Have you read Harleys book, Surviving an Affair? Your situation matches one in there to a T...and so many others. The affair is resumed over and over and over because the environment has yet to have changed.

Yes, KNOWING hurts...but not knowing is painful as well. Because the spouse suffers rejection and troubles...but just CAN'T put their finger on the reason why. There's a big elephant in the room and everyone sees it but them. Not knowing about the affair is not the same as not knowing that SOMETHING is wrong, but not knowing what. More often than not the spouse does know that something isn't right. In some cases they refuse to see because they are doing it themselves.

I have not read this book, no. Where can I get it? Or where can I access it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dreamcatcher:

geeze guys...give the girl a break..she's trying, trying to get over this thing she believed was true love (btw, i believe and she will soon too, that it is infactuation, not love that she feels)....let her do one thing at a time...perhaps once she's past the worse of the hurt she can think about telling her H...but a person can only take so much at one time...if she's not seeing or speaking to the OM at the moment, it's a moment that she can build on...
jmho </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you implying we gave her emotional indigestion? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Are you implying we gave her emotional indigestion?
_____________
i'm just saying that she has got to the point where she knows what she did is wrong and is trying to get passed it...breaking an addiction is hard, and i don't see the need to rush into telling her H...but i do see the danger of her falling back into it if the om finds that after the newness of the relationship with the new gf wears off and he comes back looking for his rush.....i hope for her sake this doesn't happen

although now that i think about it, bringing it all out into the light and seeing the consequences of her choices may be just what is needed to break the addiction...there are no easy answers i suppose...
ahhh, what do i know....

Dream maybe the delivery of our views could have been better presented to Sarie. But I beleive that she is fooling herself when she states that she'll be able to bear this secret to the grave and not affect her or her H. I say this because of the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie:

"Now, I wish I had met with him more often, I am sure he felt very rejected. I would have had sex with him everyday, if I had known he would no longer be a part of my life. This has been going on for 10 whole years!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If tomorrow the OM were to come back into her life, how likely is it that Sarie would be able to resist not giving in to him? Especially if she continues to feel the same way as the above statement of hers.

Sarie...I don't think you could be that good of an actress....my H also tried to continue his "normal" life while in the A...he too compartmentalized the A and his family separately...but he wasn't entirely successful.

I knew something was wrong...just didn't think he was capable of having an A. I thought it was all me that something was wrong with me...that maybe I was crazy that he was falling out of love with me because I wasn't good enough. I blamed myself for how he would act.

Are you saying that in 10 years you've never slipped up and given your H a glimpse of your inner conflict? Never gave him any indication that he wasn't meeting all your needs? Never withdrew from him at all in those 10 years? Never was moody with him? Never any hints at all? Are you really saying you were the perfect wife in those 10 years? Are you saying that you feel your H is so ignorant of your feelings that he could never tell in 10 years that you "faked" it with him?

Have you tried stepping our of yourself for a moment and going back and reading what you've written here with as an objective of an eye as you can manager? Try to pretend this is someone else who wrote this and try to see what you think then? Maybe you'll see what the rest of us are reading here.

Yeah, I did write that, as I have been in such despair and sorrow over losing him (OM) from my life.

I had made the decision, to NOT have sex with him anymore, however, when he told me he had found a woman to be his partner, to share his life, it sparked my heart's hot coals, and made me want to be with him, sexually, like during those first years of our our affair.

I guess it has something to do with appreciating someone when you realize you might lose them.

And yes, the thought of losing my husband from my life would be just as intense.

Sure, I am wanting my cake and frosting.
I was/am a fool YET I will NOT tell my husband about my affair; that to me would be very foolish of me to do.

I am still not convinced it is the right thing to do in all circumstances.
Love, Sarie

Sarie,
don't worry, your husband will find out. Why? Your OM has shown he has no respect for marriage or committed relationships. He is living in the initial infatuation stage with his new girlfriend now, but that fades with time. He will get bored. He knows you will start up with him again if he wants. So, I predict that within a year, you'll be right back to your old tricks. At that point, it will no longer be the two of you trying to decieve your husband, but he will be decieving his girlfreind too. The odds of discovery will have just doubled.

You think you are done with the OM. You are not. He'll be back. And the odds are you can't keep this secret from coming out. I promise you, your husband had suspicions. But, with you trying to play a good little wifey again, he has probably put those in the back of his mind. Once you start up again with OM (and you will) all the doubts will come crashing forward again, and your husband will start to pay attention. Your days are numbered. Your husband will find out. Better you tell him than him finding out on his own.
Michael

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Fine, don't tell. But atleast admit the true reasons. It's got NOTHING to do with your husband and his best interests. Because betrayed spouse after betrayed spouse have TOLD you that they KNEW something was wrong, they just weren't sure what. So it's VERY obvious that the FACTS are that not telling is NOT the best thing for your husband. The biggest reason is because you haven't changed your marriage one bit. It's been based on a lie for 10 years, and you're determined to keep it based on a lie. A couple of years down the road what the heck is going to keep you from jumping BACK in to two lives again? Nothing...because your marriage will still be based on a lie.

From Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue":

[q]I will say this over and over: no degree of good intentions will get you what you want. The reason that eighty-five percent of those who quit drinking start back within a year, and that almost ninety percent of those who lose weight gain it back within a year is because they never gave up the lifestyle that supported their destructive behavior.

Alcoholics set up their world so that they can keep drinking even though conciously they confess they want to stop. Heavy people set up their world to keep them overweight. They make sure that their lives revolve around food. They may have insight and they may try for short periods of time to exercise willpower in the midst of a weight-sustaining environment, but they never really change their lifestyle. And yes, you have set up your world and chosen yr lifestyle in a way that supports the existence of a bad relationship.

If you want different, you have to do different.[/q]

We've told you...it's not just an opinion, it's a FACT...that all your good intentions mean squat. You have no remourse for what you've done. You're still under the impression that it was a "Bridges of Madison County" scenario that's beautiful and has meaning. It doesn't. And if you truly believe your god has forgiven you and thinks it's ok for you to CONTINUE to live a lie...I think you need to think on that a little more.

I suspect you'll disappear from here soon. Not enough validation and sensitivity here. But I want you to remember what we've warned...what we've said. And down the road, when he comes looking for you again and you find yourself tempted and with no motivation to say no...go BACK to church, and ask your god why he would present the temptation to you again. My thoughts would be so that you have the opportunity to do it right the second time around. But maybe you'll decide it's just fate and that it means you're supposed to be together. Remember...god HATES infidelity. Or atleast that's the impression I've been given.

Good luck. Sincerely.

Yes I believe that my husband hadn't a clue.I am always cheery and upbeat and hide my sorrow well.
We lost our only son at age 18 from a car accident and I learned then, to hide my grief!

If I had told my dear husband and my daughters about the affair, I would have divorced my husband and married the OM. (Because I would have already hurt them and revealed my feelings!)

HE always wanted me for KEEPS but I told him I would never leave my husband or family so now he has found someone that he can marry and live happily ever after with. (That is good.)
It gives me a way out of the affair, the problem is our daily conversations were a HUGE HABIT and took up a lot of space of time in my daily routine and also in my mind.

HE will not tell her about us. He will protect my reputation, I haven't the slightest doubt in my mind about that.
Love, Sarie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> HE will not tell her about us. He will protect my reputation, I haven't the slightest doubt in my mind about that.
Love, Sarie </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he won't tell her about you. He wants to keep his options open. He knows that you will be there waiting for him when he decides he wants you again.

You better hope he never has reason to tell anyone. Because he is not an honorable man, and he would sell you out in a heartbeat if he needed to protect himself.
Michael

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie:

"If I had told my dear husband and my daughters about the affair, I would have divorced my husband and married the OM. (Because I would have already hurt them and revealed my feelings!)"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what you beleive but we BS also held the beleif that if our spouses ever cheated on us we would divorce them in a New York minute, and yet that didn't turn out to be the case. What people SAY they will do and what people ACTUALLY do are two totally different things. Ten years ago, did you ever beleive that you would have an affair? of course not, then why would you beleive that you would have divorced your H and married the OM?

Sally,

I thought I would respond to your post separately from Sarie's.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Fast forward 6 weeks, things got back into the swing of passion and emotion--more then ever. I believe this is partly what prompted his suggestion of a "break".

I will say, and I am sure I will be met with much opposition, that I regret telling my husband. It has caused him more pain then not knowing would have.

I told him to relinquish some of the guilt I was carrying around, a truly selfish act.

Now I see him suffer so much, and you are all right, he does not deserve this. He deserves better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah! But, Sally you are missing something. You are correct he deserves better than to be married to a woman that continues to cheat on him, after telling him. I doubt there can be a bigger pain, expect perhaps losing a child, or finding out your child isn't yours.

HOWEVER, at this point he is CHOOSING to be in the marriage. He is suffering the pain because he CHOOSES to see if the marriage can be saved. One day, and it may be soon, he will choose to leave, if you don't do better than you are. His choosing to leave will be HIS choice and he can do it with honor knowing he tried all he knew, gave all he could give, and loved as much as he could to save the marriage. You telling him, gave him this opportunity. You telling him gave him options.

He could try and rebuild a lost marriage or he could leave it. It was his choice and he has so far attempted to rebuild, but he will soon decide to leave unless YOU change. I will comment further on that in the next paragraphs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have been working on things.....it looks to be a very long road. I have doubts alot thathe will be able to meet my EN's. I try to tell him that sex isn't everything (he's big on it) and he gets angry because he feels that sex was BIG for me with OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men, equate sex with intimatacy, with love, and closeness. This is NOT a weakness of his, it is a failure on your part to understand your H. By the way, he is trying to meet your needs,but if YOU want to work on the marriage you should try and meet his needs. If you ever, and I mean ever decide to rationally think about this, you will see that your "love" with OM was based on YOUR efforts, it was not something he did. You went to his hotel the first night, You tried to meet his EN's, YOU had an active role in this affair.

Now look at your marriage. You are just sitting on your butt, saying "I have doubts alot thathe will be able to meet my EN's." HELLO! Any one home?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is his assumption though. I try to convey to him that OM met my EN's. Something my H is just not seeing. When I tell him (when he is coming on to me) "lets just cuddle and hold eachother" he gets PO'd.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM did NOT meet your EN's that first night, you threw yourself at him, you were looking for excitement, sex, fun, and an escape. It had nothing to do with OM meeting your EN's. Except for the need for fantasy and escape.

Your H get's PO'd because you are rejecting him, and he knows you are rejecting him in favor of the OM. Duh! You talk about him as if he is an idiot with no feelings and no love. The sad fact is that he clearly has more love than you know how to handle, you are pushing him away, in favor of a man you cannot be with and who wants to be with his W now that he has had his fun.

It's time Sally, for you to take your head out of the dark and look around. The ONLY person fighting for you, your marriage, your family, is YOUR H. Not you, not your OM, NO ONE else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't seem to have the interest in my H right now, especially the sex part. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really?? Imagine that! You spend all of your time focused on OM, and meeting his needs and how he meets yours (yeah, he is sure meeting your needs), and then you wonder why you don't have feelings for your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just want to be held and loved. Theres so much anger right now, fighting etc.

I can see why Sarie has not told her H. This is very difficult.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, there is anger, there is fear, but what you seem to fail to see is that there is a deep abidding love. Your H loves you or he would have walked. You know this, you just don't want to admit that you could have screwed over a man that loved so much for a fling with a married man that wants to work on his marriage. BUT, Sally, you know something that Sarie will never know if she doesn't tell her H. You KNOW your H loves you. You KNOW through all of the pain and rejection that you have heaped on him, he is still trying.

What you haven't figured out is how it is going to feel when he finally quits trying. Then you will see the damage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still have hope this will all work out.

I sit here and I do pine for OM. I can't just turn off my heart. You say it's about being truthful, hoenst and doing the right thing. Well it isn't that black and white. Willpower is difficult. Not 100% black and white, sorry. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is NOT about willpower. It is about honesty with yourself and your H. Why do you think I keep harping on you and Sarie being honest with yourselves?? It is because willpower is not going to solve your problems. It takes changes, honest changes, changes in habit, changes in perspective, changes what you feel commitment means.

You keep saying your H doesn't compare to OM, but then you say you PINE for OM, but you don't live with OM, you are not incontact with OM. OM is a ghost with no flaws, and your H is a real man. It is time to really look at your H and see his strength, then you will realize the issue of willpower is moot.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it were, there wouldn't be people overweight because the'd be able to say "nope, cant have any more cake". But they don't. The irristable urges aren't always overcome.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong answer! Willpower won't do it. What will do it is to change your circumstances and your approach to things. Irristable urges are an excuse you are using to cover up your lack of integrity, your lack of commitment, your unhappiness, your fickleness. The only irristable urge I know of is is BREATHING. People can convince themselves not to eat ANYTHING, or DRINK anything, and they can sure convince themselves not to CHEAT.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will try to make that happen because I do love my H and children and want them in my life, always.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I actually believe you. I really do, that is why I am posting to you so strongly. Because if you don't change your attitude, you will NOT have your H in your life and your children will be out of your life for portions of their growing up, and perhaps for all of their adulthood. Sally, you losing is NOT going to match you losing your H, and your children's family. THAT IS GOING TO REALLY HURT.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said previously, I am glad I found this board becasue I am sure I would have contacted him by this point.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad you did as well. You just need to realize that sometimes the best route is the hard route, and you did in fact do something that gave your H a chance: YOU TOLD HIM. You now know without a doubt that he loved you, and loves you. You need to decide to ACCEPT his love.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Sarie,

Have you noticed that I keep harping on you being honest with yourself. Before you can tell your H or rebuild your marriage, you must be honest with yourself. You continue to lie and say inconsistent things. Frankly, if you were to tell, it should be only after you have faced yourself and what you have done, and become an honest woman at least with yourself. As far as God forgiving you, don’t bet on it. He forgives those that are truly repentant, and you still lust for OM. You are not repentant and you know it, that is why you continue to lie to yourself.

We all have been pretty hard on you. Forcing you into a corner so to speak. Have you ever wondered why? Why? A group of strangers who don’t know you, or your family, your H, are so adamant about this? It is not because we get a cut of the proceeds from Harley, I can tell you that for sure. It is not because we want to see you or your H punished. It is because we want to see you two happy and have the sort of relationship you claim you had with OM. You and your H are NOT my age, but we are in the same block, and I can tell you that you are going to pay for this in ways you cannot imagine. But what I would like to see is that your H doesn’t pay for your sins as much as he very likely will if you don’t tell him.

You of course are sitting there wondering “what is that fool talking about?” Actually, if you are that is good. Your H is very likely to find himself in a marriage with a very withdrawn W. He is already in a marriage with a woman that does not respect him or think much of him. It will get worse. You are robbing him of the chance to be your hero. You prefer to think of him as your pet dog.

You are of course wondering how the heck did he get to that conclusion? I offer for your consideration your description of your marriage to your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband and I are buddies, we do everything together.

We visit our daughters and grandkids, grocery shop together, go to church and out for lunch afterward, ballgames, I fix his lunch for work and have supper ready when he comes home from work and yes I tell him I love him and yes we make love often. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take my dog out and we do things together. The kids love the dog. The only part that I don’t do with the dog is the part I put in bold. But, rumor has it that some people do. The point is you view your H as simply a companion, a dog. You do not talk of him as a human being with feelings, deep attachments, playing any role in your life other than that of a faithful dog. You have robbed him of his humanity with your lies. Although, I treat my dog well, I cannot imagine anything worse than being treated as a dog by my W.

You think you are sparing him??? I think you have condemned him to a life of a dog. He will never speak to your heart, he will never reach your heart, he will never hear from your heart or truly feel your love. He will never hear your deepest fears, hopes, feelings. He will be forever shut out of your heart and your emotions, just as if he were a dog.

He is a human being Sarie. He deserves the chance to decide his life and how it will be. He deserves the chance to rebuild his marriage. He deserves a chance to stand on his two hind legs and decide if he should be married to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do love my husband, it is just in a different way than I love the OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My point exactly. You LOVE your OM as a man. You love your H as a dog. You need to get real with yourself and see what you have really done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would not expect anyone other than someone that has had a passionate love affair with another man to begin to understand because before it happened to me, I would have said NEVER would I be unfaithful to my husband NEVER..
I never believed that I would become smitten, infatuated, obsessed with another man. NEVER. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You would never expect anyone to have a passionate love??? Give me a break. Most of the people here have had that, either within their marriages, via an affair or before they married. WE KNOW, it is you who doesn’t know. We understand better than you realize. We know you are not unique.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess it has something to do with appreciating someone when you realize you might lose them.

And yes, the thought of losing my husband from my life would be just as intense.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah! You probably wouldn’t. He is just your dog, faithful, friendly, supportive. Oh! You would miss him, but you haven’t really shared anything important with him in a long time if every.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure, I am wanting my cake and frosting.
I was/am a fool YET I will NOT tell my husband about my affair; that to me would be very foolish of me to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are right. It would be foolish for you to tell your H. YOU have too much to lose: your cake, your options (OM when he comes back, maybe staying with H), your community respect, heck your children’s respect, even your H will show up on the list somewhere. YOU have a lot to lose.

