Hey Everyone,

I havent ignored you guys..I just dont know what to say anymore, but I am going to try. First, thank for all your well wishes and prayers, I can feel them.

Secondly, my 13yo daughter found out about A on Saturday nite. She saw the pics the OW sent to WH on AOL downloads. She basically already knew. She wants nothing to do with her step-father. I basically told her I have been fighting to keep this family together for the past 6 months. She also told me that if WH continues to live with us, she will move to her dad's. She also told me "sorry Mom, I thought it was you all along destroying this family." WH was not home when this happened and is totally pissed at me because I talked to her about it without him. I maybe should have told her we would talk about it together, but she kept saying I knew mom I knew mom.

On Tuesday nite WH exploded at me and told me I was nothing more than a spoiled brat and Daddys little princess. He also said I was devious and calculating. He said he would have never thought that about me 2 yrs ago but now can see the real me. He said I play the innocent act real well and everything is his fault. He went to say as far as he was concerned this was over, done, finished there was no way to fix this. He said he was not welcomed in my family and me not in his, my daughter knew so what is the point. But he is still here. His kids are suppose to come down on Monday again for another 2 weeks. I guess he expects me to just do this again after everything he said to me. All my family and friends that know say I am crazy if I let the kids come back down. How can he say these things and be in more contact than ever with OW and still be here?? He says he has no place to go..so I guess he is just using me. I cant stand to see him..hearing the things he said to me and knowing my marriage is over. Of course I have not been able to control my LBing, so we cant even basically say anything to each other anymore. I did tell him that he would have to kill me first, before my children were ever around the exotic dancer. (didnt say it that kindly though) I really think he is manic-depressant..I never know what WH is walking through the door. Last night he called and talked to me for 45mins while he was working. I guess OW was stripping somewhere and wasnt available. How do I get him to leave??

Today is our youngest angels b-day..she is 2. This is just breaking my heart into a million pieces. Today is also 6months since d-day. I really thought they would be done with each other by now. Talk to you all soon..

L

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Soooo....what next?
What's the plan? What do you want? What is best for you without hurting the family and preserving your love that's left?

Ask WH to move out and take children elsewhere? He can get a hotel...or they can stay at a relative's. Have you told ex?

STOP the LB's. The LB's are a desperate and unsuccessful attempt to right things again. This is an argument between WH and his guilt...get out of the way and let them argue themselves. Those accusations and insults are his way of lashing out his ill feelings for himself. Learn to be like Neo in The Matrix and let them slide past you. He wants his two lives and he thought you would lay down and let him do it...

So....what's the plan? Firm sweetness with a dash of evasiveness. Get out of the fire. Ask him to move, he's not your responsibility. He is making choices on his own and has two people caring for him...he can take care of himself...let him.

I am thinking about you often. These things I write are easy for me to say...harder to do. If a friend were in your situation, what advice would you give them?

Hi SMIH,

Thanks so much for thinking of me. WH and I had a MC visit today. I said very calmly that if WH husband meant everything he said Tuesday nite, then I cant understand why he is still living with me. I told him I was no charity case and I would be just fine without him. I also told him regardless of our present financial situation, our bills would get paid whether he lived with us or not. So basically I said there was no way I could understand why he was still here if that was truly the way he felt. WH said he was very pissed off that our oldest daughter knew and felt I handled the situation wrong. He also said he probably said those things to hurt me and get revenge.

I really dont know what to do about my daughter..she wants nothing to do with her step-father and feels very strongly about that. He tried to talk to her the other day while I was out and she ignored him. I told her maybe she should talk to him and tell him how she feels. What do you think??

I also know that OW is not happy because WH has not been spending time with her and not really talking to her. I thought he was talking to her more. But I heard it right from her mouth while she was crying saying she misses him and doesnt understand. I realized then I was not going to cry or beg to him anymore...because she sounded so desperate and pathetic to me. She truly has no life.

After we left MC..on the ride home WH told me he already talked to his Mom about the kids staying there. But he said he didnt want them to be there the full two weeks. How do I take that??
I told him I needed think about what to do about the kids.

As far as everything else I said to him he said if he had any plans to leave I would be the first to know. He said there was no way we were going to lose anything that we have worked so hard for the past 6 years. He also said there was no way he was going to let me fall on my face or change our kids lives. I said there was no way I would fall on my face, I would be just fine.

I also asked him in front of MC.."what keeps OW around for almost a year?" I asked if WH tells her I need a little more time or I am working on leaving her. He got mad at me in the car and said "I dont know what you think, but I promise her F%^&king nothing, never did never will."

My original date to WH for him leaving was Sept 1st. I think it may still be, but he better start making his plans to do so or I will. Am I floundering here..please be honest.

Any thoughts from anyone would be appreciated.

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Well here I am again asking for advice and your take. Once again I am really at a lost. After a terrible weekend again, I finally got the courage up to tell WH I wanted him gone by tonight. (Sun) After much fighting and him telling me see you dont care about me, once again we got nothing accomplished.

Then WH had to go out and do some stuff for work today and when he got home he told me he had been talking to OW. He told me he was never going to talk to her again. He also told me he would tell me immediately he they contacted each other. I asked him why all of the sudden you told OW this. He said he could not do this anymore. He told me they both became a crutch for each other with regards to their other relationships.

But WH also told me he feels we should seperate and if we find each other again that would be great. But right now it would be financial suicide for us to do it right now.

But right now, I really dont know how to take this. Do I go back to Plan A. Or is he just using me to be able to stay here a little longer. His kids are coming back down tonight for another 2-week visit.

I really dont know how to act toward him and I dont know if I can begin to heal with him here.
Please help!!

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Okay I really need to vent..you guys are probably so fed up with me..I can totally understand. I am fed up with myself. Okay I told you about the other nite and what WH spouse said about OW and NC. But he did not say this because he wants to work on M. He still thinks we need to seperate. Okay I think so too. But now it is day 2 of NC and his deep depression is getting deeper. I dont know how to live with him. I ask if he is okay and if he wants to talk and all he can say to me is "how do you expect me to feel."

WH thinks it would be financial suicide if we split right now, yeah but what do I do in the meantime knowning this is how he feels. Do I try to be the wonderful wife, even though I know he is going to leave?? I feel as though he is just using me. I really need your guys help because I feel as though I have only you guys to talk to now. My family and friends have been wonderful and supportive but none of them can no longer understand why I am allowing him to stay here. They feel as though I have totally lost all self-respect for myself. Maybe they are right. Dont get me wrong they will still talk and listen to me, but they really cant understand anymore. I dont blame them. I guess I am holding out that last little bit of hope that my WH will come to me and say "lets make this right..no matter what." I dont think he will ever say those words to me.

We lay in bed next to each other and I am so afraid to touch him. I havent LB in two days so things have been calm. But there just feels like there is nothing between us. I dont even know what to talk to him about anymore. I dont know how to talk to my best friend anymore. I want our convos to be more than just kids and finances, but I dont know what else to say to him. Do I even try to say anything else to him at this point?

I know I am rambling..and I hope I am making sense. But nothing makes sense anymore. Please someone help this has totally gotten so out of hand.

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BUMP^^ for Lisa

Lisa,

Just want you to know I am reading your posts, and haven't had much advice.

I know this is really hard for you and I suggest that you start distancing yourself, do the 180 if you will, and start taking care of you and doing stuff for you. Start living your life as if WS was not there. He can watch all the kids sometimes. Look like you are moving on, in a NICE way.

It is good that you haven't LB'd, and continue to be your sweet self. I realize your love bank is being drained, and I think WS needs to be on his own to figure it all out. Just plan A until you plan B. You will know when to do it. Before or after stepchildren's visit is your choice. I know you don't want to see them hurt or feel like they have no anchor with their dad. Only you know what to do.

Praying as always, and HEY EVERYBODY, this lady needs a little feedback. PLEASE help out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. Sorry about your loss of the baby. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My heart goes out to you.

Hi, Lisa I haven't posted and I am sorry . I know things are really confusing and scary right now .

JMVHO , and that is the same as I have been giving you all along , I belive that YOU need to reach a more emotionaly controled place with in yourself , before the ball can start to roll .

