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Hey everyone,

So much has happened since last Thursday I dont know where to begin. I am having problems with my pregnancy..I knew this was going to happen I dont have the strength to do this again.

Also H told me Sunday OW is pregnant also. But he does not think it is his. She has had unprotected sex with her Ex-Boyfriend in the past month. Well, regardless at this point I really dont think it matters.

H wrote me a letter last night and told me some things. He once again told me how sorry he was for everything and putting me in this position with him and being pregnant again. He also said he took advantage of me because he knew how strong my feelings for him are. He said he had totally, although not intentionally has done everything in his power to dismantle this marriage. He also said he has finally realized that his behavior has been selfish. He went on to say my passiveness in this situation has shocked him. He thinks I am not seeing clearly. He says he does not doubt my feelings but thinks this M is not what I really want. This particularly upset me, because I feel as though I have spent the past 5 months trying to make him see this is what I want. How do I make him understand this.

And finally he also wrote he thinks we should seperate soon. He wants to continue IC and MC. Basically he said to me he wants this seperation to hurt him like hell. He said he wants to cry his eyes out because we are not together. He said he wants to hear a song that reminds him of me and not be able to stand it. Maybe we do need sometime apart.

Pleas I really need some advice and input on this immediately.

What does his IC and your MC say? Sounds like fog and guilt talk on his part.

Lisa, I somehow missed you reply to my last post...just found it and read it. Why did he and his first wife Divorce? Do you know her, if so is his behaviour typical for him? You said your families know about the A...what have they said to him?

What does IC say his problems are? What about the MC?

I feel so bad for you I can't even imagine how I could go through this with 2 little ones and being pregnant. Do the older kids know what's going on?

Are you in IC? If not I would consider it..you sound so tired...you need some support.

Is your family local? Are they able to take the kids while you just get away and rest for a couple of days? I remember that at one point I was so tired and run down that I couldn't think straight at all.

I wish I could help!

Lisa,

First things first. {{{{{{{{HUGS!!}}}}}}}

I have questions also. What kind of complications are you having with pregnancy? What are you doing to take care of yourself and try to get yourself grounded?

Don't let WS throw you off because he thinks you are too passive. He is probably wanting you to LB so he can feel better about his A and blame you. Don't go there. You just plan A. You are doing a good job. Just because you are not flipping out does not mean that you don't want your marriage. Did WS ever think you might be in shock right now?

He wants to cry and miss you, and that is why he wants to separate? What does MC and IC say about that?

PLEASE take care of yourself. If you can't handle what WS is telling you just tell him no R or A talk right now, you need a break. Try to get some kind of normalcy in your home for you and your children's sake. Try to keep your stress levels down. If that means no drama, then keep yourself out of it as much as you can.

Worried about you. Please let us know how all is going.

Praying for you sweetie.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

4ever and MM

My H previous relationship was rocky from its inception. He left numerous times only to return and then leave again. Yes I know her because of the kids and she is somewhat of a wacko. She tended to also have a drinking problem when they were together. As far as him cheating on her, I dont know. I really dont know what his family has said to him, he really hasnt said and no one calls me. My family right now is basically avoiding him.

H doesnt really tell too much about IC and we have been to only about 4 MC together. Still in its infant stage so to speak.

My daughter (13) doesnt know what is exactly going on, but knows there are problems. She blames me and tells me all the time she feels sorry for H because he is married to me. She tells me I am destroying and ruining this family.
This is very painful to me because this is my daughter, and I dont want her to know what H has done. Maybe I shouldnt protect him anymore. The others really dont know anything. My 3yr does ask me just about everyday if I feel okay. He has seen me cry alot and is very sensitive to it. He asks me all the time if I am mad at Daddy and if Daddy is mad at you.

Yes, my family is local and help me all the time with the kids. They are always there for me.

I am having some spotting..they are telling me to take it easy. My Dr. knows the situation.

I guess I really dont know how to take anything his says right now. When I read the letter though, I did think he was sincere.

I have to put the little ones to bed.

13 year old daughters really are full of piss, aren't they? Mine turns 14 next week.

I think she needs to know the truth. She is old enough. She is getting ~vibes~ and has too little factual information to make an accurate and appropriate response.

Tell her the truth in the kindest and most age appropriate way possible.