Your strategy is fine as long as your H is of no concern, which clearly he isn’t. You say you don’t want to hurt him, but you are already hurting him. Look at how you view him, how little respect you have for him, how little you value his love and trust. YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR A MARRIAGE THAT HAS THE PASSION THAT YOUR AFFAIR HAD is to tell your H. Then you will find out how deep his love his, then you will be able to tell him what is in your heart, and you will get to hear what is in his heart. Then, you will learn what a MAN is supposed to be.

Sarie, you have much to gain and so does your H. I told Sally above that while she regrets telling her H, she did him a huge favor. Yes he is hurt and she continues to hurt him, but he now has a choice, and he is choosing to stay for now. He may well leave, but he is trying to stay, if she will meet him at least part way.
You owe your H that much respect.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am still not convinced it is the right thing to do in all circumstances. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are right if you worry about physical violence. But, even then you just need to find the proper way to do this. What you really need to do is first get real and honest with yourself. Look at what you wrote below.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes I believe that my husband hadn't a clue.I am always cheery and upbeat and hide my sorrow well.
We lost our only son at age 18 from a car accident and I learned then, to hide my grief!

If I had told my dear husband and my daughters about the affair, I would have divorced my husband and married the OM. (Because I would have already hurt them and revealed my feelings!)

HE always wanted me for KEEPS but I told him I would never leave my husband or family so now he has found someone that he can marry and live happily ever after with. (That is good.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He won’t! Because you have not shut the door, just as you rob your H, you will rob your OM’s W. Unless, he doesn’t love you anymore, then what you have done is really foolish.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It gives me a way out of the affair, the problem is our daily conversations were a HUGE HABIT and took up a lot of space of time in my daily routine and also in my mind.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say your H doesn’t know. You say it hasn’t robbed your marriage. Then you make a statement such as above. Your affair took up a lot of your time in your daily routine and your mind. You robbed your H, your family for this man. It is time you get really honest with yourself about the cost of this affair. It has cost you time, it has cost your H your respect for him, it is caused you to put your H in the role of a dog, some animal that you feed, pet, and enjoy, but never share your heart and soul with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HE will not tell her about us. He will protect my reputation, I haven't the slightest doubt in my mind about that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he doesn’t tell it won’t be to protect your reputation. It will be for his own purposes. By the way, do you live close enough together so that you and OM and his new GF will cross paths?? How do you expect to deal with that?

Sarie, I have written a lot of words in the hopes that I can show you the value of honesty: first with yourself, and then with your H. Please think about this. Once you are out of withdrawal, you will need help with many things, please do come here. People will do their best to help, as we are doing now.

God Bless You and Your Family,

JL

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Sarie

They are right, your A isn't over its just on hold. Hopefully with NC and time you will see this. I to am a BS, and I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know it was an A. I trusted my W blindly. And, I will tell you I found out. I disovered it. If my W would have told me it still would have hurt, but not as much and finding out after it had gone on.

Sally and Sarie

I will tell you this, I do believe you think of your OM as friends. Sorry a real friend doesn't sleep with another mans W or H. He or she tries to help, but doesn't touch. They have never been true friends. Both of you are still in the fog.

What would either of you do if you found out that your H was having an A? Or suspected it?

God Bless

Yes our paths have crossed twice as we live in a small town.

I met HER at the Viet Nam War memorial where I was a volunteer and again at the nursing home.

My OM's mom is 93 and actually I visited her today at the nursing home...My OM and his lady are in Florida seeing Her mom and I was to see if HIS mother needed anything and to give her a friendly visit.

You see, we are family friends from way back.
My old dad and his old dad farmed together.
This new lady just thinks I am a friend, knows I helped the OM when he was very sick and dying but she also is in the dark about the secret affair we had and I think it best she never knows about me and her man.

Well, it is time for my husband to get home from work so no more puter for awhile.

I am hearing all of you, however I refuse to tell my husband about the affair. There has just GOT to be another way.
Ann Landers always said carry the burden of your affair yourself, don't lay it on him and cause him more grief, he doesn't deserve it!
Love, Sarie

Sarie,

Ann Landers was not much on making her marriage work either. So I would not get too involved with HER advice on this topic. Nor did she ever study or function as a professional in the field marriage counseling. The founder of this site did, and I would like to suggest that you read some of his articles and yes books.

