Lisa,

{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}

Sounds like you have a pretty good counselor. Looks like your MC is right on, and validating you. Keep up sessions, with or without WS.

You know what is best for you. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for you and WS. Kind of sounds like plan B time, if you are able to do this.

I don't know what else to say about the situation with his kids. I guess it is up to you and how much more you feel you can take.

I believe that your WS needs to be out and lose what he has in order for him to see the reality of the situation. You are doing a good job, not LBing and being soft spoken.

Will be gone on vacation this next week, but want you to know I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing what will happen this next week.

Remember that this is WS problem, and not yours. This is about him, not you, and you need to step back and do what is the healthiest for you and family, and for your future. You are already taking the right steps for this, getting resume out, etc.

Remember Lisa, you are a wonderful person, and you are WORTHY. Just keep saying that to yourself when you feel really down. YOU ARE WORTHY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hey Everyone,

Just like every weekend lately.. it was terrible so emotionally draining. WH stayed out all nite Friday and sleep on the couch all day Sat. What a waste of human life lately. I asked him to leave Sat. morning when he got home and he wouldnt. He told me he had no place to go. I said well you should have thought about that before you........(you can guess the rest). The rest of the day was fighting and LBing. I just cant help myself anymore. When we finally stopped fighting and starting talking again, WH said some things that made me feel as though this M is over. I know he is the deepest fog yet and I shouldnt listen to anything, but it still hurts.

I have a question..most of you know Plan B is own the very near horizon, but WH told me today the OW is in CALIF. Should I take this last opportunity to Plan A. Or do you think it may be too hard on me emotionally. If I do I really dont know how WH would respond with him knowing I no longer can live with him. Any thoughts??
Talk to you soon.

Hey .... Pepper is in Calif .... send me OW's address, I'll pay her a little visit.

I'll be "nice",really .... I promise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I very much approve of the suggestion that you be ready to go out yourself as soon as he walks in the door.

I did this myself on the spur of the moment. I awoke really early one Sunday. About 4 AM. Without a word, I got into my clothes, into my car and took off. I was gone about 15 hours. I drove up the coast, I ate breakfast overlooking the ocean, I drove even further up the coast .... I was on vacation from him and our M. He dealt with the pets, the kids, the meals .... and he did it all not knowing where I was or what I was doing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was on va-kay .... K?

Pep

Yes...Please let Pepper "educate" her!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lisa,

I have just gotten around to reading your thread. You are in a VERy difficult situation. As I see it, your love for him is being drained at a rapid rate. And you cant get away from him because he wont go (finances?).

At the same time, he is having the biggest cake eating party that ever existed. He gets Lisa, and his...(fill in the blank with whatever word is appropriate). He uses the excuse that finances are keeping him from going. Why cant he go to the OW's place?

Look, he is in the perfect position for Plan B. You need to protect your love for him NOW, or this marriage is over! At the same time, he needs to face REALITY. The reality of who the OW is, of what life isgoing to be like with finances, kids, you, etc. when this completely ends (your marriage). Many of your posts show me that he is not ready to give you up, to go through withdrawal from you.

Lisa, it is time NOW to pull back. Plan B him. He wont leave? Then come up with a plan that will work. Can you move out and move in with family? Take the kids with you. Or, move to another part of the house. In this case, any and all contact would be just passing by him in the house. No talking to him, answering his questions, shopping for him (I knew one BS who had a husband that wouldnt leave, that bought a lock to put on the food...she let him have shop for his own food!). Any and all communications concerning finances and kids can be laid out in the Plan B Letter (PBL). Maybe contact on these parts have to be in the form of a letter. Believe me, you can make things very dark, and very quiet for him...right there in your own home.

Once you go dark, then start doing things for yourself. Go out yourself. Get involved at church. Start moving forward with your career (schooling?). Dont tell WH what you are doing...just do it! Believe me, especially since he is there..he WILL see it And he will wonder what you are upto.

Move forward with a woman that has a purpose. A woman that has her crap together He will notice...and he will get scared and panic. Do not let him draw you into a conversation, an argument. Nothing. You can make this work, even if he is still under your roof.

Let him get every need met by OW. As a matter of fact, it appears that MC is not working right now So, inform him in the Plan B letter that you will continue to seethe counselor ALONE until OW is gone. He is welcome to continue seeing the counselor on his own also, but you wont be going together until OW is gone.

Go read NowWhat's thread He is about where you are at, except his WW is not living with him now. Get a plan (as was stated above). That plan is Plan B. It will be more difficult with WH under your roof. But you can still do it. Get the plan together and stick to it Get friends and relatives to help you to stick to it.

It is evident that your husband is on the fence. As Dr. Harley stated, when there is danger of BS losing their love for WS and/or the WS is on the fence, it is time for Plan B. In my opinion, you are there.

In His arms.

LISA, please read and reraed MM'S post to you. This is what has been being told to you .
MM just said it so much clearer LOL .

A PLAN STICK TO IT !!!!!!

I have been here since you started you know that I have gone through the almost same thing . You read mine when you first got on MB You saw my mistakes ..

NEVER sticking to a PLAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MM just said, if you feel you have no other choice then PLAN B with him in the house ..

Think of him as casper ,, except hes those mean ghosts LOL .

IGNORE IGNORE ,, he comes in , you go out .Hes up you go to bed (and get a lock for the bedroom )

MAKE the house LISA freindly .. Phone in the bedroom , rip the one out of kitchen if its there .

Computer in your bedroom !!!!YOUR ROOM YOURS !!!

Get it . There is no M until N/C .

Push him right into that world of OW , he thinks its ssoooooo great then let him have it .

BElive me its not or he would have ran into it already .

He will try very hard to pull you into arguing telling you your acting like a baby ignoring him .

JUST don't answer , go about your life . LIsten if he left thats what you would have to do any way . BUILD a life for you and your kids .

School is coming some of the kids are in so that will take off some stress .

Please take a couple of days at your parents house with kids let them watch them and just take the time to gather some strenth to know your PLAN and run with it . I know your tired and right now more filled with anger then anything well also disappointment in WS ..

YOU want your M , well then dig in and go to work on it , and for that all you have to do is be selfish LOL PAY attention to YOU , DO things that make you happy . Right now . He will come around , but it is a long process .

Think about it this OW she has nothing , you know it now let him figure that out .

Until the time you switch to Plan B you should Plan A your ever-lovin' behind off. No more LB's, no more arguments. Arguments are your way of trying to push the situation and push him...not going to work that way, you're only pushing him further to her.

Be apathetic about the A. At least around him. You're not condoning it, but just showing that you are losing your love. Do nice things, but not to the point of giving up on yourself.

Plan B should come as a BIG shock. You are nice for a few days...a week....or longer, then no more anything from you.

You are arguing and LBing because you are desparate to save your M. You keep trying. Use your energy in more positive ways. Plan B is not giving up, it's being more constructive. Begin to realize how much you have depended on him. Begin to stand on your own feet again. It will scare him.

How many folks out there regret getting a D after the fact? Consider Plan B tryng on a D before you decide to jump into it. It gives you both a chance to see what you're missing and regret the decisions you've made.

What part have you played in this? What can you change?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>......I have a question..most of you know Plan B is own the very near horizon, but WH told me today the OW is in CALIF. Should I take this last opportunity to Plan A. Or do you think it may be too hard on me emotionally. If I do I really dont know how WH would respond with him knowing I no longer can live with him. Any thoughts??
Talk to you soon.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa,

Count me in. Pep covers the south end and I can cover the northern side - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All kidding aside, you need to plan B and his problems of living conditions are his. U R right, he should have thought about it B4 he did the dirty deed(s).

Doesn't matter where the OW is, she is still an OW no matter where she is. Put that piece of doubt in his mind. Say something like 'ow in CA? Hm..... wonder if she is laying with...' Incomplete sentences are good for WS grey cells. Makes them think.

take care of yourself.

L.

Hi Everyone,

Let me re-phrase that WH told me OW was in Calif. this week..she was really in Chambersburg PA. visiting family. Guess WH didnt want me to call her there. I know address and phone number. I have already told WH that her family is going to get a nice letter along with pictures of our 5 children.

I have a question about Plan B. Do peole have success with it being modified? Can you Plan A and B so to speak at the same time? WH already knows what Plan B entails from reading SAA. When I tell him this is what I want he gets very angry. I feel as though if I do a strict Plam B I will only drive him further from me. I only say that because last night he said to me "this is the time we need each other the most and neither of us can be there." Does he really mean this or is he just saying it to me? I mean he must talk to OW at least 100 minutes a day on his cell. He never calls me anymore. He keeps insisiting that our problems have nothing to do with the OW. I said if that were true you would no longer being talking and seeing her. I feel he is in the deepest fog yet, but has hinted to me that she has been doing some LBing and things may not be that great. Once again I dont know what to think.

On a sad note..this is my life of late..its looks as though this pregnancy is not viable.

Talk to you soon

L

I'm so sorry about the pregnancy. Another sorrow.

Interesting that WH gets mad when you suggest Plan B. I think a strict Plan B may be just the ticket. He doesn't want it...why? Because that means you would not be fulfilling some important ENs. Hmmm, doesn't give out much hope for the OW to step in and give him all he wants. (Let's see her take care of 5 kids...) My gut feeling is that he gets upset about a Plan B...it may be just what the situation calls for.

But...you have to do what you feel is right. I think most everyone modifies Plan B to a certain degree...depending on how fogbound and stubborn the situation.

My Plan B was relatively short (little over a month) and we talked every other day or so, but briefly. It took him moving out, and the rest of the family vacationing without him for FWH to turn his attitude and begin to make changes. I'm convinced we wouldn't bve where we are now without a Plan B...Plan A wasn't enough. He always thought he could come home, didn't quite understand how close he was to losing me. They say they want to leave...but never really believe it until you make the choice to leave.

I like Pep's idea of taking off for the day...especially if it's asleep on the couch kind of day. Take one or two kids but leave at least one there and make him deal with his tiredness...he'll think again before he stays up late.

Modify a Plan B? How about be incredibly independent. Conversation is still allowed. I wouldn't ask many questions, other than business ones (finances, kid care, etc) You can listen if he wants to talk about the R but don't add much...it gives him the impression you've given up (and you have until the A is over). Go out and do things...pack a bag and say you'll be back in the morning, don't tell him where you're going. Be vague if he asks you. Then stay at a female friends house or a relatives. Friday nights and Saturday nights have a friend call, laugh very loud, then say you have to go. Go to a movie...see two, walk the mall, drive around, stay out late. Playing silly games? kind of, it's just showing him what life would be like if he turned you loose to have your own life. Act like you are enjoying your freedom. Become a strong, confident, carefree woman that doesn't need him. He's not expecting that. He thinks he'll always have you to fall back on.

Lisa I am so sorry to hear about the baby. I believe that you have known in your heart for quite some time that you need to move to Plan B, I believe that like so many of us you just haven't been able to do it yet because you are waiting for a miracle to happen with your H.

Maybe it's time for you to help that miracle along some...give Plan B a try, what can it hurt at this point? You are miserable. He's a cake eater who has been allowed to get by with it to date.

I agree with the other posters...let him experience some of your world of responsibilites..kids, house, family, etc. Show him what life would be like if he doesn't have you to lean on to take care of everything. You are meeting some of his needs or why hasn't he just left you for the OW?

What does the OW think is going on? What is he telling her? Why when you tell him to leave does he say that he has no place to go, why can't he go to her? Is she happy with the way things are going?

I would suggest finding out the answer to those questions, even if it means talking to her. I'm personally not above fighting dirty for what I want...if you consider stirring up trouble in an illicit relationship, playing dirty.

I had some pretty serious discussions with the OW in our case! She believed everything I told her, she knew I was a stronger person (mentally and physically) then her. So when I told her that if she didn't stay away from him that I would send an email to the whole neighborhood, her church, her daughter's school, her family and friends...she knew I meant every word of it! I also believe she was physically afraid of me though I never resorted to threatening her in that manner. Just to destroy her life like she had mine.

It worked on her and my H. Remember their relationships are a fantasy, it's amazing what a good dose of reality can do to a fantasy!

Plan A isn't working for you by itself, you've done a good job at it for a long time now. Time to move to Plan B.

Lisa I am really worried about you..your posts exude exhaustion and depression. Please take care of yourself...you have two little ones that count on you! Take charge of your life!

(((((((hugs))))))) Lisa I am sorry to here about the baby .

I see you got some great advice some things to think about .. I want to step lightly here , I don't want to get FLAMED ..

THIS is JMVHO ,,, yes I do think a modified PLAN B can work .. I am not saying PLAN B is not very hard ,, but what your talking here will be much more painful ...

and is hell to stick to , you must really think about this before doing ..I also think great that he was reading , but then I think that stinks cause now he knows PLAN B ..

That to me is tricky , I mean in away it could give him the hand to say well I know when I am ready to come back I can as long as I go according to bounderies and guidlines ..

Whitch means he knows he can "try it on for size " and still know he can have you .

I hope I make sense .

Only you know if you can last a modified PLAN B ,, the A is in your face can you still live like this ??? If no is the answer then ,, he needs to leave so you get some relief .

This is all about you right now as the way I see it .. It is about how it will all affect your emotional state of mind now and in the future .

Don't think for a min. that this in your face will help your recovery be esier to deal with .

It brings up more issues . Food for thought .
Sorry if I am not helping .. be strong and take your time to think of whats best for you .

Lisa you haven't posted in several days. I am worried about you, please post a note and let us know how you are doing. Thanks.

Forever,

Thanks for thinking of me. It has been very difficult since Friday. I am no longer pregnant. So I have been dealing with that. And as far as everything else it only continues to get worst. I think WH will be leaving shortly. I will get into details a little later..alot has happened.

L

Oh, Lisa....I am so sorry to hear that!!!! You deserve so much better. Hang in there and tell us more when you can. We care about you and are here for you!!

Lisa,

The Lord is with you! We are praying for you. It is hard enough to lose a child, but then to have to do it alone because their father is not there and is treating you this way must be excruciating.

Let us know what is going on. Make sure you surround yourself with friends and family right now. Try not to be alone too much.

Remember, the Lord will work ALL things for the good of those who love Him. If you believe that, then you KNOW that this storm WILL end!

In His arms.

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My prayers are with you and your little angel...

Brit's Brat/BS-42
WH/STBXH - 44
DS - 22 months
Status: Filed for Divorce on our 3rd Anniversary.

Lisa are you okay??

Lisa...please give us an update, we are worried about you. Thanks!

Hey there Lisa are you there?

I'm still thinking about you!