Lisa,

BIGAMY!

You must be married to my WH! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Same words...verbatim...every single one of them.

I am closer, every single day, to taking charge of the situation and moving on. Let him wallow in his indecisiveness. I have to have a life that extends beyond the sitting here and wondering and waiting.

*S*

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa0705:
<strong>i feel as though I am drowning right along with him and I cant let that happen..I have children to care for. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa,

This was the final line you wrote that struck deep within me......

My XH sounded just like YOURS!! Our whole M!!! I heard all the same CLAP-TRAP....."I can't make you happy....." "I'm no good.....", "I should just go away, and let you have a real life....", "why do you stay with me....." blah, blah, blah..........

He is extremely passive-aggressive, and (I coined this one myself) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> "Afraid of his own success...." IOW, my X always somehow managed to F*%K up his (and MY!!) life just when things seemed to be getting back on an even keel after the last trainwreck he caused.....

So, at some level, I went into "survival mode" just to be sure I'd never go down with the ship whenever things got really bad.

I'm sorry, I wish I could give you some uplifting news, but I really don't know if there IS any!! Well, actually, there IS good news.....it's that your WH, (and mine) is extremely passive-agressive, and THAT's what all that "conversation" is about........and that you already know you are going to have to be the strong one..........he isn't able......

Will he ever pull his cranium out of his rectal cavity? I can't answer that. Counseling can help, I think, but he's got to want to

And you are not in control of that......

YOu will be in my prayers. I totally understand.

God Bless,

Lisa...

I know hon, you are saying "The answer is really obvious to me but could y'all remind me a few more times sinse I am scared senseless????"

Proud of you, you know that the children who are NOT in their 30s come first before anything else. FWIW, I wasn't sure what to do when XW took off and left me holding the bag and the baby... we did pretty darned well. Kids are a miracle, you just can't lose hope and determination when the bunchkin or your lap is poking you in the nose, drooling on you and gurgling with delight.

The 30-something child was drowning when he started cheating - throw in the money and a big old shark is in the water with you guys...

Silver lining? Second rule of lifesaving - you don't need to swim faster than the shark, just your husband.

Hang in there and we'll keep reminding you of what you already figured out until you convince yourself the other 1% :-)

2.

Lisa , I don't know how to do the QUOTE thing , BUT you said, in reponse to me that
"YOU know if you throw him out he will never come back cause of the issue with his parents doing it to him "

I will go with you on that , I can understand that no one here can say your wrong in that belief you do know this BOY the best (sorry about the BOY thing LOL)
AND I know that feeling I to could not through FWS out the second time he would have not come back I know that .

SO then the the QUESTION is are you strong enough to have your WS as a roommate ???

OR now heres a big chance , Tell him what you said, here .

SOMETHING like one last normal convo to tell him you love him and make it stick .

" H this has gone on for some time and I am at a lose for words , I love you and I know you are insecure and confused . We are not getting any where like this , I really want for you to leave , because there has come a time where each person needs to grow up and find there own way .
I feel if I throw you out you will never find your way back cause of the issuses you still hold on to from your parents doing the same thing to you . BUT I want you to know it is different I am not doing it to you you are doing it to yourself and to me & our children .

I want you , love you , and would work with you on our M and another probblems you have , but not in this manner its not healthy for me or my children . So with that said, I would like for you to be gone in (what ever 1, 2 WEEKS ) AND know that you are an adult and have to choose your own path , either to start your life without me or choose to seek help together . BUT you will not guilt me into beliving that YOU can't or don't know HOW or that any of this falls on me ."

Just throughing a thought at you , I know he doesn't hear much but its not for him its for you ,As strong as you are I am sorry to tell ya its not gonna be easy being ROOMMATES .

IF you are putting all ducks in a row then great , after they are you have to mean business with him . DON'T say it unless you mean it . Then you must follow through on it .

MY thoughts are with you , stay healthy and strong .

P.S. Do not include him in your plans with house , money , job ect.

LET him know when all of it is done .
YOU can't control him , this is now and will always be his to deal with and for him to STEP UP TO THE PLATE!

3, I love your ideas. You know how to put it in words...

Just some ideas I had to throw atchya, hope you can use some.

1. Start selling some stuff, ebay is a great place. Some of the stuff his? Then say "You know we're in dire straits and I thought selling off some of our stuff would help pay off some of our debts and enable our children to live a little normally. I'm sure you won't mind if I sell ........ because it will be going to the good of the family."

2. Start boxing up some of his not essential stuff. Tell him, "I just want to help you out when you leave, thought I'd help by boxing up some things you don't use very often." It can feel REALLY good to start this process.

3. Keep your feelers out for someone looking for a roommate.

4. Everything you say and do, do in love. It's easy to let the fear consume you. Be logical, loving, and plain...no sarcasm, bitterness (do that here), or crying (at least not much).

5. Begin making plans without him. It's very difficult because for many years you have taken his needs into account. It's time to look at the needs of the family minus HIM. No more checking up on each other...no letting him know where you'll be.

6. No buying foods for him, or fixing dinner for him...eat at a different time.

7. Schedule time (visitation) for him to be with kids. Outside of visitation times...he's not allowed to be with them or take them anywhere.

It seems like this is a way to get used to the eminent D, but that's not what this is at all (although it can help). Or that this is a way to live like roommates. I would only keep this up for a short time...all the while talking about his eventual move. What this is, is a way for him to see the cold harsh realities of the mechanics of a D early...

A wise woman told me that many people who D regret it later and want to go back but feel it's too late (especially if they or their ex-partner have remarried). I think about this quite a bit and that's why I'm one of the first to say "Go to Plan B", because this gives the S the opportunity to have regrets before a D happens. This is what I hope for you. Maybe some reality will turn your H's heart. I think it's VERY likely!

3 and Still,

Thanks for the great post. 3, I think I am going to use what you said almost word for word. It is perfect. I am starting to draft my Plan B letter, which really has been in the works since May.

On the home front-Things have been very calm. WH mood the past couple of days has been good. Strangely enought, his cell phone got turned off on Fri. Cant talk to OW constantly on the phone. (Believe me I know he still talking, but without his cell it is much more difficult because he is on the road so much). Also he has been home earlier than usual. I have been just pleasant, neither too high nor too low. Also today he showed so much motivation about work and ideas that should help us financially for the next year. This I have not seen in months. But once again I hate when he talks about the future, like it pre A and everything is just fine. One more thing about our big discussion on Sunday.

-In the middle of all this conversation I said to WH "someday you will realize what you have right here."

WH response-"I know what I have, I have the strongest person I have ever meant in my life and I have a wonderful mother for my kids and a wonderful person."

Any thoughts on this one???

I had a job interview for Assistant Manager position. I made it to the second interview. Pay and benefits are exactly where I want to be. BUT THE BIG BUT..the hours are going to be tough with the two youngest guys. See, my feeling here is that I want to be able to do this on my own. If I cant secure proper babysitting for these guys I am not going to do it. I do not want WH involved with this at all. I know I may get flamed for this but this is how I firmly feel and believe me this is part of MY recovery, knowing I can do this by myself. WH is under the impression he is going to be here to help with the kids. Well I have news for him..This way he will never be in the position to not make me happy or dissappoint again. (only in his eyes).

Boy, I think he is going to regret those words real soon. Please let me know if I am moving into B!TCH MODE to quickly here. I dont think so...I think I am finally getting a plan. Like I said in another post..I have an appt. with my accountant on Friday. WH asked me why..I said I need to take care of a few financial things. I think he is starting to notice some movement on my part.

Once again any thoughts...would love to hear from you guys..and as always thank you so much

Lisa, this is good , PLEASE stay motivated !

You need to treat him as if he is not there , continue this and stay the corse until you get eveything into line for you and your kids .

