</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean he at one point thought N/C was hopeless and said, I realy don't know whats the big deal of a phone call once in awhile if this keeps her out of our life if it satisfies her itch sort of speaking .

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHAT THE F????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Okay now I am pissed. Give me back that two by four I used in an earlier thread. Point me to your wayward spouse. Stand back and let me deal out 50 WHACKS! Psst he's not some 6 foot 5 muscle bound gorilla is he? If so I will just bring my idiot uh er I mean my elephant gun! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Geesh 5'2" 110 lbs whats this mans problem!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
3 sorry your spouse hasn't gotten it I know it must feel bad.

Recover for yourself first and if its meant to be for your marriage as well.

Take care.

STUNNED BREATH IN BREATH OUT .........

Elephant GUN would have been better(5'8 225) LOL

MY fault I was rambling in explaining things , He has not said, those statements NOW ,, It was in the past Over a year ago (about the N/C)

I was trying to explain that I never forced him into doing things for me but wanted him to do them for US (me) . MAKING SENSE.

The hole thing was in explaining "willingness to commit"

He did get it and thats why it took so long , it was until HE GOT IT !!!

I agree if he made that statement now then I would know he was still in FOG and DIDN'T get it .

I know MISS M agrees with me , he went through his withdrawl and out of FOG while he was home going through all the DRAMA him and OW where doing to one another .

Things are slowly moveing back , last night was good , NO I did not yell at all .
He didn't work at brothers place last night , he came home extra early , thanked me for working on his proposal and memo for work .

We talked some and watched tv together . This morning he was very jolly and kissy faced .

On a better note its final , his JOB has him getting ready to change sites again . He will be running a new project for the company starting NOV.

And GUESS what its over here IN OUR BOURGH (queens ) XOW far away . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
He still will go back and forth to main office 2x a week . Updates on progress and payroll , pay check ect. But on the majority he will not be near her, any of her friends, or family .

So if if if ,,, they started any contact that was being kept under raps she would soon flip out and I would be sure to find out .

You know I got to stop thinking about renewed contact , If it happens I will find out , they always get court one way or another .

Ok so thanks to you all , I am gaining my strength back and trying to get back on the road to recovery .

Srating diet today OH JOY !!!

Got to tell ya that infedlity diet was the only way I lost so much 52 lbs .

But we will keep that one off the market , theres to many side affects. (INSANITY LOL )

Bye for now .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Got to tell ya that infedlity diet was the only way I lost so much 52 lbs .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I didn't lose 36 lbs eating carrot sticks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well ok who said, this thread can die LOL

So we are going to sisters house for weeekend . H and BIL are playing golf on SUN. in the A.M.

ALL basicly good things NORMAL things .
All things I hoped for the family life ect.

So where are we now ? WELL I know I need to work on me alot more . I thought I had but its obviuos that I was covering up some issues I got .

NOW does he need to work yep .

I know there are things he must relize and not AVOID .

Normal to him may seem as if I should be over it by now . DO I see a pattern in recovery for alot here yep so am I alone NOPE . Does that make me feel better NOPE .

I am having major doughts as to weather OW and him may speak .

He seemed to be getting it alot better and all of a sudden not so much . So am I wanting to place BLAME some where YEP . Is this the first palce to go with it , I think normal .

But I didn't I blamed me first thinking theres so much work I need to do and I am LB'ing so that must be the affect I am having on him .

Not so sure now , I mean should I take responsiblity yep , but could there be some other reason for him shutting down and he is trying to turn the tables for me to focuse on me YEP .

Lets keep in mind here H never wants XOW to know he is home . forget for a minute all the stupid excuses cause some of you know there woppers .

Now if she don't know then , she can't be blamed , witch H has never wanted me to do from beging .

HAVE I had the HONEST TALK yes , asked him straight out . HAVE you spoken to MS. THING ?.
ANWSER HE!! NO , not ever going to open up that can of worms again took to long to get rid of her .

Do you think of her ? only when you mention her , and only for that moment. I wonder if she is ok.
(I hope dead)LOL

So theres where I am , is it any where . ??

I am still so confused , but I will not throw that towel in yet .

i need to leave no atone unturned , so back on the raod driving slow down recovery . ok bye

Just some update .

3,

This thread is not dead yet, as I need to respond to your last post.

Yes, you need to do some more work on you. Forgiveness for one. Accepting the things you cannot change.

You know that my H did not end things like I would have wished. But it HAS ended.

Keep stepping back from all of this and think to yourself. I AM WORTHY. And fill those EN's of your H's.

Keep working on you and you will get what you need. Not in your time or when you think you should have these things. Keep up the good work, keep praying for another man to come into ow's life, and no more LBing.

You had a little fall and it is not the end of the world. You are okay. Remember 3, it is early days, and it will all come to you.

It is very hard sometimes. I know you feel you need this one thing, for ow to know that your H is back with you. This will come.

Be sweet, I know you are. Good things come to those who wait.

Thanx for the jokes. LOLLOLLOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Prayin' for ya.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

HI MM , TY for responding I knew those joke would bring you out . LOL

I hope I sent you the one about the KID and the MOM .

Thats how I feel right now with my 9yr. son . LOL
Hes giving me such a problem with scool , work , ect. things people don't go through till there beging teens LOL

Also sad to report a fight this morning , yep H & I . House is to messes for his liking .

Well I won't clean any more if I already did it once , see my kids are slobs . And I would mop a floor 10 to 15 x's in a day (that is the trueth ) always spilling things not caring . So now I wip it up and wait till next day to mop cause I already did it I AIN"T doing it again .

So he stepped in something sticky this morning and started (not yelling ) but saying I am a pig , I was waking up after a night of nightmares of OW telling me she is still seeing him and laughing in my face .

So needless to say there was no stepping back more like steppin in the face . I may be 5'3 but I get on up there . LOL

And one word turned into another and I said, well if OW was so much more cleaner then go back to her . He said, something like every BS'S favorit line "GET OVER IT " then said, it was YOUR FAULT I HAD THE A ANY WAY and it wasn't an A , I had the PA after you through me out (BS ANYWAY BUT WON"Y ADMIT I HAVE NO PROFF)

I went nuts , It was not my fault you choose to sleep with someone while you where married and while living at home you where spending time with her socialy . That is an A. I said, so that is how you really feel .

You really are still in denial that YOU and MS.---
did this not me ?

OH you got no clue how hard he cut right through me . ( ok maybe ya do lol sorry )

well we continued to fight as we would PRE -A .

I told him you truely never got it , I watched you comfort her for your guilt make her feel better help her through what you did to her . But me you just thought plaese forgive me and an I am sorry was going to be the big work .

He told me I am crazy ....TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER
Use to tell me I was crazy when I use to accuse him (when he was seeing her and he would deniey it all the time ) WEll obviously I was right he got busted .

So I said that while of course crying like an idiot .

Its true I know this man and if I attack him he feels defensive and he pushs buttons .

Because he is WRONG and I know he KNOWS it he will fight back cause he hates that this it one he just can't justify . AM I MAKING SENSE .

While fighting he said, you brought up OW throughing her in my face, your the one who can't stay on the issues . SO of cousrse I said, OW is the issuse every time you say something its like your looking for a reason to say its bad when you don't put in the effort to see you didn't act this way till you found her .

I went to kiss him last night (really kiss ) he said, he don't like to kiss like that (tongue it sceeves him . )

I brought that up this morning saying but you didn't mind putting your tongue in her mouth or where ever else .

He said, no I didn't shes got bad breath . GIVE ME A BREAK !!!!!
So I don't I got breath mint every where in this house, car, and brush about 10x's a day .

I started this when he left me , I went through that stage and still do that she was better then me , more clean ect .

So I know my breath is clean . We haven't made love in 2 weeks . NOTHING !!!

He says when we fight he can't be bothered , also his wieght thing , and he is tired .

OK why I am posting this I got no clue I am just so pissed off , I needed to get it out . He went to work with brother . Then we need to get to nephews party . OH JOY .

GOT to go thanks for the EARS !!! Just when I start to see I go back to being blind .

This is not a BUMP its a mountain !

This has been a tough week!!!

I'm thinking about you

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

His words are like swords but can hurt worse than them. And likewise your words are like swords. You use them to hurt him back. You are hurting SOOOOO much. You are covering up your hurt, sadness, loneliness, feelings of low self-worth with anger. You are not being honest with yourself or your H. You are not expressing what you are TRULY feeling, just trying to hurt back with your words.

We struggle SOOOOOO hard to fight back feeling hurt and sad. It is the worst feeling to feel, grief. And we would MUCH rather feel angry than sad. So you have chosen. Yet you still feel sad too...you just don't show him that. Your anger is not doing anything for you...you still feel sad...and youare pushing him away and withdrawing MAJOR love units. Begin to honestly talk with him, and express your sadness and grief. It will deposit MAJOR love units. When you feel anger rising up, ask yourself what's behind it...betrayal? fear? and express that instead.

You have been so helpful to me! And I'm in a better place now because of you, thanks!

3,

Here goes. Okay, WS made a big LB when he said you were a pig. Okay, you need to acknowledge that this hurts you and say to yourself, okay, that makes me mad, but it hurts. Then you say to yourself, what can I do in a healthy way to discuss and resolve this?

Then tell H, yeah, its the kids, they are slobs and I mopped yesterday, I only wiped up what they spilled and will mop again today. You know what hon? The kids are slobs. What do you think we can do to improve this situation? Chores? They can mop the floor? What do YOU think?

It is not H's fault that you had nightmares. This is your own fear.

You have not been too nice in the last couple of weeks, no wonder your H doesn't want to be intimate. You have been pretty rough on him.

Stop bringing up ow. It just makes your H defensive and you are using the ow as a weapon at this point. Then your H gets angry and blames you for all of it. Pushes those buttons. You know what they are. All these things are about reaction. Not healthy. Saying things when you are angry and not thinking is not good. You need to stop before you push your H away for good.

Sorry for the 2x4 3. I know you have your feelings. We have discussed this before. I have some of the same issues as you.

Going back to fighting as you did before the A, before he came back and SOS, different day, is not HEALTHY for you, H or family.

I suggest you start making your kids clean up after themselves. And if that means no priviledges until they do, so be it. It will be hard at first, but it is worth it in the long run.
You might go through a couple of weeks of grief with them, but then it will be okay.

What is your plan 3? You can't have it like you want it right now, so just fullfill those needs of your H's and it will all come in time. Stop taking everything out on your H. I know he is guilty guilty guilty, but stop rubbing his face in it.

Think about this. Are your actions and reactions doing good for your relationship or are they doing bad?

You can't change your H right now, but you can change you.

It says in Proverbs that when words are many, sin abounds. Stifle yourself, Edith!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Very Big update comin later ! Things are looking UP agian but in a more serious way . I needed to open my eyes " He has gotten IT , I will explain later . This weekend was what I needed to help me move forward !!!!!!!!

3,

Glad things are looking up for you. Looking forward to your update.

My apologies for being so hard on you. It is just that I have been so totally where you have been. In a different way, but there. I only wish you the best, you know that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have to go, am working 6 double shifts this week as we are short staffed and have to train a new girl on top of that. Hope we find someone soon that works out so I am not worked to death!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Will check in on you in the eve's if I am not too beat.

Prayin' for ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Patiently waiting for update 3.!

Glad your getaway was productive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

3,

Impatiently standing here, arms crossed, tapping foot. Well????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Okay 3 we are waiting for the bit "it" update!

Hello...hello...

Is this thing on?

I feel like a cat at the door that just ate the jar of herring. Wait for it....

Waiting with baited breath.

SO SORRY ! Well I hope you all see this as great as I did/DO !

After major fight on that SAT . morning he leaves for work . Now normal OLD ways of H would be to make me late for the party . NO he came home on time and was very talkitive , asking me nicely to help him out and he promising to be ready on time .I shut my mouth and just went with it although I did not want to sweep it under carpet I was still upset (he saw that )

So in his way he started the affection witch lead to some OS ! OK then we leave . Now I will try to explain this as best I can so you understand it all cause it has alot to do with family also .

At party Younger sister has a fight with her H . They talk very disrespectful to one another and he walks out on her to go home .

Sister comes to me and is complaining well I offer some advice and she doesn't take top it to well . FAST FOWARD

Now they all leave , so I am with Other sister , BIL, (that h is close to) me and H .

H and me talking very quitly in other room says he thinks my BIL (one that left ) is ahving or is headed to having A .

I to agree he could very well be on that road .

Ok so BIL comes in asks what we are speaking of , so H preceeds to tell him what his thoughts are (I am shocked cause now he is opening himself up to explain )

BIL says based on what ? H says well you know I've been there . Looking from the outside in now I can see more clearly that I did the same things , blaming, start fights, shut down and walked away . In the begining I knew it was wrong but was made cuase I wanted to be right and blame my W for what I was doing . As things prgress you get nervous cause you start to see that the A is not about the M being bad or the fights Its the fact that you yourself made the choose (a bad one )

You never bothered to try and work on the issues you ran from them ECT . (explaining the hole fog thing and blame thing )

I was sitting there quitly listening and in amazement thinking WOW he really did get it He realy does know .

Then he went on to explain the fact that you hurt your SPOUSE so bad and they will have that over your head forever so you still don't feel safe so you continue to make bad chooses . (WOW )

Then he went on to say its so clear to me now that I was acting like an A$$ hole and saying things that where so stupid that no one in there right mind could belive .

H says I just hope that if he is or does that his W could even be HALF as understanding , strong and loving as mine , but most of all forgiving .

WOW WOW WOW !!!! and in front of me to some one else (he never talkes nor would he about this to anyone )

My BIL says something like well its in the past and we shouldn't be bringing this up it over and you both have moved on . H says well it was a past mistake but until my W is fully healed and I work harder at helping her its not something you just get over . Then he leaned over and kissed me and said, I love You !!!

he then went to basement me and him alone and he said , things about being in love (the beging feelings that I speack of all the time )

He said, I love you and am very much in love with you , I know and rember thoughs feelings I still have then I just think it takes some time for them to come back out its scary and I want all to be perfect MONEY, house , kids, job ect. I said, well if they are there and you feel them maybe you should go for it and all the other things will come into play instead of holding back you know if your happy in love then all the rest will follow .

We sat down and he held me then we started to make out on the couch like kids again . WOW

Then next day he was so different alive , We had some very silly moments all day , kissing in front of people sneaking around to fool around .

it was like a wonderful sign of hope .

We came home SUN . I got kids off to bed then he did his thing for an hour or so I mine .
WE then sat on the couch for our sun. football game (BROWNS WHERE ON THE 8:30pm game )

They won and we had so much fun laughing and jumping around watching the game . when we went to bed he said, he will think of writing the letter to OW , not to give to her but to me if that was ok , if that could be the simble for now and if she contacts him he would tell her he is home .

OK so I don't know if you guys where able to get the realy feel on this as it happened but it was great since then things are great . NO yelling nothing . theres not been one mention of OW and I have not thought about her that much at all this week .

I was so amazed of the way he talked about the A , I can't even discribe it well , he just sounde so on the money really getting it , really knowing he hurt me and that there was no excuse for it . I mean he did say to BIL that our M was at a point where he didn't even want to look at me all we did was fight , but that by meeting her and ALLOWING himself to go forward with that FREINDSHIP was the worst mistake and was his choice and inturn new there where other ways he could have worked on our problems . He alone ran and avoided all our issues and his own issues .

so thats about it I am not going to pressure him for the letter as of yet . I want to see him bring that to me . AND we are going away this weekend so I want to enjoy myself to the fullessed .

He thanked me , MY BIL said, something about other BIL not being THE TYPE to have an A . I jumped in and said, maybe you frased that wrong there is no such thing as a type . Anyone or two poeple who stop filling eachothers EN are at risk for an A , there IMVHO is no type , my H made a mistake and is not a TYPE . No labling .

I also thanked him for all the open honest anwsers he was saying , he said no need I was just being honest .

So all sorry to make you all wait . Thats all folks any comments .

OH one weird thing yesterday I am getting hang up calls all afternoon from a cell number . Right after each they shut the phone off it goes to vioce mail but one of the automated ones .

I haven't told H , I don't want him to think I am accusing OW or him to think that I have any doughts that he may have contact . I am zipping up on the accusing thing it wrong and I know that .

3is...

happy happy happy for you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BUT!!!!!!!

EXCEPT!!!!!!

that whole part about being happy about the Browns beating the Steelers.....
that should be edited out... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
that's just cruel and uncalled for...

all that other stuff...
way awesome....

ARK

Cool, cool, cool!!!

And I'm sorry about the bad pun...you didn't deserve that.

Those words, because they were spoken to another person and not to you, are worth more!!!

What a day!!!

3, that is sooooo wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He did get it! I know it was great to hear him say that in front of others.

Hug that man extra tight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ark, SHMI,and TO4T , thanks all for the happy thoughts my way and checking in . MissM where are you ? Take a day off will ya woman LOL

TY also both you and STUNNED for waiting for my update .

Still , yes it has been a hell of a couple of weeks . I am glad to here I was able to help you alittle . Thanks for saying that !

So people we are off to our weekend in Cleveland home of the BROWNIES !!! hopeful they will walk away with another vitory (sorry ARK when they win its great , when the STEELERS loose its even better LOL )

I hope kids are good , they have been fighting alot at that age . It will be a long ride if the aren't well behaved .

We are leaving FRI. afternoon stopping at MIL in PA , sleeping there then leaving to drive rest of way on SAT. morning .

H is sick again started on TUES. so he is alittle cranky ( men they are such babys when sick )

I told him about the crank calls on my cell phone , he did jump down my throat a bit , right away saying well I hope you don't think it is OW cause she don't have that # .

I backed off , ya see I know very well she could have it . while there was contact ongoing she use to look at his phone (he is not to smart )
But I will let it slide .

so where am I now , well considering I only place our M recovery starting after N/C thats only happened since JUNE . 4 1/2 months .

So I am going to back off , there is a reality I have to face that I am fearful of , I have to confront those fears and deal with them .

I am fearful of re-newed contact (I am sure ya'll been there)

I am sad and angry by that feeling .

I want to trust , (now thats the hard one ) I do in away trust him , thats where I am feeling weird . I don't know weather I feel stupid trusting him cause I think I souldn't be or the fact of that if he does it again it was my fault cause I trusted him .

MAKING SENSE ??

I want to let all this go I really do , I want to live a life of no checking ,it is making me tired . Am I checking just to check casue I think its something I should do or is it something I think I need to do .

Yes there are some very bad TRIGGERS lately , things he says , like I can't call cause I am just that busy at work ( kills me ) he follows that up with theres nothing going on I am just working ( all was said, when A was going on )

I have come to understand myself , that I am not worried about the A , but the LIES to have it .

Leaving me , I am not worried about . Lying to leave me is the fear . Him loving another don't bother me at all , not telling me gets me angry .

If at any time he could be happier with someone else I would support that with no dought in my mind ONLY IF IT WAS DONE HONESTLY .

So the only thing I can do is to still let him feel safe that IF he where to have contact and wanted to continue to talk or see her I want to know and have it up front .

Of corse I am not saying I would stick around for it . I just want the freedom to have MY choice .

Those are my fears LIES !At this point I fear he is not feeling safe that if she contacted him would he tell me , thinking I would be a NUT CASE !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How do you get some one to understand that , I mean I never ever in our relationship said, crazy things about A's I always said, if ya did just tell me I don't like lies . FOR 18yrs every one knew this about me everyone , thats why alot where shocked that he went to such lenght to lie . Everyone I know says I am the easyest person to confront and talk to as long as you don't lie . (think my #1 EN is HONESTY LOL)

I except people for who they are and am open to other ways of thinking .

Ok so any help with that area would be great , how do I get him to feel secure in case it did happen again .? He says he would tell me in a heart beet but No I see that he would go about the I AM GOING TO PROTECT HER FEELINGS THING .

The reson I still feel this way is the fact that HE still thinks not telling OW was the right way to handle that situation ,IE lieing .

Got to go check in later ! thanks for listening I am a pain in the BUTT ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

3,

So glad to read you have had a breakthrough with your H.

You have so many good things right now. The trust thing, well it has to be earned. I know it is hard but it just takes time.

I know you are not happy, still, with ow not knowing H is home, but he has agreed to tell her if she contacts him, and to a NC letter. This is big big big!

If you continue to not LB, perhaps your H will feel safer about talking to you.

For now, give yourself a break, dwell on the here and now, be thankful that you are making progress, and enjoy the game this weekend.

Me? Am working this weekend. Bah humbug.

Love in Christ,
Miss M