</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but what made you quit? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had been spiraling downward for several years. Blaming others, being self-righteous (sp?), withdrawing into my own image of myself. As Pep said, "many alcoholics are VERY high achievers". I've always provided for my family. We are not rich, but there are very few things that we want but do not have. In providing for my family I thought I was doing well by them. And in a way I was, but we were not as happy as when we had little to no money. Why?? It must be because my of W, right? Or my boss, right? Not ME!! No way Jose, not ME!!

In Sept. and Oct of 2001, three things hit me at the same time. First, my W was in the beginning stages of an EA. I saw it and it made me even more angry. How dare her!! I'm perfect!!

Second, my boss flew in to see me and told me that I was going to placed on a 90 day performance plan, even though I had led the Company in sales for the last 3 years. How dare he!! I'm perfect!!

Third, that same night my boss delivered his message, my W told me she may want a D.

Over the next 2 weeks, I was lower than worm spit. I was far from perfect. I found AA, and began the rest of my life trying to be a better man, husband, father, and employee. Day by day...

Honey, I pray that this was my bottom. My W and I are doing very well, and we look forward to spending time together when we can. But it took alot of tears, arguments, and commitment to our M. At some point I think we fell out of love with each other. But we have it back now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Honey, you have always said you still love your H. My gut tells me you love the image of what you want your H to to be, not what or who he is right now.

If you move towards D, your H will blame you. Remember, he must preserve his shell of an image. Facing one's inner demons is the true battle of life.

Hope this helps...

Gib

Gibby,

Thanks, this is why I go to more and more open AA meetings lately, trying to understand... your bottom is not as low as my h is now.

I have threatened a d in the past... my h is not at all providing, well you know that... I have filed with the attorney general for child support but not for D, my h is lying about his income.. he is lying so much he can't see straight.

Anyway, I do not think this older woman I was stressing about is another A, if anything she is encouraging AA from what she told me when I talked to her looking for my kids...

It is just my h goes balistic when I find out anything about his secret life without permission... IE, some of his secret friends that I contacted looking for the kids, since he did not let me know where they where and they showed up one day late and missed school.... call they stinking thinking... he did come by my house, well a friend drove him by at 930pm, but by that time at night I had driven to find them since he had no phone.... and then when he called from a pay phone I got the words I he had no ride, and he hung up with no word again until monday.

Anyway, it is very stressful to live like this.... yes, I am exhausted... I do not love who he is right now, but I know who he is under it.

I hate who is acting like.

I appreciate your sharing to me. I am so exhausted with worry over what he is up to or doing. I pray some child support may come through but do not count on it. He blame me for his lay off when he had the A, but the whole division of his company lost their jobs so that has something to do with it... most of them big partiers and liars from what I am finding out, he met a bunch of his party friends in that last job.... where he was making great money... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, I am going to another Alanon mting today and even maybe AA....

My h has been in the high achievement drinking class, so that makes me scared he may never stop, but maybe if is the only way he can come back??? DOn't know that he would trade drinking for his family... sad?, YES... it is... he is so ugly to all of us lately, it is very sad.

Thanks for the posts..... I don't want to be the one setting ultimatums. He has said if I file for a D he will know I am the one that gave up on our M. It;s back to being my fault again...

Thanks, H

Honey,

Please don't confuse natural consequences with 'setting ultimatims'. In setting an ultimatim you lay down your request in order to get the desired effect. Threatening D if he does not quit drinking would be an ultimatim. And I'm sure it would not work. You see, my DW did not give me an ultimatim. She informed me of the direction of our relationship if everything continued down the same path. She no longer wanted to be with me because of what I had become. Later down the road I did the same thing with her EA. I told her that I never saw us being together as long as they were freinds. No ultimatim, just simple guidelines towards rebuilding our relationship.

You wanting to move on with your life and persue another relationship are the natural consequences of his actions. Don't let him throw you on a guilt trip. Don't give him that control again...

Gib