Thanks Beal and also Stung by a Bee and several others for your messages that show you have an understanding that I am NOT a bad person, I am a lady that had an affair, that is married to a good man.

(Read in the topic below "what led up to my affair" for my 'story'.) Everyone had a REASON of their own and to you that are married to someone that was unfaithful to you, it really isn't because they don't love you, this OBSESSION to be or talk with this person is just SO GREAT!

(It really is seperate from the marriage, we become selfish and singular in our thoughts.)
(I am trying to get out of that big FOG!)

Someone recommended I read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring...I can't buy it and have it around the house! And my library doesn't have it.

I read on Amazon that in the epiloge it gives the pros and cons of revealing a 'secret affair'.
Could anyone that has the book, tell me the cons of telling? Why NOT to tell... (I know the pros already from reading this site.)
Thanks so much
Sarah

Sarie,

the con is if telling a spouse would put you in physical danger..
then you should not tell..
but you can not have it both ways either..

if you have a spouse that puts you in physical then you should leave...
period...

no one would advocate telling if there is the history and possibility of violence..

ark

Would that be the ONLY reason for not telling.

My husband would love me unconditionally, I just do not want to tell him and break his heart!
Love, Sarah

unconditonal love is God's love...

uconditional love in a marriage serves no real purpose...and is unrealistic...

i can unconditionally love my husband as a person..but that does not translate into not having concrete boundaries and expectations or even ensure a "good" marriage...

People should not seek nor expect unconditional love from their spouses..

any other reason for not telling speaks only as not valueing them a an individual with the right to make their own decisions and choices...with the correct information to make them with

ark

Hi Ark.
That was why I wanted to know what some of the other reasons listed in the book were; for not telling once the affair is over...It truly was a SECRET affair where others didn't know and there would be no chance of it getting back to my husband.

I know it sometimes helps the cheating spouse to dedicate her life (me) to being a wonderful wife, even though I am conceiling my unfaithfulness. I see no reason to tell him now that the affair is over.

I do not want him to look at me through different eyes, what a huge hurt that would be for both of us; the same heartache & struggle that I have been reading here, that many of you are suffering.
Plus I am still grieving over losing the daily communication and friendship with my OM.
(I was the one he shared his joy with over finding this new lady to spend the rest of his life with; that is how great of friends we were.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am sure I am not the first person to live her life with this big secret. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Sincerely, Sarah

Sarie,
I know you feel like you are ready to rededicate yourself to you M, and that's great. I hope you follow through. The problem is, over time, the same problems in your M that led you to be vulnerable to an A will creep up again. You will be very vulnerable to another A. You got away with it once, whether or not it is a conscious thought, in your mind you will feel like you can get away with it again.

I'll tell you one other thing, then I will let it go since it seems like your mind is made up. You don't respect your H. If you did you would tell him. If you tell your H what happened, he may well leave you. The thing is that decision should be his, and his alone. You are denying him the right to choose. Would you decide for him what job to have, or where to live? No, you wouldn't. And those decisions are petty compared to deciding to stay with you or not.

If you truly love and respect your H, you will tell him. I know you feel like you are trying to protect him by not telling, but in the end you are still thinking only of yourself, not him.
Michael

<small>[ November 29, 2003, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Dear Michael.
I have no doubt that he would stay.

It is just that for the rest of our years together, there would be this big ole dark cloud over us.

By my not telling, the dark cloud is only inside of me, not him.
I realize it is living a lie but now he whistles and we laugh at TV comedies and I just do not want the conversations about the OM in our home, don't want to see the sadness in his eyes, don't want him thinking when I am quiet that I am thinking of the OM. (Which I might be.)

I feel quite LUCKY that it has remained a secret and thus no one was publicly hurt by my love affair with this other dear man.
(Both my husband and this man are GOOD men.)

I only blame myself for my unfaithfulness, no one else, not even the OM as it was my choice, I was the married one in this situation.
I realize I am not being fair with my husband, but you know something, I am not even sure that I would want to know if my husband had an EA or even a PA that was OVER...Maybe I would rather live with my head in the sand!
Love, Sarah

I saw the book at the local Books-A-Million, but did not read it.

I will say I only know one kind woman that has keep this secret for years, W sister. It eventually ruined her marriage. Her H is having an A and she "knows" but feels she can not ask because "she has her own secret".

Personally I do not believe God forgives this sin until you confess it to your spouse. This is a wrong against S. As long as you continue in the deception, and there will be deception in the future like when you H ask "What is wrong?" and you have been thinking of OM. You will answer nothing.

You are being convicted to tell, but seem to be trying to find an excuse not to. You know what is the right thing to do, but want to find a justification not to do it.

What makes you think OM will not tell his new woman. Who might she tell? Eventually your H will find out and the recovery will be harder the longer it takes. IMHO

Hi Sarie,

Here's a pro for telling. Not only is it a big dark cloud in your relationship... it's, really, a lie that would haunt you. It's a secret.

Honesty and openness set you free to be the real person you really are... warts and all. It allows you to be loved and accepted for who you are... despite the fact that you have made mistakes (as we all have). Honesty and openness set you up to overcome your mistakes... in your relationship... and, most importantly, in your own personal relationship with yourself.

Telling him empowers you to face it yourself. Until you tell him, it's still a secret you are keeping... and a way for you to maintain the fog.

Truth sets free, they say.

And, by the way, if he tries to use guilt to manipulate you into feeling bad about it after the fact... giving him time to deal with the blow of it, of course... then he, too, needs to grow.

Your spouse does not have the right to hold this over your head in the future to try to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, telling him is a real step in becoming a responsible, accountable adult. How he responds, really, is his opportunity to behave as a responsible, accountable adult.

We tend to grow out of our selfishness when we open up to others, become responsible, and allow ourselves to be held accountable for how our behavior effects other people.

A con would be an unhealthy response on his part. That's a risk.

Best wishes and congratulations for being honest here. It's a start. I hope that people respond to your honesty in a mature, respectful manner that encourages you to be held accountable for your own personal growth and the health of your future in this relationship.

Laura

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>
(Both my husband and this man are GOOD men.)

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarah,
Sorry, but good men do not sleep with another man's wife.
Michael

Dear Michael.
Oh, but sometimes GOOD men do have affairs with married women.

It happens.

I am a GOOD woman and I had an affair.

We all have two sides to ourselves.
The side that is pure and honest and the human side that has the ability to sin; even when we know it is wrong.

We will not be 'perfect' until we are in heaven.
It is our 'shortcomings' that make us NEED our Savior.

Now I am not saying a love affair is a shortcoming; it is a major sin.
Love, Sarah

I know I brought this to your attention before, but I beleive it went through one ear and out the other.

Why did you invest so much time with your OM? and Why are you missing him?. Because for the last ten years he fulfilled the EN of attention which your H was not doing (by your own admission). Your OM provided an emotional environment where you felt safe in expressing your deepests thoughts and feelings. Has your H done that throughout the marriage as well?

Right now you beleive that you can rebuild your marriage, but Sarie you are fooling yourself because marriage is the work of two people. Sure one spouse can definitely affect positive changes in the marriage but it will a one sided effort that eventually will wear out that spouse, and will leave his/her Taker strong and will drive that spouse to act in selfish and thoughtless ways.

In the case where a H or W who had a PA because his/her spouse's sex drive was extremely low, do you actually beleive that he or she will be able to rebuild his/her marriage if the truth is hidden from the BS? Of course not. They will be going back to a life of sexual celibacy pre-affair, and in time will again be open to having another PA. In the same manner, your hiding the truth from your H, will take you back to the emotional celibacy you lived prior to your affair. How long do you think you can last in an emotionally celibate marriage? How strong will you be in resisting the urge to restart your affair if your OM decides to contact you again?

You see unless your H knows that he has unwittingly contributed his part to the marital environment that contributed to your affair, he has NO chance of giving you some of the attention the OM gave you, and YOU will be the ultimate loser in your marriage.

Thanks for your reply MR. coffee man!
You always have some good points and I probably do let them go in one ear and out the other.

Because I am SO AGAINST confessing this affair to my husband.

The thing is everyone is different. My husband and the OM are different so what OM fulfilled for me, this being needed, the affection, etc. cannot be fulfilled in the same way as my husband.

If it were that easy, we would not have these heartaches; we would never stray!
To just be able to switch feelings for one person over to another. It isn't that simple.
I miss the OM because he was HIM, he was a unique man, just as my husband is unique.

Everyone in this world is different and brings their own personalities and caring ways.

And the lady that wrote before you, I forget her name, said I am searching for a justification NOT TO TELL, and I am sure that is true and I am.
Sincerely, Sarah

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The thing is everyone is different. My husband and the OM are different so what OM fulfilled for me, this being needed, the affection, etc. cannot be fulfilled in the same way as my husband.

If it were that easy, we would not have these heartaches; we would never stray!
To just be able to switch feelings for one person over to another. It isn't that simple.
I miss the OM because he was HIM, he was a unique man, just as my husband is unique. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie, until my husband had the affair and told me of it, I didn't know what emotional needs I WAS NOT fulfilling. I was doing a great job at many of his ENs, but others I was lacking in. NOW I have the opportunity to work on that part of our relationship.

If he hadn't had the affair, our marriage would have stayed the same. Maybe much like yours. Going about your everyday business, making small talk, raising kids, taking care of house, but not really connecting deeply. That is what he achieved with her because they were both vulnerable. That connection to each other is what my husband and I are striving for now.

But if he had not told me about the affair, we would have remained status quo.

Now, I have almost every book on affairs and relationships. So, I sauntered on over to my library this morning and pulled out "After the Affair." This is what it says:

Disadvantages of Telling
1. You believe the revelation will crush your partner's spirit irremediably.
2. You believe the revelation will create an obsessional focus on the affair and keep the two of you from examining the problems that caused it.
3. Your partner is physically disabled and unable to provide sexual companionship, and yo uchoose to stay together to provide medical and emotional support to someone you care about.
4. You believe your partner will physically harm you.

She then goes in to each one of these and expands upon them. If you want me to provide this information, just let me know which item # you need.

Again, Sarie, I thought that I would die when my husband told me. But it may be the best thing that happened in my life. I am absolutely positive that my relationship with my husband will be improved so much that it will be worth all the pain we have gone through.

Hi Stung.
That was a very thoughtful and worthwhile message.

Yes, that is about the way my husband and I are.
Going about our daily lives, small talk, caring for grandkids, watching TV, taking walks, etc.
We don't talk much 'in depth' conversations yet he is not one to like to get in deep discussions about anything; never has in our 35 years of marriage.

Like I said, eveyone is different with different personalities.

It sounds like you and your husband are going to make it until you are old; spend the rest of your lives together.
I think my hubby and I will also.

Lovingly, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just an aside that I find interesting--the refrain, "I am a good person" came up on this thread.

Did anyone else read about the mass murderer who defined himself as a "good person"? When asked why, he said because he killed his victims quickly without torturing them.

Someone did a poll among prisoners convicted of violent crimes and without exception they definded themselves as "good people" too. Apparently, there is a sliding scale for "good people".

Not meant as condemnation of anyone, because without Christ we are all capable of lots and lots of sin. But I feel that we too often excuse our poor behavior.

If not a mass murderer or adulterer, who is the "bad person"? If we are actively engaging in sin or are unrepentant of sin, are we not being "bad"? Just musing...

Hi all.
after we are saved, been born again, we sin DAILY whether it is by sin of omission (kind deeds we should do that we don't do) or sins of comission (gossiping, being grouchy etc.)

Jesus teaches if we even have 'thoughts' of adultery that we are sinning.

So you are right in that none of us our 'good' people, the only good and perfect person, was our Lord God, Jesus.

I have asked HIM to forgive me of my unfaithfulness to my husband and I know I have been forgiven.

When HE forgives, he blots these sins out as if they never happened.
Now it is up to me to live a pure life and I surely do intend to.

Thanks everyone.
Sarah

the truth is that not telling is just a continuation of the actions of the affair..

affairs are not just physical acts and contact...they are acts of deceptions and betrayal...
even when the contact is not being acted on
the actions still are...
actions that hurt and are unfair and even cruel...

you can't get around it...
no matter how one tries...

the only thing you are doing is attempting to avoid the consequances of your actions and in doing that you are choosing to deceive the one you claim to love and vowed to cherish...

you can not even begin to build your marriage back sarie when it is a foundation of lies...

there is no building blocks to begin with...

there is indecency and disrepect in the act of withholding information that he deserves to make informed decisions about his life...


ark

Sarie/Sarah,
I haven't raised a 2x4 in awhile but here goes....You are one of the most self indulgent, selfish posters currently on the MB site. You have gotten some great advice from TMCM and others but you chooose to ignore it. Hate to say it but you are still involved in an A, an unrequited EA.

The truth of the matter is that until you tell your H there will be no true intimacy in your M. There will be no honesty in your M and there will be no real love in your M. Your H deserves much better than this and you know it. You're just afraid to tell him because deep down in side your afraid of abandonment. The reality is that the sooner you tell him the less likely that abandonment will occurr. If he finds out sometime in the future, he'll know that for the past several years everything in the M has been a lie.

I hope you reconsider but based upon all of your other posts you appear to be the type of person who is hopelessly selfish but then rationalizes that you are acting in this way to "protect" the feelings of your S.

cwmac

Sarie,

This is a hard post for me, because I am now opening up my past to those on this site. I've always shown my good side here, but here's my bad side....

17 years ago, right after my wife and I got married, I had a very short emotional affair that led to a one night stand. My wife and I were separated for about 6 months because of our jobs when all this happened. I was very young and I was working out a lot and was in very good physical shape. This other person made me feel good about myself and I strayed. I broke the very vows I said I'd never do...

Anyway, the guilt was unbearable. Somehow I put it away and tried to live my life. I prayed and asked for forgiveness and felt some relief, but the nagging in my brain kept eating me away. I always felt the 'secret' would some day come out. This has plagued me for 17 years. Just recently I told my wife about this. I thought she needed and deserved to know if we were ever to work on our marriage. The weight of this secret has finally been taken off my shoulders. I thought I could forget about it but it never went away until I confessed to her. Now it is up to her to forgive me. I have done my part and will do everything to make it up to her if she will give me the chance, but it is out in the open and I feel I can finally put that portion of my life to rest...

It is up to you to do what you do. Just know that your secret will haunt you like it did me. I was lucky that it was me that told her of this instead of her finding out on her own. I know the feeling that my spouse would never forgive me or will we be able to work through this. But, it was not up to me to decide this, it is up to her...