</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>"So you think it's better for me to risk injury right now more than anything else???"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only time you mentioned any threat of injury was from the OM not your H. But IF domestic violence is an issue with either/both H and OM then I would suggest you contact your local woman's center for guidance.

DG the truth about your affair MAY just be the wakeup call that your H needs to realize that you are NOT a 'sure thing' if he decides to come back to you in the future. He's going to realize that you WILL move on with your life which includes another relationship with another man in the future. It's really interesting how many WS turned BS suddenly want the BS turned WS once the truth is revealed.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

DG:

I suggest you tell your H about the A before he leaves. He may choose 2 stay.

Don't perpe2ate the lies, okay?

-2long

DG - I think what people are confused about is that your post sounded so much like a BS post - a spouse who was betrayed and hurt, and you want sympathy.

Yet at the same time, you have also had your own affair. And it's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black. yes, the pot may be slightly more gray than the kettle, but the point is you are both shades of black!!!!

You both have screwed up. Period. You can try to keep a scorecard if you want. It's a double edged sword. On one hand, you could say his A was worse because it had an emotional attachment and he was willing to leave the family to try to work it out. But you could also counter with - wouldn't you be a worse person if you could just sleep around with anybody and not have some sort of attachment to them? Which person are you in your A?

The fact of the matter is, neither of you should be either one. And if one person is going to have to be honest in the relationship, both of you are. Because honesty, openness, fidelity, etc cannot just be a one-way street.

What ifhe decides to be nice to you and start treating you like the wonderful W you are? Do you think you will feel guilty? Guilty enough to tell him and risk ruining everything?

What ifhe leaves you for OW because somewhere in the back of his mind, he has seen your indiference and withdrawal, and he feels there is no hope in your M either.

What ifyou keep playing the game and all the while you have that phony card up your sleeve? When do you think will be an appropriate time to tell him?

I think everyone here is encouraging you to tell him because it seems as if (honestly) things cannot get much worse. And it's a lot easier to just lay things on the table if the table is all the way on the floor. What are you afraid of telling him for? Are you afraid he will leave? You said you wanted to leave before....It looks like he is getting ready to leave anyway. You might as well show each other your cards and start from a base of honesty....because as Dr Phil says "this isn't working for you now."

Try not to take all these comments too personally. Remember, you are coming to a board where honesty and openness is supported. And it's what you want from your H. Don't you think he deserves it also? Or is this a one sided M?

PS - I don't think you should divorce. But I do think that you both need to finally open up to, be honest with, and listen to each other. You guys are playing games, here, and there is never going to be a clear winner.....kind of like Monopoly.....(I used to hate playing that with my brother....would go on....and on....and on....)

DG:

After the few days you just had you must be emotionally exhausted. Most of us have been there and remember it well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Try to get some rest and don't forget to eat ocasionally!

I've seen way too many "hopeless" cases turn around and become happy marriages on these boards, so I don't think your marriage is necessarily doomed. BUT...it seems to me that in order to have a successful marriage with your H you're gonna have to scrap the relationship you had and just start over together. A do-over.

First, readup on and start Plan A for yourself. I don't think you're very happy with who you've become, so do what you can to make a better person. DG should be a woman who can love herself. The best way to Plan A is to get God deeply involved in the process.

You know it already, but I'll still say it: No Contact with OM is a requirement for you and your marriage to heal. If you're not willing to go completely NC, then IMO you might as well proceed to Plan D: Divorce.

You can't control your H's decisions or actions, but you can control your own. Start doing that in a way that makes you proud to be you.

You're in a confused and painful place right now, but your situation is not hopeless. Your kids deserve 100% from you here. As I said, you can't make your H do what's right, but YOU certainly can.

Read up on Plan A...Recovery is a long road, but that's where it starts.

Lori

you're keeping score: "well at least i didn't ..."

you're kidding yourself: "my lies won't be a wall ..."

you've appreciated his honesty but have withheld your own. as sad as it is, your h has been more fair to you than you have been to him. if you fear for your safety, then find a safe way to be honest.

like 2long and tmcm have said, your husband may surprise you with his reaction. many men have.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

What I said was, if you aren't going to have an honest marriage...you should get a divorce. If it isn't in your intent to fess up to YOUR part in the destruction of your marriage, then you should let your husband move on.

I don't think you intend to be honest. Your just giving more excuses and justifications. Heck, you admit you were only going to tell him to hurt him. And when it looked like it was going to jeapordize your position of being better than him...you backed down. Atleast that's how it looks from here. I could be wrong...but atleast I'm honest about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good luck, DG, sincerely. I think you're definatly going to need it. You're still in denial big time.

I just want to say a few things.

.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:
... but I'm scared of his reaction and of course EVERYONE in the family would find out and OM GF. I don't want to upset everyone for something that meant absolutely nothing to me. BUT I will think about it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">first, your husband's reaction is unknown. there have been numerous instances where women here have revealed their affair to a husband they thought would get violent, only to watch him become a wad of putty.

my wife thought i'd be so furious that i'd leave the house and never come back. that didn't happen.

om's gf has a right to know. just like your husband does. just like you had a right to know about your h's indiscretions.

lastly, everyone in your family already IS upset over something that means nothing to you. if it means nothing to you, then what do you have to lose?

Ultimately DG,
What you and your H decide to do is up to both of you, don't worry about anyone else. It is true, that the best way to start is to be completely honest with one another. Even if you do work it out again, whose to say that when H isn't giving you what you want you will turn to another OM or him another OW? Honesty will help you both become accountable to each other. There is a whole process that goes with taking these first steps; I realize how important it really is the core foundation of marriage.

Also, I thought my H would kick me to the curb too; he even told me one time, if he ever caught me with another man, he would kill us both... I too was scared for the longest time, but I also didn't want to give up OM nor did i want my H to know who I really was and what i did. Regardless of wether it meant anything to you or not, both you and H deserve the truth... he deserves to know what he's dealing with and free to make his own descisions. If he ever finds out someday, when all this came out, that will hurt him more than anything, knowing that he fessed up to you and all along you hid your own A. He will feel as though his life with you had been a lie up to this point... Thats what scared me more than anything, I didn't want my H to think that our M was a lie even though I had given up OM long ago. I also told him with the understanding that he could leave and I would end up with nothing, but I deserved it. I was prepared to let him go... but thank god he chose to have us work together to get passed it. You on the other hand, have an H who is having his own A... I think that creates even ground for the both of you to work this out now with complete honesty........ Just my .02

mj

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

DG:

I think if you polled the men here that have learned of their W's A, that MOST of them (me included) chose 2 try 2 figure out what went wrong rather than run away. My W even asked me if she should spend the weekend in a hotel so I could be alone and I said no.

You have 2 choices:
1) don't tell your H. He then goes 2 the OW like he planned 2.
2) tell your H. If you do, he could decide 2 do one of 2 things: a - he could go 2 the OW like he planned 2; or b - he could change his mind, stay, and try 2 figure out what went wrong.

Sounds like a worth-while thing 2 do 2 me.

As for "protecting" the OM or the OMs GF. Bull Feathers. Tell everyone involved the truth so that they can make intelligent choices as 2 what they want 2 do with their lives.

please take care,
-2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2Long:

"As for "protecting" the OM or the OMs GF. Bull Feathers. Tell everyone involved the truth so that they can make intelligent choices as 2 what they want 2 do with their lives."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't agree more.

DG the OM is nothing but a lowlife sexual predator who tried many times to seduce you in the past (before you found out about your H's affair and his OC), who USED YOU when you were at your lowest, and used body language to intimidate you with the possibility of physical violence, so as far as I'm concerned he deserves no mercy. His GF does deserve to know what kind of man he is so she can decide if she wants to continue having a relationship with him or dump him for good (I hope she opts for the latter). And the same with your in-laws so they too can be made aware of the poisonous snake they been befriending all these years.