARK believes she's NOT THAT GREAT 10. He has made little to NO movement for bringing in to his world full time REGARDLESS of your continued belief that she is ms. wonderful..some WS announce their is someone else and move that day... 9. Their relationship has little to no chance really making it...statistically... 8. the fact that your husband is such a perfectionist... (among other things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) 7. It's a long distance relationship with miniscul contact. 6. their relationship is born of deceipt and pain for which they alone are ressponsilbe for...AND he has yet to acknowledge one OUNCE of ownership in any of that.... 5. He hasn't left relationships because he has chosen to..it is because he is unable to face himself and actions.... 4. She doesn't even know who Barry Mannilow is... 3. Husband can't even take of own daughter without mommies assistance..seeks out only those who accept his poor behavior... 2.. It's been years that he has dragged this out...not the actions of someone who is sure of anything 1. Top ten reason she's not that great... because Terr...SHE'S not YOU>...nope you're not perfect...but you are a great mom....you have faced and conquered tasks you never imagined you could...you have friends who believe in you and love you..(all you need to do is believe them)...you make great grilled brushetta....and SHE can not, will not ever replace you...YOU are irreplacable... and he knows it...he has dug himself in so deep daylight is a long time away from him...and you my friend are closer to being a long time gone from his nonsense... ARK
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Terri,
I agree with Ark that your H's actions show that though he is very confused, he really hasn't wholeheartedly thrown in his lot with the OW.
You aren't divorced.
He's not pushing you with the papers that he has served.
She's not here, he's not there--if he/they were certain, one of those would be true.
He's not making frequent trips, she hasn't appeared with him.
As far as affairs go, this is pretty low on action.
I know that it still hurts you, no matter what their involvement is...but he doesn't act like a man who driven to be with her.
He acts more like a man who doesn't know what he wants. But you do know he doesn't like that you've chosen to cut down on contact with him.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm sorry you had a bad weekend.
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Hello all...and thank-you for helping me to make it through another joyless day. Just motions today. No attachment to anything. I used to love work but my H accused me of putting all my passion into work long ago and forgetting about him...since then, it's not the same. Maybe he was right to a certain degree but I loved him. And loving him inspired me to be ambitious and do well so that "we" would do well. Ark, Big hug, OK? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has made little to NO movement for bringing in to his world full time REGARDLESS of your continued belief that she is ms. wonderful..some WS announce their is someone else and move that day... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He used to claim that he was waiting for the perfect time, when everyone would be over me and him, when his mother/father were more used to the idea before bringing her into HIS world. To some degree, I believe this. He's become very calculating. He has a plan. Wait a few years. Then bang, bring her here and no one will care about Terri and H... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a long distance relationship with miniscul contact. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think they talk every day or close to it...isn't that ALOT of contact?? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She doesn't even know who Barry Mannilow is... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL...you got me... Lor, Big hugs to you too... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that it still hurts you, no matter what their involvement is...but he doesn't act like a man who driven to be with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But isn't this whole situation DRIVEN by him? He left me, his daughter, his life...to be with HER, to honour HER, to prove to HER that he could do this FOR HER... Sorry, I'm hurt. Love to all of you.
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Help me. My H called me. He doesn't get the silence. I courteously did not respond to any of his comments. Said he doesn't want to call my mother or his mother to find out D's whereabouts. Says he doesn't like this SILENCE thing. The lawyer will resolve this.
Asked about where it stood. Did I contact his lawyer, etc. etc. I guess his lawyer hasn't let him know that I sent him a letter????
Do I need to reinforce that I am not trying to hurt him?
Do I need to resend the Plan B letter???
HELP.
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Well well well, he wanted out of the marriage so he left, didn't matter what you wanted.
He started preparing for seperation because HE WANTED TO, didn't matter what you wanted.
Now he doesn't want SILENCE, he doesn't want to go through the channels for D's schedule, but he wants to verbally abuse you. Do you see a pattern here T? It's all about what HE WANTS. Typical of the WS. They can't handle Plan B because they have no control over you anymore. He wants CONTROL AGAIN. This is not about what he wants anymore, this is about YOU. Send the Plan B letter again.
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I would re-send the Plan B letter T.
He doesn't understand the silence??? Was your letter clear? I think the best option is to re-send it.
Its a shame that you spoke to him. I think your silence is having a powerful effect on him. I think he's going through withdrawal from you. And each contact gives him a "fix".
And he wants to control the situation. Wouldn't it be nice for him if you just go along with whatever he wants and let him treat you however he wants?
Speaking as the WS -- Plan B is the most powerful tool you have. I'm also a controller -- Plan B would've freaked me out. Use it to your best advantage T!!!
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Hello and thanks. I resent the Plan B letter although my H isn't good at fine details. Normally skims through instead of fully understanding and it was probably not important enough to him to understand. But I took your advice and resent it anyway. Hi Trying, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's all about what HE WANTS. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is. How do they ever change? How do they ever think differently? Hi Lex, Hope you and the kids are well. I'm sorry I answered too! I did it so self consciously and answered "terri speaking" in a really CHEERY tone...H responded with a equally cheery (mocking) voice, "Hi" My mouth dropped. H said "it's me." That just THREW me off. Wanted to call and ask whether he was getting a letter from my lawyer soon (asked angrily and sarcastically). Then, I cried and left the office with the excuse that I was going to an afternoon seminar. My boss will probably kill me or fire me soon but I just had to go. I've only done that one other time...the day after d-day. I will continue in my Plan B efforts although I feel like the bad guy. Thanks to you.
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Terri ... "I feel like the bad guy."Pepper picks up featherweight MB wiffle-style 2X4 .... standing over Terri, Pepper swings ...... ~~~~~swish~~~~~ >>>>>>> thwack!<<<<<< Terri giggles, wipes her laughing eyes, and realizes she just said a remarkably [censored], co-dependent thing. Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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It's all about what HE WANTS.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it is. How do they ever change? How do they ever think differently?
terr,,
Is that exactly what you are offering him...the opportunity to THINK DIFFERENTLY...that is what your Plan B is partly about...
He has ALWAYS gotten what he WANTs.....always...
you gave it out of love...without resentment...
and now because he wants to break up the family....go with other people AND AND AND....have everyone be happy about it...AND AND AND for you take all responsibility for it....
oh he's just deciding to learn the hard way...that it really IS NOT ALL about him..
HIS actions have direct consequance on those he professes to love and care for..
seperate yourself from those actions terr...
all you have told this man..is that you still hold on to some love for him...and you still believe that somewhere deep down in all his denial and fog...still lingers a good heart....
nothing "bad guyish" about that at all....
Plan B...relish in the seperation and removal from his games and pain....
BE good to YOU....
ARK
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well my my... I do declare!!! I do believe pepperband just called you a [censored]!!! says ark in her most STEEL MAGNOLIA Olympia Dukakis like southern accent immitation... batting her eyes...feeling faint.... then laughing a little...but smiling a lot...... time to dust yourself off...Terr...pepperband's right...you and your [censored]...just fell off of the perverbial Plan B horse...dust yourself off...and hoist your dashing size 1 self back in the saddle.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ARK
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Now T, if you are still wobbling from Pepper's whack attack!!! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'd like to note that you can now use that phrase....'but this is what you want', when your H tries to talk to you. When you agree and he gets angry, respond politely, 'trying to do what you want....can't always understand you but I am trying, will try harder next time'. Don't clarify what that means. Didn't commit to saying what kind of harder or anything. Leave 'em hanging ....... onto your words. He can't handle your NC. Just watch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> L.
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I did NOT call Terri a "[censored]" .... I said it was a [censored] remark! (huge difference) Ever listen to Dr. Laura? When a "good and decent" person (such as our Terri) feels "like the bad guy" for establishing their rightful boundaries, Dr. Laura calls them on their mis-placed guilt. She calls it stupid guilt. Terri ..... you are not a bad guy, and this "feeling" is not helping you or your child. Love and kisses!!!!!! Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <small>[ June 25, 2003, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Uh OH... Pepperband we know you didn't call her a [censored].... It just cracked me up.... "did NOT call Terri a "[censored]" .... I said it was a [censored] remark! (huge difference)" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Soooo if I tell my husband he "sounds " like an [censored]...technically I am not calling him an [censored]...hhmmmm AND technically if Dr. Laura wasn't regulated by the FCC her mantra could instead of now go DO the right thing... could be... now go and DON'T say [censored] things!!!!!!!!! I am just playin with ya'll..AND would like to take this moment to offially say... That Pepperband DID not call Terr a name AND that while Terrified is not and has never been a [censored] ...her husband has been and continues to be one!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ARK all in fun
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Ark^^ and Pep, however, are and will forever be "SMARTASSES"
<small>[ June 25, 2003, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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There is nothing I hate worse... than a smartass nurse... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And here we are blessed with two of them... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Susan
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Hey Susan... This won't hurt a bit!!!!!!! or do you prefer.. Just a little pinch... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ARK
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just a little pinch please... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Ark, I have a wonderful new cherry congealed salad recipe you would just love for your jello recipe collection. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Nice and cool for summer... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Susan
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yummmm Jello... been thinking about jello IMPLANTS!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> might solve all my problems on marriage builders AND inspire me with more recipes!!!!! By the way Terrified...did we scare you away.. please come back....no one will call you names... ARK
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Wow...I'm just picking myself up. It's taken that long, Pepper!! Look what you've done to what little self esteem I have left... Kidding...LOL Actually, I'm quite enjoying the humour and the banter between all of you! Kind of makes me, okay, laugh. Ark, nothing scares me nearly as much as what used to pre-A! Being labelled a [censored] is heavenly compared to the names my H has called me!! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that while Terrified is not and has never been a [censored] ...her husband has been and continues to be one!!!!!!!!!!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can't speak to the truth of the first part but the second...well, does MB allow the raking of the WS over the coals??? Okay, on a serious note, have to tell all of you, that in Plan B, my family is becoming DIFFICULT. Most of my family thinks I'M trying to be difficult by avoiding him at all costs. For D's sake, they say, be nice to him??? Someone said that Plan B sometimes mean Plan B'ing your family too...do you believe that to be true?? Hugs DA <small>[ June 26, 2003, 06:20 AM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>
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I did not want to forget to shout out a big ol' thank YOU ~mahalo~ to Orchid (Marriage Builder's big "O") <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The "I'm trying to do what you want" "I can't always understand you" "I will try harder" This will be TOTALLY helpful for me dealing with my relationship with WTS (wayward teenage son) It's nearly perfect for my current needs!!!!!!! whoooopeeeeee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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