Conan:
I just wanted 2 chime in here and offer my support for whatever you decide you must do.
I've followed your story for over a year now, as you have followed mine, and I know this has been rough.
I just discovered some recent emails between my W and RM that would have been very hurtful 2 me if this had been a year ago. Now? Well, they're still hurtful, but they're so "script" that it would be hilarious if this wasn't real life (in fact, the content is very similar 2 that of a year ago!). My W is being very close 2 me and her family, getting closer all the time, and yet is complaining 2 RM about how she never wanted 2 be M'd and how M is "legalized prosti2tion" amongst other things.
When I saw the emails, initially I wanted 2 react. I wanted 2 confront (still may do this, but not until I have a clear pic2re of how 2 do so, and LOVINGLY), but when I think about it, there are a 2ple of things that stand out in technicolor and bold relief:
*Number A: she doesn't want 2 leave or lose her family or me. She's truly getting closer 2 us and happier in general. (my backing off pressuring her 2 "do anything" may just be giving her the impetus 2 do something!).
*Letter 2: the dichotomy between her life with us and her "secret 2nd life" with RM (via email and phone, not in person in well over a year and a half) are getting more and more extreme. It's got 2 be hard 2 maintain that. Something is going 2 crack, and I believe it's going 2 be the R with RM, and soon (particularly if I keep up what I'm doing).
This is delicate stuff. I need 2 be careful 2 try not 2 control the outcome, just myself. When I back off needing 2 control other people or the outcome, the things I truly desire tend 2 unfold more readily. I wouldn't have believed this was possible until I tried it and consistently have seen it. It's an amazing phenomenon. This doesn't mean I have all the answers, I don't. Not even for me all the time, and certainly not for you or others here.
For me, it's the letting go that's having the most positive effect on ME lately. In the recent past, I've focused on other things. In the fu2re, I expect it will be something else. But I will endeavor, throughout, 2 NOT focus on the A or the continued contact. That doesn't mean I plan 2 tolerate it. It does mean, though, that I plan 2 cease 2 give it any more power. From what I saw, their R is strained, and may be about 2 break. RM is in a "nasty DV" (my W's words), and yet seems 2 be trying 2 avoid my W most of the time (but not always, probably because of HIS addiction).
I think that, if I were 2 confront my W from a "victim stance" that I'd just drive her underground and prolong the contact (and we all know I've done THAT before, many times!). What I've been seeing lately is that, by consistently showing her that I love her, that I WANT HER, but that I will be okay whatever she decides 2 do, she's been "living more clearly" with us while at the same time her convos with RM have been getting more and more confused and inconsistent with her "real life."
Only she can decide what she wants 2 do with her life. At the same time, only I can decide what I want. And when I need 2 act. I've been thinking a lot about the content of the emails I saw (just yes2rday), and though they were certainly strange 2 read (because of the dichotomy), they certainly were nothing new. And as such, confronting her about them probably won't do me or her any good. Continuing what I've BEEN doing will, on the other hand. Because it HAS been having an effect.
I know that J.R. is out there lurking ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I want 2 apologize 2 J.R. here for hounding him 2 "do something" when I've been seeming 2 not do anything for so long (2long). In the end, I think that this "perceived inactivity" on my part (and probably his as well) is really the opposite. My hat is off 2 you, J.R., whatever you choose 2 do (and whenever you choose 2 do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
And so, Conan, I wish you all the best. Good things will come your way!
"When a man finds his way, heaven is gentle." -David Carradine, the original "Kung Fu" series. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
-ol' 2long.
