TogetherAlone – Yes.

WFLOWER – I fully respect your thoughts about affairs. I really have nothing to say that would be of value to you about my realizations about affairs.

I am not angry at my X – ANYMORE. When it happened, I was as angry, bitter, hurt and enraged as anyone on this board. To me it is a beautiful thing to be friends with him and his wife, and it’s beautiful for them. We have done our work, I feel like I certainly learned the lesson of forgiveness, and we actually all like each other very much.

In terms of defending my affair, I can see why you say that. I am not defending it, but I am not using the same language you do to describe it. I know exactly why I never want to get involved with a married man again, and that pretty much says it all for me.

You are free to say that what I felt – and still feel – is not love. For me, love isn’t something that I feel only when someone else displays their best qualities, or when someone meets the exact standards I have set out for myself. This is something I learned by being betrayed as well as in the EMR. When I love someone, I love them. When my BF betrayed me, I never stopped loving him. I HATED him, but that was because I loved him. Even today I know what I feel towards xMM, but it doesn’t mean I believe he is a good partner. He most definitely is not, and I am happy to never speak to him again. But in my quiet moments, I can certainly continue to go into my heart and feel love for him. It is private, it is my own.

ForeverHers – thank you for being kind to me. I have a thirsty mind and a thirsty soul. I have read many, many, many religious and spiritual books. Believe it or not, I am now reading about the early days of Christianity, especially about the Gnostics and Jesus' life. I don’t feel a calling to become a Christian in the way you understand it, but I am not a Godless person. I have opened my life to God.. just not in the exact same way you have.

I have certainly learned how forgiveness frees the heart. I do not wish to harm anyone in the future, nor to be harmed, and I trust that God is with me always.

Sungirl,

Thanks for the compliment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's another one of my consistant messages .....

If you ever want to get married and stay married, it is in your best interest to view marriage as a special, unique relationship. Those who do not view marriage this way, are risky partners , ripe for having an affair.

So far, it appears that your views of marriage is that it is just like any other love relationship, and not at all special.

If your view does not evolve from that position, don't get married, there would be no point.

Defending the OW's POV keeps you far away from a mindset that makes marriage unique and special ....

That's OK .... really, it is. Not everyone is marriage material. There are numerous other relationship paradigms that are fulfilling and can be a good way to go if someone does not believe marriage is unique.

But you cannot be in both camps at the same time. You'll have to make up your mind.

Getting married when it is "just the same" as an affair, or a LTR .... then, what's the point?

Getting married when you don't feel it is a special union ..... who would want to take that risk? Well .... I guess that friend of mind who's been divorced 9 times feels that way .... her marriages have all been special, all 9 of them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't fret, this is my last post to you.
I wish you well .... You keep implying we think you are some sort of a monster. I don't . I've "met" you over and over. I've tested you for STDs .... I've held your hand during your TAB, I've talked to you about the bruses on your body ..... I care about women and women's issues. I care about you.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepperband. You have an excellent point. I don't think marriage is just like any other LTR. And I honestly don't think a marriage and an affair are the same!! They obviously are not.

I don't know if I am "marriage material". That will depend on MANY things in the future. First and foremost, meeting someone who is worthy of my heart.

Thanks.

I agree that loving someone even when they have exhibited poor behavior or are not always doing what you want them to do is real and present. But it is in creating terms of how or what level in life you wish to love at.

You know I can easily stay in love with my spouse if he does something wrong or said something wrong, but when the habit becomes...one sided. When there is a behavior that is continually hitting you and he could care less how it effects the loved ones, that needs attention and changing. That is not to say I dropped the love out of our equation.

You see in a marriage, you are not dating this man. We have betrothed our love for one another, forever. It was a promise made in front of both of our families, some of whom are now deceased, our best friends and some close friends that we worked with and went to college with.

We had children. We had love, making love, giving love, fighting about things and then more love to follow up with. The love waxed and waned. The love seemed to disappear like a bad magic trick, but then it came back with a fury better than you read, as it is real and should I say it? Everlasting.

Why has love between spouses become almost like a fairy tale, Because it was completely challenged, over taken and gone...so it seemed. But there was an ember and there was all of these things I wrote about above. It is not a conscious understanding, but rather having been through a real marriage and real family ties that are incredibly binding in the manner of the heart. And binding in the soul. The absoluteness of the devotion that a marriage carried out in the eyes of God and among your family and friends is indisolvable. It can not be lost or forgotten because you have not the power to abolish it.

Pain of divorce or separation of even affair partners has elements of the soreness of the removal of your love. But when you have married a man with complete devotion and trust, it will be hard pressed to break this union.

Bonding to another human being needs to be done carefully and with complete devotion and the ability to trust.

You can not trust someone who will keep making these bonds of love over with another. Marriage must be held sacred. Trust should not have to be an issue, as you have that when you marry. It is a given in marriage. But when it is challenged, some adjustment made, things may work out to optimum.

Sacrament of marriage suffers all of the human fallibilities. We are not perfect. But devoted, you bet. And boundaries are important. You recognize the need for them particularly when you are sharing your life with your own man.

And Sungirl, I am sure that you and he felt love for each other. And you have memories of the feelings of love. This is as when we were dating kind of love. And the love of an affair, most usually has an end. Let it go and learn about boundaries. Being friends with old boyfriends, was never very appetizing to a prospective new husband. Let alone old married men boyfriends.

My best wishes to you, sincerily....Wflower.

Wflower - You are talking about love between two people that survives the test of time and of all of life's trials. You are absolutely right that I have not yet experienced that. Your post was beautiful and even though I don't know you I almost can feel the depth of what you and your Husband share in your words.

As for old boyfriends, really, they are so glad that I'm in their life and I'm so glad they are in mine! I'm actually much closer to her than to him. She's wonderful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />