no1 how are you going to protect yourself from the OM in the future? Whether you care to admit it or not, you ARE and will continue to be his hostage to blackmail as long as you keep the truth about your affair hidden from your H. What are you going to do if he tells you that he is going to tell your H unless you put up for him once more?. You can chose not to tell your H but you can't force the OM to do likewise, so you better start preparing a plan of action on how to deal with the fallout if the OM does decide to tell your H. Won't life be fun knowing that your marriage's survival depends on whether or not the OM keeps his mouth shut?

nomystryF,I hope you have been tested for STD's. If not, do! YOu said BF's X got a disease. Could it be rather than her unfaithful, it was him? And he gave it to her? AT any rate, he's certainly not keeping himself safe with all is contacts.
Do you and your H a favor and get tested. Won't be easy telling your doctor, but you don't have to reveal all the dirt, just say you need test.
Secondly, I am a firm believer in being honest with spouses, but if you are set on rebuilding your marriage, sometimes we might be better off carrying our secret to avoid pain to spouse.
Talk to a counselor/pastor or? and get some professional advice.
AS a BW, I'd want to know, but I also know what living with the pain is like and one I can never erase.
You know your H best, think hard on this one. '
God bless, LouLou

OM X got STD after they were married only a year. She had several As after that he found out. He stayed because he was afraid of being alone--separated before their 15th anniv. We used protection during the A.

Can't tell you how much this site is helping. I really want to tell H but I'm afraid of hurting him. I want our lives normal again and I feel I'm over withdrawal (3 mos) and I just want to keep moving on. I'm afraid it will stir pain for both of us. When I made the move to communicate and salvage marriage, H told me that he couldn't blame me if I did have an A during the past year. I should have told him right then! I really wish I had found this site earlier. I didn't even understand what my depression was all about after NC with OM.

This is the 1st week I've slept through the night, every night. I would wake in the middle of the night in a sweat sometimes. I'd wake up H and just have him hold me. I love him so much. Kids have noticed our closeness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"When I made the move to communicate and salvage marriage, H told me that he couldn't blame me if I did have an A during the past year."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't this tell you that your H is not naive about how bad things were in the marriage? Doesn't this sound like a man that is aware and accepts responsibility that he was not meeting some of your most important EN's?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"This is the 1st week I've slept through the night, every night. I would wake in the middle of the night in a sweat sometimes. I'd wake up H and just have him hold me. I love him so much."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ask you again, how are you going to sleep knowing that the survival of your marriage depends on whether or not the OM keeps his mouth shut?

Sometimes our fears and actions to avoid something we do not want to happen can indeed help to make it a reality.

First of all, YOU WILL STEP BACKWARD WHEN YOUR AFFAIR IS REVEALED. It doesn't mean that later you won't move forward again.

Do you realize that your H has not only been sleeping with you, but with your BF, and his ex wife and all of his present sleeping partners? Pretty scary. If nothing else, you both need to be checked for STDS immediately.

My marriage almost ended, NOT due to my H's affair but due to the YEARS OF LIES. It will never get easier for you to do the right thing and tell him. Never.

I suggest:
go to findarticles.com and read "Shattered Vows"

go out and buy both Torn Asunder and NOT Just Friends

get into counseling

pray that your H will be able to forgive you

If he doesn't, that is his choice. Made with all of the facts on the table. You are living a lie right now. The longer you deceive him, the harder it will be to move on and forgive you.

Your marriage will not be capable of true intimacy until you reveal the truth. You are also more likely to have another affair, or continue this one, if you don't tell. Right now you have that emotional bond, fantasy version of your affair and this other man. The truth will break that bond and bring your affair into reality. Where it can be processed and worked through.

Right now you hold all of the pieces and your husband is clueless. Whether or not you believe it, this secret will come between you and your husband.

I apologize if I sound harsh. I have lived in your H's footsteps. It's a terrible place to be. It hurts like ****, but not like the craziness of not knowing. That is worse.

good luck. do the right thing...keep posting

no1:

"When I made the move to communicate and salvage marriage, H told me that he couldn't blame me if I did have an A during the past year. I should have told him right then!"

This tells me 2 things that you need 2 think very hard about:

1) This man loves you. If you do tell him, or he finds out, he won't want a DV (divorce).

2) He may already know, but was hoping that by saying this 2 you, you'd feel safe enough with him 2 confirm it. Please, find an oppor2nity 2 tell him.

I believe you have a very good chance of fully recovering your M.

♥kid 2long

no1mystryf, use of protection is not 100% fool proof. Get tested for your benenfit and that of your H. There are STDs that don't present symptoms until later or not at all. Some can lead to cacner.
I got tested many years after my H's first A when I found out it had been complete sexual act. I wanted to be certain! Thank God nothing came out.
Then he had a second A. I've got to get my doc to run test again, but I've also since had some surgery for gall baldder, etc so they did run multiple types of test on me in hospital I'm sure.
Don't just except you're safe. The worst way for your H to find out about your A would be a problem with something.
Do it for peace of mind!
I can't stress this enough!
And may you find peace with whichever way you decide to go. Tell or not to tell.
LouLou

No1,

Everyone here, especially my mentor Justlearning, is being extremely helpful. And I think deep down, you know what they are saying is true.

I have read through this whole thread and I feel there is one word that describes where you are at...one word that is holding back a TRUE recovery...one word that will DESTROY your marriage, no matter what you do. That word? Fear.

If all you say about the improved conditions in your marriage are true, then you are scared to lose that...right after you finally got it. Unfortunately, as JL said, this will not always be the case. Why? Because your husband still has no idea who you are. We are all made up of the good and the bad in our lives. Your husband cannot possibly meet your needs longterm, because I am afraid that he has no idea that you do, and will always, have this big lump of guilt in your soul. That is unless you tell him.

I think the fear of the OM telling your husband, or one of your friends slipping...is very real. But lets say they all keep their traps shut.

What about you? What about a year or two from now, as this thing continues to eat at you, as your husband continues to feel that something isnt quite right...what will happen when you guys arent getting along so well? Well, first of all, your husband will lose faith in your relationship, because he will felt he had tried everything, and still couldnt make this work. And you? Well, you will either be so consumed with guilt and be unhappy the way the marriage is going that you go into another affair, or you will finally cant take it anymore...and you will tell him.

Now, let's say it is 2 years down the road and you tell him. I like the analogy about the termite-infested stairs above. But in this analogy, I want you to think about the foundation of your home. You both are rebuilding your home (marriage). You both know there has been much damage. But your husband has NO IDEA how bad the damage is. He cant see it. Sure, he sense it...he knows that the house just isnt quite right. But he has no idea how bad the underlying damage is.

On your side, you do. But you chose to not tell him, to not enlist his help in repairing the damage (and only BOTH of you can repair the damage you have caused). So, you push it under the rug, or in this analogy, you throw some paint over it, push a dresser in front of it, and hope it never comes up.

But everyday, you walk by that drsser, KNOWING what is behind it. But what you dont know, is that damage is going to get worse since it wasnt properly repaired. So, you will notice it more and more. You wont be able to sleep at night without thinking about that damage behind the dresser...damage to the foundation of the home that the two of you are rebuilding.

In the emantime, your husband is building new additions to the house, adding new floors and alterations. he is excited about what you all are building. He still gets the sense that things arent quite right with the house, but since he cant put his finger on it, he chooses to just ignore those feelings...and keeps on building.

And then, Hurricane Isabel comes. Or the day comes when you can no longer keep dealing with the guilt of what you know, afraid that he will look behind that dresser one day. So, either the hurricane blows down your house because of the weak foundation, or you finally fess up to him.

Now, where are you? Well, you are back to square one...a destroyed home. But this time, ALL of the destruction here is your fault. Your husband will look at you, knowing first of all that you did the major damage. But even more importantly, you will have hurt him far worse by not telling him, and letting him build on a lie. Letting him to put his energy, his blood, his sweat, his tears...into something that is at its base...rotten.

The analogy I just used is a paraphrase of what JL just told you. I want you to look two years in the future. I want you to what-if things. What if the worse happens and the OM does call? What if the guilt just overwhelms you? What if your husband turns into the World's Greatest Husband, thus furthering your guilt? What happens when he finds out later?

You know the answer...YOU WILL LOSE HIM!!! If he finds out later, after rebuilding a so called life with you, he will NEVER be able to trust you. You see, he understands that things havent been good with you. You even said he said that he knew it was possible that you might have gotten into an affair thru this, since things were so bad. So, this is the BEST time for him to find out...because he expects this.

But, he finds out later? Then he will wonder what kind of woman are you? How could you rebuild things, establish intimacy with him...and keep such horrendous lies from him? The affair will pale in comparison to the destruction that will be caused by your lies of ommission.

Now, I want you to look at your husband, and think of telling him. In the short term, there will be a lot of pain. And he will be angry. And he will lash out. And things will take a step back. Count on it.

But let's go back to that house for a minute. Instead of like before, No1 decides to tell her husband right now of the weakened foundation due to her affair. Now the husband is mad, upset...hurt. But guess what? He already KNOWS the house is damaged...he has admitted as much. But this time, he hasnt done any work yet. He hasnt tried to add onto and improve a house that really needed to have its foundation fixed FIRST.

So now, he and you can start at the foundation (after the initial period of hurt and anger). And once the foundation is repaired, then both of you can build and repair the rest of the house...and that house will be stronger than was ever possible before. And guess what? You can go to sleep at night not having to think about what's behind that wall?

Now, the fear...what if he decides that since you damaged the house, that he doesnt want to live there anymore? That he is so upset and angry, that he wants to move to a new house?

Good question! But you see, the other way...your way...will lead to him leaving...or you leaving. Neither of you will have a house you are living in that you will feel completely comfortable with. Something just wont feel right.

But if you tell him, and he wants to leave, remember, he is going to leave anyway in the long run if he finds out later...and he will find out! Count on that.

Remember, this damage is of your own doing...not his. Sure, he did his own damage. But the affair damaged the very basis of the marriage, the very foundation of the home. He has every right to decide that he wants to help repair this house you damaged...or to move onto a new house.

But, by your descriptions, and by how hard he is working at your marriage right now, I have a sneaky suspicion that your husband will turn out like me. That after the initial pain and anger, he will still want this house. And although angry and disappointed with you, he will have his first installment done by you that will move him toward being able to trust you again. Because he will know that you didnt have to tell him. He will know that you have respected him enough to try to be honest and make things right.

You have described a husband that is probably a wonderful man, that made some mistakes in his marriage. I know the things I did wrong in mine to make my wife consider an affair. But your husband is not an idiot, as was said above. He seems to be a good guy, and with your hinesty, understanding, and love...as well as some good counseling sessions with Steve Harley...I am willing to bet that your husband will be beside you for many years...and proud to be there.

You cannot save him from the hurt of the affair. But you can prolong it, and later increase it by adding the pain of lies upon lies, and betrayal.

Listen to thosethat know here. As yo usaid, you are new to this. You said that you asked two friends and they said dont tell. What do they know? The experts are here (and other places). They know what affairs do to a marriage...and they know the route to marital recovery. You want to take a different route? You do so at your own risk. But guess what? Just like risking your husband's life, your marriage, your kids future, your future...you are now risking it all again by not telling him the truth.

Pray to God for strength...and then go sit down with your husband and get started. This affair will not end until he knows. Even if you never see the OM again.

In His arms.

no1mysyfy,
Boy can I identify with your story. Occasionally, I read the boards but your story caught my eye.

I too had an EA with my Highschool sweetheart. I think it is even harder to get over than any other EA or A. I too was afraid to tell my H. But that never was a real issue, I thought I could skate by, kick it under the rug and move on. But as time went by, I realized just how much intimacy I had really lost with my H. The fact that I couldnt' tell him when I so desparately wanted him to know and help me, was a sure validation. I mean who else can we turn to when we're hurting? And if he really does love you which I gather he does, you will get passed it together. Granted you do decide to tell him. It will hurt, and I can't gurantee he'll stick around, but I think he will. My H said although very painful, he would rather know; and what were my intentions. Like I said, I thought I could move on without H knowing, but its not so, it affected other areas in our lives, that true itimacy calls for. As for my own experience I do see where that secret kept haunting me, and kept me still bonded to OM, so it really was never over. Now that its in the open, I feel liberated and thankful that H wanted to work it out. He has been the most understanding man ever. I think if it wern't my HS sweetheart, it would have been different. My past realtionship with him has always been something I never really got over. But this time around, we were able to resolve past issues and let it go. I feel bad and ashamed that it had to be in the form of an EA. At times I wish it never happened becuase it was and is very painful. I am still recovering, its been 4 mos since I went no contact. H and I both sent and nc letter and I put a block of XMM's email. So far so good, but I still occasional setbacks. That I gather will disspiate with time. Anyway, in other words it happened and I can't take it back, but I did get my life and my marriage remained intact an if not better and stronger.........

Take care and I really do understand........

MJ

No 1,
I need to add my 2 cents.

You sound as though you could be my W. She had an EA/PA over 2 years ago. She claims it was only PA once because she and OM had so much guilt but the EA continued for at least 6 months after the PA.

She swore to herself that she would never tell me. She had several reasons which I think are applicable in your case as well.

She, too, bought into the line of "don't tell the truth to protect the feelings and therefore the M." This type of wrong advice is everywhere from well meaning friends to radio talk show psychologists like Dr. Laura. Most of the expert literature advises that real recovery can only begin when the lying stops. "Not Just Friends" and Harley's SAA to name just a few.

The other reason she had was that she thought that I would automatically end the M. Why? Because this had been one of her M assumptions but it wasn't mine. She always railed against this Hollywood actor or that one that dumped the old W for the younger model. Don't make assumptions from your set of preconceived ideas.

Like you, her OM was also someone from her past that she knew would hurt my ego and self-image. He was a coworker from her first job out of college. They always had so much in common and similar interests. He had a more "people pleasing" personality. From the day they met I heard comparisons to myself and couldn't help feeling insecure. I also thought he enjoyed flirting with her to get under my skin. If he hadn't been engaged and we hadn't been nearly engaged, I knew that they would have dated and ??? Yes it hurt more that it was this guy versus a neighbor or someone on the PTA but not enough to continue the lie.

Anyway........While she had the A, I knew something was wrong and I'd even ask her. Similiar to your situation we had grown apart. Nothing M altering but enough for her to question the M and to fall in love with the feeling of new love.

If your H doesn't know or suspect anything (which I doubt)you have a great oppurtunity here, a gift, that my W didn't take advantage of. You see I found the cell phone records and some fairly innocent e-mails. Enough to wonder and start asking questions. From the first simple question of "How often do you and the OM talk?" through a 3 month period until the deeper question of "Was this an EA or PA?" I recived nothing but lies. Lies of commission and of omission. 18 months ago she admitted to an EA, wrote a NC letter and began working on the M.

But it was really a false recovery. Becuase I knew in my heart that she still wasn't telling the truth. I had a few more facts but I also knew that a man wouldn't have hung around so long for just an EA. Finally three weeks ago all of it came out when my W woke me up at 3 a.m. to tell me the truth. I finally knew that it wasn't just an EA with her soulmate but it also included a PA.

Bedsides regretting the obvious, the A, she now admits for several reasons that she wished she had come clean 18 months ago. First she knows that recovery could have really started and we'd be so much further down the road to recovery. Secondly had she come to me when I asked those first innocent questions it would have been just as painful however my trust in her would have been restored at a faster rate. Lastly, the guilt and stress got to the point where it was starting to make her physically sick. Don't kid yourself this can happen to you as well.

As long as a single lie stands between you and your H, you can't have true intimacy. You may think that you have this now in your improved relationship but you don't. I hope that someday you will.

You've heard it here before, and I know you're afraid. The simple truth is if you DON'T tell him, you will never be able to be as intimate with him as you want, you will always feel apart from him, and you will never have the marriage that you both deserve. YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM.

My wife had an affair in 1998 that lasted several months. She didn't tell me until backed into a verbal corner where she would have to LIE directly to my face in order to keep her secret. I knew something was wrong, but could not place my finger on it. In retrospect, it was obvious...if only I had opened my eyes. He knows something is wrong too, and if you hide this thing, it WILL fester and boil until it consumes you or both of you. The only way to heal is to let the wound be exposed and let the healing start.

Telling him will be traumatic, and by doing so you place the fate of your marriage in HIS hands and you may lose him. If you ever want to feel right and whole and at ease, however, you have no other choice.

Courage is not bravery. Courage is doing what's right even though you're afraid. Be courageous.

Whatever you may think, you CANNOT hide this forever, and if you, by chance, do, your relationship will die a slow death of strangulation...truth will be sacrificed out of fear.

Again, be courageous....

Jake

MissJ (as well as others), I'm thankful for the advice you have given me. I really need some time to think all of this through because even though I am a strong person, I have a lot of fear inside, especially over losing my M and hurting my H.

As for the OM telling, there's no way. He made the choice to post an internet personal ad. I think he's too embarrassed to ever face me again. He has moved on with the good ole dating scene, the stud that he is (NOT). It was ironic but the week around my anniv. there were hang up calls at the same time every night for a week then it stopped. I would get hang up calls at work, about 2 a week. I haven't gotten one in over 2 1/2 weeks. OM has moved on and his life is 2 hrs away while mine is here. I never ever want to see OM again! He was my 1st true love and I carried questions and feelings for him for 18 years. I have ultimate closure now, knowing that he is nowhere near the wonderful H I have.

Yes, I think about OM every day still but not in the same way I did at all the first few months after the end. I despise the thought of him and what we did. I know he was jealous of my family since his was so bad. Last October we were tailgating after a college ftball game. He said his biggest fear was that I wouldn't leave H. I said my biggest fear was that he would hurt me all over again and I was afraid of hurting my family. I told him it wasn't right to go from one man's arms to another. That conversation bothered OM a great deal and he said he knew then how I felt but didn't want to face it.

I want to move on. Tonight H and I are cuddling watching a movie with my boys. I love the way our family unit is right now. We are closer than we have been in a long time. I find myself looking at all of them and smiling with such love.

I think things in life happen for a reason, for lessons to us and sometimes tests. I failed the test and gave in to my vulnerabilities. My lesson learned--closure of feelings I had.

I am still considering telling H. Another friend of mine told me not to do it. This site has been refreshing. I hope that someday I can give others advice as you have to me.

God Bless You All.
No1

****

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

no1mstryf, we have also been married 15 years, and my H had an A with his highschool girlfriend last year - it lasted a month.

I had always felt 2nd best to her, even though I never met her and he never really mentioned her. It was just something I sensed.

On the day he ended it with her, that evening she called our home. She wasn't mature enough to come right out and tell me about the A, she just said to tell my H that he "couldn't have his cake & eat it too".

My H confessed then, but did not apologize or provide details. He expected to be thrown out of our home and for our marriage to end. Neither happened. We are 17 months past d-day and are doing fine.

I believe that if the OW had not called our home, my H would have kept his "secret" as you are contemplating. I can tell you that if he had done that and I had ever found out, I really think it would have been a whole different ballgame for us and we very likely would not be together today.

I was able to rebuild my trust in him because he told the truth and accepted the consequences like an adult. Sure, maybe that was forced by OW, but he did it. I can respect that.

I could not have trusted or respected him if I had found out that he had kept the A secret after it ended.

I no longer feel 2nd best to OW - she got a second chance at him, she tried her best and she still was not enough for him. But I am. I actually feel better about myself and our M now - knowing that he no longer "wonders" about OW. All questions have been answered and he has no interest in her.

You turned away from your H and your M during the A, why not turn back towards them both by being honest? Clear the air and start fresh.
Respect your H and M enough to be truthful and accept the consequences for your actions.

Good Luck,
Shelle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"As for the OM telling, there's no way. He made the choice to post an internet personal ad. I think he's too embarrassed to ever face me again."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sincerely hope you are right but you can never be sure that he will do so in the future. I hope you have a good contingency plan set up to help you deal with the fallout if he ever does spill the beans to your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I think things in life happen for a reason, for lessons to us and sometimes tests. I failed the test and gave in to my vulnerabilities. My lesson learned--closure of feelings I had."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly hope that you have indeed learned your lesson and never again have another affair, but sadly many other WS's said the same thing and found themselves in another affair some time later. Why? because they were still practicing dishonesty and as we all know, dishonesty is one of the birth parents of affairs. Remember that old habits are very hard to break and until you make a committment to practice radical honesty with your H, you are just as vulnerable to falling back into your old habits and thus into another affair just like the first time.

No1,
I wish you much luck and you will do whatever you need to do in your own time. It took me 2 years to finally come clean with H. Like I said I never intended to tell him. I don't believe you will ever be tempted again wtih anyone else. Meeting up with an old love is quite powerful. Theres no excuse for what we did, but we stopped and realized we are right where we're supposed to be. In time, you will make make your way. If you ever need to talk let me know... I will give you my email.

B2G <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care and hugs to you
B2G

Weekends can be tough still. Even though I'm happily with my family, I have more time for my mind to wander. During the week I focus on work and projects going on. The weirdest thing--right before A began, work slowed down for me and I had a lot of time to think about OM and email and send ecards....blah blah blah. I found out about OM on 6/25/03 posting internet ad to date and I figure he had been chatting and meeting people for a month. Oddly enough, at the beginning of July, I got swamped at work and now have projects after projects. Staying focused at work and at home has helped.

Sometimes my mind still tends to drift and feel pain of the A and OM. I snap out after a while and look at my beautiful family. I am determined to put all of this behind me. I wish I could get hypnotized or something to make me forget the A and that it ever took place.

MissJ, I'd love to email you now and then. Just let me know how to get in touch with you.

Thanks to you all. I review this website daily and told H about it. He said he was going to check it out.

God Bless,
No1

1:

"I am determined to put all of this behind me. I wish I could get hypnotized or something to make me forget the A and that it ever took place."

I know what you really mean by this, but want 2 point out that you do NOT want 2 forget what happened, because you run the risk of repeating it.

Think of traumatic events like affairs, deaths, difficult job choices, as oppor2nities for personal growth. Of course, we all have 2 deal with family members and friends dying at some points in our lives, so by comparison affairs are "optional". Like career moves, they're fallout from choices we make. The aftermath of your A is that you have an oppor2nity 2 learn things about yourself and what's truly important 2 you that you may not have, if this hadn't happened.

Now, I'm not saying that affairs are "good for marriages" because this kind of growth could certainly take place without the affair, but the simple fact is that many of us don't do this kind of marriage building work unless there's a strong impetus like an affair 2 wake us up 2 the need for the growth.

And, of course, it's a lot easier 2 do the work when you and your H are working as a team, with mu2al respect, complete honesty, and a common goal for the fu2re.

Have a nice weekend, no1!

-kid 2long

no1, you can email me at pink2003_8@hotmail.com. Let me know when you gt this so I can delete..........

Trust me, it takes "time" to heal... hang in there
mj <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />