I suspect you will stop resenting when it no longer benefits you to do so. Many psychologists say (and I fully agree) that none of us does anything without a pervceived benefit. To others that benefit may seem illogical, unhealthy, etc. But to us, it makes good sense. There has been some discussion of possible benefits to you in this thread, the whole victim status thing, which is a power based benefit...the victim having (if they can pull it off) elevated status...ie my wife is kissing my tush now, etc. I suspect your internal assesment is that if you give up resentment (your victim status), she will no longer kiss your tush. Having ones tush kissed is in general a deireable thing...for a while, then it becomes annoying if one is a decent human being and does not want ones tush kissed because the kisser is fearful in some way. You..being a decent human being, are stuck inbetween the benefits of tush kissing vs the cost (a stuck relationship, intimacy does not grow on anger/control foodstuffs)...you will most likely remain stuck until..

1. Your wife tires of kissing your tush, and takes a hike...cause resentment is building in her too as we speak.

2. You percieve the potential benefits of giving up victimhood (resentment) are worth the potential loss of tush kissing (which is a limited and short term benefit anyways).

3. Or you come to recognize that your resentment is actually the manifestation of an unwillingness to continue the marriage, and you don't know how to communicate that. (perhaps being a conflict avoider and not wanting to deal with the intense emotions such decisions evoke).

In any event, resentment is a transitional emotion, it is an unresolved internal conflict, yours will leave when you resolve the conflictual issues. OR possibly, your resolution is to continue in this state forcing your w to resolve it (by leaveing you once again), making her the bad guy, but simultaneopusly crippling yourself with chronic victimhood (every percieved benefit comes at a cost)... Chronic victimhood is (in our society)...well, chronic, lots of victims embracing their resentment.

STTSI:

"Space and star- Wow, two affairs!? I will again ask the question, how do you do it? I can't seem to forgive one A, let alone two."

They ain't the only ones! My W had an EA 20 years ago with a different coworker. At the time, neither one of us knew there was any such thing as an EA (I don't even know if the term had been invented then - but I do know that the ground was still warm 2 the touch! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). That's so long ago that neither of us remembers the details all that much, or the "severity" very accurately.

SC and I were talking about this last night. Neither one of us properly "processed" the early A, such that we contributed very much 2 the conditions that lead 2 the 2nd A happening. I'd heard tell of this many times here in the past 18 months, but after the discussions yes2rday here, and our phone convo last night, it really hit home, with this ol' f**t, just what my "responsibility" was, and just how little there was that I could have done 2 "prevent" the 2nd A with the 2ls I had at my disposal at the time.

So, if I continue 2 wallow in my hurt over how the A started 12 years ago, I will get nowhere but DV court in a hand cart of my own making. Nobody else's. If, on the other hand, I find a way 2 forgive myself for my failing 2 properly process the EA and thus avert the A 12 years ago, I have a good chance at recovery. 2 do this, it is necessary for me 2 stop looking at my W's A as wrong, or bad, any more than it's appropriate for me 2 blame myself for handling things wrongly or improperly 12 years ago. Instead, all of it needs 2 be thought of as learning experiences. Oppor2nities for 2TH of us 2 grow as individuals.

I know for a fact that I'm not the same man I was back then. Well, I am the same man, but I know a helluva lot more than I did then. ...and I wouldn't have had the impetus 2 learn ANY of it if I hadn't experienced the things I have in my life. I can't very well be grateful for the learning if I'm still harboring resentment and anger for the perceived hurt inflicted on me, now can I?

Remember: The past and fu2re exist only in our memories and imaginations, which are flawed at best. The only thing REAL is happening now. Even the things we remember were happening when it was "now", and whatever we do in the fu2re will be done in the "now" as well. Dwelling on the past or fretting over the fu2re is counterproductive.

All my best,
-ol' 2long

Wow! Lots of info to read and learn... I will respond to your comments then off to look at the links provided.

TMCM - "How about every time you get depressed about the A, your W gives you a zap with one of those electronic stun guns? Soon your mind won't even go there (if she doesn't accidentally electrocute your brain cells in the process )."

I think all of my brain cells got zapped out years ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

------------------------

star*fish - "Consider this question-if the harm we have experienced leads us to a life dominated by unresolved anger, a negative image of ourselves and an inability to trust, are we allowing the one who has hurt us to continue to have power over us?"

Yes very true. I know to a large extent I am letting the A and OM to control my life and my emotions.

"An important point to keep in mind, however, is that when we forgive, we are doing it for ourselves, not for the other person. Forgiving is one way of letting go of old baggage so that we can move on with our lives."

It is funny the rollercoaster of emotions. Most of the time W and I are happy and I want to move on, renew vows etc. But then something happens and I feel like crap and I want out of the M. It is at those times that I am darkest. Like I said earlier, W is very helpful during those times and I appreciate it.

"Forgiving is a highly personal act, and it will not happen until we are ready to let go of the old hurt and move on in our lives with a sense of personal empowerment."

It is the letting go part that I struggle with. Like I said yesterday, maybe it is the victim role I like of the power it gives me. Either way, I need to identify it some I can overcome it.

"Create a ritualized separation ceremony which ends the link between you and the act that hurt you. For example, you might burn your letter and lists and thenscatter the ashes. "

I chuckled when I read this because last weekend I asked W if she wanted to have a bon-fire so we could burn so of the stuff from the A. Our way of putting it behind us. The mosquitos were awful so I sprayed the yard and hope to do it this weekend.

star*fish, thanks for the info, I will print it out so I can re-read when necessary!

------------------------

ALS - "First off, sorry I haven't gotten to you sooner to see how you were doing."

Thanks for dropping in! Glad to hear from you. No problem on missing the fun, I still need to respond to your email.

"And I hate to burst the bubble, but I don't think anyone here can make a miracle post that is going to make you let go of the resentment. It's something that you need to come to on your own. Sort of a peaceful feeling you come to, a feeling of calm in your mind. Sort of like when you've had a horrible few weeks at work, then head to a peaceful spot and just sit in silence, and unwind. You need to unwind on a much larger scale."

While I wasn't looking for the magic cure-all answer, I was looking for either support that I am in the right place for where we are in recovery or the MB 2X4. I think I have gotten a little of both, maybe more of the latter. I had that peaceful feeling before regarding the Dv, now that W is back I need to again find that happy-place, only my W needs to be there too!

"If my W comes back to me, and I still love her, I owe her a chance. And as long as I resent her, I'm not giving her that chance. And I'm also making every moment harder for me. Probably even harder than when she was gone."

Yes I know I am making it harder on her than before. Not my plan.

"Has it made you sleep better at night? Smile more?"

No. I am going back on sleeping pills also since I really need sleep and staring at the walls at 3AM is boring! Smile? She gets me to laugh but not as often as before.

-----------------------

imready2try - Hi honey! I'll see you before you get to read this anyway, but I wanted to say hi! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

---------------------------

spacecase - "We are way too harsh on ourselves, way too over-critical and way to self-punishing. As we begin to see this, when we're willing to really and honestly look in the mirror and see, to see that we are just human, fallible, imperfect and selfish like everyone else, that we have done the best we could with what we had...we ALSO begin to have the capacity to see others like that more! Which allows us to be more fogiving, more understanding, more compassionate."

Very powerful statement. It is very hard for me to admit that I am not perfect, I will admit to that and I am sure W will agree. I had already admitted some of my mistakes during the A, maybe I need to look inward again and see what I can see.

"In a more philosophical, perhaps deeply spiritual way we may see this as bringing into our lives those things that our soul knows we have to learn...and like most things, these things apparently look like terrible things, but as we see them in a different perspective and as time shows us, it turns out they truly are great gifts."

Yes I would agree with that. The A has taught me more about M than I ever thought possible. I know W has learned much too. I don't recall if I mentioned it before or not but I told W that except for when the A brings me down I am the happiest I have ever been in our R. We talk and make eachother happy and I even get SF! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And then I let the A bring me down again and I have to climb that hill of happiness all over.

------------------------

sufdb - "I suspect you will stop resenting when it no longer benefits you to do so."

I don't think it benefits me currently to hold on but I know what you are saying.

---------------------------

2long, space and star - I really don't want a second A so I promise W and everyone here that I will do my best to forgive, let go and move on.

I had a really sh%$$y day today at work. One of my clients for the job I was doing looked just like OM! I swear it could have been his twin! So I am off to read those links until W gets home than I will see what she wants to do tonight and spend some quality time with her! I am trying to not let this get me down.

Thanks!

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Still Trying To Save It ]</small>

Wonderful article, Star*fish!