So, you are not going to tell your H? So what is your plan? Are you going to remove OM from your life? Or are you going to continue to look in on his mother and get caught up and get your fix of OM? How are you going to protect your H from you and OM coming back together?

More importantly how are you going to rebuild your marriage? What is your plan for deepening your love for your H and allowing him into your heart? How are you going to rebuild the intimacy that you know was missing from your marriage for the last decade with your H?

Sarie, it is all well and good to say you are going to continue to deceive your H, but how are you going to raise the level of your marriage? You see the problem is that you went through MLC very likely when OM entered your life,and clearly you felt your marriage was missing something. Whatever was missing is still missing and probably even more since most of what you have done has been a lie.

So where does it end Sarie? That is what I want to know? Where do you make up to your H for what you stole from him? Where do you develop the marriage that you want and clearly need? Your H could help, but he doesn't know there is a problem.

You are still in withdrawal, but as you come out of it in 6 months or so, your life will have a huge hole in it. This hole should be filled by your H, but he won't be able to do it, he doesn't know it is there. So how will you be happy?

YOu might respond after what I did I don't deserve to be happy. You are wrong you do, but just as importantly your H deserves to be in a marriage that his W happy about.

You don't see it now, but the only way out of this mess without doing further damage and developing the marriage you want is via honesty. The hiding of the lies will and has shut you down. How do we know? You have no remorse whatsoever. YOu cannot empathize with your H. You cannot see why he might need to know what has happened. You can only see it from your perspective and it is skewed to simply protect you. Your whole 10 years has been about protecting you and what you want.

So I am very interested in hearing your plan. It is clear if you can do it, then you have found the "easy way" to recover a marriage without pain or effort. I am anxious to hear about this pain free, effortless, successful method of recovering a marriage from an affair.

I don't know where you live, but in the places on this planet I have lived and I have lived longer than you or your H, the "easy way" just never seems to work. So the "there has GOT to be an easy way" statement is likely to be met with failure.

I hope you do come here and discuss your plans.

God Bless,

JL

I have to say that JL has nailed it again. His comments on treating the H like a pet dog really hit home with me. As I think of my WW and how she treats me, it is as JL described. Except for making love, I could be a pet dog. Whatever part of her heart and soul she shares, she shares with the OM not with me. This is not acceptable.

Thanks JL for making this clear to me. I am posting this message so others will see that at least one betrayed husband agrees with JL's thinking.

And now, I am just plain angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Angry mostly at myself for letting this situation continue and letting her think it was OK. Who has the community 2x4? I want to whack myself with it!

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Madam Sarie ( is that respectable ???? for your reputation !!)

Dont listen to anyone here. Particularly JL and Coffe man, they have been spoon feeding you about saving and building marriages. They think they are wiser and act as if they are in house counsellors. But they dont know you.

They dont know how much you love your H. They dont know that out of purest love on earth you just have not put a double barrel gun on his temple and did not shoot him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> These poor souls will never know. You go and make love with OM an long for him. Why dont you hire a maid for your pet dog H?. He will atleast know that in future that the food served does not contain any poison.

I have seen a lot of great FWWs who struggle ,fight,cry,miserable and feel the pain just for one thing.
Its their honour. To live a life of purest love and no lies and full of commitment. I do have great respect for people like bunches sorry,LIT, cerri,C_A, H4F, HP and a lotsa other people. They are people who made a mistake and wants their honour back. The honour of being the wife of the BS whom they harmed to repair the damage.You dont seem like one.

Please dont say ILY to your H anymore. Dont say you are his buddy. That word means a lot. You are not even worth to that word written on a paper.

The best thing for your H is to DV you and have his life back on his hand and not your lovely OM. Just take the chain out of H.

Reputation and self esteem are things we grow within which spills out , so others see and acknowledge. You are a scum. If i hospitalized, i wont be treated by you, i ll die instead.
(
To other MBers, i have flamed , because i am angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . , sorry for that. )

Madam just put this one thought in mind. " The bridges of madison country " dont happen. It is a world of "unfaithfuls". If i am your H, i wud do that. Have you ever gave a bit of thinking about your Hs feelings???? . What has he done in his life to get this?. how did you had that obligatory sex with him ? without any guilt?.
How do you see him in his eyes on evey anniversary? . how do you act in every marriage you attend?.

I thought the OMs are really very low lifes. But you are lower than them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .