Sounds positive MM, more than you probably thought prior to the session. I wish you good luck, keep up the effort and I think that you will reap the rewards.

NW

MM:

Don't you just love Steve H.?

I'm glad that I wasn't dishonest about what has transpired in our sessions.

Hi Steve!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't you think, too, that your wife is moving out of withdrawal, causing her increase in engagement with you?

A quick update to let you know what my wife said about her counseling with Steve last Friday...

She is still a little wary of Steve and MB, because she knows this is where I have been hanging out and she is somewhat afraid of being "ganged up upon" by him. But, she got off and was very loving towards me after that.

Her comments about Steve were that she thought he was sweet and that I could learn a few things from him about listening (all true!). That Steve has a way of not telling you are wrong about something, but helping you realize that you are wrong.

She said they talked about how things ended with the OM. Steve asked her what she had expected when she came home, "what was your plan?" She told him she didnt have one. He told her that was EXACTLY our problem...no plan.

They talked about the things that are really still causing her to pull back. She said she was surprised beacuse he wasnt at all concerned with our lack of SF.

She said he was sweet when she told him that there are times where she misses the OM. He was judgmental...he just listened to her. He said "there is a hole left by the OM in you, isnt there?" She said yes. He asked her "What if you husband could fill that hole up for you?" She told him that she didnt know how. He told her, "All you have to do is allow him to do it...and he will." They talked about "accentuating" Mortarman's positives and de-"accentuating" my negatives.

He asked her why she was still not wearing her wedding ring. She told him that that ring stood for something that is no longer true. That the life that was promised under that ring no longer exists and can no longer exist. She is still very defeatist about having a relationship with me that meets the outlook she has had her whole life about what kind of marriage and husband she would have. She told him that ideal is dead. Of course, he just listened, and I am sure chuckling because he knows this is just talk now due to the pain of recovery. As he told me, recovery and trust come last.

So, overall it was a good start. He wants my wife to send in the EN questionaire and LB questionaire and that our next counselng session will be the two of us devising our plan.

On a side note, since we went to the "no-talking-relationship-talk-unless-in-the-presence-of-a-professional," things have been pretty good. We seem to laugh a lot together, and are spendign a lot of time together when not at work.

So, we'll see. Overall good...but I cant wait to get that next session and get my wife on a recovery plan with me. Then we should finally start moving forward.

In His arms.

MM -

Sounds like your wife had a great session. I'm not at all surprised that he didn't focus on SF with her -- not having SF isn't driving -her- unhappiness at the moment, after all!

Hope things continue to go well. And the laughter is a great sign. It's such wonderful medicine for the things that ail us!

MM: Everybody looks at what a ring means differently. Many see the ring they wear as a sign of THEIR committment to the marriage, and would never take it off because their spouse broke their vows.

After I thought about it a while, I took my ring off. She had given it to me with a promise, which she broke, so I felt it represented something which was not true. She kept her ring, which I gave to her with a promise I kept. I got a new ring from my wife, with a new promise. It represents a new and different committment.

Your marriage will change. If it survives (and I am optimistic, if you can get out of God's way... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) it will not be the idealistic marriage she once imagined. It will be flawed. It will be a struggle at times, maybe much of the time. But, it will be strong, rooted in reality, your love for each other and your children, and God's love for you both. At that time, maybe you and she will be ready for a new promise, and a new ring. Or to put on the old ones with a new understanding.

I have to comment on Steve's "filling the hole" line, because it really illustrates the main problem I have with the Harley approach: What part of the hole that the OM filled was supposed to be filled by you, and what part was supposed to be filled by God? What part will she let God fill? Can you influence her about that in any way besides praying for her? Would she let you pray with her? What kind of example can you set?

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>