I'm a former WS, and as much as I don't like to identify myself as such I realize that my experience could help many others--both BSs and WSs.

I wanted to write a bit about how I 'snapped out' of the fog, for good.

First let me say that during the entire A I had misgivings about the whole thing. My behavior sickened and saddened me. Without having read anything about the addictive nature of an A, I knew it was very addictive. It felt like something I was drawn to- there was a pure adrenaline rush from the whole thing.

Anyway, about 14 months after DDay exOM was out of the local area visiting his extended family in another country for awhile. He'd already left his wife and kids to be near me, and I rather knew that as soon as he lived local that the A was a HUGE mistake. I just couldn't end it so easily. I'd given up so much to be with him. Surely the 'romance of the century' couldn't be a big joke, now could it? I remember that when the A first started long distance I couldn't fathom a real life with the man, but I continued the A just the same.

While EXOM was off in his own country, I first came across MB. I'd been thinking and praying about reconciliation for a long while, and in my heart always wanted to be back with my exH. (At this point our divorce wasn't final) I'd asked exH a few times if he wanted to work things out, but he had no interest in that at all, and I understood .

Here's the two things that truly brought me out of the fog:
Hearing the lyrics of a song that awakened me during the night was what truly jarred me back into reality! It was playing on the radio. For some reason I'd left the little radio on all night.

It's a song sung by Dolly Parton,EmmyLou Harris, and Linda Ronstadt. It's called Those Memories of You. BAsically the singer(s) is haunted by the memories of their lost love, and they'll love them until they die. When the sweet chords of this song came through to me as I slept I sat up straight in bed and began to cry. I realized how much I'd lost, and how much I missed my H. UP until that point I truly wasn't keenly aware of all that I'd done, or lost. Keep in mind that this was 14 months after DDay, and the affair had been going on at this point for over two years. (The first part of the affair was long distance, and it was at that point even more fantasy driven and unreal)

The second tangible thing that brought me back to reality was a hobby of mine. I'd done it almost my whole life, but I quit doing it when I started the A. I took it up again around the same time I found MB, near the same time I heard this song on the radio. It's an artistic hobby. When I began doing it again, it was like the old me came back. I know it sounds nutty, but this is truly how I see it. It helped bring me back to sanity.

I tell you this as only a way to show you how even a stable, once moral person can become very caught up in a mess, and not know who they are for awhile. If you're waiting for your WS to return to you, don't give up. When I was in the A, it was like it wasn't me. I hurt myself and those around me so deeply, and this is not like something I've ever done before in my life. Through time, I came back to my senses. It can happen to almost all WSs if time and patience are observed.

By the way, this revelation of hearing the song, and the hobby came to me THREE months before I had the courage to END THE AFFAIR. The last several months of the A (actually most of the A, after he moved near me) was nothing but turmoil and true ugliness. It was the most unhealthy relationship of my life. Don't think your WS is happy where he/she is at. It's all a facade.

Thanks for listening, and most of all I help it gives some people insight into their situation!
H_P

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Thank you hopeful person. It was as if you were writing to me here. I needed to hear this tonight. This is an answer to prayer for me.

Blessings to you.

Thank you HP,

You trully give others much needed hope with your words.

I have a question for you. Why did it take you 3 months to end the A? What were you afraid of? Were you hopping for a change within the new relationship or you knew it was over and were just looking for the "right time" to get out?

BigStar

like the other people who responded to you, I am given hope by the words you wrote.

My ex has been gone for more than 2 years and is in Alaska (as you know). I often wonder if she is feeling any of the things you describe feeling.

God Bless you,
Andy

HP, you've indeed rekindled hope but our question now is how long will our WS take to be awaken?

WHen you were in the A, did you feel tat the OM is the only one tat you do not wan to loose and yr M was a mistake.

Did the pressure from yr BS make you crave more for the forbidden love(A)? Was it as beautiful as soulmate then? If tat's how my WS is feeling, will he ever come back again? When? What if he doesn't?

Glad telling my experience could help you see how it felt a bit to be in such a bad situation, and how the fog can lift, etc.

Big Star=
You asked: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a question for you. Why did it take you 3 months to end the A? What were you afraid of? Were you hopping for a change within the new relationship or you knew it was over and were just looking for the "right time" to get out?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It took so long to end it as I'd put all my eggs in the one basket of making it work. (the affair)I'd given up so much, and exOM and I had cut ourselves off from much of the world. From the time the A started, exOM was my only close emotional tie. I more or less quit talking deeply with everyone else but him. I guess that's what you do when you share such a secret with someone.

On top of this, the relationship was very odd. He was domineering and bossy, and at the same time needy. Everytime I tried to break up and I felt the urge too even before the fog lifted, he literally cried and carried on in an unstable fashion. I felt responsible for ruining his life, and he'd say things like, "See, I knew you'd dump me, and I'd be alone." He was very dramatic. Furthermore my exH always told me he had NO INTEREST in patching things up, and I didn't want to be leaving the A and have no chance with exH. I wasn't brave enough, for a long time. I know all of it makes little sense, but these were the thoughts going through my mind. In the end, I did break up with OM, and exH still hasn't taken me back. I feel someday he will, and if not--so be it. Better to have ended the A as it was such a terrible relationship, all based on lies and deception.

Not by my will,
I'm sure your wife is feeling some of the things I felt. I can't imagine that she's very happy, knowing the pain she's caused you.

HUA,

You asked me, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHen you were in the A, did you feel tat the OM is the only one tat you do not want to loose and yr M was a mistake.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think in the early part of the A, I felt that I didn't want to lose OM. It was like an addiction. Through it all I always thought I could have my exH, I took him for granted. There was mass confusion inside of me, really. I never thought of my marriage as a mistake. I always knew the A was a huge mistake, but that didn't mean I stopped it as I should have right away.

My BS never gave me any pressure to end the affair. DDay was after we separated, and when he found out about the A he withdrew from me completely.

I did feel at times that exOM was my 'soulmate'. (gag) That didn't last long, not when I got to know him so well and saw what he was really like.

Your WS will wake up sometime, most likely, and see that the OP isn't his soulmate. I can't say when, as it's all different for everyone. Some never do change their mind on that one, and they stay with the OP. It's rare though, and those relationships fail almost always.

Wish I could be of more help,
HP

you have been of GREAT help to me!

God Be with You,
Andy

Thanks a lot HP,

I imagine our questions bring you some pain and memories of that awful time. You are very brave to have answered them for us.

Few have the courage to go through it again in their mind and speak of it to others, but please do know that you are helping everybody here by doing that.

God bless you,

BigStar

HP:
Thank you for your post. I have often wondered what my W is feeling. Perhaps it is what you felt and that gives me a glimmer of hope.

May your EH's memories of you and your life together come to him the same as it came to you.

Once his pain subsides I hope takes you back. If he does, he will have a better wife and friend in you than he ever had before your A.

Thank you and God bless you

Thank you for the hope! I really needed it. Monty said it all the way I would had to you. Thanks

HP,

Thanks for the post..it gives me some hope..which is very rare for me these days. May I ask a few questions??

It has been 7 months since d-day and the Ais about 1yr old. We are still living together and I have Plan A'd the best I could. It has been unbearable though. We are about to seperate and I am going to Plan B. My question-You said your husband totally withdrew from you. Is it correct for me to assume he Plan B'B you. And if he did how did that make you feel as your A was ongoing? See I am very scared to Plan B, I feel as though I will only push WH further away from me.

I wish I could feel hopeful, but I just can't imagine another 14 months of this pain. I'm not sure if I stick to the MB principles.

Thanks for your insight and I sure hope your right about it being a facade for most. My dh is/was involved with my best friend for the past 20 years. They have convinced each other that they have been in love all that time. Of course nothing started until she decided to leave her husband and she went looking for security. Its very hard because I know her faults and the things she gives him such as admiration are things she use to complain to me about. Like he's a workaholic and she use to rag on him to me about it but now she tells him what a hard worker and good provider he is and that I don't appreciate it. He realizes through counseling and from others in the same situation that it is fantasy but he still has such feelings for her. He says I just keep telling myself its not reality and hopefully it will sink in. Of course he still works with her but thats another subject.lol

HP,thanks for sharing your experience. Though I am a BW, I can relate to some of the events in your story.
My UH also did an A long distance by Phone and emails with an old high school sweetheart. They only had two visits together, one for 3 days, another for one week.
The last one is where he said he knew he wanted me, and it was a mistake on his part. They found themselves incompatible when they actually were together. Strange though, for a brief period after ending it he said she'd made him feel happy and it wasn't to do with sex.
Could this be part of the fog still at that point?
Obviously, it was fun while it was a fantasy world, but reality set in at the actual physical contact.
I hope your H will be able to find forgiveness and allow you a chance to rebuild together.
As for your hobbies, as the BW I lost all interest in everything I used to love, due to the depression. I found throwing myself back into my interest helped me along the healing path as well.
Though I don't really know if there is ever a full healing, it has come a long way!
Good luck to you and may God bless you with renewal in your bond with H.
LouLou

One thing that really confuses me with my WS is that she is very open to me about how miserable she is, but she will not do anything about it. ie: counselling. Can any former WS shed any light into how my wife may be feeling or thinking?

My H has said almost the same things as HOPEFUL about his A so this must be a pattern. He talks about wanting to get out months before it ended and the significance of getting to really know the OP.

Hang in there guys.

Hopeful person-
I hope to hear more from you. I am in the same position that you were in. I am in the fog and trying to break through it for the sake of my husband and child. My husband is wonderful and doesn't deserve this but for some reason I can not stop. The A has made me a monster. I know I am not that type of person. I literally feel someone else has taken over my body. Please add more helpful information (advice)

Thank you.

Hopeful Person,

Boy, I too am HOPEFUL.

Your message here is so important to those of us who are dealing with wandering spouses.

Please, please, please continue to post here. What a courageous person you are...we appreciate you more than you will ever know.

You are encouraging to each and every one of us. Please answer the questions asked of you and keep us encouraged.

I understand it is hard to post the things you are posting, but PLEASE understand how grateful we are.

damaged, at some point, most A's usually end. In the meantime, it's the consequences and damage that is done to the marriage that mounts.
I hear WS's say they can't stop. Could it be more accurate to say "They won't stop"?
I'm not trying to downplay the emotions that are involved, but when alone, wouldn't it be wise to weigh the risk,what you may lose for good than to ponder the A? make a list of your pluses and minuses.
Your H, child, home, marriage, life time commmitment, self worth and esteem, moral values. Then list what the A is offering in comparison. And when you total those two list, put a price tag by them! Because the cost is going to be one or the other. It just depends on which one you find more value in.
The A could cost you everything you love. Your child, H, marriage, home, commitment from a life partner,character, reputation, self esteem and worth.
Will you pay this price? Because many times a Betrayed spouse won't take you back or rebuild with you! Don't count on it or take it for granted.
Giving up the A though, you have lost nothing but a bad trip! It's giving you nothing your H and marriage can't give you and more with bonuses!
Truthfully, I don't think any OM/OW deserve any easy let downs, breakups or time to adjust. I think it's better to just walk away saying it's done!
Today or tonight, all you have to do is pick up a phone or email him and say I'm done! And be sure to tell him you value your marriage,H,and child more than this. And add that you request no contact whatsoever after this.
Quite frankly, none deserve the face to face goodbye.
LouLou

hopeful_person,
Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us.
I am a BS and my FWH and I have been in recovery for a little over 2 years and doing great. We have a wonderful relationship and are happy and stable.Yet I have some things that I still struggle with in my mind and belief system.I do not discuss them with him any longer as we are doing good but they haunt me occasionally. You have helped me with a couple of those things and I want to thank you.
My FWH has said some of the same things that you shared with us and I had a hard time believing and accepting it until I read it from you.I felt that he was just saying it to make me feel better. I guess it verified that it could be true hearing it from someone else in the same situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The last several months of the A (actually most of the A, after he moved near me) was nothing but turmoil and true ugliness. It was the most unhealthy relationship of my life. Don't think your WS is happy where he/she is at. It's all a facade. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Almost word for word of what my FWH said.I have found it difficult to believe.

Another thing.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My behavior sickened and saddened me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again,almost word for word. I realize that it was a form of addiction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I tell you this as only a way to show you how even a stable, once moral person can become very caught up in a mess, and not know who they are for awhile.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Verification,validation,reassurance.Thank you.

You have helped some who are still waiting on their S to return,those who are the WS's and those like myself who have recovered but still have some nagging questions.

I do not see many WS's like yourself who truly do see the reality of what they are doing or have done,feel sincere,honest remorse and regret. Most try to justify,blame,and explain but you have come here with a kind and honest spirit and I appreciate you.

I hope that you will be able to rebuild and recover your M.I hope that your BS will open his heart and allow you the opportunity to show him how much you regret this betrayal and how much you love him.My heart goes out to you as I can feel your pain as well as your sincerety.My prayers and hopes are with you. You have reached out to others in a very moving way and I believe you will be blessed in return. I wish you the best. kk

(edited to shorten post)

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>