Bump for WantMyPokey's imput...JazzeyGirl's husband.

JG - Wow. I see so much of what my H has expressed to me in your words.

First, I want to ask you if you are comfortable having the viewpoint of a FWS expressed here in your thread. If you are not, I completely understand, and I will simply try to help your H to become who you want and need him to be.

If it's OK, I would like to at least ask a few questions just so I can see how far along each of you have processed the A....knowing these answers from both of you might provide a building block for you guys to begin communication...

First, how far along have you gotten in the processing of the A? Do you accept that it was 100% his responsibility for having the A? That you and your H both led your M to be vulnerable to the A, but that in the end, when presented with the decision, that it was a personal flaw in him that allowed him to proceed to the A?

Next, have you identified all the contributing factors? What were your contributions to the degradation of the M? What were your H's? What was his internal flaw in making the decision to have the A?

Have you accepted that this happened? That the A has meant the death of your old M, and that there is no way to recover but to build a new M? Are you willing to forgive all his past contributions to the degradation of the M and let his current actions prove his committment and love for you?

If you do answer these questions, thank you. I hope to help you guys. My H's and my situation are very similar with regards to the emotions, and if you are open, I would love to share whatever insight I may have from the FWS point of view. But I also understand if you don't, and will not be offended.

Whatever the answer, you and your H are in my prayers.

Know that it feels at times like walking on egg-shells when both spouses post here...

I think it can be a good thing...a great thing...but also difficult for the reader and the responder...

It is hard when addressing one not to step on the others toes...but it can be a great insightful window....

my posts are offered in kindness and respect to both of you...

I was really upset one day and was crying while I was on the phone with him. He said that there is not much he can do while he is at work so we would talk when he got home. When he got home he said nothing. Not a how are you doing, do you want to talk, nothing. Not even a hug or kiss.

This is a marriage tool you have to change...
Even in good marriages it never works to call one at work and expect to accomplish much if you are upset...
there is nothing he can do at work...

this is a something you two have to POJA about...and decide what is fair and how to make this work...
you two may decide that it is fair for you to call and say...
I'm upset about blah blah blah ..BUT I understand you are at work...but I would like to discuss this with you when you get home....
and within this poja he needs to respond and agree...otherwise it is a powerstruggle that frustrates both....
this is something you CAN do...to stop feeling like he is not addressing your concerns...

Another day when I was upset about the things that had happened he told me that he doesn't know when I am upset or when I need to talk or if I am just in pain.

Is that realistic for him to know or guess exactly what emotion you are experiencing..they are all similiar...do you want a relationship in which one spouse should "guess or know" or do you want a relationship in which you can express specifically how you feel...
It is your job to tell him exactly how you feel...but know he can't change feelings necessarily...and look at what your expectations are about telling him...

My H has never done the things for me that he did for her

jazzey you have to take a hard look at the environment you are creating fro recovery...
Is it one in which he has freedom to express these things...or is it one that he believe that nothing he does will satisfy you..

If he 'treats" like you perceive he did with the OW...will you accuse him of doing it for her and NOW you...
if he "treats" you differently that you "perceive" he treated the OW...will you accuse him of not doing it for you and NOT you...

what options are open for you and him..
think about that

My sis and other people around me also see that my H's efforts are not what they should be and though they will not give me the advice to divorce I don't know what else to do.

jazzey this is very damaging to him and you...you two are team attempting to figure out how to be a team...cut him at his balls by alienating him and his efforts...
you need to protect him in his changes and chances from recovery not seek outsides assurance and aliances against him....

I do see the things he does right. It has not been a lot but I know that he is finishing school not so much for himself but for this family and I also know that he works to keep us afloat.

warning LB LB LB...you must give postive reinforcement when due...

My He once told me that he liked me. Whatever!!!!!

It's easy to love someone/something...much more difficult to like them....

Rarely do I even let him in on the things I am thinking or feeling.

mmmm...that's not gonna work now is it...especially when you feel like he doens't know how you are feeling..
see how it works...you can't have it both ways..though we humans sure do want it that way...
ALL OF US <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I gave up everything to be with him. I gave up all my friends. True friends that I loved and that loved me unconditionally for him. Because he didn't like some of them or because really he wanted my full attention. I have put everything I had into this relationship. Making him feel special and doing sweet things for him.

Jazzey no matter his influences and desires..YOU chose these things..I know that's hard to face and hear but you did this....
and while you may regret boundaries you didn't put in place you can't
1. blame him for your choices.
2. change the past...

but you certainly can decide from here on out what boundaries you set yourself...and you can even do this in a loving way....
not with resentment and blame..but with..
you know dear when we were first married...I did drop some of my friends because I chose to do so...but I don't think I would choose that again or now..
move forward...
not backwards...

don't rewrite history if you 'gave" of yourself you chose that then...you can't blame him...
and it may be that if you change your attitude about giving and doing that you really come to a place where you can do things with no strings attached...and do them because they fullfill you and make you a better person....then they will have value to both of you...

You can't do for someone and then come back to them and say I did this and that for you ...and blame them for your actions...You can't act happy about your choices from years ago and then load him up with the thought they weren't happy choices...
if you do this it is you that are/was being dishonest...not him in receiving your actions...

Espoir wrote a wonderful post on creating an environment of healing on I believe mimi's post...and I recoppied it on a seperate new topic...did you read it...it was beautiful loving path of reconcilliation...
I think you need to look at your environment and road map of recovery...the big picture of marriage...and learn strong tools that serve you and him better...

ARK

ark^^ the Thread Thief

Here it is JazzeyGirl

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />