3,

How dare you delete your posts before I have a chance to read them!!!!! Got on the board as soon as I got home and what do I get? Nada, zip, zilch. :

e-mail me girl. Spill it wouldja? I know your H did not stand up for you, mine did not either, well, not much anyway. So I gotcha. I understand why it is so hard. Been there. Still there sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. Gosh thank you ark^^ and TOFT for saying hi. I have been off board lately, thinking I am not much help. You make me feel good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> p Also, thankyou MIMI, I only want to help and I am glad I could help you a little, even if it is 3's post. Read your posts regularly. Sorry for the hijack 3.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

3isa

I pray that you are well...

I keep typing stuff and deleting it...

I don't what "place" you are in in all of this...so I am leary to post anything...

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ARK

3,

Are you okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Just want you to know I am praying for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

HI all , ARK never be leary ! I take all OPOINS and advice . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MY last post yesterday is where I am at .

STUNNED , really hit the nail on the head .

AND SO did everyone else that TOW site really got me .

MM stop yelling LOL I posted , had to delete it went wild on me (computer 3posts same thing )

HAD open school for kids last night , and H was busy at work all day and really did not call me .

WELL me and my BIG mouth slammed down on him before he got home . I told him that I really don't care how busy he is at work its no excuse and if he doesn't think of me enough to call then he shouldn't bothered being M .

OK was that a LB !!! I was crying after I hung up , I am being a child , I know there is a major project going on at work and although a MANAGER he rolls up his sleeves and gets dirty to meet the dead line (LACK OF WORKERS ) .

He talks to me about his job I am the one who helps do all memos and know the projects .

I know he is busy ,,, WHY WHY WHY ?????I AM NUTS .

WELL no he did not fight back , he just said, I did not forget you and yes I know I am M , I love you . I am just simplely busy that is it no underlined motive . I know you are insecure but I do have to work and YOU called me to let me know what you are doing so we did talk . I told you then that I was busy you heard the machines.

BUT he came home ,and was tottaly normal and we went to meeting . After we talked awhile about him telling her he agreed if she contacts should speak to her he will tell her .

SO where am I , I think he is lying . NO I did not say that . But I am thinking it.

Why cause at this point I feel he will say anything to get me past this so I will calm down .

Now I guess I am sending him into that palce where he won't feel safe to be honest .

Some where along this I need to fix this cause with our personalitys this M is going to take a nose dive into hell .All that hinges on me I know .

I need to fix me , and get passed some of this .

I have to stop walking around sabatoging my own recovery and the recovery of my M .

I guess I am jealuos also that I feel his personal recovery is doing better then mine , I should feel happy cause I had alot to do with that , and he has stated that many of times .

If I was not as strong and understanding he would not have gotten to the place he is at witch is to relize he is not a BAD person or some kind of MONSTER .

Now that he has tried to help me in the same manner to understand this was not my fault but his decesion and that in no way shape or form was she better then me , I have not come to understand it . My self esteem is just gone low since some weight gain that I can't seem to get control of .

OK I got to go . I know I am a confusing person I can't always seem to get it all on to the paper as it is in my head . I am a slow learner to so , I got the hard hat on for I know I deserve the BONK on the head I have recieved and may recieve .

I see it all , I just don't grab it right away . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This grief for missed time and grief for what your M could be is normal, normal, normal. You are feeling badly, and beating yourself up for feeling badly. It's OK to feel bad, and your H understands you will have times like this. This will pass...but you are trying not to feel this...like there is something wrong, with you or your M. What if this is a natural fluctuation in a M, a time when you need a little more care.

It's time for you to be honest with yourself, and LET yourself feel bad...the more you struggle against these hurt and angry feelings, the longer they last. So, how do you express these feelings so it doesn't hurt you, your M or your H? Got me...working out seemed to help before. Write in a journal??? Or write here? Start a rantrave thread (I've done that a few times, I'm sorry for those that have read it, I'm feeling much better now, thank you.).

Let yourself cry and feel hurt. You bottled it in for so long, and now you're beginning to trust your H, but it hurts. Be honest with him and let him know WHY you are so insecure.

3 have you tried telling him that you know you are LBing and you truly want to stop but you really need his help. Ask him for his help..stop yelling and accusing.

Tell him you want to move past this more then anything...but again you need his help.

Ask him for permission to have an open conversation (not LB fest) with him. Tell him you'd like to tell him where you are at, what you feel and what you think you need. Also tell him that you want to hear the same from him..where is he at, what does he feel, what does he think he needs.

