Michelle, you will have to figure out the logisics if you decide to do it because you know the situation best. If it were me, I would just call the man up and tell him what I knew and be prepared for anything. You might want to conceal your # so it doesn't show up on caller ID and alert the OW. [is it #69 dialed before the #?] You might want to also refer him to this site, because you WANT him to follow MB principles.

Anyway, Michelle, I do hope you decide to follow through, because it could be an enormous help in ending this affair. And there is no hope here as long as the affair continues. Recovery can't even begin as long as he is in touch with the OW. Even the best laid Plan A won't overcome continued contact.

And we would support you if you decide to do it. It takes courage to do this, but courageous efforts are sometimes required when it is your family and marriage that is at risk. Take care, Michelle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by michelleo_73:
<strong>also..it kinda seems like telling OW H would kinda be like LBing?? no?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its a very worthwhile LB whose benefits far outweigh the negatives. If it ends the affair, it is worth the short term fallout.

ty melody, I really am taking everything you are telling me to heart!! It is just so very hard, i hvae mixed feelings, i do want to tell OW H but am scared, I have to work up the courage...
I told my H that I was not willing to give up with out a fight, we ahve been together 14 yrs and married 5 in august..three kids, been together since highschool...i love him with all my heart, wish he would just give the chance to try and get help but he doesnt want to make it work with me he wants tio make it work with her..he wants mwe to "move on" has even suggested sex or dating with others...I have NO intention of that, I want our M to wrok..am not giving up and moving on..not yet..he hasnt even been talking to her for 2 full months yet...
anyways, am babbling...i will honestly think about telling OW husband..I can see the reasons I should, but have to get myself over the reasons I shouldt i guess!1 thanks again Melody
Michelle

Michelle, I understand completely! You are in a very hard position. I do hope you think about it and know that if you decide to do it, [or not!] you will have lots of support here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ty for your support melody!! it means alot to me!! On that note, i should move my butt and spend a little time with my baby on the floor!! lol Will keep posted!!!
Michelle

michelleo_73,

MelodyLane is right on this.. she knows what she is talking about.

You may want to read the link in my signature block about Plan A and Doormatts. It addresses this issue as well as many more about Plan A and Plan B.

One of the best ways to help put an end to an affair is to make it public knowledge. This is a basic part of the MB concept. Telling her husband is not a love buster. He may get angry but it will not last forever. And it will put one more huge pressure on their little fantasy. Do you have any irrefutable evidence? Like emails, photos, letters, etc.? These would be important; as they would make it impossible for her to tell her husband you are making it up.

IMHO, it is the moral obligation for anyone who knows about the affair to tell the BS. I certainly would want to know.

I know it’s scary, but do tell.

hi zorweb, thanks...still not totally decided what i will do yet, I DO understand what you guys are saying though, its just a hard thing to do! Affair is public knowledge on our end of things..not sure f her family knows..all i know is her H does not know. I do have 2 emails...guess that ouwld be enough evidence if needed. Another prob I have with telling is that apparently he is abusive..not sure in what way..as much as I cant stand this OW I wouldnt want him to beat her up or kill her or anything like that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by michelleo_73:
[QB]Another prob I have with telling is that apparently he is abusive..not sure in what way..as much as I cant stand this OW I wouldnt want him to beat her up or kill her or anything like that.QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh please. If he were that abusive she would have left already instead of staying there and making him madder by having an affair. Infidelity is hardly the solution to an abusive marriage. That is baloney that the OW told your H in order to pander sympathy. They all are "abused" in order to justify their affairs. Either that, or they contrived this abuse story to keep you from calling him.

Lord only knows what he is telling her about the great "evils" you have inflicted on him. I'll bet you "don't understand him", etc, etc, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Edited to add: Michelle, I am not "oh pleasing" or rolling my eyes at you, but at the preposterous stories you have been told. We hear this same stuff all the time around here. You would think affairees would try to use a little more creativity to make it more convincing.

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

michelleo_73,

Again MelodyLane is right… If he was abusive and she was frightened of him she would have already left him. She certainly could not have told him that she was leaving with the children and then continue to live with him until school was out.

There is very big chance that she has not even told her husband that she is moving with the children. That is another lie that many WS tell the person they are having an affair with… the WS is always leaving, going to get a divorce, etc etc.

WS lie to there spouses and they lie to the OP. Why? Because that is what affairs are about, sneaking and lying.

This woman may have no intention of leaving her husband and is just stringing your H along. If this is the case, when her husband finds out, there will be a huge pressure for her to end her affair.

What we need around here is an “Expose An Affair” service. I understand that this is a hard thing to do. But it is also a necessary thing to do (IMHO).

OK heres a question..is it not posible that by exposinmg the affair to OW husband it might actually make it easier for her to leave <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yes that is possible. But when you look at statistics it’s not probable. Most affairs last only 6months – 2 years. Most (98%) marriages in which affairs occur recover. There is only about a 3% chance that the affair will ever last long enough to become a long-term relationship.

So the question is not IF the affair is going to end but WHEN the affair is going to end. The more pressure you put on it, the more likely it will end quicker.

Let’s look at the scenario of her leaving her husband with the children. The children will be interjected into the affair. She will now start wanting your husband to help her with the children… nothing kills romance faster than a bunch of step-kids (or semi-step kids). Most likely they are not going to like him. They will hold him responsible for their parents splitting. Children who feel like this put an enormous amount of pressure on an affair. They work at breaking it up. And like I said, the romance and fantasy go right out the window. And reality replaces them.

zorweb, I love the odds you have given me (where can i read bout that?) As for her kids...I hope they are brats...and i hope that they dont like him and give him a hard time, and i hope she puts too much pressure on him to help with them and I hope that will help him realize, he has his own three kids that need him and love him and want him working on things with their mum!! I hope that eventually him not seeing his own kids everyday hits home and he realizes what he has left behind and given up on trying to fix!! deep down I know no matter what happpend with us it will NOT work out with them, i dont see how it can..i dont think you can build happiness on someone elses unhappiness...i am waiting for him to come to his senses and reralize we should at least give it a try and get some help!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by michelleo_73:
<strong>OK heres a question..is it not posible that by exposinmg the affair to OW husband it might actually make it easier for her to leave <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or it might make it easier for her to end the affair. The path of least resistence is to give up the affair and it is more likely she will choose that. If leaving were such an easy and attractive option, she would have been long gone. But she hasn't and I suspect its because she doesn't want to. At the very worst, she would give up her home and move in with your H with her 3 kids. That will very quickly get old!

I think that if ashe really was moving out and ibnto her parents place, why is she still at home with her H?? Its not like she has to find somewhere to live right? if she wants out so bad, and if her H knows about it then why hasnt she left yet? I am starting to wonder if he even knows she is leaving or if he sees things going along as they always have

Michelle, none of it adds up. I would suspect he knows nothing at all. He is probably going crazy trying to figure out why he senses things are so wrong and getting no answers. In the meantime, the OW keeps your H strung along with false hopes that she probably has no intention of fulfilling.

Michelleo .... an affair SINKS! .... just like a fart! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Open up the windows .... expose this affair stench to the fresh air, it will disperse faster.

If your husband is angry with you about exposing, the anger won't last. He may just come to respect you and have admiration for your courage if you do this.

Pep

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

LMAo pepper..I totally love the way you put that!!! PERFECT!!! Thanks!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />