fighter,
no matter where you are right now, my thoughts are with you.

I can truely understand the pain that "both" sides experience.

If you need a shoulder, please have trust with us.

We are not here to put you down.

No matter what, take care of yourself.

bb

I want to first appologize for being away for so long. It wasn't intentional. I've been so busy lately with work and school and home that I haven't had a lot of extra time. With that being said, I'm truely sorry to leave you all hanging.

Everything is good on my end. Things are great at home and have been for a couple weeks now... since I started posting and everyone opened up my eyes. Thank you. Actually, I have a date with my wife again tonight! We stopped going on dates for a while. I don't know why but to all of you reading this, take your significant other out on a date. It means the world to them and I see now why they say that even married couples need to continue dating. Anyway, all is great and so is our unborn. We're at week 17 right now and doing great.

I did meet with the OW on Wednesday. I know everyone said I shouldn't but I did because there's no way we aren't going to see each other from time to time. We had a good talk. Actually a really good talk and it turns out that I fell a heck of a lot harder for her than she did for me. Like I said before, it was the stress of home and the job and she was my fantasy land where those problems didn't exist. Back to the subject. We talked a lot about how we both got wrapped up in fantasy land and both know it was or never could be reality. I have practically no emotional feelings for her. I'd be untruthful if I said I had none but it's pretty close to none and as time goes on it become less and less. With that being said, we're done. Will I fall back in? NO. Why? Because I know how strong of a person I am and I've never felt so strong about anything in my life as I do now for my family.

So, to all of you who were concerned, thank you. If it should take me a few days to respond, just know it's because I'm not able too, not because I'm avoiding you. Things are just extremely busy around here for me.

I know there will be some questions and I know there were some previous ones I didn't answer to some people. I can't remember who I owe answers to and what about. Sorry. I do want to answer and help out others as you've all helped me out so I'll work at checking the posts more often.

Good bye for now. It's time to get ready for my date!!!

fighter:

Now it's time 2 work on affair-proofing your marriage. You need 2 find a time when you can safely tell your W everything about what happened. You MUST protect her and your M from another incident like this, and you must do so as a TEAM (which is why you must tell her).

Radical honesty requires this of you.
-2long

I think that you are on the right path. You have showed that you do care about whats going on just by being here. You didnt just post once venting then leave. You are lucky to have this place to come to, just like I am! I hope that you can try to overcome this addiction to this woman. It seems like you are seeing the light. You do need to one day sit down with your wife and tell her all thats happening. She will be very angry, upset, hurt, confused! But if you explain to her that you are trying very hard to end it and ask her to read some of the wise words on this site, she may begin to understand and help you. You never know. Maybe she dont like alot of the things that you like becuase you dont like hers. People can be funny. It hurts when your spouse hates things that you love! I know this feeling! Thats what happened to my husband and I. Its bad and will distroy a relationship fast! Maybe this can be one of the things you have in common....working on saving your marriage. You never know, later on you might have the best marriage you always wanted!
Good luck.

fighter, great to hear from you. Sounds like you're on the right track. In good spirits, too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know everyone said I shouldn't but I did because there's no way we aren't going to see each other from time to time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean that you will continue to see her from time to time in an "affair" way, or just at the grocery store or what? If you mean in the affair way, realize that if you see or talk to her it will send you backward. I know you said you don't have much emotional feeling for her now, but just want you to be conscious of this.

Continue on the path with your wife. Keep posting, especially when you may feel you want to contact OW.

Take care!

fighter,

just one question...............

Why do you feel that you are able to controll seeing the OW???

Do you honestly believe that Steve H. dooesn't have a clue about what he is talking about???

Try to see it this way..........Will your wife and your unborn child be happy with the fact that you are still seeing OW???

If you are doing something that you must "hide" why are you doing it????

What will you be able to share with your child when it is older??
Will you be able to tell this and what you were up to???

I can understand that everybody can make a mistake, I can even understand that someone can get involved in an affair. I truely can understand this.

But I cannot understand that someone that is aware of the pain is capable to "carry on" with this and still think it's ok.

take care
bb

Fighter,

I am not trying to ridicule you. I am truely worried about you and your family, whoever you are. So here's a 2x4 for you:

November 9:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What I feel with this woman I have truely never felt. Yes, I love my wife, I always will but there was never these feelings for her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">November 22:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Will I fall back in? NO. Why? Because I know how strong of a person I am and I've never felt so strong about anything in my life as I do now for my family.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are still deeply in the fog (of some sort), Fighter:

You have not addressed the issue of telling your wife about this. I think that's because you believe that because "how strong" you are, you can get through this and save your family without telling her. When really, you are scared of the consequences.

You are NOT strong...it sounds like you are a very passionate guy, yes, but don't fool yourself. You are married with a pregnant wife ...and you slept with another woman after knowing her for less than a month. That's not a strong guy.

You are on a rollercoaster and the only hope you have of getting off is by ending contact with OW & telling you wife.

Eventually, this is likely to get back to your wife Fighter. Either through the mutual friends in your life that know about this, the OW b/f (when he finds out), the OW herself, or YOU - one day when your guilt has got the better of you.

Most importantly you have exposed you W and baby to STDs - she has every right to know this.

There is no way you can recover your marriage if you try to bear this cross on your own. You might think you can, but eventually it will blow up in your face.

Bearing you soul to your wife will be very painful for you both, but you will be so much better off in the long run.

At least tell us:

- are you going to tell you wife or not?
- are you going to get tested for STDs?

fighter, how did Thanksgiving go?

Stung,

Thanksgiving was good. It's always a long day for me, running between two families. We started the day off at my in-laws, went to my parents after and then finished the night off at the neighbors. About a 13 hour day all together. Pretty typical Turkey Day!!! It was nice though.

How was your Thanksgiving? And to everyone else who reads this, I hope you all had an enjoyable one.

Thanks for asking, fighter. My husband is back living with us and he went with us to Thanksgiving at my parents house.

It was very nice to be around many of the people I love. It was the first time that my husband has seen my family since I told them of our separation. We haven't talked about it, but I think he felt pretty comfortable. Our road to recovery is good.

fighter12,

Too much vaugeness for me.

Have asked several pertinant questions. Not recieved an answer. I perceive that you are still in the FOG.

Good luck and God Bless you and keep you. And I hope your wife never finds out, because if she does, it will all be a lie to her, the pregnancy, everything. I hope you, by the grace of God, will not have to deal with this.

How many times do we have to ask WS for the truth, and it is all hidden? The longer this goes on, the longer it will take to recover.

Sorry for the 2X4. Bonk,bonk,bonk.

Do you have ANY response to me? I have seen a minimal response to general, but I would like for you to answer me. Thanx.

God bless you and I hope it all goes well for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ November 30, 2003, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Miss M,

I have not intentionally blown off your questions or avoided them. The fact is, this post is now 8 pages (going on 9) long and who knows how many questions I've been asked. To keep up with everyone's questions have been impossible. I can't get on here daily so that makes it even harder. I just couldn't answer all of the questions because they were flying in so fast. I was getting multiple new posts every day and just couldn't keep up with them.

You mention that you think I'm still in a fog. Not true. My mind is clearer today then it's been in a long time. As I previously mentioned, this whole bad situation brought me here and all of you here opened my eyes to how good I have it at home. My wife and I were on a rocky road before this happened. We weren't really getting along all that well. Had this situation not happened, I would have never turned to all of you and we'd still be on this rocky road. No, it definitely doesn't make what I did justifiable. My wife and I are getting along better today then we have in over a year.

To answer a couple of your questions...

Did she have any feelings about my wife being pregnant? Yes, she does. It bothers her. For her it was never about hurting my wife. If anything, she was concerned about it. Yeah I know, it sounds weird but she was. I think you also asked if she has my home phone and knows where I live. The answer to both is... no.

I'm sure there are more questions you asked that I missed so if you could send them again, instead of getting angry with me, I'd appreciate it.

fighter12,

Thank you so much for your answers.

FYI, I wasn't angry, just very concerned for your wife and your situation.

I did not mean to come off so harsh. Sometimes you cannot communicate the tone of voice in cyberspace. I was not angry. Just concerned. This is good that ow does not have home phone #. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you so much for your reply. I know it can be overwhelming. Sorry about that.

I am just worried about your wife and that ow might contact her as your BS is in a fragile state right now.

I urge you to end all contact with ow. This is best for all concerned. I believe that the longer contact is continued, the longer it takes for recovery. I have been there.

You were overwhelmed. You chose the wrong path. You are trying your best to do what is right. If ow is concerned about your BS, this is a good time for NC letter.

You know what is the right thing. DO IT.

Praying for you, God Bless and give you peace.
So glad you had a great Thanksgiving. Hope you thanked the Lord for your wife and child and all the revelations you have been given. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

fighter:

I *AM* angry with you. Sorry up front.

"You mention that you think I'm still in a fog. Not true. My mind is clearer today then it's been in a long time."

The fog may be thinner, but it's still fog.

"Had this situation not happened, I would have never turned to all of you and we'd still be on this rocky road."

It truly IS possible for a Md couple 2 look back on the experience of infidelity as a GIFT. Because, like you said, if it hadn't come 2 that, an A, the BS often never "wakes up" 2 the realization that there are serious problems with the M, and the WS never wakes up 2 the realization that there are more efficaceous ways 2 alert the BS that you're "in trouble" than seeking solace in an inappropriate relationship with some OP. But UNTIL YOU TELL YOUR W ABOUT THE A, you haven't come out of the fog and she hasn't benefited from the "gift". You need 2 protect your M, true, but that does NOT mean hiding the truth of WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO UNDER PRESSURE from your W. BE REAL. BE AUTHENTIC. Who are you? Take off the mask of secrecy!

"No, it definitely doesn't make what I did justifiable. My wife and I are getting along better today then we have in over a year."

Between November, 2001, when my W "thought" she ended her A with RM, and January 2002, when I found out about it, we were getting along better than we had in many years. I had no idea why, because we had just had a catastrophic fire at our house and were living in rental housing, but I was enjoying the closeness we were finally having. My W would have preferred keeping her A a secret indefinitely. Just think about how selfish that desire is! And how self-destructive it is. For the rest of your life, you're going 2 have 2 keep your guard up. You're going 2 have 2 keep your secret. What if the OW and your W meet someday? What if you have problems in your M again, and can't vocalize your dissatisfaction 2 your W? Will you go back 2 the OW? Or find another one?

Being radically honest with those we've committed our lives 2 can be hard, and it often gets harder with time. All the more reason it's absolutely imperative that we do so!

Not only should you NC your "[censored] mate" (sorry, jack218, for ripping that term off!), you need 2 tell your W about the A.

-2long

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>