I don't mean be nasty , just no convo unless he starts and if its R talk walk away , suddenly remmber you have something to do or a call to return . NO R TALK , he will be in this mood for a day or two then he drags you back in to HIS DEPRESSION . DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT ANYMORE !!!!!!

Got to go as always here for you , be well .

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{just an innocent bump}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lisa -

I guess my advice would be to let WH have his pity party. You need to devote your energy to two other things that are pretty darned important:

- Saving your family and
- Saving your family.

Yes, they're different, because there are two huge things that go into it:

- Finances
- Emotional support.

Your finances are in the doghouse. Sounds like H ain't gonna help much to get that fixed. You've got five (!) kids in a blended (!) family, and you're going to lose everything? Focus, girl! This ain't about him anymore. Put him and all your feelings about him aside and get focused on getting yourself and all five kids safe and secure. Deal with him later.

Your emotions are in the doghouse. Sounds liek H ain't gonna help much to get that fixed. You've got... Yes, I'm repeating myself, and it's exactly the same message. Figure out what you need to do to get your kids and yourself safe and secure. Deal with him later.

You do not have the time right now!

From my point of view, this is really pretty simple. Life is falling apart around your ears and he's not holding up his end of the building. So look at it from a purely rational point of view: What can YOU do to make sure that YOU and the kids are okay even though things are falling apart? Can you just walk away from the debt and the fallen-apart finances? What happens if you take the kids and move in with your parents? Do you have a job outside of the business? Can you get one?

Sounds like you've got a whole lot of work to do, and spending your energy on WH's pity parties (I agree with 2Oak there, even if I wouldn't be quite so harsh about it) is just not productive.

You go girl! Knock 'em dead.

Need an update thinking of YOU , I hope that when you don't check in that it means you are busy planning YOUR life !!!

How did interview go ?? Wasn't it the othere day or did I miss it in the post ??

Any how try and post I will pop in later or tomorrow .

Hey Everyone,

Well I had my appt today with my accountant. He pretty much said what I thought he was going to. Gave some ideas about the business, his thoughts on re-fi the house to save it and told me not to file personal bankruptcy..amount of debt way to low. Well at least I know now what I am planning is on the right course. I have many more phone calls to make. Feeling pretty good. Oddly enough WH has been responding to that. He seems to be trying to focus on what has to be done here. ( financially speaking). Maybe its because he is seeing movement on my part??? Any thoughts on that???

I also got my call for my 2nd interveiw for my Asst. Manager job..need to set that up. I think getting out of the house and earning some money would be the best thing for me right now. I know it will help my self-esteem so very much.

I have heard some messages from OW to WH on his cell voice mail, and it sounds as though she has not been happy lately at all. Poor baby. So what do I do, I am HAPPY and focused and I think it may be scaring WH. Anyway talk to guys later..jump in here anytime and let me know your thoughts.

Luv Ya

Lisa

WAY to GO GO GO GIRL , WHAT do ya do ? Well do , go get that job and make those calls , just keep on doing DOIN DOING FOR WHO ???? YOU!!!!!!!!!

Scared well you ain't seen nothing yet , he will $HIT himself , while wataching his life pass him by , if he don't jump on its his problem .

OW not sounding so good , POOR BABY thats an understatement ,,,,,, WHO GIVES A CRAP is more like it .

NOT your concern , don't you dare start going down the road of obsessing with them .

ok I am done .

3isa,

Thanks for taking time to check on me...yes I am GOING...GOING...GOING. Getting those ducks in a row. One piece of advice my accountant gave me(he is also my cousin) was "if you can start to get straightened out financially and feel as though you have a plan to get your business back to where it was, I bet the personal stuff may start to be resolved one way or another." I fully agree with this, at least the financial strain and stress would be lessened.

Oh believe me I am not obessing about them at all, all I am doing is using what I know to my advantage. P.S. Since our Sunday blow-up and my attitude of late..WH is been trying to be all over me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Playing a little hard to get. Having fun with it also.

