Blah ...

Being "her everything" flatters YOU.

This is in the long term, actually very UN-loving.

The "you complete me" fantasy relationship is a trap.

Do you see this?

Respectfully, Pep

Blah,
I kind of understand what you are saying about wanting your spouse to plan B you. I kind of said something similar in my post. It's not that you're into self torture, it's more that you want to be able to see what you have and stand to lose. You want to be able to feel that you aren't in control and that you really could lose your M. You want to feel like you can't walk all over your W, take her for granted and she'll always be there. You crave the "chase" of the R. You want to know what you have and not take it for granted and the only way that you think you can have those feelings is if your wife plan B's you because then you will feel like your wife doesn't need you and you could lose her. You want that "thrill of the chase" back in your M. Am I kind of going in the right direction here????
NL

Pepp,
yes i see your point. I got all that from OW, she makes me feel so good, and handsome, and strong, and sexually capable, and wanted, and needed...it is such a powerful feeling for me and it is incredibly hard, almost impossible for me to live without it now. I am trying. T\But trying to have my wife replace her is also nearly impossible. You can imagine I have had this affair for 1&1/2 years, and how could someone equally replace her charm and way of relating to me? Cannot....so I feel such let down because i need and want that same way of relating. I want to feel OW's love and I want to express my love for her. How can I do that with my W in this condition?

NL,
yes I want my wife to be more assertive, because wherever the relationship is, she must still remain strong and keep her values, because if she compromises or just gives in all the time, she will later blame herself for not being stronger, and I will blame myself for not being more responsible.

Blah,
I was involved in 2 A and the most recent one lasted a year and a half as well. I am now NC x 3 days. It is hard, it's very hard!! But, what's making it harder for you is that you keep comparing how you felt in the relationship with OW with how you feel in your M. You can't do that because it's not a fair comparison. Stop obsessing about how OW made you feel and how you don't feel that w/ your W. I think you need to stop trying to force feelings w/ your W because they're not going to be there right now. Stop focusing on that part of it right now. You need to start working on you and what you want, what makes you happy (but not in terms of a relationship, in terms of life in general). Forget about any relationship right now, just focus on you. I think that will help you no matter what path you end up choosing. But, if nothing else, stop obsessing about how you felt with OM compared to with W.
We are very similar in alot of ways and I think if we help each other maybe it'll give us ways to fill our spare time rather than obsessing about the OP.
NL

Blah,

Work with me on this point (meaning: hear me out), ok????

When you are walking by a mirror, do you look at yourself? Make sure there are no major flaws? Do you obsess over found flaws?

When you walk by a mirror with you and your W, do you look at yourself, both or just your W?

How about with when you walk by a mirror with OW?

Why do I ask this? Because what I see as others have mentioned is that your reasons for having an A, being M or even D appears to center around Blah....what is good or bad for Blah. Does your W know you do this? What is her opinion?

Maybe your W thinks that by taking you back, she is helping you. Can't say the OW is doing the same but she might. OW may not be a monster but to the M she might as well be. OWs have no desire to strengthen an A, they may say that and when they do, you'd better look for a forked tongue in their mouth, then look for the venom.

Anyway, in order for your M to succeed, you really have to do more than just look at how you are faring. What are your W's needs? How are you meeting them and how can you improve in this area?

L.

New life, yes you are right I need to take the focus off of OW and focus on other things if I want it to work.

Orchid,
You are absolutely right. I am not doing the footwork so how can I expect anything good. I am just being lazy with W and her needs, selfish about mine, and looking for things that are wrong to me. I feel like I am setting myself up to fail

new*life,
can i get an email address from you? I want to say things that I dont want to broadcast. I agree that we could help each other

blah

Sure Blah,
it's Tkpnc@yahoo.com.

NL