I knew about it before we were married. I've known for more than 16 years.

How much professional support has your W received for this trauma?

Are you an atheist?

No I'm not. And she lets the kids go to church. She feels it is for everyone to decide on their own.

She had counseling when she was younger and hated it. Will not go now.

Hurting,

Here are my thoughts today, chew them up at will, and spit back any that are too bitter to swallow.

Your MIL did not protect her daughter from a predator father for 10 years. Your MIL drinks too much. Your MIL has a volitle temper and is a sort-of "shoot first ... ask questions later" kind of a gal. Your MIL like to be in the middle of drama, and while she is there, she up's the volume of the insanity.

And, you like your MIL for her good qualities. But, she was never too much of a mother/nurturer role model from what you've said.

Do you have a relationship with your W's father, the abuser?

Pep

No I have no relationship with him at all. He lives about 3 hrs from MIL. WW has little to do with him either. Goes yr or 2 sometimes with no contact.

Here is the latest. OM is out of town, he has been fired from his job. He took car that he and WW bought together and they are tryin to repo it.

Talked withh WW a few minutes ago and she is moving 1hr from MIL. Got a job working for her sister. Moves into her house this weekend. I asked her if she wants me to move up there. She said it was up to me. I could mmove anywhere but the town she will be living in. She is done with me and done with giving to anyone. It is time for her.

She was calm and really sounded like she doesn't care wether we move up there or not.

Is this normal? Is the M really over at this point? I don't care wether I move or not, which would give the best chance of her wanting to come back to us eventually? I can't afford SH at this point so I have to rely on you guys for advice. I am too drained to make a decision.

I am supposed to call her back tonight as she was at work when I talked to her. I don't know what to say to her.

She is planning on paying C/S either way, wether I move or not.

Don't beleive anything she tells you and just go to Plan B.

Your wife's credit is about to get flushed if she co-signed on a car loan .... and OM is now hi-tailing out of town not intending to return the car or make payments.

Did he get fired (I wonder) because of any police reports brought to the attention of the boss?

For now, leave her alone. I agree with her. She needs to get her head straight. She'll only hurt you, and you cannot help her right now.

Be a dad. Your kids need your love and they need one stable parent. Be there for them and let your W work out her demons .... she has the right to be alone if she desires.

Some people have such a huge load of shame and hurt from childhood .... they throw happiness away with both hands, thinking they don't deserve it. They don't trust anyone, least of all themselves.

Until your W learns to trust happiness and love herself, she is not going to allow you to contribute to her happiness.

What attracted her to you in the first place?

Pep

Sex. She used to say I was a one night tand that didn't go away.

Sould I really do a B. Or just leave her alone and act like friends when we do converse.

The biggest decision I have to make is wether to move or not. I really do not care which place. I have lived in both and like both. Kids have about the same amount of relatives in both places. So I would really like to live in the place that makes it most likely for her to want to return.

Don't know if not seeing the kids at all would be best or just seeing them a little as her schedule permits would be best, both for a possible M and for the kids.

Talked with them and they all 4 are leaning towards staying where we are at. But of course it's easy to say that seeing your mom mayby every 2-3 months is ok and quite another thing to live that way. If we move they could see her at least every other weekend. Even though see is working 9am-9pm on both Sat and Sun.

Where are the kids safest emotionally and physically?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Where are the kids safest emotionally and physically?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Physically either would be the same. OM is gone he not even calling. He knows she stayed in IL. If anything even give me the idea he was around I could move across town quickly. I will remain on gaurd for a while but I think thats over.

Emotionally, I don't know. Thats what I'm trying to figure out now. Seeing their mom some ,possibly with another OM, or seeing almos none of her but not having to move again.

You got married because the sex was good?

Please elaborate if you can....

NO, you asked what first attracted her to me. She was actually out looking for a good time, saw me bent over a pool table. Picked me up and we saw each other exclusevly after that.

We dated for about 4 months then moved in together. We lived together for almost 3 years before we got married. She was the one that proposed and we had a 18 month engagement.

We shared the same view on marriage and many other things. we enjoyed each others company and activities from reading, fishing,walking, even the same books and TV shows. Still do enjoy all the same things. She was my best friend and in fact almost my only friend for the last 16 years. I can count the others on 1 hand and really don't even have a friend now.

Our whole lives revolved around our family. Thats why it is so hard on the kids. They lost the stay at home mom that was always there no matter what.

Hurting,

Don't even think about moving to be near her. Why do I say that. Your kids are in school right? THey need to be in the same place for a whole school year. Your W is very likely to change her mind about many things several times in the next 6 months.

You cannot yank the kids out of school, everytime she does. Stay put, and see if she does stay put. If she does, then move nearer to her if you like. It is her decision to see the kids or not.

I don't want to sound harsh, but you cannot out guess someone in the fog she is in right now. As she settles down, THEN consider making some plans.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

No ,kids not in school yet. Thats why I have to decide in the next couple of weeks wether to move or not. Leaning heavy towards not, but I really would like the kids to be able to see their mom.
There can be phone calls from here. If fact as much as WW will tolerate as I have unlimited long distace, but, there would be virtually NO face to face between WW and kids. Thats got to be hard on them.

I guess I've about decided to stay put. We talked tonight about when she would get her stuff. I hope missing the kids makes her change her mind. If not we will survive.

Hurting

When you are dealing with a woman who is so deeply wounded from her childhood you'll need a back-up-plan for the rest of your lives together as co-parents .... no matter if the marriage survives or not.

Her ability to make healthy decisions is not likely to change without some long term indepth therapy and a huge act of willingness on her part.

Always have a back up plan in your pocket.

Pep

Guys and gals,
I've offered to take all the rest of WW's things to her on Memorial weekend. I think that I should try to have as good a weekend with WW as possible and as I leave to hand her a Plan B letter. She will have all her things at that point and all the arrangements regarding the kids will be firm by then also.

Does that sound about right to you all?

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Sounds like a great idea, hurting.

Very good idea...for all concerned. I couldn't tell you to Plan B (cause I didn't) but I knew you'd figure it all out by yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />