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Joined: Jul 2003
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JL,

I did read your post and I did ask W to forgive me for not listening and turning things around. I am trying to be upbeat and happy around her but that is a very hard task. I have been doing things for her and I think it makes her mad, which I think is good. I have been making her lunch and cleaning the snow off the car. Been leaving her little notes. Making coffee for her and trying to plan A as best I can. Like I said, I think it pisses her off and she may think that I am only doing this as a temporary thing to make her stay. You are right. If she does decide to leave again, I will show her that I care and be a better person. I think you are right on with that one. I know it'll be hard, but I want her to know that I care and she has a secure place to come if she wants to come back. She told me before she went to work that when she was living in a trailer with the OM, it felt like home. She said it wasn't much, but she felt good about being there. I said, this is your home and it can feel the same way. I then told her I loved her and she left for work...

I know I can survive without her. She said I could take all I've learned and find someone else to share that with. I said, yes I could do that but it wouldn't be the same. I said I could be happy without her but I could be so much more happy with her. I said we have so much history and a family together. I know I can be happy. I have been happy at times while she has been gone. Some days I think I am happier than I've ever been. I feel like I can make it on my own and my kids are more dependant on me and they have shown more affection and care for me since W left the last time. Financially, I'm not doing so great and the holidays have put even more debt into my already over taxed budget. I know that if I divorce, she will have to pay child support, because I will take custody of the kids. I know I will fight her on this issue. She can leave and do what she wants, but she will never take my kids from me. And they don't want to leave anyway... So, no my life isn't bad. I knew when she came back it'd be rough and she'd go through withdrawals and I knew there was the possibility of her going back. I just had high hopes and I still do... Thanks for posting....

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LWH,

Ah a little conflict. Good! When she comes home tonight ask her if you doing things for her makes her mad? The reason I say this is that you don't want to make a disrespectful judgement, DJ. You see you may be assuming that may not be correct. It may not make her mad so much as make her feel guilty, and her guilt is showing as anger. If it makes her feel guilty, tell her why you are doing it. You want to make her happy, NOT guilty. You do want to change things around this home and yes you are doing to make her feel more comfortable. It helps you and it helps her.

Ask her for her ideas of alternatives, if what you are doing is making her feel really bad (POJA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).
You don't have to tell her what you are doing, but learn to talk, negotiate, see her side, validate her side, and take her side and see if something you both can live can be made of it. However, NO "yes But's". Agree, and then suggest, then listen, and suggest again.

LWH, given what you just posted you should be smiling (or at least as much as anyone in your situation) you cannot lose. So talk with her, ask her about OM, talk about him with her. But, do it as if you were her friend not her lover ( you want to be her friend first).

I am sure after so little time home she is really feeling the withdrawal, and the presence of the three people she has hurt. She probably feels and the kids are just waiting for her to screw up again. Be open, and be generous with your love, your honesty, and your care for her.

Admit freely that you are changing because you don't want to lose her. Admit freely that you have sought help, and are learning how to be a better H. Admit freely that you want her to stay. It will take some of the air out of her sails. She is looking for something to fight you on, something that MIGHT justify her leaving. She is hoping you will make the decision for her with your anger or LB's.

She in short is looking for the easy way. But, we know the easy way is often the hardest way, so make her do the work, but simply being there and being an open and graceful man. This doesn't mean you cannot set boundaries, but do so without LB's.

LWH, you have an addict on your hands, and it will take a level or relentless calm, focus on the prize, and huge amounts for forgiveness to get her through withdrawal. I would say RELENTLESS best describes in my mind what will be required.

Tough task, and it may not even work, BUT you will be the better man for it. Don't fight her, just show relentless patience, and love where you can. She will wear out punching that pillow, she is looking for a hard target to hit right now.

Hang in there LWH, this close combat stuff is tough. But I think you can win this war, if you are willing to lose a battle or two.

God Bless,

JL

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I think I may be losing this battle. Its one I can't even fight. She packed all her stuff today. I asked if she was going to leave or was she just straightening up. She said she doesn't know. She says one minute she is about ready to go out the door and the next she says she can't do this to the kids again. She said she needs to be put in a mental ward. This rollercoaster is making me dizzy. I started getting worried then I told myself, I'll be ok, I've gone through this before and I am ready, or as ready as I can be. I know I can live without her and be happy, but I still get queezy from the thought of her leaving...

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....and she's gone....

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Hi lwh,

I'm sorry your WW is off again.Can you find the strength now to maybe get into that Plan B? For your own wellbeing? If there was ever a good time for it,it is now because she has left and now you have to deal with the fallout again.It may help you to get stronger if you distance yourself like I mentioned before.Take a break?

Sorry you have to go through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

o

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LWH,

Octobergirl, gave you good advice. Just step back and move on with your life. I am sure your D's are hurt by this change.

You did say one thing very correctly, you lost the "battle" you have NOT lost the war. She will get there and NOT see things as she did. She will NOT see her D's, she will NOT see you, OM will turn out to be a poor substitute, but SHE needs to realize this.

So do as Octobergirl mentioned, step back. Take your D's out to dinner or lunch tomorrow and start a new year as a FAMILY. You and your D's are the family.

I would also like to suggest that you resist the urge to get mad, even, or quit. I know I would have a very hard time NOT doing one of the above, but I KNOW that if you stay on an even keel, you will start to feel better, and you will gradually come to the correct conclusions. What are the "correct conclusions"? I don't know, but you will know when the time is right to act on them. Until then realize this is HER loss, not yours.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I would NOT be surprised if she does come back, it may be days, weeks, or even a month or two, but I have a feeling this IS NOT over yet.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

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