Thanks Mimi and Learnin, I appreciate your responses. I've never posted this type of running saga, but I'm really stuck and need some input.

I'm frustrated that this is taking so long! I have no doubt that WH has a problem, this is his 3rd A, all with co-workers. The second one was the love of his life, though I don't think she reciprocated in any way. He's got to see the pattern. And just because his kids are adults doesn't mean he can walk away without hurting them!

Mimi, in my state WH can file for Dv w/o telling me, just like yours. An uncontested Dv is a lot cheaper, though, so maybe that's what he wants. You're right, though, I don't know for sure. I'll think about your suggestion to write an updated Plan B letter, to let him know I haven't changed my mind.

The 'family' thing is the sticky part. I can be fine w/o WH, but not w/o my 'family'. I married b/c I wanted a family, pregnant at 22. So far I haven't been able to re-define 'family' in a way that doesn't include WH, or, and this is the dark side of me, that is happy with my kids having a 'family' relationship with WH and OW. There, I said it. Now I'll have to go think about it.

Learnin, maybe your life pre-A, doing all the work while your H was away, prepared you for the day-to-day struggle you're dealing with now. In that way, you're ahead of me. The partnership, feeling like you're part of a team, is something I'm missing, too. I'm sure your kids will thank you someday for being the strong Mom you've been. I don't envy you those teenage years, though! They can be SO tough, even with great kids.

I'm not sure what my kids are thinking about their father each day. They probably change as they realize new things, just like I do. Some of your kids are old enough to realize that what their father has done is not just between you and him, it also involves the family, including them. You're right, how could he give them up for ANYONE? Do you suppose the WS's have a plan that they will create a new family with their OP to include their kids? Do they think it will be a good life?

Learnin, can you file a separation agreement instead of Dv? In my state, my lawyer charges less for a sep agreement than a Dv, and the financial terms are just as binding. I think Mimi filed a sep agreement early in her WH's A. I don't have a sep agreement, I thought it would be an indication to WH that I wanted a Dv, so I didn't do it. He hasn't acted funny with joint money yet, though, as your WH has indicated he might.

I'm glad you're feeling more at peace with things, don't be surprised if you toggle back, though. Some days are better than others.

Thanks for the help!
Lablady