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In the previous message posted by Sally about e-mail from other man, Too MUCH Coffee man, wrote a nice message. That was sweet of him to say that we are all welcome here. He was very understanding and kind person.
I am not exactly the OW because my friend that became my lover was a divorced man living alone.
Through hours of phone conversations, I filled his life with joy and I LOVED being needed & loved by him...He has now found someone to marry and I miss him terribly, more than words can say.
I have been married to a good man, a good provider, an honest man for 35 years.
The thing is, any of us that were unfaithful to our mates, didn't do it to HURT them.
WE WERE DRIVEN! Believe it or not but it is very very true!
It is like each of our own circumstances were unique to us, and the friendship that developed with another (the OM or OW) grew into a love for that person...I am sure most are kind and decent individuals that do not find joy in hurting anyone.
Some people can stop and stay just friends, some are so obsessed all they can think of is kissing and being held in that person's arms.
I have been reading Dr. Haley's articles and he even recommends letting the spouse continue seeing the other person (lover) for 6 months after the affair is known, if they can't get over the addiction to the lover.
That seems like unreal advice. God, how could the spouse handle such a thing?
The 'knowing' the mate is cheating? It is different if it is a secret and they DON'T KNOW but to know their mate is with another, HARD!
Sincerely, Sarie
P.S. Sally, I hope you get a reply, it is almost like you may need to e-mail him again and request ONE LAST REPLY, so you can get the closure you need to go on with your life without him a part of it.
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Sarie, with all due respect, I think you have been watching too many soap operas and chick movies. You know the affair is wrong or you would tell your victim [your husband] the truth. If you truly believed all these silly unrealistic rationalizations of your affair, then you wouldn't hesitate to tell him. But you know deep down they are silly and wouldn't pass the laugh test. Affairs aren't unique at all; nor are they pretty. You know they are sleazy, dirty, deceitful situations that destroy lives and families. You know. Your denial of the sleazy reality of your situation is almost breathtaking. You have pretty much destroyed your marriage with your affair and are only compounding the cruelty by lying to your H. You sure aren't doing him any favors. He is likely only staying in the marriage because you are lying to him about who you really are. But you will never know if he would choose the REAL YOU until you tell him who you are and what you are. You have to hide that, though. I don't blame you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thing is, any of us that were unfaithful to our mates, didn't do it to HURT them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you did it selfishly knowing that it would deeply hurt your spouse and your family. It is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. The pain is often worse than losing a child. That is what you have done to this man [ie: "pet"] you claim to love.
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Sarie thank you for those kind words to yours truly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I know what you mean about Dr Harley's advice seeming to be other worldly. I had that same reaction when I first found out about Marriage Builders over two years ago. But as I continued to read and study his articles and books I found out that the man is a genius when it comes to what is needed from both spouses to save their marriage.
I highly recommend that you purchase and read Dr Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'.
I hope that you take the time to seriously reflect on what we told you in our previous posts. They are meant in the spirit of good will.
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sarie:
I have been married to a good man, a good provider, an honest man for 35 years.
And you stabbed him in the back.
The thing is, any of us that were unfaithful to our mates, didn't do it to HURT them.
WE WERE DRIVEN! Believe it or not but it is very very true!
It is like each of our own circumstances were unique to us, and the friendship that developed with another (the OM or OW) grew into a love for that person...I am sure most are kind and decent individuals that do not find joy in hurting anyone.
Some people can stop and stay just friends, some are so obsessed all they can think of is kissing and being held in that person's arms.
You are describing yourself as someone with virtually no self control. A person who makes her decisions without regard to any appreciable degree of morals or values.
Why should anyone trust you with their friendship if you can discuss stabbing your beloved husband in the back without blinking an eye?
You are capable of such cruelty and callous disregard for the welfare of someone you "love" .... and you feel no guilt or responsibility... and you still maintain your ability to look into your husband's face and lie to him for the rest of his years ....why would anyone ever consider you trustworthy?
Perhaps you only lie to people you "love"?
You could not be my friend. I could not have such a cold calculated cheat as a trusted friend. If you do this to your husband, you are capable of lying to anyone about anything.
"Kind and decent individual" .... only if you consider chronic trechery decent.
Try again.
What is the best quality about yourself? Kind and decent just do not fit with the facts.
Pep
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YOUR WORDS:
"You could not be my friend. I could not have such a cold calculated cheat as a trusted friend. If you do this to your husband, you are capable of lying to anyone about anything"
To me, the way you write, you are the cold uncaring person, I would NOT want a person like for my mate or friend either!
I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR HUSBAND to be married to such an unforgiving judgemental person!
(Cat fight, sorry!)
I am probably more honest than you in every area of my life EXCEPT this big one, being unfaithful to my husband...
Probably most people that have a love affair do keep it secret!
Sincerely, Sarie
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Sarie
As hurtful as the posts from Melodylane and Pepperband MAY feel to you, they are from two WOMEN who truly care for you and your loved ones. You may disagree with their message but they want to to help you wake you up. Isn't that what true friendship is all about?
I have two beautiful daughters from my first marriage and I would never want them to go through what I and their mother have gone through.
God bless you and yours.
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Originally posted by Sarie: I am probably more honest than you in every area of my life EXCEPT this big one, being unfaithful to my husband... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Why not be honest in "the big one" instead of the hundred of "little ones" .... ?
Friendship requires trust, would you agree?
