I've been married for over 3 years now and with this woman for 9. She's 3 months pregnant with our first child. I love her and always have but I never believed in soul mates. I just believed in finding love and marrying that love. I didn't think there could be the perfect match out there for me. I didn't believe that I could find someone who loved almost everything I did, had the same interests, same personality, supported everything I did, even if it was negative, etc, etc.

Well, that woman walked into my life about a month ago. We met through friends and from that first day I felt an attraction. First it was physical but it's grown to much more than that. It's now emotional and mental. I connect with this woman on all levels. She is my soulmate. I now believe everyone has a soulmate, just most people never find theirs. At first I just thought maybe this was just a crush or something but the more I get to know this woman, the deeper I fall in love with her. I think about her all the time and the time we get to spend together is incredible. She supports everything I do, has all the same interests, finds all my weird traits attractive, thinks along the same lines I do. It's scary, we'll be sitting there and be thinking the exact same thing about a situation. We think along the same lines 99% of the time. We talk alot about our feelings towards each other and they're 100% mutual. She never believed in soul mates either until she met me.

What I feel with this woman I have truely never felt. Yes, I love my wife, I always will but there was never these feelings for her. I don't believe I settle when I married her. I married a great supporting woman. We have our differences but she's always supported me and been there for me and I've done the same. I guess this goes back to when I didn't believe in soul mates, knew I had found a great woman, and didn't want to lose her.

I think about my situation all the time and I believe now I would probably leave my wife if she wasn't pregnant. I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home. I've been blessed to have parents that have been married for 30+ years. The thing is, how do I ignore my heart? I truely want to be with this other woman, I don't want to hurt my wife, and then you add in the fact that I'm going to be a father, and I've got a recipe for disaster.

I was with my wife for 6 years before we married. I've known this other woman for just over a month and if I was single right now, we'd be engaged by Christmas and probably married within months. I always thought it took a lot of time to get to really know someone. Does it? I don't believe that any more either.

Another side note, she has a boyfriend of 5 years but has said over and over again, she will leave him in a second for me. She loves him but she's not in love with him. I truly believe this.

My soul mate or my wife? What do I do? I know I should stick to the commitments I made but I have no control over my feelings towards the other woman. I've tried 3 times to walk away and so has she. It hasn't worked. Our love grows stronger every day

I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her. Tell her what you feel and think .. be open and honest about it. She deserves to know the truth .. how would you feel if it was her that was having the A?

I will say the you did come to the right place .. you might want to start reading and looking thru this site .. you also should pick up a copy of surviving an affair you can order it here or from your local bookstore.

I will tell you that you are not the first or the last that will use the term "soul mate" and if you start reading and looking around this site you will see that all to clear..

<small>[ November 09, 2003, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

The sad part of this, fighter, is that what you are going through is all too common. Men seem to stray at an alarming rate when their wives are pregnant. The length of your relationship plays in to the reasons as well.

I know what you are feeling...but she is NOT your soulmate. The two of you are feeding each other exactly what the other wants. You're feeding the addiction to each other. If you've read the information that this site gives about infidelity, you might start to see how textbook the feelings and statements given by a wayward spouse are. "I love her but I'm not in-love with her", "The OP is my soulmate", "We didnt' mean for this to happen" etc...

Of course you've tried to end it and it didn't work. Because you've had no consequences for your actions...you're wife doesn't know the truth...and because when you're apart you just feed in to the fantasy all the more for when you get back together. That just makes each reunion all the more passionate and romantic.

Here's the unromantic reality of the situation, however. At some point you will have to make a choice. You will either have to leave your wife, or leave your lover. If you leave your wife, she will be devistated. And it will be because of your dishonesty and betrayal. You'll try to sell it off as destiny or 'I never meant for this to happen, it just happend and this is the way it has to be'. Doesn't matter, she won't buy in to it. She'll be very very deeply hurt. And the guilt will just kill you. So you'll try to combat it with anger. Well, that won't work in your favor...you'll get out, but the angry outbursts that you use to try to overshadow the guilt will only cause more guilt. You'll leave feeling worse than when you thought about leaving. Then you'll probably just be written out of your childs life. I mean, why confuse them by only popping in and out on the weekends. If you think you'll be involved more than that, you're kidding yourself. Because your ex-WIFE will not want that much contact with you, your lover will be jealous of any attention not directed at her, and whatever new person in your ex's life will definatly not take kindly to the way you discarded a woman and child they think so highly of. You can dream it any different way you want...that's still the reality of the situation.

Or, you can leave your lover. You'll still have to admit the truth to your spouse. They will find out eventually anyway. Your lover will mourn you and move on...either in her own marriage or with someone new. She'll most definatly find another soul mate out there. I know people who find them all the time. It's the high that 'in love' gives you. It's chemical. And you and your spouse will have hard work ahead of you. You'll have to learn to be open and honest and gain skills for communicating and negotiating in the marriage better. You'll have to learn to be partners, instead of individuals that just live together.

My husband and I were one of the lucky ones who got back together. We're very very happy and in retrospect I believe I am much happier than I ever would have been if I had moved on with the OM. Different person just means new and different issues...not less. And then there would be the child issues. Split family. It's nice not to be a part of that and have that stress. Plus, with a child involved, you are never truly away from your spouse. The thought of sharing our child with someone new in his life, and trying to negotiate parenting issues between us and two new people...horrendous. It does happen...but it's never as comfortable and easy as just keeping it between parents.

So...whatever. You can deny the truth and continue on your path. Eventually a choice will have to be made. I will guarantee you that the longer you avoid making that choice, the worse the consequences and outcome will be. I've been there done that...seen it hundreds of times. You can't beat the odds. You just can't. Reality remains reality, whether you choose to embrace it or not.

Good luck, sincerely.

I think you need to tell your wife immediately. She probably thinks she is married to a MAN and is under the illusion that you are COMMITTED to her. She needs to know the truth so that she can make informed decisions about HER life. She may not choose to stay married to you under these circumstances and she has a right to make that choice.

Secondly, we have many wayward spouses on this forum who have also have had a few "soulmates." Believe me, after the heat wears off, they aren't calling them "soulmates" anymore. It is an infatuation that often results from needs not being met in a marriage. And sometimes people just do it because they aren't really marriage material in the first place. I don't know which it is in your case.

Either way, it is unrealistic to believe you "love" someone inside of 1 month, because you can't possibly get to KNOW someone in that short of time. You can't really "love" what you don't know.

Hopefully, some WS's will weigh in here and give him a hand.

Great replies so far everyone, thank you. I'm having such a hard time with this. I never thought this could happen to me.

I have a friend going through the same thing. He's on the opposite end. He's the OM so I get to see what my OW will go through and see things from their point of view. His went on for 5 years and they've been trying to end it for months now. He keeps telling me over and over again why I need to get out now. I know he's right, but I can't bring myself to do it. He talks about the same things everyone has replied to me here about.

Why can't I listen to good advice. Everyone here is giving me good advice and I have a friend who has been down this road, who I trust very much and know he wouldn't lead me in the wrong direction, and still, I won't listen. I guess I see where everyone is coming from but maybe I don't want to believe it or just don't want to listen because there is so much excitement with the OW. I'm not sure. The OW is definitely a drug and I'm addicted. I'm confussed, lost, etc. Basically, an emotional rollercoaster.

Fighter

I read through the above rather quickly but I don't think I saw anything about the baby. What about the baby? Has the OW said anything about the baby or does want one of her own? Who will become your new baby's full time dad? Or will he have to do the best he can with every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer? Who is going to fight for him/her, Fighter?

I know that I was ready to forget my prsent family and "run away" with my "soulmate". You have no idea the devestaion that you are causing right now as you are wondering "which way do I go?" and how that devastation will continue long after you are gone.

You say you found your "soulmate" I say too bad you made a baby and now you are obligated to that child until he can fight for himself and that is a full time job not a half time I will if I can and if I can't Oh well. Won't it be cool for him to know how you struggled wheather you wanted to be full or part time dad? I am sure he'll understand it was because you found your "soulmate"
H

My WW believes the same thing. Read Harley's book Surving An Affair. One of the 'sample' affairs he gives is a soulmate affair. Very similar to my situation.

You are falling into the same trap my WS fell into. First, one mistakes a fantasy existence with real life. The OW looks a lot better because one has a fantasy relationship with her. For example, is the WH going through pregancy with her? I think not!

Second, one starts working on fantasy relationship and stops working on the marriage. Then claims that fantasy affair is better than the marriage. Gosh, I wonder why?

I'm the BS in my situation. My WW is much like you. She felt all the same things you are feeling, but she decided to take that path to OM. It's been a little less than 4 months now. I can tell you right now she is not very happy. Even less happy than when she was in our marriage that wasn't going so great. She is nowing trying to decide whether to come back or stay where she is. If she really loved this OM, she wouldn't have any questions about staying or leaving. She's in a mess to say the least.

I'm not gonna say my W is lucky because I am willing to wait, but I could have easily let her go and I don't think she would have liked those consequences. You are in a better position right now. End this before it gets too deep. Save yourself and your wife a lot of pain. You need to tell your wife and also let her make her own decisions.


What you are doing is hurting everyone involved. You, your W, this other person and this other person's boyfriend. You will be responsible for causing so much more pain if you don't end this soon...

Hiker, you bring up the thing that makes this so tough... my unborn child. Yeah, the other knows about it. She knows everything. We've been completely honest and up front with each other. If only I could do that with my own wife. That's a point of concern with me when it comes to the OW.... my unborn child. Not because of anythign she's said or hasn't said but I do worry about it a lot. She's 4 years younger than me and very open about not wanting kids until she's 30. I'm 28, she's 24.

The child thing is what I struggle with most. Some have said, the day my child is born, I will feel a love I've never felt before. I believe that 110%. The weird thing about all of this, if my wife wasn't pregnant, at least in my own mind, I believe I would leave for the OW.

What the heck is wrong with me? I've got a great woman at home, we've been together for 9 years (dating and married) tomorrow. We don't have a lot in common (common interests) but we have common goals and values. We've been through the hard times of starting out, had our money problems, family problems, etc. We've made it through them all. She's my best friend. She loves me so much. If you asked her who her soulmate is, she'd say me. My friends and family love her. My friends tell me how lucky I am and that they want to find a woman like her. What do I do, take her for granted.

The oOW is so much like me, it's scary. We share a million things in common. I've done things in the past that really anger my wife. I've told the OW these things and she sees why I did them and supports these things. No need to go into details but a lot of the things in life that I love (hobbies, etc), the OW loves or supports (understands why I love them). As my friend put it, the OW is filling those gaps that exist in my marriage. Agree or disagree????? He also says that it's a bubble world with the OW. I can see that. But can't it always be like this with the OW if we were together exclusively??

In no special order... my commitments, duties as a soon to be dad, my unborn child, my friends, my family, my job, my wife, my social life, sneaking around, cheating, being dishonest, what the future would be with the OW, the way the OW makes me feel so good about myself, the fact that I can't get the OW out of my head for more than a minute, etc. etc. THE THINGS I STRUGGLE WITH DAILY.

Based on this situation, most of you probably won't believe me but I'm an extremely strong person. I've been through a lot and have overcome everything. Friends and family turn to me in times of need because of the strengths I hold as an individual. I usually bottle everything up inside and take care of things on my own and it always works. For being as strong as I believe I am, I've never felt so weak and helpless.

fighter, before you make any decisions, read "Survivng an Affair". There is a story in there that speaks to your situation EXACTLY. Harley specializes in making "soulmates" out of spouses. It can be done - we are proof. Read the book and you will see how and why that works. BTW, Harley has also written a book called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" that shows why so many people who live together before marriage get divorced - and how the habits of conflict resolution they tend to develop before marriage destroy the possibility of developing the kind of close, intimate ("soulmate" if you will) relationship that most married couples aspire to. You might want to pick that up, as well.

<small>[ November 09, 2003, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

fighter... I'd suggest the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

Afterword

Check out the link for a sample.

Cali

OK, so it seems we've established that being in an affair is a bad thing. This is not the opinion of some cultish group, it's the facts and most of us have been there in one form or another. It's an addiction. And it WILL lead you down an ugly ugly path. You can't change what has been, but you absolutely can change how much worse everything could get.

How do you do it? Honesty and integrity. Simply, you be a man. You own up to your indiscretions, you seek outside help for you and your wife, and you become a partner with your wife...and in that, you exclude the OW. You cut off contact immediatly and cold-heartedly. I know, that's the part that always gets a WS...they can't stand to hurt the OP. Yet you are tearing out your spouses heart and doing cookies on it. So you already ARE hurting someone.

One thing I wanted to touch on, since you've mentioned how much alike you and the OW are. I was BLOWN AWAY at how much the OM and I were alike. I believe that's a large part of what swept me away. I learned some things over the past couple of years that have opened up my eyes enourmously. I'm not sure that I can fully explain it to you, and I'm not sure that in the fog you'll hear any of it, but I'll try....

There are many different testing methods for finding out things about your personality type. A big one is the Myers-Briggs and/or Kiersey. I know you can take the Kiersey test online and for $10 get a full description of your personality. You might be shocked to read yourself on paper. I was. I was floored. It explained SO MANY things to me. Then one of our counselor had my H take the test as well. He was the exact opposite. Unfortunatly our counselor told me that meant we would never work out together. Well, guess what. She was highly negligant in giving me that information. I have since spoken with highly competant people who work with this testing method who have told me the exact opposite. The truth is, most first marriages are to people of opposite personality typing. Second marriages are often to people of very similiar personality typing. Now, does that make one type match better than another? No. What it means is that unless you learn to understand each other, to communicate and love each other the way the other will understand, your marriage will fail. When that fails, understandably, since you didn't get the skills needed to work with someone of opposite temperment, or personality, you will naturally seek out someone who is very much like you. Will this work better? No. Because with having like personalities comes a whole new plethora of issues. Communication is sometimes easier on one level, but often harder on another. And the big difference...the one that really stood out to me that helped me to see the reality of a future with a man EXACTLY like me...is that without someone with the opposite set of skills as you...you will be weak in many areas. Where my husband is strong, I am weak, where I am strong, my husband is weak. Together, we make a really nice complete package. If OM and I had gotten together, we would have had many frustrations when we both expected the other to fill a set of needs that neither of us were skilled in. Do you understand what I'm getting at? If not, and if you're interested in more, I will give you some links to websites that probably can explain better. It's eery how different we think we are, until you break it down. Obviously we're all individuals, but we're more alike and predictable than we think.

One last thing. You said you have a friend who is the OM. Yucky. I say that because most OM/OW I have spoken with or heard from have such a selfish mentality. I know you would never suspect that from your OW, but it is our ACTIONS that define us...not our words and not our intentions. OP often have a huge victim mentality mixed with a rescuers complex. They think they need to save the WS and they think they're the victim when they are treated as less than a prize. It's not healthy. It's not healthy at all. That type of mentality is not good for a relationship. It means they have issues. Period. You should take a long hard look at what your friend is and has gone through, and who it has made him. Remember, we ARE what we DO, not what we say we will do or think we are.

Who are you? And who do you intend to be? Decide that, and then follow it with the appropriate actions. It's not as hard as you think it is.

Thank you to everyone again. I've been doing a lot of ready on this site as well as really listening to what everyone has been responding with. It's amazing to me how many people have gone through what I'm going through. I'm sorry so many people have hurt and been hurt through this type of behavior.

Well, the OW is out of town right now visiting her BF in Florida until Tuesday. So, that means I'm obviously not seeing her but still talking on the phone or email. Well, the last I spoke with her was yesterday around 4:30pm and had driven my self crazy by today since I haven't talked to her yet. It has nothing to do with her being with him, it's because I won't call her down there for fear of getting her in trouble. He watches her cell phone. He doesn't trust her and actually has a hint that something is going on with her and I. Long story, no reason to go there but he's got a pretty good clue. So, I'm going crazy because I don't hear from her. I then get on here and start chatting with everyone and start to get it in my head what I need to do, end this thing. I spend the day still thinking about the OW but begin to drift towards doing what is right. Then.... she calls. Now I'm right back where I was. She had good reason for not calling and I believe her. I mean, we are both sneaking around. So now I'm back to where I was 24 hours ago which isn't where I should be but it's where I keep ending up.

I guess I'm just venting now because this really doesn't have anything to do with the big picture, or does it???

The things that have been said about us being a like and why that really wouldn't work in a reality world are all true. I actually had a GF at one time that was very much like me but broke it off because I knew I couldn't be with myself day in and day out. One of me is bad enough but two... that's trouble! All joking aside, I know why two like people can't make it. On the other hand, I wish I had a woman who likes the things I like. Yeah, my wife and I should find things to do in common (hobbies) because we really don't have any but why can't she like what I like?? I know, I'm a selfish person, no doubt about it. I mean the OW likes sports. I know, sounds stupid but these are things that are a big part of my life that I really enjoy. That's just one example of many things we have in common.

I go back to the connection mentally and emotionally. I feel something when I'm in the OW's presence that I've never felt before. I'm starting to sound as if I'm trying to justify what I'm doing. There has been so much good advice and you've all helped me out a ton and made me see some things I wasn't seeing. So how do I get myself to do what's right before I ruin a lot of peoples lives? I'm the one in control of this situation but yet I have no control.

Sometimes I want to just run away and hope all of this will go away and sometimes I wake up in the morning hoping it was all a dream and I could bring myself back to reality..... that's where I need to get to.. REALITY.

Fighter: "It's amazing to me how many people have gone through what I'm going through. I'm sorry so many people have hurt and been hurt through this type of behavior."

YOU, Fighter, it's YOU! YOU are about to hurt a bunch of people. YOU are about to go through an enormous amount of pain. Your OW's boyfriend is already onto you. It's about to get ugly.

A.M. Martin,

I know. You are 100% correct. That's why I wrote what I did. I realize the pain associated with this and I'm headed down that path. I couldn't agree with you more.

Fighter, you sound just like my H did 4 years ago. The soulmate thing, the never felt a connection like this before. He absolutely knew that this other woman was who he was destined, supposed to be with. Even this sounds familiar...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Based on this situation, most of you probably won't believe me but I'm an extremely strong person. I've been through a lot and have overcome everything. Friends and family turn to me in times of need because of the strengths I hold as an individual. I usually bottle everything up inside and take care of things on my own and it always works. For being as strong as I believe I am, I've never felt so weak and helpless. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do believe you. Oddly enough the counselor we saw said this is very common...that a strong guy that everyone turns to often falls the hardest when someone breaks thru and touches his 'core'.

Finally, he told me what was going on with him, we got some very good, marriage-oriented counseling, and ended up with not only a healthy and intact family, but in-love with each other in a deeper way than ever before.

I hope you will get some help thru this. Good luck!

Kathi

Fighter, You've gotten some great advice. As someone who's been in your place, it is ALL SO TRUE. The problem now is, that although you're distraught with guilt and indecision, the thrill and excitment of the affair is over-riding the negative emotions. You are still in your cake eating glory and haven't experienced any of the true real life consequences of your actions.

My version of the "ghost of marriage future".....imagine if you will the heart break in your wife's eyes as you tell her of your need to be with your 'soul-mate'....
picture saying goodbye to the woman you clearly love but simply can't compare to the fantasy embellished OW. Imagine your ex and mother of your child DATING.....and finding a man who wants to love her and cherish her....picture him cuddling her at night and silently thanking god her husband <you> suffered temporary insanity and left her. See him raising 'your child' while you get to 'visit' on every other w/e and 2 week days.
Envision the fights with the OW, and they WILL arise because of the guilt you harbor and secret resentment you hold for her initial involvement with a married man.
See a new marriage that might contain more common interests....but geez, you kind of thrived on the differences you had with wife #1. You KNOW it worked in your first marriage....you've truly no clue what issues will arise with the 24 yr old woman who may change 20 times over before she reaches your age.
Imagine wishing so hard you could turn back the hands of time. But instead you allowed selfish foolish desires to kill what once was good.

I know intellectually you realize this, but try, REALLY try to imagine the above as reality. Imagine it to the point of nausea. Embrace your wife and marriage and future of your family before you lose it.

Fighter,
I have one thing to say, PLEASE... If OW's BF is suspicious, he will be telling your wife soon. PLEASE, PLEASE tell her before she hears it from someone else. It will help with your marital recovery later ( And I strongly feel you will come out of this fog and see your wife as the wonderful true to you woman that she is)

I know this is going to sound like a horribe slam to you, but I think it is what most people think, and sorry in advance for hurting you, I just want you too see what most people will say about you after this affair comes to light... (and God help you all, it will) There is nothing more despicable than a man who cheats on his pregnant wife.

This should be one of the most happiest times in your lives, please stop tainting it with what you are doing. Tell her and ask for advise here on how to handle making this easier for your wife. She is about to go through the most horrible thing that will EVER happen. The sad thing is that the man she loves and is supposed to protect her, is the one twisting the knife.

Fighter

You seem to be aware that you SHOULD end this affair. The problem would appear to be the difficulty of doing so - the fact that your desire to keep OW in your life outweighs everything else.

This is a link to an old post that may help: Help for betrayers who want to stop but can't.

TA