Hi Meand,
I'm sooooo glad you posted again. I have been worried and thinking about you often.
You have done the right thing with NC!!!!! I know you don't FEEL that way right now--but it is what's best for everyone and it's what's moral and right. Now, keep in mind that I know what's right---but really stink at doing it--so I don't claim to be "doing it all right" I just want to give you encouragement and help you stay focused.
I know the withdrawal you are going through. I sent NC e-mail to OM on Monday. Yes, he responded----and I responded to him as well (which I know I shouldn't have)...and it all ticked me off. He is in a double fog---he is acting as if he doesn't understand what I'm referring to with the a. Then he got real cool and aloof with me, which was fine, but I knew it was a ploy to punish me...and make me come running to him saying, "r u mad". Now today---at work it was pretty much like normal-had to meet quite a bit--and although discussing work stuff--he was very jovial and upbeat. He did try to throw in a few personal comments --which I believe were to entice me into conversation---I didn't bite. But let me tell you---it is sooooooo hard.... it is one of the hardest things I have had to do...because I did enjoy his company and we had fun together. It's like I've said--I was/am drawn to the attention he has given and the way he made me feel. Soooo wrong--but true.
I literally take it hour by hour---with not e-mailing, trying not to think about him, focusing on my marriage and dear husband. Once I get through a successful hour--I yell "yahoo" and just try to get through the next. Although I will say sometimes two or three hours go by and it's not a problem and other times...it's like I'm looking at the clock every 5 minutes.
I am being strongly encouraged on this thread and in the ladies chat to tell my H. I still get sick thinking about this and want to spare him the pain. Really, I'm not worried about my pain...but I keep telling myself that he should not have to suffer for my stupidity--it is not his fault. And if I can stop this A now---I can spare him the pain and suffering. Now I know that my MB friends will tell me I am living a lie if I don't tell him even if I have ended the A. I just don't know. But I will say that I am considering it...no where close to telling him..but I am considering it--which is a huge step for me.
But Meand---I will continue to pray for you...I wish I could say it will get easier--but that would be a lie. This addiction to OM that we both have has ruined so much in our lives---let's get strong and not allow this to suck anymore out of us. We are both tired and it's time to move on.....
Please keep posting--we can help each other. We will have down days and can support each other here. Hang in there, dear friend.
Come and join us in ladies chat if you can ...I would love to talk with you.
Blessings always.
