Hi all-

Nothing major to report.

After kicking it around with you guys, trying to "go dark" and basically throwing my hands up in the air and just deciding to simply focus on "me" and forget everything else, small things have started to happen.

First, I decided to just let it be and started just "being" in my life. I'm a lot happier because I'm not constantly trying to figure out if X is noticing me or not.

Well, guess what, I started being a kid again. Living life through the eyes of DS. Trying things that scare me, and getting a thrill once I've done it...all the while X sits at the sidelines staring at his feet. He was looking majorly frustrated and unhappy. Sitting there watching the action, instead of participating.

It strangely reminded me of the times when I was in the FOG wanting to be a part of things, but holding back because of my devotion to OM. It was eerie to see him there now, and me living my life. Making small steps to living life as a complete person. I realized that I am so far beyond that now...and grateful to be through it.

I don't ever want to lose myself that way again.

Well since that day...X has complimented my appearance twice, he's been starting up small conversations, and I have been feeling a strong desire for the "friendhip" with him that we shared for so long. It's hard to describe, but I don't even care for the romantic link. I just miss having him to talk to the way we used to...

After talking with Cerri, we decided to do a 6 week plan-a, followed by a firm Plan-b.

On to yesterday.

I saw X in the morning when he picked DS up. Ds handed him a homemade card and a Home Depot GC. X was very touched. After a few minutes he came over and gave me a hug. While hugging him, I told him happy father's day, gave him a kiss ob his neck, and told him I loved him. He said: "I Love you too". It was a natural as it had been before all of this started. I was again shocked, but didn't make a big fuss about it. We just carried on the conversation as if nothing significant happened.

Both of us kept trying to stall the moment by coming up with things to discuss...finally, I wished him a fun day and left. It was wonderful. Of course I wanted to go with them. I was happy just the same...

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

This is great...and I agree with Cerri. If these are buds of possibly him wanting something else from you, a little Plan A "water" might get them growing. I would still remain aloof, still keep doing what you are doing. You being happy with your life, like you said, as he watches from the sidelines, HAS to be part of the reason for the ILY from him.

So, stay aloof. Keep living life. Pray unceasingly. And you might be surprised in the end.

In His arms

MM-

Yes it was pretty great. I was convinced that he hated me and wished I would dissappear, He had stated that so many times....His latest behavior towards me is confusing because it's very contadictory to that. It's hard to know what he thinks or wants, so I stopped trying to figure that out. All I can do is be me.

I keep trying to convince myself that his ILY was a slip. Kind of the habitual response that you get into with someone. I haven't heard him say those three words in over a year. At first, I thought that I was imagining that he even said them. Truthfully, I don't believe he intended too. I believe that it suprised him too.

Oh well, I'm just grateful that he said them. If he's feeling loving towards me, then he has let go of his hatred. Maybe Cerri's right and now Plan-A might work because the animousity is not there anymore. I can make LB deposits because he might be receptive now.

I said it before though, I'd rather have him in my life as friends than to have that chaos again. Maybe he feels the same.

Hi Kily

You know it is very very weird how our situations often mirror at the same time - cosmic physic twin thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yesterday, I spoke with H for the first time in over 3 months for an hour and a half. I believe it was a turning point and maybe (like you) I hope that we could have a friendship of a kind - I will post later when I have time.

Maybe it was a slip by XBF, but even so, his guard was down enough that he did slip. In the past there has been so much anger and pain, it would never have happened. For whatever reason, he is clearly feeling more comfortable with you and your situation.

I do not know what you hope to achieve - whether it is still reconcilliation or at least to have a civil and warm relationship for the sake of DS, but you know I support you wholeheartedly in your efforts.

Thinking of you in scorching London Town.

Lisa

P.S. Just edited this post because of my awful spelling mistakes!!! Busy busy bee. What I wanted to say was that whether it was a slip or not, it is certainly something on his mind, he feels more comfortable about you.

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Thanks Lisa-

I look forward to your update. I know youe H loves you, he's just lost...we all are capable, it's how you deal with it that makes your character...

Hugs.

I don't see it as a slip, at least, perhaps it wasn't something he meant to say out loud, but I think the plain fact that he said it tells you that he does feel that way.

Just my 2 pennies.

ALS

ALS-

I don't think it was something he intentionally said. I think it was just a subconscious snafu on his part.

A part of me wants to grab on to it so desperately, but another part doesn't want to chase dreams anymore. I'm scared that I'll be pushed aside again. I'm scared that I'm wrong for trying to do this...

Time and patience. I'm pulling out all the stops in plan-a right now, and having FUN doing it. Nails polished, toenails too! Perfume, nice clothes, and maybe even a little makeup <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> the whole nine yards.

I actually started doing this last week because I wanted to treat ME good. I'm carrying myself confidently because I care about me...maybe THAT is what he's picking up on...

When I see him I am genuinely happy and my face lights up. I'm sure he sees the love in my eyes. It's been there for 9 months now....

THe other day, I made fun of him in a flirtsy kind of manner. He responded and laughed with me. Again I was suprised by his reaction becuase things were so tense prior to this.

Thanks for listening.

Kily,
Congratulations! I too had a little "Snafu" like that from my wife a couple of months before she finally admitted her feelings. Maybe this is a little bud that will grow. I wish you the best of luck.

God Bless

TM!!!!

How's it going? I hope your path in recovery is worth every ounce of pain you've been through.

Maybe there's hope for me yet but I'm not buying the farm based on 4 words.

As ALS told me, It's something for me to hold onto and build onto. At leasr I have that in my back pocket.

Hugs.

Kily,

Good to hear you sounding happy. Sounds like you are doing just what you need to do. Just my 2 cents, but I don't think it was a slip either. Men just don't say ILY that easily. I agree you shouldn't "buy the farm" but keep up the good work you are definitely headed in the right direction. Besides it sounds like you are having fun, and that is so important to making you whole again.

Sharon

Sharon-

I think in the grand scheme of things, I am at a place where I'm ready for closure no matter which way it swings.

I've done all I can and I am whole. I can't ask for more than to be forgiven for my choices. For me, if Plan-a allowed that type of healing then it was the best thing I could do.

I read your thread and want to say that I'm very happy for you. I wish that I could say that I exited the court ordered class without a tear, but I can't. For me, my son is so young that I will always regret not being able to give him Mom and Dad in a loving partnership.

Mom and Dad not angry at each other is a good second.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hi Kily;
Wanted to drop in, and I'm glad to see you doing as well as you are.

Thanks for your post to me; those very words have been said to me by a dear, dear friend, and I've said them myself many a time!

Thanks for the reminder on a day when I needed it!!!

All my love,

SC-

That's why we're here. You have given me much to reflect on through your journey. I'm glad I could give back some when you needed it.

Thanks for peeping in here...I am at peace and that is the best thing in the world. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kily,
I agree with ALS. Don't sell the farm, as it's only a sign, not a miracle. My only advise is let yourself feel what you feel. If you start throwing walls up again it may be a lost opportunity. Go with what YOU FEEL is right, not what you THINK might be right or wrong, trust your gut it won't steer you wrong.

Hi TM-

See that's the problem. My instincts keep screaming that he's really thinking about trying again. His actions don't say that though. There's too much magnetism between us but we see each other so little that it's hard to build on.

Yesterday, I thought he was scanning this thread. I saw a newbie (registered yesterday) that strangely looked similar to OM's last name with X's birthdate attached to the end of it. When I checked, this person was only peering in at my thread. I was so scared and nervous, but excited at the same time. I felt naked and exposed, but thrilled too!

My insdie voice is "expecting" a post from him soon. Does this sound crazy. I keep scanning the boards just waiting for his post.

Now I'm disappointed because I foolishly allowed myself to hope...no sign of that lurker again.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Why would he even register if he's planning on lurking. It feels like he wants me to KNOW that he's looking, but doesn't want to TALK about it. I'm frustrated and that's why I don't want to have hope. Should I try just asking him directly? I feel foolish for thinking that I even have a chance. He'll say "no" and I will stand there crushed...again.

Things are so screwed up, but I KNOW in my heart we could get there. We both have to be willing to committ to it though and stick with it. I'm so open to discuss it, why isn't he?

Sorry, I need to add more...I mean I know that she's living there and all. I'd be willing to just touch the surface to see what if anything is there and what could be done to changethe situation in a fair manner for everyone.

Is it wrong for me to want to even explore that potential?

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Again, I say go with your gut. His actions will largely depend on what his mind is telling him, they are conscious things that he controls. Maybe the space is actually helping your situation, that way he has more of an opportunity to miss you and wonder because your not right there. Classic Plan A. Leave him with the best of Kily and he doesn’t see the worst.

I too have thought on several occasions that my wife had logged on and was lurking, unfortunately that’s not the case (at least not that I know of). It may be him, or it may just be someone who’s out there lurking. If it is him maybe he’s trying to get a handle on things, see what your up to, see why it is that you come here. Maybe he’s not comfortable enough to talk about it yet, this would be a safe avenue to explore if he’s thinking about reconciliation but afraid at the same time. But, don’t get your hopes up it may not be him.

As far as asking him, you can if you want, but don’t expect an honest answer. Chances are you will catch him off guard and he will respond with his “action” answer which will be “ha ha, are you kidding?” And yes, you will be crushed. Give him time, it it’s meant to be he can’t fight the feelings for long.

Now, let me reflect just a tad bit. Remember a couple of months ago when I was ready to give up? You and some others refreshed my memory as to why I was here in the first place, and I continued on. Then I asked my wife if she was changing her mind (her actions were speaking different than her words) and she laughed and said NO. I was crushed, and I withdrew. In my mind I mentally divorced her that night because I couldn’t take the pain and hurt any longer. The next week I started talking to the coffee shop girl, we saw each other at a bike rally, and my wife told me she loved me for the 1st time in 6 months, and decided she wanted to stay. ALL IN THE SAME WEEKEND! After that I withdrew a little, and now I’m starting to allow myself to feel what it is that I feel, and stop protecting myself. (see my latest post for more details).

I guess what I’m trying to say is be prepared to get hurt again, it will happen. Don’t give up on your gut, go with it. And, when something finally does happen don’t seclude yourself in your self-protection mode because it will only cause more turns and hills on the roller coaster. Go with what and how you FEEL.

Good Luck and God Bless

I'm on the downside of the rollercoaster today.
Can you believe that for the first time in close to two years I am feeling homesick. I miss my house, I miss my yard, I miss the trees in the back and the brook that overflows when it's raining.

Why does this hit me now? It's been so long that I didn't think it would happen...

I keep thinking that maybe I'm really finally having full withdrawl from X. I keep wanting to talk to him and spend time with him, and I realize that it's not ever going to be like that again. Kind of sad.

He actually called me at work today. I wanted so much to believe that it was because he missed me. He was simply checking on DS and sharing small details. It was nice to have this small conversation with him. We stopped having those for some time.

Just this morning I realized while I was taking my shower that in less than a year, he will be married to someone else. I'm still shocked at that reality. I am happy for him. I still have a hard time believing that we aren't together anymore. Weird, but I still feel like it was only yesterday that I was home in bed there in my house. It's been almost two years!!! WOW.

The funny thing is, lately I've felt the same way that I did when Mortarman was seeking answers on whether his wife was really coming out of the fog. That same feeling that I also felt when reading lucidity's post. The best way to describe this feeling is that it is one resonant frequency inside of me that rings like a bell continuously and it's at a pitch that I recognize as "truth".

Well, when I think about X, this same "feeling" happens. My instinct tells me that he is going to return to me, even though the logic and situation appear as if he isn't. SO Still Seeking if you're reading this...THAT is why I've tried to hold on for so long.

I am confused though, because he shows no real interest in me other than hi and bye. I do not push, and no longer dwell around him, but it does seem to me that he is more friendly the last few days. I want to believe so badly that he's finally coming around. I do not wish to read into too far. I'm tired of that dynamic and I don't wish to waste any more energy there.

I guess I'm just at the point where I don't want to play the games anymore. I'm tired of second guessing, tired of waiting, and I simply want the honesty to happen. This is old for both of us.

It's hard though because now he is showing small signs that he might be testing the water...I just down play that because I don't want to get hurt. So I suppose I now understand MM, TM, and a few other's positions when they were ready to walk away and their WS deicded to come home...I can even understand why X said "no" to me and turned to someone else.

So maybe I'm making baby steps, and maybe he is too...

The question now is, do I still listen to that inner voice or do I tell it that it's wrong and continue to walk away?

There are often things our hearts know that our heads don't understand.

I trust you.

SS

Kily,
I think I know where you are at, and I feel for you. Unfortunately you are the only one who can make that choice, and you are the only one who knows which choice to make. Ask youself this:
Do I want to walk away now from what could possibly be the best thing in my life (and protect myself from maybe getting hurt), or do I want to stick out the pain a little longer and be able to walk away later (if necessary) saying that I have done everything I could possibly do?

Does it sound familiar? It's very similar to what you told me a few months back. It's your choice Kily, and you know your X better than anyone else (probably even himself). I don't want to push you one way or the other, but I know where you are. If you look back on my situation many people told me it was hopeless, she was done and not coming back. But, I saw signs otherwise. Sometimes when I would ask her about them whatever it was she was doing/saying would stop. That's because she didn't realize she was doing it, when I brought it to her attention she would stop because that's not what her MIND wanted. But her HEART couldn't help it.

I don't know what it will take for your X to come around. Your situation is much more complicated than mine. I have only been here for 7 months, you have been doing this for nearly 2 years. Your X has someone else living with him, that also complicates things more. It may take more time and effort.

But, the bottom line is if you FEEL that he is turning around than maybe he is. Listen to your heart and try to ignore your mind. Granted, we have self defense mechinisms that keep us sane, and we have to use them as they were designed. But, if your mind is telling you something, and your heart is telling you something else, and there is a BIG conflict then listen to your heart.

I hope this helps some, I'll be praying for you.

Good Luck and God Bless

Still Seeking-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I trust you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you. Somehow you knew exactly what I needed because the minute I read these words, the dam broke and I was able to cry. Let me tell you, I cried the wat a young child does...no holding back. I didn't know how much I needed to do this.

After thinking about it a long time, I realized that this was exactly RIGHT. I don't trust my feelings and instincts. I keep looking for validation through X's actions. They're there but they're so small that my taker wants to disreagard and run away...

This weekend was really rough for me. DS finished K-garten and had a very depressed reaction to the loss of his teacher. He was hostile, angry, and basically unreachable. This coupled with the blues I was feeling just made it very tough to get through.

He and I had a conversation about it and we decided taht we would write his teacher letters. This way he wouldn't think she abandoned him - as everyone else he loved has. Interestingly enough, he opened up to me that when dad and GF are around DS gets NO attention and it hurts him. He said that he doesn't like GF and wants her to go away. I thought about what he was saying and then rephrased it this way: "DS are you sure that you don't like her? Maybe it's that you like her, but you don't like being ignored when she and dad are together? He agreed. I just didn't think he knew how to articulate what he was feeling.

I explained that she might be there forever. I told him that I couldn't fix that, but I promised that I would not treat him that way. (I did during the FOG) No one will EVER be more important than the kids again....

X suprised the heck out of me though. On Friday he willingly picked DS up from school and drove him here to my job (30 minutes away) so I wouldn't have to drive down there and back! This is completely out of character for him as I have shouldered the burden because DS has stayed in school near where X lives.

Then on Sunday, DS brings me a plate of brownies! Dad said that Ds wanted to bring them for me. Ds later volunteered that they were for his new daycamp. Not sure WHAT to think and I don't want to read into it. I just thought that it was really strange and I didn't want to eat them because I couldn't stop thinking that GF helped DS make them....brownies ARE my favorite though so I did break down after they stared me in the face for a couple of hours....mmmm....mmmm....good.

Not sure what all of this means. It's just confusing amd I'm ovewhelmed with the thoughts taht I was never good enough and never will be. I know that it's just my taker, but I feel like she has everything over me and that nothing I did in the years that I knew X can ever compare to what she's given him in 9 months. My heart knows differently but it's hard to hold on when you're in the dumps....

Thanks Again...