It's tough being a teen in the dark when your adults are unraveling and you don't know why.

My opinion anyway.

Hope you are feeling better. sending prayers.

Pep

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Lisa , I have heard some of those very same words while H was in FOG ..

He tried to make me hate him , then told me he really didn't think I want M I was just USE to being with him ,, OR I was doing it cause I was jealous ..

YOU know what all was said, cuase they can't face their own reality ..

WS also can't handle the fact that he is hurting you and that you can still forgive and even love him through all that he is doing .

TRUE be told he doesn't like himself very much now so he feels worse having you love him .

THATS tough on him ,, but HE needs to work on that .
Their are so many emtions WS will go through in this FOG and most will never make sense .

DON'T try to make sense of it cause thats when you will become crazy ..

OK so he wrote you a letter the same back a forth that he has been doing ,, remorese one minute then anger ..and confusion ..

right now he is on his own rollercoaster ,, sometimes I know we BS think that it OUR rollercaoster with them but their is more then one ride here ..

Together ,, your own ,, and WS's own ..

yes in away they all connect but , it is important to separate them , he is not supporting you cause he has his own he can't cope with .

LISA their are things that in JMVHO BS can not help WS out with .

YES you can be there for there crash , and yes to lean on but ultmately WS has to make their own choice ..

THE same way they made it before , making their mistake they need to grow up and grow out of their selfish stage and choose to walk the right path ..

AGAIN JMVHO ,, but if he thinks running away will help him then so be it ..

YOU need to veiw a separation from your point not his ..

THIS will help you to clear your mind , to allow you to get the DRAMA out of your face for some time to calm down and be healther and strong to deal with your pregnacy .

REMOVING your self is so hard with ws home ,, that this separation could be what you need FOR YOU !!

I hope you know by my posts I do not preach PLAN B ,, CAUSE I myself did not do it ,, but that doesn't mean it does not work , or that it will not work for you .

IF anything separation will allow you to focuse your attention on YOU !!

PLEASE do not consider him separating that it means its over ,, it may very well be an excuse for him to run but may turn out to be what may bring you closer together in the long run ..

I 've heard it said, here that when WS wants to separtae that its an excuse to continue ther A .

OK I can go with that , and although very scary it will sometimes work to your benifit ..

HE will be able to see just what they have together "NOTHING"

I mean if OW has had unprtected sex with X-BF within the past month how much can she possiable feel for WS ??

I mean know matter what excuse she throughs his way I think reality will jump out at him ..

WHAT kind of R will they really have if she already is sleeping around ?

HE will see her true colers ..

WELL I have to stop rambling , I pray for you and your in my thoughts always .

PLEASE try and avoid their A ,, post to vent it helps to get things out ..

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>

Hey

Well OW went to the Drs. today to find out if she is really pregnant or not. I say this because she took a test Sat. nite and then called my home twice Sun. morning because H wasnt answering his cell phone. It came back positive. But then on Mon morning she tells H she is bleeding..and I asked him today if she was still bleeding and H said a little bit. I guess also the appt. was to find out how far along she is if she is pregnant. Basically what H is telling me is that if she is only 4weeks there is no possible way it is his. But if she is further along it could be his or ex-boyfriends. How F*&^ked up is this situation. H told me it doesnt really matter because she is not having the baby anyway.

I can not believe my life has been reduced to this. I am really starting to believe I have been in shock for the past 5 months. I keep thinking I am going to wake up from this hellish nighmare I call my life. Everything right now hurts soooo bad I cant even descibe it anymore. Maybe I dont want this M or him anymore. I have beared my soul to him the past couple of months like I have to no other and like I never will to anyone else ever and he can still destroy our life. What do I have as a H?? A liar, a cheat, a man who will forsake everyone he is suppose to love for his own satisfaction. Do I really want this person in my life and around my children. This is not how I want my children raised. I do know I will tell my children to trust no one in their life especially the ones who profess their love to them. What a wonderful lesson to teach these innocent lives. Their lives are about to become so complicated for them at a time when it should be the simplest time of their life.

If he is trying to convince me I dont want this he is doing a darn good job. What was that all about him saying he wants this seperation to hurt him so bad and all the other stuff I wrote in my post. How could I possibly have another baby with a M who has done this to me??? How does someone begin to recover from this?? I never thought in a million years H would be the source of my greatest pain. How do I continue to live this person?? Someone please help.

Oh, Lisa...my heart breaks for you! You are a strong person...my situation wasn't nearly as bad and I almost didn't make it.

When you talk to your H does he have any clue why he had the A and why he's still involved in it? Has he asked his IC what's wrong with him? What's his perfect world? What does he want in life? He sounds very messed up!

What type of person was he pre-A? Isn't there anyone at all in your lives who can intervene and talk to him?

Is there anywhere you can go for a few days just to get away from all the drama and stress and just concentrate on taking care of you and the baby? Maybe if you leave him with all the kids and real life and go away for a couple of days to "think" maybe he'll start waking up to the real world.

I wish I had some really sage advice to give you...you sound so EXHAUSTED and HOPELESS. Please consider going to IC yourself. You really need someone to help you through this, regardless of how your M turns out.

Hang in there your kids need you!

Lisa,

Just wanted you to know you are valued.

I understand how hard this is for you. You need to start distancing yourself regarding your H and ow. Keep away from the A. I know it is hard. However, dwelling on what is going on there is not helpingyou to be healthy. Not that any of what has been going on is healthy for your kids and unborn.

Please try to remove yourself from this triangle. To you it shouldn't mater what ow is going thru or whose child she might think she is carrying. This is sordid. You KNOW whose child it is that you and H have concieved. WS drama is not your drama.

You have a lot on your plate. You have some support. Please try to distance yourself from all that is going on. For your sake and family.

Realize that you cannot count on your H at this time. This is time for Lisa to make some decisions. Your have not asked for this. You may not be perfect, but you have to take care of you and kids. I know how much this hurts, but you need to distance, no A or relationship talk, just a lot of calm thought about what you and what you can do that is best for YOU and family. WS and what he is going thru cannot be part of what is the best for you. And that does not mean you LB. You know the routine. Plan A, but you need to set some boundaries.

WS is fogbound. Fogbound means no help whatsoever in decisions for future or what is best for all. You need to do that. I know it is hard, but you need to distance yourself.

In my VHO Plan B may be in order here. You make the decision. Just my opinion.

You did not ask for all this, expecially the new pregnancy. Spotting means a lot of stress. It happened to me also with my daughter. So you have to start thinking about here and now, and not what you want or need. Reality and what is going to help you have a clear and calm manner is priority.

So sorry you are going thru all this!!! At the worst time, of course. Been there. Just try to understand that your hormones are also intensifying things right now also. Recognize and compensate.

So sorry Lisa! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> {{{{{Hugs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> }}}}}

Praying for you, as always, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 02:05 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Lisa,

Your last post reminded me of the one I had in 2001. I too was pregnant then and of course, the OW had to be prego also. Except her's was a threat because when push came to shove, she never went to the doctor. PBR did this act 3 times!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I can understand your wondering why you are having this child under these conditions but the fact of the matter is that you are and it is not the child's fault.

You know this might be the child that turns out to be the one that helps you the most. Please take care of yourself. Give the love in your heart to that little one inside of you and to your children.

Your H needs to do the same but if he can't don't deny them what you can give them. In return, their love will help you sustain.

In my heart, the OW is not fit to bring a life into the world. To bring in a child under those circumstances is cruel and inhumane. If the OW has any sense, she will end the A and take care of herself. If she is truly pregnant, her responsiblity is even greater than yours because she is handicapped with how the child was conceived. The joy of the birth will always be overshadowed by the act of sin.

You though don't have that problem so please take care of yourself.

hugz,
L.

Hi Everyone,

Well OW is not pregnant. Took test at Drs. and came back negative. Surprise! Surprise! My H is such a F*&^king A-Hole. I hope she puts him thru this every month. He deserves it.

Lisa,
He does deserve it....but I am still relieved OW is not pregnant. Your baby deserves all the love in the world and he is being such a jerk that he doesnt' deserve to have 2 babies brought in this world. Please take care of yourself and know that you are above all this crap.!!
Best wishes.

Good.

L.

LISA , my heart goes out to you , no you and your children do not deserve this treatment no one does .

PLEASE understand you can not help WS , he must help himself FIRST then you can be there for him ..

I told you in my last post , that PLAN B may not be such a bad idea please think about it .

IF he is willing to leave then let him GO !!

THAT is the way to separate yourself from this DRAMA , and if you choose not to then fine I understand (belive me I do) BUT then you must start to gain control of your emtions , because you need to be strong for YOU and your family .

AND belive me I know one of the hardest things you have to be saying to yourself is why do I have to be strong ? why can't I run? why can't I just curl up into a ball and do nothing ?

ALL those feelings are normal ..BUT the resons you can't are right there ..

YOU are a MOM , in every sense of the word , you are responsible and probbly always have been .

YOU are a good women , and you are feeling all this presure because you are NOT selfish and you are an adult ,,,,,THIS is what separates you from your WS ..

RIHGT now in FOG (even maybe before then I do not know him ) he is selfish and immature .

WHAT your feeling IS NORMAL for what you are going through .. all the questions everything ..

I wish and I am sure so does everyone here that we could say magic words to make this all go away or at least start to take away some of this pain for you ..

WHAT to do , is inside of you , reach deep down and find it .

JMVHO ,, you do need to become selfish in a way , YOU need to DO what is best for YOU , THE same way that you feel you are CRASHING right now , YOUR WS will when he comes out of FOG .

LISTEN to what ORCHID & MISS M are saying to you and others here ..

TAKE it all in and find your middle ground , what will work for you ..

WHILE going through this I hated myself , PITTYED myself , regreted not D him the min . I found out , I even was angree at my children in one respect that I had to be there for them (I know that is horriable to even say out loud ) BUT it is a rush of emtions that took over ..

THE why me , I am a good person and the BIGGEST one we BS all feel IS HOW THE FU^%$#^ can some one who was suppose to love us so much that we dedecated our life to do THIS HORRIABLE THING to US ..

ALL NORMAL FEELINGS ,, YOU have to work through them , NOW that you know OW is not PREGNANT

STEP away from this , you have been told before don't get court up in their A ,,

I understand asking and needing to know about what was going on in that situation , I would have done the same , but now back off .

IF he is going to put up with this OW's DRAMA then that is his choice .

HE NEEDS TO SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS !! I know you see it but HE has to not you and nothing you say will MAKE him see that ..

I am by far not the best at expressing my self to you , I am just telling you I understand what you are going through and have been in this same place so I want to let you know that I fully understand the emotions you are feeling .

PLEASE take care of you , my prays are with you and your WS . TAKE it day by day, and I know that is hard ,, oh where oh where is A JEANNIE when you need one LOL

PLEASE SMILE today and alittle more each day , laugh inbetween each tear and the laughter and smiles will slowly over shadow the tears ..

GO to IC if you can , many (((((((HUGS )))))))) to you .

Okay,

Like everyone is saying I have not said anything about OW today. I did go about my life today and only saw H a few moments. I was kinda distant and cold from him. H then asks what the matter. Like he has any right to ask that, like he doesnt know. He can be so arrogant at times. I tell him I am just having a hard time with the situation, and H says what situation. What world is he living in. Right now the only way I know how to deal is to start to detach myself from him. He seems not to like this and then blames me.

Yes I do think it is time for him to leave. But when we were talking about it the other nite, H says its not like we are not going to see each other everyday. Well I am sorry, if he goes I dont want to see him. What would the point be. How come he thinks he can have things his way.

He is so selfish right now and this is so not the man I married.

Lisa,

This is a turning point for you. However, before you try to teach him a lesson, make sure you say what you mean and mean what you say.

Realize the WS still has communication issues and the BS is not viewed as a valuable friend right now even though he would probably trust you with his life if he realized he was in real danger.

Step back write down what you want vs what you need. Write how you would let him know how you feel. Then hold this info until he can really hear you and react properly.

L.

Orchid,

Yes you are right this is a turning point for both of us. WH didnt get home until 430am this morning and missed work. That is the last thing we needed right now. I have been LBing most of the day. And in the end, like H suggested we should seperate and will do so. H knows I do not want to do this, but I can not continue to live like this any longer.

So basically now our discussions will be when and how we are going to do this and I am going to set some boundaries. H is under the impression he will see us everyday. No way! What would the difference be? Also I guess he must learn to live with each until we actually split.

L