3, Ihave been reading your thread and am sorry you feel this way. I havent replied because I have no idea what it would be like to be in recovery. Just knowing I am think of you and praying for you.

Lisa

Thank you for the prayers , I do hope all will pass .JUST as I do for you .

Your accountant /cousin is right with a PLAN things do go smoother.

All this helps in so many ways , first it is something for you to take charge with .(CONTROL) and its nice to be able to be in control of something . ( can't control ws)

Also some men (we talked about this already ) need someone to take control of something in there world to put them on track give them something to look at as positive .

I know your doing this for you and your kids protecting yourself and them .

But cousin wasn't off in that statement , he in JMVHO will start to see things can work out with alittle effort and work .

This may be the things to snap him out of the FOG he is in little by little . You are to busy for him and his problems he will want in to your world .

Hes all over you , NO NO NO do not bite , he wants to eat some more cake NO GOOD!!!

I know its hard belive me , but no contact then he can have a taste . LOL

Hey --

Sounds like you're already way ahead of me. I'm glad to hear it! The accountant and the job stuff is perfect, and yes, that energy in the air, as Cerri says, is sometimes enough to clear the fog. Not often, but sometimes. You just keep right on going, girl!

Ok where are ya, don't you think that we need an update . whats up ?? how did second interview go ? Have you had it ? When are you scheduling it ?

SEE if you don't check in then I will go question crazy LOL

Hope all is well , thinking of you .

Hey 3,

I am still here, my 2nd interview is on Friday morning. Feeling good about it even though hrs will be difficult with the little ones, but I dont have a choice right now.

On the home front, I have been a raving maniac again and WH said to me the other day "I think I may have pushed you over the edge." I basically told him this can not continue and I am ready to "let go". WH in his not so loving way right now, said he was angry and upset because I feel this way, I told him to come and reclaim his life and wife or I am done. His says he "loves me dearly" but doesnt know what to do. I told him to please just leave me and file for divorce. WH says "he has no plans to leave me." He also said "I am right now doing alot of soul-searching and thinking about my whole life up to this point, and what I want. It does upset me greatly that I am going to lose you." He did admit to me the other day he feels as though he "knows nothing about what a relationship is suppose to be like and maybe his ideas of a marriage are just plain wrong." "I have alot to learn." I am trying to be calm and listen to him but it is very hard. I know he needs me to be his friend right now but I cant, because I guess I just want my HUSBAND back right now.

About throwing him out..well right now with our financial situation..I will surely then lose everything. I know this is wrong, but I have the kids to think about. In all honestly he really isnt even home that much and I guess right now that is okay with me. WH has court on Tues. for Child support and we are sure he is going to jail, we just dont have it and his ex has already stated she is telling the judge she wants it all in a lump sum payment or his goes to jail. And we are so far behind I know the judge will throw him in jail. So I guess I have to start running our Lunch Truck during the day. Right now, I feel as though WH is very close to hitting rock bottom. Any thoughts.

Lisa

My thoughts well I am thinking while I am reading ,HHHHHMMMMMMMM sounds like he has said this already .
Remeber way back I said you its scraming yelling , then you back off , then he gets confused , then it gets to you again and he is sweet saying things then wait he will start the attitude again .

ONE BIG FENCING CAKE EATING CIRCLE!

I hate even using cakeeater , I know that word when people use to say it to me made me feel ashamed of myself .

I do truely understand the financel mess and him not leaving . BUT I am telling this living with the contact is not healthy . (first hand )

SEE you go through stages you where on a high , motivated this was a good thing , but him being there will always get your goat . Its hard to be around someone you love and they are not them self .

Thats what PLAN B is I know you know that .

With not talking or seing him it allows you to keep your life moving . Him in your face is a reminder all the time .

I don't have the right answer the words to tell you .

Sound like a broken record but it was said, to me if you are going to live with it in your face then you have to ignore ignore ignore and live your life .

So with that said, take care of yourself and rember only thing you can do is for you . You will know when you want to let go .