2long-

I wrote a post to you, but for some reason, it didn't post on the forum.

Basically, I was thanking you for your thoughts because they mirrored my own so much. It's hard to believe at times that what you feel and think are true, especially when you butt heads against someone that is in complete resistance to change.

Anyway, I am at a point where I'm throwing my hands up and walking away. I have had enough of this, and I need to get on with my life.

X called me at work today and started his typical pattern of Ariguing with me on the telephone. It's VERY disrespetful and unprofessional. He's angry with me because I don't want to be a doormat any longer. He seems to have this idea in his head that he can come and go as he pleases and that I have to willingly smile and pick up DS on the snap of a finger to accomodate HIM. Then, because HE makes changes in the schedule, he tried to convince me that it's for MY convinience.

Guess what! I'm not playing anymore. T

Additionally, he expects ME to alter MY days in order to make time fair for him and DS. You know what, Up until now I haven't had a problem with it but I feel that lately I am a dorrmat and DS and I both deserve peace.

I informed him that I am attending a meeting for the daycare for afterschool and he starts freaking out on me. He starts yelling about how I gave him the invoice to the old program so that he would lose $500 if he reserved a space. If he stopped thinking with his peni$ and started using his brain, he would see that I just gave him what he needed IF DS ended up in school THERE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My lawyer's scheduling a hearing for next week to have this settled. She agrees that this is getting out of hand. Let him deal with the court order. Then he will have someone else to kick around like a dog.

Darned it all!

I'm at the point where I don't CARE what he thinks anymore. If he wants to hate me, then he can hate me.

What does he expect? To have his GF, the house, and a babysitter anytime his instant FAMILY isn't convinient?

Someone give me the 2x4 now. If I'm out of line then please let me have it.

Hi Kily,

I think I still have some things to say to you, but still not finished thinking about them, and sometimes it takes me a very long time to put the words together after I have an idea of what I want to say.

For today, can I relate a story?

There is a man I respect a great deal that was in a controversial position. He announced to his staff what he would do, and one of his aides asked him how in the world he had the courage to take that course of action. It is reported that he said something like this: (I heard it 2nd hand, I wasn't there.)
"I go to God, and find out what he wants me to do, and then I do it and let him worry about the consequences."

If you don't always feel that you have all the skills you need, remember that we are held accountable for doing as well as we can do, not for failing to be perfect.

OK?

Continue to tell him this isn't the way you want it either, continue to tell him that he can talk with respect or you will hang up.

Keep your replies short and simple, practice them out loud if you have to. Figure out your position, try to explain it in a sentance or two, and keep repeating it over and over until he gets it, and is ready to talk, or until he quits.

It appears to me that you are a little bit shaken up, but basically sound. I count that as good.

SS

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

kily:

I don't think you're out of line at all. You've put up with his LBing for ... 2long now. He can't be TOLD to stop it, he has to be coerced to stop it. I think it's sad, but it's true. I guess that's why there are courts, lawyers, laws... because we can't always see the way to doing the right thing without help.

I wouldn't be surprised if, after this is "settled" (and hopefully it will be) that you and he get along better than ever before as coparents.

It's so sad when his uncontrolled anger is used to drag you down so often. It will be nice if it stops, even if it's because of a court order of sorts. Maybe then he can start thinking with his OTHER brain! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

No twox4's today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
♥Qfwfq

Kily-

It's me, STTSI. I wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear of the position X has put you and DS in. It is very hurtful and very childish.

I agree with 2long and the others. Let your lawyers handle it. This will cost you more money, but it will give you more peace down the road. If you think he reaches the point where he is willing to talk like an adult, then you can consider out of court. Until then, let the lwayers have it.

Kily, you have grown so much it is sad to see that he doesn't care enough to notice. I know you will find happiness again, you just have a few hurddles first.

STTSI

Hi Kily!

Sorry you have been having such a rough time. I can sense that your X still, years later, is still harboring some sort of hostility towards you for the A, and he continues to use DS as a way to hurt YOU instead of doing it directly. It's horrible that he doesn't realize that it's not going to make him feel any better, certainly not make you feel any better or more cooperative with anything, and the bottom line, it's TOTALLY unfair to DS!

No way would I settle on what he is asking for. With what you have stated regarding the way he handles things, especially the fact that he is expecting YOU to be the one to drop everything, what sacrifices has HE made for DS? Sounds like you are the one expected to make them all, and who HAS been making them all. He seems to only care for DS when it's convenient, and, what scares me more, seems to be using DS to get at you in some way, which is downright awful as far as I'm concerned.

The bottom line to remember here in all of this conversations is to remain calm. I know, easier said than done, I always used to tell myself I would be calm when talking to W as well and things could get out of hand. Things always seem to get emotional. But you need to try and keep that stuff at bay as much as possible. I know how much you have learned and how intelligent you are. The is no doubt in my mind that you will win in court should it go that far, and that in conversations with X, you can also "win" by keeping your wits about you and keeping those emotions in check.

Just remember what I once told you, I read somewhere it's always great to stop and take a breath anytime you feel yourself slipping or giving a rash response. Next time you get one of these phone calls or in person arguments, remember, deep breath. Then talk. What comes out will be totally different.

Wish there was more I could do, but unfortunately I don't have a cure for these X's and spouses that can't see through their own regretful choices. Once I find the magic pill, I'll market it and become a zillionaire.

ALS

Here's some more lines for you to think about.

" You know X, I made some bad choices, and I am suffering for them. I want to be with you, to be a family, and I don't get what I want, do I?

Now you have made some choices, but just like me, you don't get to pick the consenquences. I am going ahead with what I think is best, you'll have to accept what happens just like I did when It was my turn. I hope it makes you think like it made me think."

Perhaps there is something in that you can use.

SS