Mulan ~

What kind of help are you looking for exactly?

Mulan,
I see just how committed you are to your M and how much you are willing to endure for the sake of your M and your son.

It is admirable. You are doing what you think is best under very difficult circumstances.

The problem is that you aren't open to the possibility that what you are doing is not the best. That book, The Solo Partner, says that you have three choices when your partner is doing something you don't like:
- lower your unmet expectations
- have angry outbursts
- leave the relationship

I am no longer angry. I had lots of angry outbursts. All Tom had to say was something like, "I should have f...cked her.. Then you would have something to be so upset about" or "I didn't think I was doing anything wrong." It took a long time to realize that he was getting the desired result -- an angry outburst. That kept attention off himself and on me.

NOW -- why in the world would your H have an off-site birthday party and then call you and nonchalantly tell you about it when things were going relatively well? Is he an idiot? Doesn't he know how much this would hurt you?

You react with emotion to try to get your point across.

You know what? HE ALREADY KNOWS!!!! You have set up a pattern. He knows what to expect.

Now why he is doing it is another matter.

This is not a good place for your son. His mother is distracted and in tears. His father is showing at minimum a lack of regard for the mother.

Simply consider the possibility that leaving is better even if he decides to proceed with divorce.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

forget it....

good luck

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

Dear Mulan,

What you need right now is to know that your feelings are not weird. You have needs that are not being met and you are frustrated.

However, don't let that be an excuse to prolong the abuse, enable his attitude and miss out on valuable advice.

His small acts to you are probably large sacrifices to him. You 2 are coming from 2 different perspectives and may miss each other if the fog is allowed to continue.

Here's my proprosition:

1. Don't compliment him tooo much. He takes out the garbage, comes home for lunch, whatever 'small' attempt he makes, say thanks but no celebration.... not yet, ok?

2. Go about your business as normal as possible. He needs to see you moving forward. Guys like things that move and he will see you move forward soon enough. He will know that his motor ain't running smoothly and he needs to get his a$$ in gear.

3. Vent to the wall when you need. Do it softly and within his ear shot. Don't laugh at me, I advocate this because it works. Practice in the bathroom or a remote place 1st. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

4. Know that you are NOT a failure unless you choose to be. You are just at a place where you know s/b better. Ok, acknowledgement should not be a hinderance. Don't wallow in pity, fix it! Fix what is in your reach.

This may mean NOT fixing your H. He needs to meet your needs, remember? Well he can't do that if he has a stick up his _ _ _ . Let him remove that stick.....don't help him. Just don't put more sticks there, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Then come back and post.

take care,
L.

Mulan, another MB'er informed me via email that you are P_B , that you changed your posting name to something more upbeat .... I did not know who you were .... "Mulan" was ( to me) someone I had never posted to before....

So you see..... all this fuss over nothing really.

Pep

Mulan,

I read your post about how you can't walk out on your son.

Last Tuesday, I had a "lighbulb" moment. My H was saying, "I can't golf, I can't run, I can't watch football on TV..." I asked "Where am I on your priority list?"

My lighbulb moment was to ask myself, "Are the children going to be asking this of their Dad?" Tommy batted balls with Tom exactly once all summer. A few weeks ago, Tom returned from a week-long business trip, I asked the 4 year old, "Guess who's coming home tonight?" She said, "I don't know." I said, "Who's missing?" She said, "I don't know. Who?"

I'd love you to answer this question:

Why is it better for your son that you stay? Is it possible that it would be better for you and your son if the father left?

You son must be witnessing a lot of disrespect between you and your H. How is the father -- who is off at work so much -- doing as a father?

Also, aren't you totally distracted because you are trying to control that man's behavior? How much focus are you having on caring for your son?

I really appreciate your posts because your situation seems so similar to mine. You may not have been physically abused, but the emotional abuse harms the soul and can be oh so much more painful.

Mulan/PB, someone e-mailed me this story tonight and I thought of you.

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently he searched the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It has been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other were coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly, except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "Two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope's length, and from the bridge, the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other.

"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there was no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.

"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will just be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.

"Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever." With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down, "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan.

But the other wasn't interested.

"You means you won't help? But I told you cannot pull you up myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die."

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.

"I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it is up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension on the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

**************************

Mulan, I think you know in your heart that while you don't want to shatter your son's illuSions and his hero worship of his father, for his sake you are going to have to do the right thing by him and stand up to your creepy husband; otherwise, you risk allowing your son to believe that a woman is nothing more than chattle - property to be used, abused and discarded.

Show him what it means to be a woman and a wife.

Gather some courage, even if it's not your own, and get your son a PROPER role model for manhood. LET GO OF THE FRIGGIN ROPE!

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

That is an awesome story! I'm going to copy, paste and store that one. Thank you!