PepPS ... I don't do cat fights. This is a discussion of principles and values as far as I am concerned. <small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie: [QB] To me, the way you write, you are the cold uncaring person, I would NOT want a person like for my mate or friend either!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie, but you would rather have a person like you for a mate? Pepper is not the person who commits adultery, lies and betrays her H - you are. Those are the acts of a truly uncaring and cold person. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am probably more honest than you in every area of my life EXCEPT this big one, being unfaithful to my husband... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Except, except, except, except.... Yours is not the behavior of an honest person. Honesty is a principle that a truly honest person practices in all aspects of their lives. Not just when it is easy or convenient.
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]Originally posted by Sarie:
To me, the way you write, you are the cold uncaring person, I would NOT want a person like for my mate or friend either!
I would never stab you in the back.
I would never lie to you.
I would never cheat on you.
I would never plan trechery against your best interests.
I would never break your heart.
What are YOUR guiding values and principles by which you lead your life. The principles you actually USE .... not give message board lip service to?
Pep
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Besides that, Pepper is more helpful to more people (ex-OPs and WSs alike, without discrimination) here than almost anyone.
She's right--think about the BIG area of dishonesty.
BTW, as an ex-OW, I can say that my intentions were not to hurt anyone, either--but I have to own the fact that my thoughtlessness and selfish actions did just that. Absence of care and striving to do right often has the same effect as out-and-out malice, so in this case it doesn't do any good to say "I didn't mean to".
No matter what, you have to own it, if anything is ever going to get better. Say it was wrong and admit you did it, and you will be better off.
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Say what you want but I am NOT a cold uncaring person, I am a kind and nice person that fell for another man!
The last 3 that posted have written 3400, 5200 and 2800 messages.
You must live on the Internet!
I can't help but wonder if you became close friends with a member of the opposite sex and you became 'smitten' and fell in love with him/her just how well you would be able to not get involved?
Stronger people than I have had affairs including ministers & Sunday School teachers!
NEVER SAY NEVER because the first 25 years of my marriage I would have said I would NEVER be unfaithful to my husband.
Sincerely, Sarie
Now I am going to go crawl in bed with him instead of being downstairs on the Internet.
Good night new friends and I do appreciate the things you say, even if they are upsetting to me or I do not agree with them, I am sure you are giving some good advice.
I have much to think about.
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Originally posted by Sarie:
I am a kind and nice person that fell for another man!
But little sister, are you an honest and trustworthy person?
The last 3 that posted have written 3400, 5200 and 2800 messages.
You must live on the Internet!
Not exactly.
I can't help but wonder if you became close friends with a member of the opposite sex and you became 'smitten' and fell in love with him/her just how well you would be able to not get involved?
I live my life based on hard-fought-for principles and values. I would employ those personal tools to keep myself safe from commiting this most unkind act against my husband. I would not betray my self-respect .... I would not become a liar to my own face. I was not born with my principles, I had to earn them. We all must.
And, it's your turn now.
What can you do to become trustworthy?
Stronger people than I have had affairs including ministers & Sunday School teachers!
That's correct. Some of my most beloved friends have fallen into this same destructive path.
I love the struggle of someone becoming a better human being.
You are chosing to ignore your moral responsibility, and I love you too much as a sister to allow you to lie to yourself and not get an arguement from me!!!!
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I have been mulling this thing over for awhile, I am not sure, but I have a fair amount of doubt that sarie is real, or her story real...it feels more like a taunt...and is logically inconsistent. However, if she is real, hopefully she will see the light.
<small>[ November 25, 2003, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> Say what you want but I am NOT a cold uncaring person, I am a kind and nice person that fell for another man!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a "nice" person who commits the greatest betrayal possible against her spouse.
You are an "honest" person who lies.
You are a "kind" person who destroys others and justifies it because it makes her "happy."
You are a "nice person" who manipulates her husband into staying with her by deceiving him.
Are you aware that your self descriptions don't match your actual behavior? Why do you think that is?
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Originally posted by Sarie:
.
I have much to think about.
Make this one of your thinking goals....
What are YOUR guiding moral principles?
examples:
honesty
courage
faithfulness
duty
dependability
and so on.....
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sufdb:
<strong> I have been mulling this thing over for awhile, I am not sure, but I have a fair amount of doubt that sarie is real, or her story real...it feels more like a taunt...and is logically inconsistent. However, if she is real, hopefully she will see the light. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This crossed my mind as well.
But, she is very consistant with some of the people described in Scott Peck's "People Of The Lie"...
Have you read it?
How are YOU doing, by the way?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The last 3 that posted have written 3400, 5200 and 2800 messages.
You must live on the Internet!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh appearances can be so deceiving. Would it surprise you to know that my W is right beside me on 98% of my posts?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The last 3 that posted have written 3400, 5200 and 2800 messages. You must live on the Internet!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh appearances can be so deceiving. Would it surprise you to know that my W is right beside me on 98% of my posts? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Right now my H and our 14 year old are reading on the bed next to me. Our 3 cats are in here too.... Pep
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Sarie,
I am sure you ARE a nice person. You and OM would never have gotten together if you were a total troll...
Honesty seems to be a big issue here. You are not taking the honesty of the members of this board well at all, nor do you seem to rate honesty with your spouse as highly as you rate looking after your own self-interest.
Ask yourself why you are here and what you want from MBers.
<small>[ November 25, 2003, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>
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Sarie it doesn't take much to have that amount of posts that all of us three have (count your own to see what I mean). Sometimes even my W and I are astonished to realized that we have 5200 posts accumulated already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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