When he tells you LISTEN, don't interrupt, don't judge and don't LB. Keep a neutral face and voice if it kills you!

I would suggest that one of the thinks you ask for is MC...then find a good one! I know he hasn't really wanted to do this but ask him what it could hurt at this point. Why not give it a try...why not get all out and deal with it so you can move on. Explain that this is like a scab that partially heals and then gets opened up again, starts healing, breaks open..you get the picture. Tell him you want to heal the wound once and for all.

As far as your self esteem issues..all of us BS's have been there. What I hear you saying is that it's hopeless, you can't get your youth back, looks, weight, etc. Well the age things is true but the rest isn't.

I was more attractive then the OW but my self esteem as a woman was still almost destroyed. This spurred me into doing everything I could to feel better about me....I lost 10 lbs, work out like a demon with my H, upgraded my wardrobe, started wearing make up again, getting a tan...well I look great and feel great again...my H noticed and so do men everywhere I go...it feels good.

Don't sell yourself short...this is something you can take controll of...make a list of what you want to improve about your looks, personality, etc...go for it!!!

SHMI- if I start one of those threads they will boot me out of hear for sure LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I feel so stupid even posting sometimes , like I am annoying. I am ain't I .

This low feelings are so over wheelming , makes me feel like d-day sometimes .

I know that 90% of this is all me not him . I am insecure , and I know it is him who has to help with that to , but its me cause I can't see his help .EXPLAIN OK

He does try I just reject what he gives , like a kid . I want all not alittle or what he is able to give . This inturn I know will only cause him not to give at all out of being frustrated that "it will never be enough for you , nothing I do is ever good enough"

He is right in those statements as nasty as I am , I am expecting him to come back for more .

I know I know after awhile how much do you expect someone to take . Like I said, its like I am testing how much he will take and if he don't , I beat him up with the A ..

YES you are correct in your statement I need to let myself feel this but I don't want to I want him to FIX ME , witch I am finding out is not his place until I FIX ME.

I look in a mirror and see nothing , well not true I see UGLY , fat, streach marks,and old comeing fast . ALOT of other terriable things as well but ya'll might think I am going for pity .

I do tell him I am scrared to death , that he may stray and lie about it , that I am not good enough for him , that XOW may start up again and he will not tell her .

He tells me I beutiful , the body thing well he says well work on it but its not bothering him , and he can't control XOW calling ,,, so why waste anytime thinging of the what ifs ?? when we should be enjoying our selves .

We came back from a weekend he planned for us (no kids ) we are going away again colubus weekend with kids . He is making plans for us to go away in FEB. for our ANNVERSARY .

very much just is normal life , the only one not normal is me . I am sure that when I am like this it is very unattractive to him to want to do /or show any type of affection to me .

Well got to go H called he is picking up dinner at the OUTBACK (favorit place to eat )

See its me , I start to think its an excuse to be away from me alittle longer (no I did not say that aloud )

Thinking getting drunk to relaxe myself might work tonight .

Thanks all !!

Forever - sorry I must have posted the same time didn't see ya there .

I need to get some control before I ask for that convo . I have worn out my welcome for R and OW talk right now (all the LB this week every min/sec.) So I need to get grounded and chill before I approach plus I am not feeling LOW KEYED yet . I am still in pissy mood .

When I am like this GOOD MORNING catchs me wrong . LOL I am so messed up and need to stay away from him in away . I am even feeling sorry for him that he is taking it all but I know H he will pop soon and shut down if I don't find my off BUTTON .

THANK YOU

It's like you've been a Giver so long that your Taker has decided to take over now. Your child is stomping their foot and saying "It's MY turn". So, what do you need? It's time to tell your H what you need, and give him what he needs too. So what do you need? More compliments? Sounds like he's stellar in surprises (takeout and trips, I wish my H would do those things...)

Sounds like you need MUCH MORE Reassurances.

Time to slyly move up close and say, "Whisper something sweet to me in my ear."
Or, "I Love it when you tell me how good I look."

How about talking with him about how much sweet talk you need, and there are times when you need it. Work out a funny hand signal or some other way you can let him know you need a compliment right then...make it humorous so you can both laugh about it, like...replace the word compliment with banana...so you can say "Honey, I need a banana."

Just some thoughts.

Humor, humor, humor, humor... Make jokes, make humor, have fun. When you take yourself so seriously...then it will escalate.

And you are NORMAL!!!!

SHMI- Your thoughts are wonderfull , thanks .

I just now need to get to that place , It seems as last night I really had crossed to many lines .

He was in a mood , from being accused all day about still having feelings or contact with ohter women that he went in to one of his "OLD" personality fits.(I knew it was coming I pushed way hard LB'ing for week now)

That started a major fight , he IGNORED me in that oh so wonderfull way he mastered .

I screammed till every vain popped out to get him to talk witch lead to crying witch lead to not talking at all .

All I said, before bed was you need to talk so we could work out a D agreement . He rolled over and said, I lOVE YOU , good night .

The only words spoken during the fight when it got started was said, to push my buttons and it did .

He told me go to HELL I am not being punished and accused for something I am not doing and as far as the mistake I made I will not live with it thrown in my face every second .If that makes me not remorsefull then tough $hit . I will do no more work on this , I won't give you what you need AT ALL until YOU (ME) change your attitude and work with me not against me .

Until that time I will no longer be affectionate in ANY WAY .
I am not attreacted to some screaming lunitic(ME)

Well instead of me seeing this the way I guess I should have I dove right back in ..

Thinking that WHO THE HE!! is he to make any demands on me I AM THE FAITHFULL one always was .

I justy got this thing all of a sudden that I didn't have before that I am the only one here who has the RIGHT to call all the shots .

My TAKER taking over UNDERSTATEMENT I am the DEVIL .

Baby steps , I keep telling myself thats what it was going to be , then that GUY with the horns showed up on my shoulder and I ran with HIM .

I know what to do , I know I got to chock on all this to right the wrong that I am doing its just not clicking . Is divorce a cop out . ????

Is it away for me not to face the one step at a time recovery process ?? Am I just scared to death to be truely happy?? Am I scared not to be a NUT case ???

Am I truely affraid that its ME not HIM ???

I can't even answer my own questions . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I hit personal bottom once , what its not enough for me I want to revisit this horriable place ?

We are going out tonight to sisters house to hang out , then tomorrow is our SUNDAY football day together . WE cook and then watch the game , This is our thing we talk , joke , cuddle , get real into the game , we always make bets on scores plays during the game ect. Alot of fun . We always look forward to SUN,game day .

Do I really want him doing this a year from now with OW or any OW ??

Got to go , thanks all . OK SMHI I am RANTING , venting , yelling , and plane out screaming . Is this how it goes ..

I want my sanity back , where do I look for that ? If anyone sees it bring it to MB lost and found thread marked 3 . THANKS

ANYONE want to take a swing at ME ??? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

3,

The wall, go vent and talk to the wall. Preferably out of earshot of the children but within earshot of your H. Maybe first just do it for only your ears.

It will make you cry. Your need for reassurance at this time is great. Justifiably so. Not necessarily something your H may be read to accomodate though. This is his withdrawal also and u 2 are clashing on whose needs need to be met. Very normal.

Let's give you some tools to survive.

My contributation is: Talk to the wall.
Say all the loving and vent as needed. Speak softly, cry, hug your pillow. Let the wall know your inner feelings and don't expect a response.

Your H is probably confused like many a WS and does not know how to make it up to you because your way and his ability are still very far apart.

Others will come in with more comments.

Hang in there, you are on the right track. Don't divert to anger.

hugz,
L.

Boy and his Taker is putting his foot down too.

It is HARD work to recover...and to recover to what? Life with a man who betrayed you? So why do we want to stay and work on the M?

I think it's different for each person. For me it's because I've built a life and have kids. We have plans for the future and I'd like a companion (someone who remembers when I was young and pretty and still sees me that way).

But that doesn't make it any easier to live with them. H and I are in MC now...is that something you guys would consider?

I guess I am jealuos also that I feel his personal recovery is doing better then mine , I should feel happy cause I had alot to do with that , and he has stated that many of times .

3

I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Wife and I went to the Marriage Builders Weekend in Orlando.

In many ways I feel so bad bringing all of this to your attention. But I do feel strongly that you have recovery needs. And they are YOUR needs. It doesn't matter if they are right or wrong they are what they are and they are what you need to move forward. If they go unmet then you falsely recover.

Now to your point of being jealous because his recovery is ahead of yours..

IT SUCKS!!!!! But you know what that is how it happens. My wife had a 2 1/2 year affair. Her memories of feelings and events are fading fast. She says its like a bad nightmare. And she can fully wakeup once I quit hurting so much.

In other words if I weren't in pain she would be fully recovered.

