H is at show. He just called. A local radio station is going to do a remote from club. He wants me to turn radio and tape remote. When getting off phone, I said I love you and he just said bye. I called him back and said I love you and he said I love you too. Good for him-if he wants this dang tape made tonight. LOL! I probably p*ssed him off, but I seem to do that even without trying. He's worrying himself to death because I'm home alone. "What's up? What have you been doing?" "You sound funny." Those were some of his comments. He's driving me crazy with who were you talking to, what are you doing, what took you so long to get home? (I work in a metro city and we live in country-he can't fathom a three car pileup holding up traffic for almost an hour.) He also only goes to work at night or in the afternoon, not during rush hour traffic. I know he's doing it because he's feeling guilty and is worried about what I may do, but it's still driving me up the wall. Kids are gone, H is gone, and I'm doing nothing tonight. Drinking a beer, on MB site, and listening to radio.

I'm very confused. Been sitting here thinking all night. If I didn't know that he was still in contact with OW, I would think our relationship is getting better with a few minor setbacks. I do know that he is calling her alot from his cell though. I feel like if I could just forget that he's talking to her, everything would work out. I don't understand why he acts like everything is getting better around here while still talking to her. I don't want this to be a repeat of before. (finding out he's telling her we're living together separately while I'm thinking things are getting better). I don't ask about her; I don't even bring her name up anymore at all. I feel like if I would give him his "space" like he asks (no snooping) I would never know anything was going on. What should I do?

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I should go away more often!!! LOL<P>You've gotten some of the best advice ever here, Honey. Since I'm still unpacking, I'll just list a few "think about" points (that everyone else already has, but hey...) <P>1. Plan A is about you. If you're confusing it by being a doormat, stop. Once you are making changes that YOU want to make for yourself, then you've got it. You can make these changes for yourself and still be nice to him. I always thought of it as working on ME while respecting and honoring my H, whether or not he deserved it at that point (he most certainly does now!).<P>2. His behavior is not about you. It's about things he's missing...some of which you may be able to provide, some you may not, it's ok. <P>3. Everyone's biggie...control. The first thing any of us say on this board is "How can I make him....understand, see, realize, etc..." You can't. You can't control what he says or does or who he sees. <P>4. Big HOWEVER, though. You CAN control youself. I don't care how much it hurts, how angry you are, how tired you are, you are in absolute and complete control of your behavior - not necessarily your emotions, but your behavior. And you are the only one who is. We've all been there, it's a learned skill and you seem to be learning it well.<P>6. Funny thing about controllling ourselves - it gives our WS something different to react to and lo and behold, THEIR behavior changes as well. They begin to panic. They test us. They're nicer to us, they're meaner to us..the whole kit and caboodle. This is a good thing - no matter which way it goes.<P>7. You must decide what you want, what you believe in and what kind of person you are going to be and not let ANYTHING he says or does affect you. He's not himself, he's a mess right now. Don't let someone who barely remembers how to put on his pants affect the way that YOU want your life to be right now. You can do it, I promise.<P>8. HE decides what is or is not a lovebuster. I don't care if you say it as sweet as pie, if the tears were because you were peeling onions, if it seems like an lb to him, it is. I know we're TAUGHT it's only if we're disrespectful, but not in this mess. If you'll search you'll find a post where Steve counselled someone and that was his statement "Your SPOUSE, not you, defines a lovebuster."<P>9. As a general rule, snooping is counter-productive. You need to know that your marriage is in trouble. You need to know that your spouse is/has had an affair. Other than that, for most of us, details will just drive you crazy and make it more difficult to do what you have to do. Many of us advise against it.<P>10. You CANNOT educate your spouse. You cannot make him understand, hint around, "sorta" let him know something, slip in a lesson. He's not listening, he can't hear you and it's most likely gonna drive him away or, at best, be an LB. SHOW him what it's supposed to be like. Don't tell him, show him. You can do it.<P>Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to become the person you want to be. This is real, life-time sustainable behavior. You can't fake it, the "tests" will show you up every time. It's got to come from inside you.<P>You're strong enough to do this. I can't say that enough. Even when we think we aren't, we are.<P>I'm back and checking each couple of days, if you need me. But, from what I see, you're in MORE than capable hands here.<P>Love,<P>Lori

Thanks Lori. I hope you enjoyed your trip. Like I've said before, the biggest problem I'm having right now is confusion. H acts like everything is getting better around here and never mentions the OW. I don't bring her up either. I know he is still in contact with her. I don't think he has seen her though. Unless, she's drove up here, he hasn't. I guess I just need to keep going and hope the affair ends. I know some people wait for a "natural death", but I feel like I need to know he won't go to someone else. I need to know he wanted it to be over and to be with me. Since neither one of us brings up our relationship-he's too busy and I don't bring it up because he says he's too busy right now and I'm adding to his stress, I'm not really sure where we are at this point. I'm still Plan A'ing my butt off; just trying to show him the changes I have made in myself and hoping he notices enough changes that he will want to stay.

Just checking in on you....<P>Hmmmmmm...need to know he "chose" you. I can understand that, I really can and we've all felt that way, but it's, well, sorta, ummmm, wrong. <P>He already chose you, and married you. What he's doing now, HE thinks is choosing, but it's not. He's self-medicating. He's not gone yet, 'cause he chose you...and still does to a certain extent. For whatever reasons, and I guarentee there are many and most have nothing to do with your colorful language, he let himself get tied up in something that filled some spaces in him that needed filling. They had needed filling for sooooo very long that he can't seem to get enough, even if he knows (somewhere in there) that it's not good for him. Actually it honestly FEELS like it is good for him much of the time!<P>I wish I knew how to put this better. Robert left to move in with PT. I thought he chose her, right? He stayed there for 7 months, her wee one called him daddy, they opened joint accounts at the bank, etc, planned a life. I was under the assumption when he came home that the affair had died a natural death. I mean, I KNEW things weren't great with them, I KNEW that he had been looking for a way out, I KNEW all sorts of things. So, I changed my thinking, he had "tried" her because he had fallen in love with her, but eventually "chose" me, right? Nope.<P>He was waking up. He heard a dumb song that made him think about the kind of man he was being. Now his friends and family had preached to him for MONTHS, but he couldn't hear them..once the time was right, he "heard" it in a song. That song was old (to this day I don't know the name, never asked, that deplorable lack of curiosity of mine) and he somehow heard it twice in one week on 2 different stations. So he decided he should come home...out of obligation. b/c if he didn't come home and try to fix things, he didn't think he was much of a man. Yes, he loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. Took him a while to even say "I love you". Yes, he still loved PT. And he adored the wee one. He never thought he'd be "in love" with me again and told her that he was not sleeping with me, just "trying" for six months and then would move out on his own, but not with a woman in the wings...(although she intended to stay ready in the wings and did!). <P>He didn't choose me...he chose his conscience. That's ok. He chooses me now. Every single day. We've had some rough spots since he first came home and there was more than one moment when one of the two of us thought we were done...and sorta wanted to be to tell you the truth!<P>But, not today. He chooses me and I choose him. We laugh and love and share and everything else like we never have in the past, even when we first "chose" each other.<P>I used to feel as you do...he had to choose our marriage and do everything I KNEW should be done to make it work, from no contact (didn't happen), to no contact letter (nope, he - and eventually me too - even helped her out from time to time), accountability (not on your life - "too controlling, I am NOT a child"), honesty (took a long time), heavens, I've forgotten it all. Oh, I've got everything I want now....and, in hindsight, everything I needed then, too, it just didn't feel like it.<P>The reasons he stays don't matter, they really don't, so don't let your ego get in the way (I can say that 'cause I've got one too, we all do). What matters is getting you both through this and building a life together that will make you both so very happy. And that's more than doable, no matter WHY he does what he does now. You know how. You're learning more every day. You can lead him, you can show him, without saying a word. <P>Hang in there, Sweetie. It gets easier. One day you'll wake up and understand that you're not Plan Aing to "get him back" and when he acts like he loves you one minute and hates you the next (we used to call it waffling and it should be expected in this mess for a long time), it won't really bother you. It won't make it any harder to be nice to him. You'll have that "aha" moment where you realize you're truly beginning to enjoy the person you're becoming and you really don't have to work at it much anymore. <P>You'll be just fine. Expect the unexpected, act - don't react, and, even though you can't control this mess, you can control yourself in the moment. And that's quite an accomplishment...<P>I'd say things are going fairly well there, considering....<P>Keep up the good work.<P>Love,<P>Lori

I just wanted to say that this post has really helped me. I have a better understanding of Plan A and it also helps knowing that others are going through and feeling the same things I am. Its great to get the encouragement that if you just hang in there that there is a chance. I also was feeling like I had to "fix" his ways or his thinking. Things seem a bit clearer now after reading all of these responses. Thanks!

Thanks Lori! I needed that wake-me-up. I do get stuck in that rut of doing this to "keep him", instead of doing this for me. I don't quite know if I could handle continued contact. Maybe if it was once in a while and all above board. That's a big maybe though. We had a good night tonight. All four of us packed up in the Jeep and went riding around. We actually went to put up flyers for a big show they have coming up, but at least we all went. Usually, he goes and the kids and I stay here. It was very nice. We even laughed at the kids arguing in the backseat. I enjoyed myself and by the way he was acting he enjoyed himself too. He's asleep right now. I sat on the couch and massaged his feet until after he went to sleep. I'm gonna have to get the little one to bed soon--he's (3) trying to help me type right now. It's taking a while because I have to keep backing up and retyping. We've all had a pretty good day. Kids didn't even argue nearly as much as normal. LOL!! Two boys one is nine and one is three. They are WAY too much alike. <P>Kid, I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Things aren't perfect around here, but it's getting better.<P>Thanks all,<BR>Anna

I'm going to need some encouragement today before I go home. If one child wasn't up last night, the other was. I don't feel like I've had two hours of sleep. I'm very tired and when I'm tired I'm irritable (bad, bad girl). I'm trying to stay in decent mood while at work, but I don't have to deal with people one-on-one here. My computer doesn't care what mood I'm in. I don't want to majorly LB when I get home though. These are my worst times. I need a nap. Maybe I can get a nap when I get home--LOL!! H got upset with me in the middle of the night because I snapped at one of the kids. I felt bad for doing it and apologized. I really don't even know what I said--I was half asleep. H didn't have a very good night either and I remember hearing him say something about nothing changing around here. He's starting what he calls "hell week" with his work today so I know he'll be testy all week. Would it be best just to stay out of his way until I get some rest or would that be ignoring him? I don't think my brain is working correctly. I just know I need to get in a better mood because he can tell my moods when I walk in the door.

Your H is doing what many of them do. They will pick up on 1 negative thing, depite the 100 positive things, and say that "things haven't changed". Don't let it bother you. Just keep doing the best you can.<P>As far as stayingout of his way... well, "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all". I think that should be part of Plan A. You are tired and irrritable, so just be careful around your H. You are not perfect, and you are allowed to be tired and irritable. but to avoid LB's, you might need to stay away or bite your tongue. Take care of yourself and your kids. If you don't have energy to meet his EN's, then you just can't. That's OK. But you can avoid LB's.<P>Does that help a little? I'm sorry you had a bad night. ((((dumplin)))). I hope you can get some rest.

Thanks Faith. I'm still awake so far. I'm not getting anything accomplished at work today. Sitting here reading posts in between working. Oh well! Reading posts are helping me to feel better and keeping me awake.<P>Anna

CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING THE BIGGEST SNOW JOB EVER???????????<P>ANNA

Anna.........<P>??????????<P>What did your last post mean? By your sweet WS? Of course you are. Expect it.<P>You're tired. Talk to us before you talk to him, ok?<P>Love,<P>Lori

Hey everyone! I put a monitoring program on my computer at home just this weekend. OW e-mailed H yesterday breaking up with him. He hasn't told me anything. Now, I'm living with a grizzly bear. HELP! H was in a terrible mood last night. He checked his voice mail on his cell phone three times last night in two hours. Evidently, she didn't call him and he just got worse and worse. Anyhow, what do I do now? He's grouchy and irritable. Snapping at the me and the kids and whenever I asked him if he was okay, he said he was just fine.<P>Anna

Just to clarify something-H was in chat rooms last night after I went to sleep. He must not be hurting too bad to jump off in those rooms and flirt with other women.<P>Anna

Lostva,<P>Just another update. I really need your help on this one. I don't think H was too bothered by the break-up since he was in Yahoo personals last night browsing and sending messages to women on there. I wonder if he cares about me or OW or only about himself. I know I'm talking out of my head. I did send him an e-mail though letting him know that I saw what he was doing and it hurt me. Was this wrong to do? I didn't rant and rave. I posted the actual e-mail under another post (the one about a wounded bear). H called a little while ago and acted as if everything was fine. No response on the e-mail at all. No mention of it or no reply messages. H did reply to a message about a guy that's supposed to shoot a video of his band for him. Should I just let it drop or persue it? I really need your advice and help on this. Did I make a mistake just by sending the e-mail at all?<P>Anna

H doesn't seem to be bothered that much by what she did. He was up last night browsing the "personal" pages on yahoo. I e-mailed him letting him know that I saw what he was doing and that it hurt me. I'm going to include part of what I wrote to get everyone's opinion on it. I'm starting to think he didn't really care for her and he doesn't care about me. He just cares about him and finding as many women as he can. I know that's rude and is probably not right, but it's how I feel. Okay here's the e-mail I sent him. It may have been too much for Plan A, but if I LB'ed it won't be the first time.<P>"H,<P>Before I begin, I know I cannot control what you do (you have to decide on what you do) only what I do. I hope you noticed the changes I have been making to better myself. I'm truly sorry for my part in messing up our relationship. I am working hard to better myself so I can be a better person and hopefully a better wife to you. One part of my changing is controlling my emotions and my reactions.<P>I saw part of what you were doing last night on the computer when I was sleeping on the couch. I honestly don't understand why you feel that you must browse the personal pages. It hurts me very badly. I know that you consider it all fun and games, but it truly hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like you are looking for someone else. Also, I did not get up and start screaming or pouting at you.<P>I hope you don't get upset by this e-mail. I just wanted to be honest with you and let you know how I feel. I'm not mad at you, just hurt. I truly hope we can work together some day soon to build our relationship back up to better than it was before even. I love you and I believe that we can both together build our relationship back up to a higher level. It will take time and work on both our ends and I realize that right now you don't know what you want. I hope you can see the changes I have made and those changes are permanent. I know you will have a hard time believing that right now, but I hope you give me the time to show you they are permanent. I realize I cannot make you do anything and not control what you do or what you say, but I hope you will decide to work things out with me.<P>I will let you go for now since I know you are very busy. Remember, I love you and I'm here for you.<P>Love always,<BR>W"<P>Well, that's the whole letter. I have gotten no response as of yet, but that's okay. What does everyone think? I seriously need help on this everybody.

I think your e-mail was just fine. <P>I will stand on my soapbox again though, and say, don't expect to hear anything. You might hear something, or might even see a change in him, but probably not. But your letter was fine. I think it was good.<P>ok? relax, sweetie. You did ok. Just hang in there. You're doing a fine Plan A. Just give it some time.

I know, I know-hang in there. My nails are starting to break from hanging. I feel like I have another child--just shaking my head and saying, "What am I going to do with him?" I haven't heard a word from him about the e-mail. Just a funny thought-I e-mailed him from home using my work e-mail addy. He woke up while I was writing the letter and asked me what I was doing. I looked at him as innocently as possible and said, "I'm e-mailing you a letter." That blew his mind!! :P I actually managed to keep a straight face. Don't know how I did it.

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