You need to take control ! I said it before and I will say it again ,,, YOU need a PLAN and stick to it . I am saying this cause I did the same thing and until I sat MYSELF down and said, this is what I am goin to do and stick to it ,,,, nothing worked .

I was all over the place , LB for days , then quit , then a nut again , ect.

IF you want him to leave and its what you think is best then ok start there .

Get all the bills together and the bank accounts ect . Put kids to bed and sit him down .
Tell him listen we need to find a way you can leave cause I don;t want a roommate so lets look through the finances .

Let him see you don't want him there unless its for your M , for loving you cause you are worthy of that not pity or comfortable old shoe thing .

Be a best friend , well start by suggesting he get a NEW IC . He has been in IC since d-day 6 months ago and well JMO what is it doing ???

He is N/C ? and he wants to still leave ??
Ok do you belive him or do ya think N/C is so you think he won't see OW while he is out ?

I say start alittle tough love attitude and PLAN B when kids go to school . Firure things out by then . Like Miss M said, let him watch those kids .
Make a change, make a stand .
Want to still be his Best freind well talk to him as if nothing went down . What are his intrests ? WHAT about his job ? Talk to him about an advertisement you saw or anything other then relationship . Its there trust me it is .

If YOU choose to be roommates then ok , do it ?

Be fine , fun , laugh , play games with the kids ask him if he wants in , if the answer is NO then say ok and just laugh with them in frint of him .

Kids go to bed , get on the computer before he does . Show him what life is , if he is going to jump in then great if not you still have to live yours .

Praying for you !

Hi Lisa, sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I just don't know what to say anymore. We've all given you as much advice as we can, the rest is up to you. Only you know what is best for you, I suspect you've already figured out what that is but are afraid to follow through. The is certainly understandable.

As I've said before, as long as you are enabling your H to act this way he will probably continue. You can stop enabling without LBing.

3 and the others have given you excellent advice.

I and others are so worried about you, we just can't think of any other ways to help...just know that we are here for you.

Lisa, are you taking an antidepressant yet?

Now that you are no longer pregnant,(sorry for your sad loss), this would be an opportune time to start anti-D's.

I really think you need it.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear Lisa,

First of all, I would like to send my condolences in your recent loss. I am sorry. A mother hurts inside soooo much when this happens. Having to deal with an A makes it near next to impossible but I can assure you that others here have endured it and you can also.

As for your WSH, well he is an A$$ right now. I am sure you don't have an need for someone with no head and 2 butts. So take care of you.

Let him wonder how to take care of his children when they come to visit. He needs to prove to you he is worth having back. You don't have to accept him as is.

Are you willing to be separated even if it hurts you financially? Or will $$ be his ticket back? If so, then you will have settled for less. I know this is very very hard because $$ keeps a roof over your head and food on the table but it doesn't put love in the family.

So now is the time to be creative with your options. If he needs to separate he can be creative on how to do so. Don't be surprised if he and the OW hook up again. It will hurt but not as much as the last time. This is getting 'old hat' for you and he knows it.

Check out Topie's threads. She left her H with little options. Another MBer who doesn't post here anymore was put on the street with her 2 children (9 and 1 year old), while her WS lived in his parent's 700k home (his parents went out of the country for a few months) and the WS continued his A with several OWs. This WS is now unemployed and his BS has her own place and a job. Kids are in daycare and school. It is hard but she is making it. I know about her situation since I was the one she asked to serve her H's RO paperwork. So I even met her WS.

Just know you have options. You should not be a 2nd choice.

take care,
L.

Sorry I haven't been on lately, I've been taking a break from MB. Taking a break from R talks and the questions (being on MB sometimes takes me back).

I'm a planner, and when I'm faced with "challenges" I start to devise a plan...and not to say the plan doesn't go out the window regularly...but not until it's replaced by another plan. Most cases it's good, some it's not so good (spontenaity is a virtue). In this case I think spontaneity has led to LB, some backsliding, some decisions that have hurt the situation.

So, when I ask "what is your plan"? I ask this because I know how empowering and supportive a plan can feel...not because I want to criticize your plan, or criticize you for parts of your plan. And I'm not talking about a Plan A or Plan B. I'm talking about how YOUR Plan A or Plan B will work in your situation...the specifics. You don't even have to write about your plan (some do not, lest their WS find it on this site and their surprise is thwarted). But I challenge you to form a firmer plan. Write it down...try to think of EVERYTHING. If you need help, you have many people here willing, and I think able, to help. LOTS of good advice here....

Hey Everyone,

I really dont know what to say to you guys except thank you..thank you for still caring and thank you for still helping me...I really need you guys.

Believe me I totally hear what you ALL are saying but I guess I am still hoping the man I fell in love with and married with show up again.

I guess I should tell you what has been going on the past couple of days. WH has had NC for 8 days now. She calls him but he does not answer. She also text msgs his phone many times a day. WH tells me. He told me he hasnt talked to her and only text msgs her to ask her to stop. I have checked the cell phone and cell phone records and he seems to be telling the truth. I also think he is telling the truth because I heard a msg. from OW saying "I guess we are never talking again."

We have been spending time with all the kids and talking more than we have in quite awhile. No LBing on either part. Although the conversations do get difficult for each other. I continue to express that I only want him here for the right reasons. WH says I make it sound so black and white. I again asked him why here was still with me and here and yesterday he finally answered me. WH said "I guess I am here because of your confidence that we will fix this." He also said he right now does not have that same confidence and doesnt know how to begin to work on this. I guess I have sorta gone back to Plan A in a sense and this seems to only confuse my WH. He said he is having a very hard time around me right now. Not only because of guilt and remorse but also of everything that has happened and everything that has been said. I am also finding out some things that happened pre-A that he has resentment for. Things I should have done differently. I have been bearing my soul to him and he keeps telling me Lisa dont stop now. He slowly is starting to tell me his feelings but also tells me it is very hard right now because he is somewhat emotionally numb right now. The other night he told me he wants to know my needs and wants so I have been spilling them I as I feel them. I need an honest opinion here is the numbness he feels due to withdraw from OW??

Right now I feel okay. Of course I am not hearing exactly what I want to hear, and I have told him this. I am trying to talk to him about anything..he has a strong need for converstion. I am also trying to stress the need for us to spend time alone. He says okay. The kids go back to school in a week and we should be able to spend more time together. We are working together to correct of financial situation and both feel if we can get that in order some of the stress will be lifted from both of us.

Please tell me your honest opinion about what I have written. I still want my M and right now I am still able to live with him. Do any of you see any positive signs here?? I dont know what to think. Please bee honest.

Also just in case I am taking steps to protect myself..I am actively looking for a full time job and can move in with ny sister if need be. On last thing about WH I have finally gotten him to agree to go back to the DR. about his meds. He has been on Paxil for about 2yrs..this is when I started to lose the man I love. I think he needs more of a anti depressant as opposed to a aniexty med. He agreed to talk to DR about current situation and feelings so his meds can be re-eval. His appt is next Tues. (FYI his younger brother is bi-polar).

Once again please know right now I am okay and thank you. If any of you get a chance to read this please respond with blunt honesty because that is what I need most now.

Sorry so long..

Luv u guys

Lisa

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Lisa those are good signs, the scary part is that he's done this before. I know that we posted before that his pattern seems to be a pull/push pattern. He acts like a jerk and then when he senses that you are close to the end of the rope with him, he starts pulling you back.

HE IS MESSED UP!!! HE NEEDS HELP!!!

The two of you can't keep going on like this. I can only imagine what this must be like for your children.

Plan A isn't enough, it's about you, not him. If he's serious..he needs to get into counseling both IC and MC.

Most importantly you both need to co-develop a recovery plan and stick to it. If he won't even do that...I still think you need to Plan B.

I wish there was some miracle waiting for you out there but it's definitely only a remote possibility.

Please take action for you and your children...before you can no longer stand the sight of himself or can no longer look at yourself in the mirror.

I am not trying to be harsh, I really admire your strenght and desire to save your M but I think you need a change of plan.

How could Plan B feel any worse then what you've already been going through???

Please make a call to Steve Harley's office, I really think you need professional help coming up with a plan...I know you are having financial trouble but they take credit cards and it would be money well spent.