But that is how it works so accept it. After all they lived the affair. However long it was is how much ahead of you they are in understanding the affair and letting go. They also have all the pieces of the puzzle since they lived it. So they don't waste time trying to put together the affair puzzle like the BS spouse does. The longer you spend putting the pieces together the even further down the road of recovery they leave you.

Its a vicious cycle but it IS the way things happen.

Take on part of comfort in this though. If he is further down the road to recovery then odds are he is even further away from those feelings he had for the OP and the needs that led to the affair.

So lets forget his recovery and go back to yours.

3 can you kindly ask him to write a letter NEVER TO BE SENT to the OW? Can you tell him in advance you need this? And if he would write this letter strongly denouncing the affair and strongly reaffirming his love for you then you could have closure. And once you both have read the letter then bury it somewhere special or burn and scatter the ashes somewhere symbolic?

Could he do this for you? And if he did could you accept that as a true and solid act of love for you and remorse for the hurt he caused you?

Could this not be a fair compromise that meets your needs?

Food for thought.

One other thing does he read this forum? If not do you think he better understand you if he read this thread?

Take care 3 you have been in my thoughts and prayers I was just away from a computer and unable to get back to you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

3,

Stunned dad is really reaching out, and has great advice for you.

Listen up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Know that you are cared for and that you are worthy.

If you haven't deleted it , please read my first response to you in my email to you.

My FWS never sent a no contact letter, and it did take awhile for me. FWS is always ahead of BS because they have all the puzzle pieces. You don't have them all yet. It will be okay.

Remember this, your FWS chose you, YOU. Pleasepleaseplease quit LBing. It will get better.

Don't go back to where you were.

Love and Prayers, as always,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Stunned- No need to explain , I am greatfull for your time and any response .I must say bringing all these things to my attention has made me open up to alot in myself that I was keeping in.

Answer some of your questions .

Yes I have thought the same thing over the wekend about asking him to write such a letter .
Do I think he can do this ? I don't reaaly know .
I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of FWS , but I think for HIS recovery (and everyone is dofferent ) that he would want to do this .

You see while he was officially ending this R (witch he says he did before he came home ) he told me everything they talked about when he spoke with her . He would tell me all the details of him explaining to her that he does not have any feels for her . That they should have not gotten involved that he just wanted to help her .

MISS M knows what I am talking about .

Anyway I know H would feel he has done this already , and would not want to bring any more conversation to surface about this women .

He , like I reached BOTTOM , for him he had never experienced anything like this before (so many emotions ) he is not use to being out of control or emotionaly unstable and that is what he was .

Crying was not something he did alot of . (that man thing he was raised with)

And crying and being ill was all that happened day in day out for the past year and also when he first came home .

Ok moving on . does he read here ?

Yes he read here lurked some what . I did not push , nor do I . How can I say this , he understand its real , but truely does not like to face the pain .

He knows I am hear and thinks its good some times but does not agree its good to revisit through someone elses pain . (am I making sense )

On recovery MARKS W falsely recovered , that sent me off track and I applied it to my life , H was aware of this , and thats where he feels this is not good . All it did was set me into thinking wow its so easy to be in false recovery .

This H was aware of its one of the time he choose to lurk here .

Also H has a hard time knowing that I am not as strong as he fels I always was . He admired me for this while I was supporting him in his time of need . I was falling apart but he insisted I was an OAK .

I don'r know if any of this helps hear at all , to understand me and him .

I know I have the tools to help myself , I have to find away to apply them .

PUZZLES , this could be why since childhood I have always hated them , never completed them and always seem to be missing pieces .LOL

I feel like I am facing wether or not we should be together cause I know I will never get exactly what I want .

do I want comprimise yes , but am I being selfish , yes to a degree .

I am not am excuse making person , say it like I feel it at the time .

Right now I know I need to calm down and think , find a different approach (no LB) .

All I have done is put him on the defensive right now , and he some times is lost so he goes right in to I'LL punish you back and I want control , get over it mood .

Things calmed down to an exstent sat. night and then alittle more SUN .

Also when he gets wound up I start thinking they resumed contact . Not saying that I am 100% that that he hasn't but more then likely this is me cause I am the one who has gotten him to this nasty attitude so I should see that I contributed to this and he reacting to me and my anger .

MC not yet , I think part of this is he can't face that I am not strong enough to just make it work me and him . That we can do this together .

And in case you haven't noticed I got some very big issuses with hating XOW . Accompanied with low self esteem . Well shake , mix and stir and well you got possion for self recovery .

as always I am reading and listening I am confused I have to find my strength in all this .

I think I better hurry before he does go resume contact . maybe that is it I am testing to see if the going gets rough will he get going again . ???????????????????????????????????????

Good morning 3. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've been reading a lot here and have you noticed that there seems to be a lot of BS's that are having problems with recovery right now? Maybe it's just the time-frame and mind-frame we're in now.

But what Stunned Dad wrote to you, that we BS's waste a lot of time trying to put the A puzzle together, looking for missing pieces and getting further behind in recovery, just smacked me right between the eyes!(Thanks SD!) I'm so guilty of that. Checking cellphone bills to see if I can pick which nights they spent together. What were they doing when I was doing such and such? What a waste of valuable time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and makes me feel like crap all over again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

3, in addition to the letter to OW from your H, maybe you could write your feelings to your H (instead of shouting them!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and ask him to do the same for you.

I know you can work this through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Morning TO4T, Yes I read alot here to , thats why I started to feel safe again about posting this BUMP in the recovery . I was scared at first cause I felt alone , that this was not right . But yes I guess there are stages to this process .

I don't know if its more MY personal recovery that bothers me .

As you know from keeping up with my very long DRAMA that I had , I always seemed to want to keep that attitude that I was alright with it all , He needed to do what he had to for him in order to to choose me .

I always figured if it ended up being false and contact happened again that I was in a place to let go , cause I won't take him back again . (and I wouldn't )

BUT , I find now that all this process had made me feel that there is to many angels for them to resume contact . AND I stood by him and sucked up so much that I have alot of resentment for the chance that they could very well hook up again .

I am waiting for it to happen and want to be able to jump it right away , instead of living my life .

I went to gym this morning , I am working out more at home as well . I am going to start a diet today need to loose that 20. lbs .

I decided after that , that I will start to visit at work soon . I know he will get pissed off , but it is one of the things that I feel I can do to make me secure . (she works close by him )

I want to do it to see him , but more in hopes she sees me . That is why he will get pissed . But there should be nothing to hide at this point . So if in a month or 2 he gets mad about it , I will know there is something more to this .

I want a different type of marriage , part of what we had and another of what he was missing and part of what I was holding back .

I am going to try to be the way I truely want to be , if he rejects it then I will continue ,if he rejects it some more then we will have to part ways .

I am going to step back for a week or 2 get my head in a better place , (no screaming ) The PLAN ,,,, Go after what I want , my H love .

I need to open up and take the risk , flirt , flaunt , laugh , and be me .

I can no longer worry about getting hurt , if it will happen then it will . I need to go back to that way of thinking . I need to be me . Also ME has a big mouth and I need to learn how to close it a BIT .

NOT sew it up cause what I have to say is important , I need to rember what I found out about myself while he was gone , when I was ready to start my life . That I have a right to be happy . And although he may not agree with the way I feel and even think its stupid , it is the way I feel and that is IMPORTANT .

I can't allow anything to go backward from here on in . I can't let him shut down on me , I can let him get back to that , your way of thinking about things (feelings ) are not worth addressing .

he can avoid conflict . And that is a big change he mad , so I need to stop , cause anyone can change right back into what they changed for the better if not given the motivation to continue the good work LOL

Ok I am rambling , we are away week end after next so I am trying to keep cool until then and after that I need to go to work on this stuff .

ME , and then me and him issues .

PS, I to waste time looking things up LOL OLD HABBITS DIE HARD ( is that how the saying goes)

3,

Just checking in on you. Hope you are feeling better and have stopped LBing for awhile.

Sometimes it feels like two steps forward and one step back.

Speaking of STEPPING BACK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> LOL

Anyway, hope you are ok. Looking forward to an update. I know you are trying to process everything posted to you. You have had a lot of great advice.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

but am I being selfish , yes to a degree

3 as my 6 year old would say HORSE HOCKEY!

I will never accept the concept that a betrayed spouse can be selfish when what they seek is quite normal. By that full and total disclosure and reommittment to the marriage that was betrayed.

Yes there has to be limits. He doesn't have to write a blow by blow anthology. And he doesn't have to take a full page ad in USA Today. BUT HE DOES have to do the things that atone for his poor choice as long as it is not demeaning to him. Standing up to the other woman is not demeaning to him...maybe uncomfortable...but not standing up is demeaning to you.

To atone for the lieing and decieving needed to have an affair he must pay you back with complete and total honesty.

