I fear that I will stay for my children, try to make it work, lose the OW, and then discover it is too late for my marriage.
So how would you ffeel if you divorced your wife, put your kids through all this crap, married the ow (or not) and you ended up NOT with the ow in 5 years?

Cause that is the very probable outcome (I'd bet paychecks on it) if you do get a divorce to be with ow.

c_f:

"I must have been unclear:"

I would have been more surprised if you had been clear.

"1) I am in the withdrawal stage from my wife (as in the stages of marriage)"

This may be, but you need to look at the bigger picture here. Compared to all that's happening to your M and the OW's M, the stage you and your W are in M-wise is hard to even notice, isn't it? You've placed your priorities elsewhere for a very long time.

"2) I thought Plan A was cutting off all contact with OW. In my case, that would be very, very difficult to do because of our respective situations."

You should have thought of this 11 years ago. By the way, I know how hard it is - my W had a 12-yr A with a colleague, and they'll likely see each other again under circumstances similar to those during their A.

"3) Part of those "situations" has to do with important civic activities. No contact with the other woman would also mean that I would be giving up much of what makes my professional life meaningful."

I'm going to be very hard on you. Or, it might seem so. Is your professional life more meaningful than your M? What are your priorities? Be honest with yourself, then make your decisions accordingly. My professional life is meaningful to me, too. It took me 20 years to get the opportunities I have now. But if it took jettisoning it ALL to save my M, I'd toss it in a New York Minute (those are really short, if you don't live in New York). But, again, you should have thought of all of this before you got involved with the OW.

"4) The affair was mine, but the wife who contributed to our problems is a real factor. She knows it and has tried to change."

And she should be commended for her willingness to do so. You need to change, too. I wonder if you can overcome 11 yrs of baggage - dishonesty, deceit, gross selfishness - because that's what you'll have to do to change YOU. Your W has her responsibilities. You have yours.

"5) I should not have married her. I know that."

How do you know that? And if you shouldn't have married her all those years ago, why did you? Why have you stayed M'd all this time if you know you shouldn't have M'd her in the first place. I seriously doubt you have a clue what you are talking about. Hence your name.

End of harsh post. I DO wish you well. I commend you for coming here and baring your soul. Right now, I think your W and the OWH deserve my well-wishes just a tad more than you do, though.

best,
-Qfwfq/2long

c_f:

"I fear that I will stay for my children, try to make it work, lose the OW, and then discover it is too late for my marriage."

This could happen. Brace yourself and get to work.

"I am afraid."

Rightfully so. Own your fears. Don't let them own you.

"I don't want to hurt my children,"

Too late for that. You've already hurt them by a lifetime of insincerity. Way2 said all this better than I can.

"I don't want to lose my lover, and I don't know how to resolve all this."

Clearly. Losing your lover is the right thing to do. You never really "had" her anyway. Think about it. It wasn't YOU to come home to her every night and weekend to comfort her when she needed it for the past 11 years, was it? Maybe her H didn't do a good job of it, maybe he did. I doubt we'll ever know, because I wouldn't believe the OW if she told me he didn't - her affections are divided. She wasn't fully committed to her H. It wouldn't surprise me if her M was "bad" because her H never could fully connect with her. I'm sorry he chose to run rather than work on the M, but it may even be possible that he's tried, and now he's decided to work on being a better companion to someone else down the line.

As to what you should do? Read the books H4F suggested. Read the articles about infidelity on the home page of this website. They're quite good. Look up Peggy Vaughn's website - her H had something like 15 different As over 7 or 8 years and they reconciled. Read Michelle Weiner-Davis' website and books. Read Penny Tupy's website (cerri on this forum). There's so much positive you CAN do if you can face the fact that, by getting involved with this OW 11 years ago while you were M'd, rather than DVing your W BEFORE getting involved at all with her, you'll never be able to have a fulfilling relationship with her. Remember, if she'll cheat WITH you, she'll cheat ON you.

-Qfwfq/2long

Oh CF,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now that her husband is gone, I know she doesn't want to - and I don't want her to have to do this - sit at home weekend and night after night all alone while I am with my family. That isn't fair. But - neither of us wants to give up the other. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm afraid I find this statement a little amusing. You've both spent the last 11 years in a polygamous relationship and you now suddenly expect her to "sit at home weekend and night after night all alone." Seems the real solution is to fix her up with a nice man <he says with tongue in cheek>.

There's no reason to think that she's now going to maintain an exclusive relationship with you. It's silly of you to base your decisions on the thought that she would just be sitting at home pining after you. Just plain dumb logic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> AFter eleven years, I think we are capable of understanding that we do in fact love each other, and, as I said before - she is the best friend I've EVER had.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, I suppose in light of the distinction between addiction and love I drew for you in my earlier post, you've decided that the best thing for your OW is you. Am I correct? Now, how do you reconcile what you're going to do to your children and your wife? There is NO loving way to do what you have to do to them to be with your OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Each of us was - is - concerned about our children and were willing to tolerate bad marriages for thier sakes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lastly, this is revisionist bullfeathers. I suspect you thought your marriage was healthy enough to raise happy and well balanced kids in, didn't you? Or did you hate your kids so much that you were willing to let them suffer in that bad marriage with you. No, you were like so many others in affairs...you were getting some important needs met by your wife AND important needs met by the OW. That's the ONLY reason for staying in both relationships. I'm sorry to sound harsh here, but you're really not thinking straight.

If you were really thinking of your kids here, just hanging around unhappy does them no favors. But the BEST thing you can do for them IS to stay and do the best you can to try to repair you marriage. It may well be that it can't be done but at least they can see you try.

The "I'm just staying for the kids" crap doesn't fly with me.

Like I said earlier - you have some choices to make. They won't be easy.

Low