Those are resonable requests. Necessary requests for recovery. And something YOU must have in order to put the past behind you.

Part of this need is not the actual requests themselves but the willingness of the BS to do so.

Buying you a dozen roses on command is not the same thing as finding a single daisy on your pillow placed there for no apparent reason at all.

Willing to give you the truth, willing to stand up for you is not the same thing as having the truth dragged out of them or forcing them to stand up for you or you will walk.

You seek a committment of willingness more than than actual things you are asking for.

Does that make sense?

"COMMIMENT OF WILLINGNESS" Thats the ticket LOL

This is the thought preocess that I have been trying to convey since my hole mess started , the N/C issue . You exspressed it perfectly . now I can explain myself again . This is what I been getting at , at all points (MISS M , TO4T, SHMI this goes way back to the N/C issue)

I want his willingness to commit , I want it to be his decision . I want it when he is ready for it .

STUNNED , yes that makes 100% sense . I want the daisy from the heart not the roses on demand .

SO the problem that I was/am left with is why ???

I do not want him to write a letter cause it will help me , I want him to write it or tell her (phone) cause HE WANTS to help me .

I wanted N/C cause he knew it was what he wanted , cause he knew it wasn't commitment to M until then , cause he was done with her ect.

Now I get the concept and I thought I did , my problem is , does this mean he is not in recovery , or commited to M ????

Also whats the sense for agreements if the other person is doing because of all the wrong reason .

EXAMPLE - whats the sense of him calling , being accountable , cell phone disclosure , pass words ect. If in his heart he or any ws thinks its really not nessecary ???

H needs to want it not me wanting it for the both of us . Its like sex , is he having it cause he knows it means something to me and its a need to me so he goes through the motions to keep me from thinking he is not getting it else where . (not saying he is doing or saying anyof the above just example )

I mean he at one point thought N/C was hopeless and said, I realy don't know whats the big deal of a phone call once in awhile if this keeps her out of our life if it satisfies her itch sort of speaking .

he said, it only bothered him cause it drove me nuts , so that is why he says he went to N/C .

Understand ??? am i making sense ???

I just feel I am settling at this point , waiting for him to take things slow or the possiablity that he don't ever get it to the degree I do .

maybe that just makes the reason for D , 2 people who just don't want the same M .. This bothers me cause that was the man I married .

I could almost close my eyes sometimes and be thinking wow a rose for no reason would be nice (he use to do that when dating off the street pull over those guys selling 1 rose , just because )

We married and he continued to do that , chocalate under the pillow if he left early and I was sleeping , little notes ,blindfolded ride to the beach to look at ocean and say I love you this was our first date and where he asked to marry me .

He didn't play it out I never knew it would happen , but it did just to let me know he thinks of me that way , still loves me ect.

ok I am rambling , if I talk about that stuff cause I just want an honest answer why don't you any more ?? I get well we where young and now we are older its stupid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> or you know I love you .

I don't know man is that wonderfull feeling about an age limit ? I never thought so . And $hit I still don't . I want that , I don't want to beg for it, or remind someone for it , want that person(H) to feel it want to do it , be silly , gooffy ect.

where did my H go ? why did he let her take that from me ? why do I have to share that with XOW ?
It was my marriage and now its changed forever and the good parts of it are gone , the parts that I got married for .

His humor, adventure, his touch , his need for me to need him .

WOW I am depressed again .

Miss M you said, you where waiting for an update sorry I rambled the crap out of this post .

I am stepping back LOL (you snuck that in there)
I am not LB'ing . I am trying to R talk very little and if I get no pesponse I back off FOR NOW .

trying so hard to enjoy him , and see what he is doing .(hard cause like I said, he was in that punishment mood for a day or 2)

I am working all day on a memo for him (job) then we need to go over the draft tonight after he goes to second job.(new business deal with Brother ) He is doing some construction work for him SAT> and 3or4 nights a week for a month or 2 .

I was ok with it , I mean its an investment for US , BUT he is away and I think about if he will call OW . I mean he keeps in touch with me but theres that dought once in a awhile .

I am so scared of contact picking up , more for what I will do then the fact of it . It would not be good for him or her to get court lying to me .

I am fine with , I am leaving for OW , but not for hiding it . THIS would send me on a rant like no other .

GOT to fly , I never shut up !!!!

STUNNED Thank You again , your words of wisdom are very helpfull and I do so appreciate all that you have to offer . Your thread on your MB weekend was very powerfull .